“You can’t let this prevent you from loving her,” Nate murmured, turning to eye me with that “look” he got when he wanted to have a serious discussion with me. “You know that, right?”
My chest tightened, squeezing in misery. “I can’t love her,” I whispered. “I can’t do it. I won’t. I just can’t.”
He turned away with a sigh, staring out his window into the darkness. “I think you already do.”
Instant denial sprang to my lips. But I never uttered it out loud.
I don’t love her. I don’t.
I can’t.
Never. Never. Never.
It’s not possible.
You already do. Admit it. She stole your heart.
“If she survives and you send her away,” Nate said quietly. “You could be passing up a chance at true happiness.” He turned to face me. “Everyone can see that Grace cares for you. She’s a good match for you.”
I snorted, lowering my gaze. “I’m not a good match for her.”
“You don’t know that,” he argued. “And besides, shouldn’t you let Grace choose whom she wants to be with?”
I stared down at my lap and my blood-soaked jeans. “I thought she was tough,” I whispered. “And she is, but this just proves she’s not invincible. I think, in my head, I was convinced she would never get hurt, never die, because she’s so brave and strong. I’d made her out to be some kind of superhero. But she’s not. She’s only human. She could die. So fucking easily.”
He sighed. “We’re all human. Even you, Mr. Nine Lives.”
My throat tightened. I sucked in a breath. “I can’t lose her, Nate. It would fucking gut me.”
“You don’t think I’m scared of something happening to Alissa? Losing her? Being vulnerable is a scary thing. But loving someone, and knowing they love you back, is more powerful, more amazing than all those other fears combined. If I lost Alissa tomorrow, it would fuck me up. But at least I would have these memories of being with her, loving her, before I lost her. And I wouldn’t trade my time with her for anything. Don’t waste time worrying or being afraid when that time could be spent being with her.”
A surge of emotion rose up my throat. He was right. If Grace survived, I would make every effort to spend more time just being with her, and less time being scared of my feelings for her.
Another several minutes of silence stretched between us.
Nate’s phone rang again. This time it was Alissa.
“Grace is in surgery now. I’ll let you know when she comes out.” There was a pause, then she asked, “How’s Tony doing?”
I let out a soft growl of irritation. “I’m fine,” I snapped.
She let out a loud sigh over the line. “It’s okay to not be fine, Tony. I’m not fine. I’m worried sick about her.”
I rubbed a hand over my face. So was I. But I wasn’t just worried sick. I was terrified. Scared fucking shitless that Grace would die. All because of me. If I’d just stayed the hell away from her in the first place, none of this would have happened.
“I know you blame yourself,” Alissa went on quietly. “But it’s not your fault, Tony. You know Grace is strong-willed. She only does what she wants to do. If she gives in to anything, it’s because she either wants to, or she has no other choice. Grace chose to be with you. No one forced her to. She cares about you. She wouldn’t have gotten close to you if she didn’t want to. You two have a special connection and you know it. I’ve seen it. Nate’s seen it. She’s going to need you when she wakes up. So please, be there for her.”
I drew in a ragged breath, slowly exhaled. I needed to be alone right now. I couldn’t deal with all this pressure. All this concern about my feelings.
I fumbled for my door handle, yanking on it, shoving the door open. I stumbled out into the dark night, slamming the door behind me. Drawing in deep lungfuls of air, I struggled to get myself under control.
Then I sank down onto the ground, sitting beneath the tree where Nate had parked, leaning back against the trunk.
Grace.
I put my face in my hands. I may have killed her. If she died, it was my fault. How could I ever live with that?
I don’t know how long I sat there in the dark beneath the tree, thinking of Grace, picturing her beautiful face in my mind. An hour? Two? Three?
Thankfully, Nate left me alone with my thoughts. He knew not to bother me right now. He knew I needed space to deal with this. To cope. To prepare myself for the worst.
My ass was growing numb from the hard ground. But still, I sat. I waited.
Too many thoughts swirled in my mind. Too many emotions raged inside me, fighting for release. I tamped them all back, keeping them inside.
Alissa would come out eventually and let us know what was going on. I wanted to be sitting when she did. Because no matter what she said, I knew I would collapse.
So I remained sitting.
And waited.
Dawn was just appearing over the horizon, the sky lighting into hues of grays and blues, when soft footfalls came from behind me.
Then Alissa lowered herself next to me on the ground. She reached over, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly in hers.
“Grace is out of surgery. They were able to remove all the bullet fragments. They think—hope—she’s going to recover and be just fine.”
A noise erupted from my throat. A sob?
And then Alissa was hugging me tightly, squeezing the breath from my lungs, and forcing all those pent-up emotions free. I clung to her, accepting her comfort, sharing in her relief.
Grace was going to be okay. She’d survived the surgery. She was going to live.
I knew what I had to do then.
When she left the hospital—if she truly recovered and went home—I would have to tell her everything about myself. I would have to open up to her. Let her inside. She had a right to know who I was. All of me. And if she still wanted to be with me afterwards…I would give her the choice of either staying with me. Or leaving.
