EMMA: No.
MARK: Really.
EMMA: Really. I’m not an actress. I’m a seagull.
,
MARK: Right. Yeah. I don’t know that reference. When I first came here I thought this place would be full of actresses and singers. But it’s just, you know,
normal people. You done any telly?
EMMA: Can we not talk about it actually? This is supposed to be a bit of a bubble away from reality.
MARK: Right.
I agree with you.
Although you’re completely wrong.
This is as real as it gets.
MARK holds out the packet to her again.
Go on. Treat yourself.
,
EMMA stands, walks across the circle and takes a cigarette. MARK lights it for her. MARK remains seated. EMMA stands above him. They both smoke.
,
EMMA: People who aren’t addicted to anything are really missing out, you know? To have something that can make you feel complete and loved and satisfied and to be able to actually get it. It’s not unrequited, it loves you back.
She blows out smoke and looks at it in the air.
So the therapist’s an addict too?
MARK: It’s so smart to get a job here. I’m thinking of applying for one. I’d never have to leave.
,
EMMA: Do you want to come to my room later?
,
MARK laughs.
EMMA laughs too.
,
MARK: You’re a nightmare.
,
The Group doesn’t work unless we all contribute. Everyone is vulnerable. If you mess around in here you jeopardise everyone’s recovery. Right now you’re a human hand grenade. Tell the truth about who you are or I will.
,
EMMA: I told you the truth. I’m a seagull.
The GROUP return to the room, with polystyrene cups of tea and coffee. EMMA and MARK stub out their cigarettes.
THERAPIST: Alright. Good.
The GROUP return to their seats.
We were hearing from Emma.
EMMA: I’m done.
THERAPIST: Was there nothing you wanted to add?
,
EMMA: Yes.
I’m
very
very
sorry.
For undermining the process just now.
This is all very new to me.
THERAPIST: Would anyone like to comment on what happened?
,
No? Okay. Would anyone like to practise?
EMMA: Practise what?
FOSTER: One of the ways we prepare for life in recovery is to practise certain interactions, important conversations,
EMMA: what, like, role-play?
THERAPIST: It’s something we like to do here.
FOSTER: Would you like to practise Emma?
EMMA: God no.
MARK stands, very eager.
MARK: I will.
THERAPIST: Alright. Where are we?
MARK: In my boss’s office. Couple of months from now. If all goes well.
THERAPIST: What time is it?
MARK: First thing. 7a.m.
He points at EMMA.
You’re my boss.
EMMA: What?
THERAPIST: Go on Emma.
EMMA: I have to pretend to be his boss?
THERAPIST: It’s an exercise.
MARK: Chester. He’s fat and bald, just so you have a visual.
EMMA: Then get him to do it.
EMMA points at someone in the GROUP who matches the description.
MARK: I just feel you’ll be good at this sort of thing.
EMMA: I’d rather not.
THERAPIST: You don’t have to look like the person.
FOSTER: Go on Emma.
,
She stands.
MARK: Ask me what Chester is like.
EMMA: Why?
THERAPIST: It’s how we play the game.
,
Through gritted-teeth.
EMMA: What’s Chester like?
MARK: He’s a fucking idiot.
FOSTER: Feelings are not facts Mark.
Has someone been smoking in here?
MARK: He lies. He deludes himself and thinks he can get away with it.
EMMA: Is that right?
THERAPIST: How about some observations that are less judgemental?
MARK: He’s got twin girls in their thirties. A grandchild I think. Scottish. Glasgow maybe.
EMMA: You want me to do an accent?
MARK/THERAPIST/FOSTER: No.
MARK: He values loyalty. Hard work. He smokes cigars. He shakes your hand too hard. He makes eye contact. He goes to strip clubs. He’s competitive. He will die in his office. He loves his job. I’ve let him down a lot and he’s always looked out for me.
THERAPIST: And you’re going to practise your first day back. Okay?
MARK: Yes.
THERAPIST: Emma?
,
EMMA: Yes.
