by Kit Harlow
"Looks like." She looked at me, a hint of red on her cheeks. Her eyes dropped to her feet as she licked her lips nervously. "Is Steph flipping her shit again?" she asked glancing at me. I read more in that brief look than I wanted to. She was clearly embarrassed, but just as clearly looking to make me angry.
"She is, but from what I hear, you're the love 'em and leave 'em kind of girl now, so she shouldn't be." The bitterness in my voice caught us both by surprise. A range of emotions raced across her face before she finally resumed the mask of utter indifference. I was embarrassed by my outburst, but I didn't let it show.
She took a breath, squared her shoulders, and smirked. "And on that note," she tossed her hair over her shoulder. "See you at work."
I watched her walk away, sweep the woman into a deep kiss at the bar, glance my way, and head out the door. I groaned and buried my face in my hands.
"Anytime I see her, I immediately turn into a raging bitch." I looked at Nate, wanting to ask for help, but unsure of what I needed exactly.
He laughed softly. "So, the heartbreak was mutual, huh?"
I looked up at him. He seemed genuinely interested and I seized on the first chance to talk about my break up with someone that was a mutual coworker, but definitely not a mutual friend. It’s not like I could talk to my friends in Noho. They made it clear they wanted none of the details because they refused to take sides. And it had never come up with David. Well, I had never brought it up.
I took a breath, held it for a few seconds, and exhaled slowly. Stephanie was happily distracted by the waitress. Good.
"She accepted a job in New York when I was at a place in my career where I couldn't leave. I had no reputation, a pathetic portfolio, and next to no job prospects beyond what I could find freelancing."
Nate nodded and prompted me to continue.
"One of the local magazines wanted to hire me and I couldn't pass on the opportunity. And neither could she." I looked at Nathan, hoping to see some sort of reaction. All I saw was compassion and concern. "Up to that point, we'd been happy. We'd been in love. And I fucked everything up. I threw away a future with someone I truly loved for essentially nothing."
"What happened?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I didn't get the job." I laughed bitterly. "And here I am, thrust back into a situation where I have to relive that choice multiple times a day. And to make matters worse, my automatic reaction is to yell at her. So, yeah. I'm winning right now."
"Hey, it's not so bad!" he grinned. "At least you have the satisfaction of knowing she's still upset by it," he added deviously. "Does your husband know?"
"About Katie specifically, no. I told him I dated women, but he doesn't know about her or the fact that we were almost engaged. It's like that detail is too personal to share with him."
Nate's jaw dropped. "She asked you to marry her?" I nodded. "You're the one?"
Oh God. She'd told them about us..."What did she say?" I asked hesitantly.
He shook his head. "Just that she had this girlfriend back in Northampton. She said she proposed but the girl said no, and since then she's had a hard time finding anyone long term." He scratched his head, ruffling his hair slightly. "She was drunk when she told me, if that's any consolation. It’s not like she’s been trashing you to everyone..."
I rolled my eyes. "Well, there's that, at least."
"You miss her?" Nate asked quietly, refusing to break eye contact with me.
I cringed, but I forced myself to think about it. For the last few years, I’d done everything I could to avoid assessing my feelings. I was married. I told myself I was happy and that was enough to make it true.
"I think a part of me always will. I mean, how can I not? It's Katie."
“What does that mean?” he asked. The blank look he gave me made me painfully aware of how much she'd isolated herself.
“You share an office with her. You know what I mean. She’s kind, caring…”
Nate sighed and shook his head. “She’s a mystery, Liz. I work with her, yes, but that doesn’t mean I know the first thing about her. What is she like, really?”
I struggled to sum her personality up. "Katie is stubborn, opinionated, and seething."
"Okay, maybe I do know her."
"But she's also the type of person who will give you the shirt off her back if you ask her for it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really? She’s so standoffish…how does anyone get close enough to ask her?”
I thought about it for a second. “The Katie I knew would talk to everyone. She cared more about other people than herself.”
Nate leaned forward intently.
I continued with my explanation. “She's fiercely independent, but that's because she had to be. Her parents weren’t the best.” I grinned in spite of myself. “She's the type of person who will laugh at horror movies and still get creeped out at night once the lights are off.” I tried to shut out the memories and failed.
“She’s willing to drop everything and drive six hours into the backcountry if there's a chance of a meteor shower." I looked at Nate who smiled sadly. "She's the type to never ask for love because she doesn't think she deserves it."
Nate cringed. "You described a completely different person than our coworker."
"That's just scratching the surface. And I hate that I still remember all of it."
I leaned back in my chair and swallowed the lump in my throat. This was not how my life was supposed to go. I had always envisioned Boston and its great opportunities as this ideal city, a place where I wouldn't know anyone. I could start fresh without any reminders of the way things used to be. Instead, I got the mother of all reminders every day I showed up at the office.
"I hate that I miss her," I said more to myself than to Nathan. When I looked at him, he locked eyes with me and the intensity of that look was intimidating.
Nate leaned back and sighed. "You know it hasn't been easy for her, right?"