And if she chose to stay…
I couldn’t even contemplate that right now. I was too overwhelmed with emotion as it was.
I swallowed hard, still clinging to Alissa. Clinging to hope.
One day at a time.
Grace is going to live. She’s going to be okay.
I latched onto that thought.
And never let it go.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Tony
Nate and I returned to the maze to find Luke in the middle of interrogating Darcy. Alissa had stayed at the hospital with Grace. She had informed us that the hospital staff knew Grace and had called in the police chief, and several of her fellow officers had shown up to stand guard outside of her room. Because Grace had three gunshot wounds, the hospital staff would have had to call in the authorities, anyway. The cops all banded together to protect one of their own, just like the dregs would have done. Alissa had told us that she’d told the police chief what had happened, that Darcy had shot Grace. She’d also told him that the dregs would drop Darcy off at the station once they finished interrogating her. She’d said the chief had raised a brow at that, but she’d promised him that Darcy wouldn’t be harmed. Knowing Grace would be safe with so many people looking out for her had made it easier for me to leave her there. Nate would go back and pick up Alissa later.
Handing Darcy over to the authorities would mean that she would have to stand trial for kidnapping and attempted murder. I had no doubt she would serve serious time for attempting to kill a cop. That crime went with a stiff penalty. She would likely get a life sentence behind bars.
This meant none of the dregs would have to kill her. We could just let the law deal with her.
After we finished interrogating her.
Darcy was tied to a chair, sitting in the center of the sparring ring. Luke, Ryan, Noah, and Logan were all gathered around her, Luke questioning her.
As The Enforcer, Luke had mind-controlling abilities. He was always able to deter
mine whether or not someone was telling the truth, and, if necessary, he could use the mind control to force people to admit the truth if he suspected they might be lying. Getting Darcy to admit the truth would probably require his mind-controlling abilities. What, if anything, had he learned from her so far?
When Nate and I had walked into the gym to see Darcy sitting there smirking, I barely resisted the urge to march up to her and kick the chair out from underneath her. She was the reason Grace was injured. She was the reason my chest had caved in, my heart had stopped, my lungs had seized. She was the reason I was in so much agony right now. She’d hurt Grace. She’d nearly killed Grace. Grace…the kindest, bravest, strongest, most beautiful woman in the world. Grace.
And now Darcy would pay for that.
Nate grabbed my arm, holding me back. “Let Luke deal with her. He can handle it.”
Darcy met my gaze and lifted her chin defiantly.
“What did she tell you?” Nate asked Luke.
“She says the Spartans sold the information that they stole from her back to The Company and that Aikens has it all now. He’s the one who posted the new bounty posters on us.”
That didn’t surprise me.
“What else?” I asked, my gaze never leaving Darcy.
“She says Aikens wants her to keep trying to isolate the specific gene from your DNA until she gets it right, but since you destroyed all the blood they harvested from you, they need you back so they can collect more.”
“Not gonna happen.” I walked up to the chair and paused before Darcy. Nate followed me, obviously fearing I would harm her.
“Did you know Grace is in the hospital, fighting for her life?” I growled out, spearing her with my gaze. “You shot her three times! And for what? After she helped you? After she gave you a place to stay while you healed? After she was kind to you? This is how you repay her?”
Darcy flinched, but she didn’t lower her gaze. “I didn’t have a choice in the matter. She was trying to get away. Ron only gave me forty-eight hours to find you and bring you back, or he would kill me. I didn’t want to shoot her. But what else was I supposed to do? Just let her go?”
“Yes!” I snarled, leaning down to shove my face into hers. “When someone as kind and giving as Grace helps you, you don’t turn around and try to kill her!”
She recoiled, the chair rocking from her abrupt movement.
“Easy,” Nate murmured. But he didn’t intervene.
“What’s stopping me from just shooting three bullets into you right now?” I demanded. I yanked my weapon from my back and pressed the barrel into her thigh. “One shot in the leg. Bang.” I moved the gun to her arm and pressed the barrel into her flesh. “Another bullet to the arm. Pow.” I moved the gun to her head and pressed the barrel into her temple. Hard. “And a final shot to the head, taking you out. Bang!”
She blanched, swallowing hard, flicking a glance at Nate. “I didn’t shoot Grace in the head. And Nate won’t let you kill me.”
I snorted. “You think if I want to kill you that Nate will be able to stop me? He’s had to pull me off people before, people I’d already killed. If I want you dead, no one will be able to stop me.”
Nate shifted closer to me, sensing I was on the verge of losing it. Truthfully, I was. I wanted to wrap my hands around Darcy’s throat and squeeze the evil right out of her. I’d never physically harmed a woman before, but right now I wanted to. So fucking badly. It took every ounce of my self-control not to kill Darcy right here and now.
I slipped my hand behind her head, grabbing a handful of her hair, and tilted her head back.
“Tony,” Nate warned. But still, he didn’t stop me.
I trailed the gun’s barrel down the side of her head. “Do you know had badly I want to fill you full of lead? Not just in the places you shot Grace. Everywhere. It would give me great satisfaction to watch you suffer the way you’re making Grace suffer. To watch you die.”