THERAPIST: Alright, in three,
two,
one,
As EMMA and MARK play out their scene, the lights change and days begin to overlap. EMMA is aware of everything but tries to continue without showing it. An older woman, MEREDITH, stands and addresses the GROUP.
MEREDITH: I’m Meredith and I’m a Heroin addict.
GROUP: Hello Meredith.
MARK: Chester, can I have a word?
EMMA: I’m busy right now Mark.
THERAPIST/FOSTER: Emma.
MEREDITH: I was clean for twenty years before relapsing last year.
EMMA: I mean, of course, what can I do for you?
MEREDITH: I was in hospital. My heart.
MARK: I want to thank you for having me back.
EMMA: What do I say?
THERAPIST: Just listen Emma.
LAURA stands.
LAURA: Hello, I’m Laura. I’m an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hello Laura.
MARK: I’d like to apologise for my conduct before I left and talk a little about where I’ve been.
MEREDITH: I told them, don’t give anything. Diamorphine. I mean, that is Heroin.
MARK: I’ve been in a rehabilitation clinic for the last two months.
MEREDITH: I’d rather have the pain.
LAURA: Some days I think back on things I’ve done and I just want to die.
T stands.
T: Yeah, hi everyone. T. Like the letter. Addict.
GROUP: Hello T.
LAURA: Then I have days where I think look how far you’ve come. You’re alive. It’s a miracle.
MARK: I’m a drug addict.
T: Addicted to pretty much anything, honestly.
MEREDITH: I was in so much pain after the surgery.
LAURA: You’re a fucking miracle.
T: Glue. That was the first thing.
MEREDITH: Eventually I said yes, okay. Make it stop.
MARK: I’ve lied to you. A lot.
MEREDITH: It was as if it had been waiting for me the whole time.
T: Weed, of course.
MEREDITH: It loved me. That feeling.
T: Pills. Powders. Everything.
JODI: Hi. Jodi. Alcoholic.
GROUP: Hello Jodi.
JODI: Addict too. Prescription pills.
MARK: That time I told you I was in Bermuda. I was in rehab then too.
T: I was in and out of care as a kid. I’m not making excuses. Mum used too. Again, not an excuse, just
THERAPIST: it’s okay T. It’s context.
SHAUN: Yes, hi, hello. I’m Shaun.
GROUP: Hello Shaun.
SHAUN: I’m a Cocaine addict. Mostly.
MEREDITH: When I was younger I knew where to go. Who to ask and what to ask for.
JODI: I never really drank until I got pregnant.
MEREDITH: But they find you. They recognise you. You know who’s using. Who’s carrying. Who’s looking.
LAURA approaches EMMA.
<
br /> LAURA: You’re my sister.
EMMA: What is she like?
JODI: Now I self-medicate with painkillers. Sleeping tablets.
SHAUN: I worked in the city. Night shift. The trading day with Japan.
LAURA: We’re in her kitchen. We’re drinking tea.
JODI: I stockpile. Go without, and then
MARK: I’m sorry I lied to you.
LAURA: I’m sorry I lied to you.
THERAPIST: Would you like to speak to the Group Emma?
EMMA: No.
LAURA: She’ll have her back to me. She’ll be doing the washing up. I’ll offer to dry but she’ll say ‘leave that’.
MARK: If you want me to go I understand. No hard feelings.
SHAUN: At first I needed something to just keep me awake.
T approaches EMMA.
T: You’re Marcus, my care worker.
EMMA: What is / he like?
MEREDITH: You see people visiting the bathroom in pairs, you see how often they’re going. How / long they’re in there for.
T: I ain’t seen you since I was fifteen. I stabbed you in the hand with a broken bottle. I wish I / hadn’t done that.
JODI approaches EMMA.
JODI: You’re my husband.
EMMA: What / is he like?
LAURA: This is assuming she’ll ever see me / again.
T: There’s a lot to fill you in on / since then.
SHAUN: It’s part of the culture. It’s / normal.