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"Look, she was always more Peter's friend than mine. But I've known her for a while now. She's never been in a relationship that I was aware of and I know she was recovering from some problem or another when she took the job. All I'm saying is try and be nice. You aren't the only one who's struggling right now."
When I got home, I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours wishing desperately that David were home, wanting and needing some reminder of the love we shared instead of a cold pillow and vacant mattress hollow. Instead, he was hundreds of miles away in some small flat in Chicago, probably poring over student papers late into the night.
My life had become a sad echo of what it had been in Northampton. My devoted husband who once made me breakfast every Monday to start my week off right was only home once in a blue moon. Had I driven him away too? Was I doomed to repeat the same mistakes with him as I had with Katie? I lay there and allowed myself to cry, to embrace the loneliness I was surrounded by. Slowly I fell into the blackness, that void of dreamless sleep only seen by the truly exhausted, and my tears dried.
The next morning dawned painfully early. My clock still flashed 5:28 after I'd tried to go back to sleep numerous times. Giving up, I rolled out of bed, stumbled into the kitchen, and put the coffee on. It was a ritual for me and one I found comfort in. Still, it felt hollow, like I was simply going through the motions and faking it until I felt like myself.
I decided to head into the office that morning, just for a change of scenery. The thought of sitting alone in my apartment, watching the hours tick by was more than enough to drive me out. I wasn't ready for human contact, at least, not yet. But I didn't want to spend my day moping at home. I could do that elsewhere.
The office was abandoned and barren of noise. Truth be told, it was eerily quiet—horror movie quiet. I expected someone to jump out of the shadows at any second. I dropped my things at my desk and made my way to the break room to grab another cup of coffee before finishing a few articles I had on my list of im
pending deadlines. I came to a startled halt when I noticed Katie sitting at the table, staring blankly at an empty mug cradled between her hands. She looked up, just as surprised as I was.
"Hey," she said coolly.
"Hey, yourself," I replied and busied myself at our Keurig. I hated the machine, but the convenience couldn't be denied. I kept my eyes firmly in front of me and on the machine, watching the glowing blue display with intense focus. Still, I was painfully aware of her eyes on my back. If I was being honest, I felt guilty about my remarks yesterday and knowing what I did about Katie's relationships post breakup, how could I not feel bad?
The coffee mug tapped on the table softly. "You know it's the weekend, right?" Katie asked, voice still infuriatingly devoid of emotion. I wanted her to sound as flustered as I felt.
"Yep."
She laughed softly. "Masochist," she taunted.
I smiled in spite of myself and pulled my full mug from the dispenser. The cream and sugar beckoned me, a convenient excuse to not turn and look at her. But the taste was awful. Gathering what little courage I had, I turned and faced her.
"About last night," I started. I needed to apologize, at least I felt like I needed to.
Katie raised a hand, silencing me, and shook her head. "Don't worry about it," she said quickly. We fell into a pained silence, neither willing to look at the other and neither willing to leave the room. My feet had become glued to the tile. I couldn't move, I discovered. Something held me there.
She licked her lips and scrunched her upper lip. She was searching for something to say, so I waited. Odd how I remembered her expressions so clearly. It was the first time we'd been civil to each other. It was the first time we'd been alone since that night at the bar.
"I um..." she started and fell silent again.
"You what?" I asked smiling. It was a pleasant awkwardness, in a way. I leaned against the counter, embracing the comfortable familiarity of the situation. Something about it felt inherently right, like having her in my life, even as an estranged coworker, was the most natural thing in the world. If I closed my eyes, I could practically go back in time, pretending we were in our kitchen in Northampton, just the two of us. I resisted the temptation.
Kate rubbed at her eyes. "Never mind," she said, returning her gaze to her hands on the table. I shook my head and walked out, feeling annoyed. I didn't think working with her would ever be easy. I walked back to my desk and proceeded to type mindlessly. Sometimes writing was easier when I zoned out and somehow, I managed to do just that. Around noon, I heard Katie's office door close. Footsteps paused outside my cubicle. My heart leapt into my throat as I turned around.
Katie smiled sadly. At least, that's how I interpreted it.
"Have a good day," she said barely above a whisper. Her camera bag was slung across her shoulder and her grip on the strap was tight. Like it was her only link to self-control.
"Thanks," I said as she walked away. I scrunched up my face and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Kat," I called after her. She whipped around, hair swirling around her shoulders, making my heart skip a beat. "I—" What was I trying to say? "I hope your date went well," I said. The words felt strange on my tongue. I didn't really mean them, but they came out. She smiled with her eyes.
"Thanks," she replied, amused. Katie walked back towards my cubicle and leaned on the wall. "But it was pretty bad."
"Sorry," I said out of politeness. My inner vindictive bitch was elated.
She smiled and shook her head. "Yeah, well...I have high standards." She paused, biting her lip. “Have you—did you ever—after I moved?”
I swallowed. “Was I ever with another woman after you?” She nodded. My cheeks burned as I struggled with whether or not I should be honest with her. I settled on the truth.
“No.”
She sighed and stared at me, trying to put the puzzle pieces of my life back together in her mind. “Why?”
