“Someone alerted the warden that Salem was missing from her bed,” she continues. “And the warden told Samantha Miller. And they found boxes and boxes of letters in her room and…”
I have shoeboxes full of them…
The thing in my gut spreads, slips into my veins and every corner of my body.
It’s hot and savage and animalistic and it has claws. They’re digging inside of me, in my muscles, making me growl into the phone, “What did they do to her?”
“People said that she freaked out when she saw Miller reading them out loud and she charged at her. The guards had to get involved. They had to restrain her; she passed out. She’s at the hospital. She’s fine though. She’s fine. They think she got really hysterical and that’s why she fainted.”
“Which hospital?”
“The one in town. Listen, Arrow, did you know about the letters? Was she sneaking out to see you?”
The claws twist in my organs and I choke out, “Yes.”
Because I was a stubborn, foolish asshole who was going to leave her.
“Is it because of her, then? Is that why you won’t get back together with Sarah? Because you have a thing for her sister?”
I’ve heard that tone from my mom before.
It’s a tone that brings a hot surge of shame. A surge of crawling bugs.
But I crush them now. This thing inside of me crushes the shame into a million pieces and that’s when I realize what this savage thing is.
It’s my heart.
It has turned into an animal. It has turned into an organ of fury. An organ of anger with claws and roars and it’s pounding so fast, so ferociously that it’s making me shake.
“No, Mom,” I say with a voice that’s shaking too. “I’m not with Sarah anymore because we shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place. Our whole relationship was a mistake and the evidence of that is the fact that she cheated on me. And I didn’t tell you because I was ashamed. Because I thought I’d failed and I wasn’t perfect. Because I thought perfection was everything and I didn’t want to disappoint you. But I’m glad it happened. I’m glad she cheated. I’m glad I’m not perfect because if I was then I wouldn’t have noticed her. I wouldn’t have noticed the girl for whom I’m going to fucking destroy this Samantha Miller. That’s her name, isn’t it? For her, I’m going to tear apart those guards because they dared to touch her. And I’m going to fucking crush every single person who stands in my way. And I’m going to do all of that because she’s the girl I’ll do anything for. She’s the girl I’ll be anything for. Do you understand? She’s my girl and I’m going to her.”
I forgot to hide my shoeboxes.
I forgot to put them in a safe place and now my letters are gone.
I kept telling myself that I would. That I would carry them all in my backpack and go across campus and hide them up in the third-floor bathroom or bury them by the gardenias or something.
I mean there are a lot of places where I could have hidden them.
But I didn’t.
“I forgot.”
I hear my own scratchy voice and I think I said it out loud.
But I can’t be sure because things are a little hazy as well as a little loud. There are beeping sounds around me and I think that my eyes are closed too.
When I blink them open, I see a room I’ve never seen before but I immediately know what it is.
That stink of bleach and the white pristine ceiling can only belong to one place. Plus the beeping machine by my head and the drip that hangs by it and is connected to my arm are a clear indication.
I’m in a hospital.
Because they took my letters.
Because I forgot to hide them and they were reading one out loud and I didn’t know how to make them stop.
“Hey, you’re awake.”
It’s Callie.
I turn my head to look at her. “Hey. Yeah.”
She’s sitting on a chair beside my bed and she looks haggard. Her eyes are swollen and there are dark circles under them. Still she’s smiling at me, her elbows on the bed. “How do you feel?”
I blink several times, trying to think.
I even try to move my body but everything feels so heavy and clunky. So lethargic and foggy.
“Dizzy. Lazy.”
She chuckles. “It’s okay. I think you’re just weak. The doctor said that your sugar level was pretty low. And you just needed something to eat. So they gave you that.” She points to the drip bag that’s connected to my arm. “But it’s fine. You’re gonna be fine.”
“What happened… to me?”
She sighs. “You were screaming and running toward Miller. We kept telling you to stop but you wouldn’t listen so that stupid fucking bitch set the guards on you. And you completely…” Her fingers mimic explosion. “Blew up. And then just passed out.”
I blink again, several times actually, as a lump settles itself in my throat. But somehow, I forge on. “What are you doing here?”
“They agreed to let us come see you. Not at first though. But we did some arguing. Plus Principal Carlisle called when she found out that Miller was holding us in her office. She kept us there for hours, interrogating us. Principal Carlisle got really mad about it. Said we should be with you until she gets back from New York. Poe and Wyn are here too, by the way. They’re down at the cafeteria.”
I lick my dry lips. “Thanks for having my back.”
Callie squeezes my arm and I realize I’m in hospital clothes, a yellow paper-type gown. “Are you okay though?”
That lump of emotion gets bigger, clogging my throat again, and all I can do is whisper, “I forgot. To hide them.”
Callie’s eyes tear up. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Salem. I feel like it’s our fault. We asked you to go and –”
Somehow, I get enough energy to put my hand over hers. “No. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I should’ve hidden them somewhere and I knew…” I try to swallow again. “I knew I was taking a risk sneaking out. Especially after what happened with Elanor that night and…”
I trail off because suddenly I realize something.