MEREDITH: It’s everywhere.
JODI: We can’t be together anymore. I need to find a way to tell him that.
T: I’m wearing a suit. Want it to feel official / somehow.
MARK: Doing drugs when you’re a teenager makes you pretty / cool.
LAURA: I stole money from you and I got high at / your wedding.
T: Want to show you that I’m good. That you can be / proud of me.
MARK: In your twenties it’s just sort of / normal.
THERAPIST: Emma, would you like to say something today?
EMMA: No.
LAURA: You had a kid three years ago and I still haven’t met him. This will be / the first time.
JODI: I don’t want to be on my own. But I feel I have to be. For a / while at least.
SHAUN: I’ve had nights I’ve made thirty-million. Out of nothing. Out of numbers / on a screen.
LAURA: I have two lists.
SHAUN: I was a God.
LAURA: Things I can never do again and things I’ll have to do for the first time. They’re both horrible.
T: I thought I was alright but I was just surviving. Dog without / an owner.
LAURA: I want to have children.
JODI: He’s not a violent man. He’s been violent but it’s not / characteristic.
LAURA: And to have children I have to meet someone. I have to fall in love. / Sober.
SHAUN: I could see the patterns, the inner workings of the / universe.
MARK: In your thirties it’s a little lonely because your friends are all more / settled and serious.
MEREDITH: You set limits. Pills but not Heroin. Never / that.
LAURA: Have sex with someone for the first time while sober. How does anyone / do that?
T: Living in the moment. No past or future, just this / now now now.
MARK: In your forties it’s sad, you’re difficult to be / around.
MEREDITH: Smoke off foil but I won’t use / needles.
JODI: I don’t feel I can be a good mother to my son until I’m well. Until I can trust myself. / Does that make sense?
MARK: By your fifties you’re really showing the / damage of it.
T: Cash in hand, straight on gear.
MEREDITH: Then needles. / But responsibly. Keep my own to my own.
SHAUN: I looked at numbers on a screen and / I understood the meaning of life.
JODI: I made a list of / places.
MARK: Sixties you’re likely dead or mad, standing on the street talking about / Jesus through a traffic cone.
T: Did the ‘rent’ thing. Robbed / some people. Climbed in windows.
LAURA: How the hell am I supposed to start a relationship with someone? At what point do I tell them the / truth?
SHAUN: I saw patterns everywhere. Road signs. / Graffiti. Flocking birds. Lottery numbers. Registration plates.
T: All these people I can’t / be around.
JODI: These places I can’t go.
T: Pubs. Clubs.
LAURA: Anyone sensible would run a mile. I would. I’d run.
JODI: Parks. Friend’s houses.
SHAUN: Then it all crashed. It was just air. Random. No patterns. No logic. Just chaos.
T: My house. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to be in my house sober? Watching daytime TV, sober?
MARK: Seventies you’re definitely dead. Or you’re Keith / Richards.
MEREDITH: And I was coping. I was driving my husband’s kids to school. / I was making packed lunches.
T: Football.
JODI: Birthdays. Christmas.
T: New Year.
JODI: Weddings.
T: Gigs.
JODI: Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?
T: I’ll be under house arrest.
MEREDITH: There are people who love me.
T: If I’m around those people. If I walk in those places that’s me a dead body.
MEREDITH: Despite everything, there are people who still love me.
LAURA: I can’t be around people like me. No offence.
THERAPIST: Emma. Would you like to speak today?
EMMA: No.
LAURA: But if you haven’t been through it how can you possibly understand?
MEREDITH approaches EMMA.
MEREDITH: You’re my stepdaughter.
EMMA: What is she like?
LAURA: And life is just so boring. I’ve got to find a way to enjoy that.