Luke might be an expert interrogator. But I was really good with scare tactics. Darcy gulped, and for the first time, fear entered her gaze. Finally, I was getting a reaction from her. Fear. When people were afraid, they were more likely to admit the truth. To slip up. To cower and give in.
Luke watched us closely, observing Darcy’s body language, studying her reactions. Ryan, Noah, and Logan all hung back, listening and observing, but not interfering. Nate remained beside me, watching, but not stopping me.
“You have two choices, Darcy,” I went on softly. “First choice, we hand you over to the authorities and you’ll be punished for your crimes. Second choice, we keep you here and punish you our way. Either way, you are going to pay for what you did to Grace. What’s it going to be?”
Her gaze jumped to Nate again. “I will tell you everything you want to know if you let me go. Everything. I promise. Just, please, let me go.”
I released her abruptly and stepped back, feeling confident that Darcy would talk. Luke didn’t need me to put the fear in her—he’d get her to talk regardless. But I’d wanted to do that for myself. And for Grace.
“She’s all yours, Luke.”
I strode from the ring.
The other dregs watched me go, their faces filled with concern. They were all worried about Grace. Worried about me.
Nate followed me, catching up to me as I reached my apartment. “Hey, you gonna be all right?”
I didn’t know the answer to that. I was still overwhelmed by all the emotions that had been pouring out of me ever since Alissa had told me Grace would live. I was now forced to deal with all the things I’d been denying. Self-doubt plagued me now, swooping in to make me unsure of myself. No matter how much I wanted Grace, I would never be good enough for her. Why would she ever want me?
Could Grace ever love me? Truly love me? Or was I just a game to her?
“I don’t know,” I admitted quietly. “All these fucking emotions are driving me crazy. I don’t mean to burden you with them.” I’d been thinking about what I had to do, but thinking it and actually doing it were two separate things. I would have to open up to Grace. Talk to her. Share with her. Make myself vulnerable. It was what Grace wanted. What she deserved.
He shrugged. “It’s not like I haven’t experienced them myself before. When I first started falling for Alissa, I was an emotional wreck. You know that. You had to deal with it along with me.”
Yeah, I had. And I’d been pissed. Worried. Even disgusted. I didn’t do feelings and I hadn’t liked seeing Nate going through so much turmoil over a woman. I’d chased Alissa away, believing she wasn’t good enough for him. She’d stubbornly come back, and I’d since had a change of opinion. Now I believed she was the only woman worthy of him.
“For the record,” he went on. “I believe Grace is perfect for you. And you’re perfect for her.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, but I had to admit it was nice to have his approval.
“Thanks,” I murmured. Then, against my will, my mouth blurted out, “I’m scared, man. What if she decides she doesn’t want me? What if I make myself vulnerable and she leaves?”
“She won’t,” he assured me. “Have a little faith in her. Grace obviously cares for you, and I know you care for her.”
Now that my emotions had been released from their cage, they were running wild. My thoughts were in a constant turmoil. I’d never been such a mess before. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t focus on just one thought.
I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I was afraid of.
Intimacy?
Caring about Grace?
Making myself vulnerable?
Being hurt?
Loving her?
Being abandoned?
Yes, to all of the above.
Every single one of those things scared me. I’d discovered many firsts with Grace. Kissing. Making love. True intimacy. Those firsts would be locked in my memory forever, never to be forgotten. Just like her.
It didn’t matter that she made me truly happy f
or the first time in my life. It didn’t matter that she’d taught me what “making love” was or how truly intimate sex could be. It didn’t matter that she was the bravest, toughest, and also the kindest, most giving woman I’d ever met. It didn’t matter that she took in unwanted children and gave them homes, making them feel loved.
My breath caught, snagging in my throat. Grace would make a wonderful mother, the kind of mother I wished I’d had. Her children would never feel unloved or unwanted. They would all feel like a part of a family. A loving family.
Unexpected longing wrapped around me, taking hold. Family. My dreg brothers were the only family I had. The only family I’d ever known. Tracker and Jacob had both gone off and started their own families. And Nate and Alissa were eager to get away so that they could too.
The longing intensified, growing fiercer. I wanted that. A family of my own.
With Grace. And all of her foster kids. Maybe even a child of our own someday.
I choked at the absurdity of that desire, spinning away from my apartment.
What mattered was that I loved her, I’d fallen for her, and that royally freaked me out.
It was too much. All these thoughts…all these feelings, were too much.
I had a sudden urge to get away from this place. Away from Nate. Away from everyone and everything.
To flee.
I jerked away and headed down the corridor. I needed to be alone now.
Nate sighed behind me, but he didn’t follow. I’d disappointed him once again. Just another disappointment. Now one of many.
Josephine intercepted me in the maze, hovering around me like fog on a cool November night. “Whatcha brooding about now, Tony? Are you still mooning over that girl?”
I did my best to ignore her as I hurried through the maze, eager for fresh air.
For freedom.
At last, I reached the surface, gasping in air as if I’d just emerged from the ocean after a deep water dive.
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