Something that I ignored before in my grief.
The night it snowed and I came back, crying, I stumbled on my soccer shoe.
I know I chalked it up to me being untidy but I specifically remember stowing them under the bed, so when I ask my next question, I already know the answer to it.
“Was it her? Did she tell the warden?”
Callie nods. “Yeah. Just as soon as you left.”
“She knew about the letters, didn’t she?”
“She told the warden about them and all hell broke loose. Miller had every box taken up to her office.” Callie squeezes my arm again. “We tried to stop them, I swear, Salem. God, I can’t believe Miller was being so cruel. She’s such a bitch.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s fine. She always hated me. I should’ve hidden them but…” I look up at the ceiling again, my eyes stinging with tears. “I just couldn’t, you know? I couldn’t part with them and that was stupid. But then that’s nothing new, really. I’ve always been stupid.”
Stupid and hopeless and doomed.
That’s what I am and I’ve always known that.
Always.
But I never knew that I’d lose my letters because of it. Because of my stupidity.
I thought they’d always be with me. That I’d always have them by my side.
They’re my love story, see. I thought that as long as I had them, I wouldn’t be lonely. That it wouldn’t matter I don’t have the one thing that I want so badly in my life.
It wouldn’t matter that I’m doomed.
But they’re gone now.
They’re gone and God, I’ve never felt lonelier.
“You’re not stupid, Salem,” Callie says, breaking into my thoughts. “You’re in love. You just love him.”
I chuckle hollowly. “Yeah, I do. I love
him.”
And he’s gone too, isn’t he?
My Arrow.
The boy I wrote those letters for. He left too. He’s probably on a plane right now, going to the place where he belongs.
Because he was always going to leave.
Because everything we had was temporary and it’s for the best.
That’s what he told me and he was right.
It is for the best.
I’ve always been alone in my love. So why should something change now?
Why should my love that has always been doomed suddenly get a new life? Why should he love me when he can’t love anyone?
I’m not that special.
So I’m glad he’s gone. I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad that I can cry and sob and be all emotional without it being a bother to him.
Yeah, glad.
Glad is what I am.
“What happened with him?” Callie asks, hesitantly.
I shrug. “Nothing. He’s leaving.”
“Are you serious?” When I nod, her eyes flash with anger. “God, boys are so stupid, aren’t they? What is wrong with him? Can’t he see that you love him?”
I chuckle again. And again, it’s hollow and it hurts my chest and my throat and my heart.
It hurts everything.
“He can. That’s why he’s leaving.”
She scoffs, sitting back in her chair. “What a giant douchebag. I fucking hate boys.”
And just like that, her dark circles become prominent.
They aren’t even circles; they’re pits, and her cheekbones are sunken and I realize that my friend needs me too.
Gathering whatever energy I have, I pull myself and sit up. “Callie, will you please tell me what’s going on between you and him?” She stiffens and I grab her hand. “I know about keeping secrets, okay? I know. But please, let me help you. Please tell me what’s going on with you?”
Tears shine in her eyes as she whispers, “Nothing.” She sniffles. “Everything.”
“Talk to me. Tell me, please. Maybe I can help.”
“No one can help me.”
“Callie, come on. What is it?”
She opens her mouth and breathes out. A teardrop streams down her cheek as she whispers, “I think… I think I’m pregnant.”
My fingers tighten around her hand. “What?”
Ducking her head, she nods. “I’m pregnant. I haven’t taken the test b-but I know.”
“Is that why… Is that why you’ve been throwing up?”
Her shoulders slump and when they shake, I get my confirmation.
Gosh, I’ve been such an idiot.
We all have been.
Callie has been throwing up in the mornings, but she’d be okay all day. Isn’t that like, the most obvious sign?
Leaning forward, I push back her soft blonde hair and urge her to look at me. “God, Callie. I’m so sorry. I’m…” My eyes fill up with tears too. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
She whips her eyes up, all red-rimmed and angry. “Because I’m such an idiot, Salem. I’m the biggest idiot in the world. He broke my heart, okay? That asshole broke my heart and I promised myself that I’d never ever fall for him again. And he comes back into town and I do the exact thing I told myself I wouldn’t. And now I’m pregnant. With that… villain’s baby and…”
I rub her back in circles. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’ll figure things out. We’ll –”
“There’s nothing to figure out. Don’t you see? It’s not as if I can keep it a secret. People are gonna know and they’ll expel me from St. Mary’s and God, my brother is gonna be so mad at me.” She covers her face, crying, and my tears start spilling too.
“Does he… Does Reed know?”
She shakes her head before lifting it, her watery eyes filled with determination, with a look that says she’s a girl betrayed in love. “No, and I’m not going to tell him either.”
“But shouldn’t he know? I mean, he… he’s the dad.”