MARK: Amends. That’s the hardest and most rewarding part of this whole thing. You put it out there with no hope of getting anything back. Like a prayer I guess. I mean, Amends. The word has got ‘Amen’ in it. I can’t forgive myself for a lot of things, so I can’t expect others to. My ex-wife. Pretty much every woman I’ve been with. I used to have a temper. Still do, it’s just different now. My eldest sister, she was pouring a bottle of Smirnoff down the sink. Vodka to me was like spinach to Popeye. I didn’t know my own strength. I broke her jaw then stamped on her leg, broke her ankle. She forgave me. Let me stay the next Christmas. I stole her kid’s new bike from under the tree. My nephew’s first bike. Flogged it Christmas Eve. My gran. She raised me.
He’s finding this hard. The room has settled on a single day.
Cancer. She was in pain and I
He takes a breath in and lets it out, trying to keep his composure.
I took her pain relief. I’d hear her calling out. Screaming. And I’d be like ‘sorry Nan. There’s nothing left. They must have made a mistake again.’ Now she’s dead so how do I amend for that?
I didn’t really plan what to say. Sorry. I just felt like sharing so I stood up and started talking. It helps to say it.
I went home with this girl one time. Beautiful. Really wasted. She didn’t know what planet she was on. I should have called her friends. Put her in a taxi. Been a gentleman. She had little scars all over her legs and arms. She was barely awake during. I didn’t learn her name until after when the police said it. Joanna. When I got up in the morning she was cold. Blue. I’m going to Hell for that. For not being a good person when she needed one. For being the opposite. I heard this expression in a meeting: I was a scream in search of a mouth. I don’t know what it means exactly but that’s me, before. A scream in search of a mouth. In prison they get you to make your bed every day. Like here. Anyway, I made my bed this morning. Without having to remember to do it. I just got up and did it. I never used to do that. Take care of myself. And now I’m doing things without thinking. Good things. I don’t know. It’s little but I t
hought it was worth mentioning.
He sits down.
,
THERAPIST: Thank you Mark.
,
Emma.
Anything you’d like to share with the Group today?
,
Still nothing?
This is your fifth week with us.
FOSTER: We’re only as sick as our secrets Emma.
EMMA: Fuck off Foster.
THERAPIST: Alright. Well,
anything pressing for anyone before we finish?
MARK: Yes.
EMMA’s refusal to engage with the process is compromising everyone’s recovery.
EMMA: Fuck off Mark.
MARK: I’m helping you Emma.
EMMA gestures ‘fuck off.’
We recover as a group. We need this to be a safe place to share and she’s just sitting there looking at us like we’re material.
EMMA: Fuck. Off.
SHAUN: Material for what?
EMMA: Shut up Mark.
THERAPIST: Alright, well thank you Mark. Is anyone else frustrated by Emma’s lack of engagement?
Everyone in the GROUP puts their hands up.
,
EMMA: Fuck this.
The GROUP disperses.
EMMA is in her room, angrily packing her things into a bag. MARK appears.
MARK: Knock knock.
EMMA: Fuck off.
She continues to pack.
MARK: I really am trying to help Emma.
If you can’t say it then you can’t get well.
Hello. I’m Emma and I’m an alcoholic and drug addict.
Say the words Emma.
EMMA: Look, I’ve served my time, I’m out.
MARK: Time?
EMMA: Doctor said a minimum twenty-eight days.
MARK: So you waited out the clock?
She continues to pack.
,
If your progress here can be jeopardised by me being a cunt then you truly are a lost cause.
She continues to pack.
Hello. I’m Emma. I’m an alcoholic and drug addict.
Hi, how you doing? I’m Emma. I’m an alchy.
EMMA: You’re right. You’re a cunt.
MARK: I might also be your best friend in the world.
EMMA: You don’t know anything about me.
MARK: I’ve seen you.
It took me a while to work it out but
I’ve seen you play Lavinia in Titus. Ruth in the Homecoming.
She stops packing.
I’ve seen you onstage a few times. Mostly in theatres above pubs. It’s much less suspicious to be drinking alone if you’re in an audience.
I remember thinking she’s going to be great.
,
EMMA: Yeah. I used to think that too.
,
She sits.
People, Places & Things Page 5