I smirked. “I have high standards,” I replied. It was the truth. When she’d moved away, I knew it would take someone extraordinary to capture my attention.
Katie looked like she wanted to say something, but the words died before they were spoken.
“See you later,” she said gently.
“Yeah.”
Chapter 5
Halloween was just around the corner, and though Steph and Nate invited me to their joint queer Halloween party, I had no choice but to decline. James had scheduled an assignment for me and Katie on the very evening, forcing me to go watch yet another concert with my ex in attendance. Unlike the rest of the shows we’d gone to, this one was far outside city limits and, since I was without a car, I was forced to hitch a ride with Katie.
That entire day I stayed at home doing my best to prepare myself for the inevitable long car ride with my ex. I came up with a list of questions to ask the band and redid it at least five times before settling on the final list. I cleaned my apartment. I ironed my jeans…because I couldn’t think of what else to do. Anything that kept me busy was worthwhile. Before I knew it, the sun was setting and I had barely half an hour to get ready.
I’d already decided on my outfit for the night. It was suitably casual. I chose a charcoal gray sweater and a pair of relaxed-fit jeans that did very little to show off my ass or to make me look sophisticated, but it was comfortable. And I needed all the comfort I could get tonight. To round out the look, I chose my battered red Converse that I’d had since college. When I stared at my reflection in the mirror and the characteristic ponytail at the nape of my neck, I grimaced. My fingers tugged at the elastic and pulled it out, freeing my straight hair into an uninteresting mess around my shoulders. I ran a curling iron through a few sections to bring a bit of volume back and sighed. It would have to do. And just who am I trying to impress, anyway?
Katie met me at my apartment right at seven, leaving us just enough time to make it to the venue and set up before the music started…assuming I had been ready. As usual, I was running late and I prayed she wouldn’t be more frustrated with me than she already was.
I stared at my phone and her message nervously. The thought of being stuck with her in a car for two hours tonight was enough to set my nerves off. All it made me do was move more slowly. Tonight would be the longest time we'd be together in months—and the first time we would be completely alone without the distraction of a concert or the office. I hated that I had to rely on her.
I took one last look in the mirror and smiled. I looked good—just a comfy form of good. To be honest, I looked almost exactly like I did in college. The only difference was the slight amount of makeup I’d put on. I didn't know what Katie would think, but I hoped some small part of her would be jealous. I needed that vindication.
Tucking my hair behind my ear, I tugged my wool pea coat over my shoulders, grabbed my bag, and headed down the stairs to her waiting car. It wasn't hard to spot; the same orange Fiat Uno I'd helped her pick out in our senior year flashed its lights at me. I crossed from the front door to the car in three quick strides, pulled hard on the ancient handle with its propensity to stick, and promptly fell on my ass. The door flew open and Katie cackled, laughing so hard she snorted. So much for my dignity, I thought with a grimace as I brushed myself off. I slid into the bucket seat and shut the door with more force than was strictly necessary.
"I fixed the door a few years ago," Katie said after catching her breath. She was still smirking, but kept her eyes on the steering wheel as she pulled away from the curb. I sat in silence, watching the safety of my apartment disappear in the rearview mirror.
"Are you okay?" She struggled to hide her amusement.
"I'm fine." That was all I could manage to say to her. Truth be told, I'd been dreading this car ride all day. The thought of being alone with my ex in such tight quarters made me want to scream. Now, the only thing I could do was remain silent and hope we made it to the venue without an argument. I absently traced the pattern in the fake leather lining. It was worn smooth by countless pe
ople doing the same thing over the years before she’d bought it and the feeling was oddly comforting.
Katie looked at me while we waited at the stoplight. I felt her eyes on my face and tried to suppress the memories of happier times. This was the last place I wanted to be. She was the last person I wanted to see again. Since our conversation at the bar, our collaboration had involved a minimal amount of communication, and being stuck in a small car with her made everything more infuriating. All the anger I'd harbored came rushing back, but I refused to indulge it. So, I remained stoically silent, eyes fixed on my clenched fists. I heard Katie sigh, but refused to acknowledge it. We drove the rest of the way in absolute silence and parked the car behind the venue, bypassing the line of people out front.
I grabbed my bag and dove straight in, securing a place far enough from the speakers that I wouldn't get blown out, but I'd still have a clear view of the stage. The floor was slowly filling up as the bouncer let people in. Thankfully it was an over 21 affair...I hated all ages events. I made a few notes about the type of audience the band attracted and waited for them to take the stage.
After what felt like an eternity, they finally came out. The audience greeted them with loud cheers and applause. The lead singer, a woman in her mid-twenties, flashed a toothy grin at us as she picked up her mic, nodded at her guitarist, and launched immediately into song.
To say that she was good would be the worst insult I could possibly come up with. Her voice was clear, each note was true and echoed over the shouts of the audience. It was like the venue came alive at the sound of her voice and my reaction was no different. I stood a little straighter, focused a little more, and studied her voraciously. In between sets, she smiled in my direction and my heart skipped a beat. She was plain to look at, but her talent made her stand out, drew our attention to her. When she left the stage for a moment, it was as if a spell had been broken. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and saw Katie adjusting her lens.