“Fuck him, okay? Fuck him. He lied to me all those years ago. I thought he loved me but he didn’t. I was the only one in love, and apparently I still am because look at me, spreading my legs for him like a stupid slut. But that’s it. That’s all he’s taking from me. I’m not giving him my baby.”
“But Callie, I think you should really –”
My words die out when I hear a commotion outside.
Much like the one I heard last night when I entered the dorm building and found my love story exposed to everyone at the school.
But this one is much more violent.
This commotion has crashing sounds and thundering footsteps and a growly voice. “Where is she? Where the fuck is she?”
His voice.
It reaches me through the corridor and the glass windows of my room and raises itself above the beep, beep, beep of the machines and the thump, thump, thump of my heart.
It not only reaches me, it wraps itself around me like a pair of arms – his sleek, muscular arms – warming me up, making me realize that I was cold before.
But he’s here and all cold is gone.
I can even see him through my window.
He’s looking around, frantic, running his fingers through his sun-struck hair, his jaw unshaven and messy, the chain around his neck shining like always.
A second later, he finds me.
His eyes land on me and his whole body shudders. It’s a visible spasm that rolls through his muscles. That I can feel in my own stomach.
We stare at each other through the space and I feel like he knows everything.
I feel like he feels what I’m feeling.
All the grief and all the sadness at losing those letters and I just want him to put those strong arms of his around me and hug me.
“Apparently, he didn’t leave,” Callie murmurs from beside me and the moment breaks.
Everything comes rushing back.
He was leaving, wasn’t he?
Yeah, he was.
I don’t know what he’s doing here but my letters are gone and I’m lonelier than ever. And as soon as he starts striding toward me, I look away.
Callie gives me a tremulous smile. “I think I’m gonna go. I’ll go find out what Wyn and Poe are up to.”
I grab her wrist, suddenly feeling afraid.
I haven’t looked but I know he’s up to the threshold now. He’ll enter the room any second and I don’t wanna be alone with him.
Especially when I’m feeling so vulnerable.
“I don’t… I…” I try to tell her but don’t know what to say.
“Everything will be okay. Don’t worry.” She stands up from her seat.
“Are you going to be okay though?” I ask.
“Yeah.” She smiles, grins actually. “I think for a douchebag who doesn’t love you, he looks a little too worried about you.”
I don’t have the time to comment on her observation because he chooses that moment to burst inside the room.
After that I have no choice but to ignore everything else and look at him. At his navy-blue eyes, his heavily breathing chest, and I clutch the sheets of my bed.
Tightly.
“What…” I swallow. “What are you doing here?”
“You fainted,” he says, his lips barely moving they’re pulled so tight.
“Right.” I shake my head. “It’s nothing. I’m okay.”
He clamps his jaw before saying in a rough voice, “They said your sugar level was low. And you were dehydrated.”
I sigh. “Yeah, that. It’s, uh, fine. I’m –”
“No, it’s not,” he snaps.
He does it so loudly and so viciously that I jump.
“What?” I ask, pulling at the sheet and curling my toes inside the blanket.
“It’s not fine, Salem.” He pushes the words out and I think they’re costing him a lot because I swear he’s vibrating. “It’s not fucking
fine. It means you weren’t eating.”
Oh God.
Him and his crazy obsession with what I eat.
It isn’t a huge surprise that Arrow eats everything right and healthy. And back when… well, when I’d sneak out to see him, up until a few days ago, he’d make me eat all that weird healthy stuff too.
He’d even make me those disgusting green shakes.
I hated them but I loved how he’d take care of me and made me drink every drop.
Even now, even after everything, my chest overflows with warmth at the sharp concern in his tone.
“I was eating. I was –”
“You’re not going back there.”
I press my spine into the pillows. “What?”
“You’re not going back to St. Mary’s after this,” he declares.
“I’m sorry?”
“I’m taking you home as soon as they discharge you. I –”
I raise my hand. “Hold on a second. What… What are you talking about?”
He flexes his fists, curls and uncurls them, at his sides for a second before growling, “I’m not leaving you in that bullshit place. That place with all those rules and bullies. You don’t belong there. You…” He shoves his fingers into his hair and almost tears out a clump of his sun-struck strands. “You’re there because of me. You got sent there because of me. And all of this, you not eating, you sneaking out, happened because of me too. Because I was being a stubborn fucking asshole. But not anymore. Not –”
“Stop.”
This time, it’s him who flinches because I was so loud.
So abrupt.
But I had to do it. I had to stop him.
Because look at him. He’s… flooded with regret.
His features are pulsing with it. It drips from his body, from his glassy eyes, his agitated movements.
My fingers go limp in the sheets. My toes uncurl. I stop pressing my spine into the pillows as I watch him.
As I watch him doing exactly what I never wanted him to do.
Beat himself up.
He’s beating himself up, isn’t he?
That’s why he’s here.
Because he thinks it’s his fault. Because he thinks it’s an obligation to be here. Not because he wants to be.
And I’ve had it.
I’ve had it with him.
“Get out.”
My Darling Arrow Page 33