‘Un-fucking-believable. Gavin. Bloody Gavin. I’m going after him, I’m going to tell him who I am, show him his poxy messages.’ I need to hurl every insult I didn’t throw at Dad at him.
‘Rosie, hang on.’ Noah catches my arm. ‘Just hang on a sec, let’s think this through.’ He puts his hands on my shoulders. ‘He’s got his kids with him, I mean his daughter, she’ll …’ He pulls me closer. ‘She’ll understand, or at least hear it. It’s not fair, is it?’ His voice is soft, and when I look up, his gaze is even softer. Worried. ‘We need to do this right.’
I deflate abruptly as his words sink in. ‘You can let go. I won’t run after him.’ My words slightly muffled against his torso. He’s right. I also can’t stay in his arms. I’m getting all hot and bothered again; the blood is pounding in my cheeks and all I can think about is nestling in for a while and letting him hold me while I hang on like I never want to let go.
It’s not right. I can’t. I wriggle. ‘Promise. No way would I want to upset his kids.’
He lets go. I make a big fuss of brushing myself down and straightening myself out so that I’ve got time to get my pulse rate down to a normal level.
Kissing Noah was so such a bad idea.
His skin is so smooth, like velvet draped over a hard rock. Oh hell, I’m going all mushy and dramatic.
I’m all over the place with the shock of seeing Gabe, with knowing he’s not just some stupid guy who doesn’t turn up for dates, knowing he’s a married man. With the kick in the gut that he’s yet another man just like my dad. With kissing Noah.
I need to get control.
‘Get a grip, Rosie.’ I mutter under my breath.
‘Are you okay?’ Noah tucks the hair behind my ear which makes me flinch away.
‘Fine.’ Oops that might have been a bit snappy. ‘Sure, thanks. I am fine, just in shock.’
‘I’m sorry you had to … It was bad enough the git did what he did to you, without you finding out he …’
‘It’s fine.’ I smile at him.
‘It’s not though, is it?’ His voice is soft.
‘I’m fine. Honest.’ Being in his arms was far more of a shock than seeing Gabe with his family in tow. I try not to stare at Noah’s mouth. He’s got such nice full lips, well not too full, firm, but just right for kissing.
‘Rosie?’
‘Sorry.’ Must stop staring. ‘So,’ I clap my hands together and aim for brisk, ‘what’s the plan then?’
‘Let’s go and sit down, grab a coffee from that van. Come on.’ He leads me over to a bench, fusses around as though I’m a trauma victim, then goes to buy us a coffee. He hardly takes his eyes off me.
It’s so sweet I feel like crying again.
‘Right.’ He sits down. ‘Tell me about your date with your climbing instructor then. You shouldn’t date your teachers, you know.’ He wags his finger and gives me a stern look, that’s also supposed to be funny.
‘I know,’ I say miserably. Oh, I definitely know I should not date my instructors. Either of them.
I also know that I don’t want to go on a date with Stuart. It doesn’t matter. He was nice, easy-going but I don’t want to date for the sake of it. I want to kiss Noah again. Which is scary and stupid. ‘I probably won’t do it.’
‘Oh?’
‘I’m not that into him.’
We both stare into our coffee cups. ‘So, tell me about your dad then.’ His voice is soft, the words unexpected. ‘Please, if you want to.’
I don’t say anything, I’m too busy trying to gather my thoughts, put them into words that make sense. ‘Not a lot to say.’
‘Oh, Rosie. Gabe didn’t bother you, did he? It was the kids, the thought of kids getting tangled up in this and hurt, like you were.’
‘How could I have got it wrong, how could I have nearly …’
‘You didn’t know him, Rosie. You hadn’t even met him.’
‘But I should have been able to tell!’ I’m shocked that with all the layers of self-protection I thought I had draped around myself, with all my determination to make sure I found the right man, I still could have got it wrong. I stare into my cup. ‘Dad cheated, cheats. He’s done it all my life, I think. He travels round with his orchestra and shags who he wants and has always come home when he’s bored or wants a change.’ I shrug and try and pretend it’s easy to say.
‘Those girls he sees must know he’s got a family though, it’s totally different to you meeting somebody online. You can’t blame yourself.’
‘I know.’ I sigh. I’ve built my whole life around protecting myself from the charmers of life and trying to build something safe and secure. Something boring and risk-free, so that I’d feel safe. Have a normal life.
And I’ve jumped to conclusions about people like Noah. Somebody who has always been honest, somebody my instincts have told me I can trust. Somebody who has always given me one hundred per cent of his attention while he’s been with me. When he’s been with me, he’s been with me – if that makes sense. He’s never been watching other people, flirting, or finding his phone or a conversation more interesting. Even though all I am is a girl he’s decided needs a helping hand.
‘Dad wasn’t an easy man to grow up with. Not that he was there much.’ I sigh heavily.
‘Okay, start with your mum if it’s easier, and I’ll try and fill in the blanks.’ He smiles at me disarmingly.
Mum is easier. Well her relationship with me is, I’m not sure about the one she has with Dad. ‘Mum is lovely.’
‘Like you.’ He smiles.
‘Flatterer! She is though, lovely, but a bit batty at times. No, don’t say it! She was stunning when she was young, really gorgeous in her wedding photos, and of all the men she could have married, she had to fall for Dad.’
It’s hard, he’s my dad. You don’t think nasty things about your dad when you’re young, do you? They can never do any wrong. Annoy you maybe, but you don’t see the real flaws. I’m starting to see the real flaws. It’s horrible, it’s casting a shadow on my childhood, a longer one than noticing he wasn’t there at the time. But, I mean, how bad is it when you realise that you’re comparing possible boyfriends to your dad and instantly binning any that show any similarities at all. When I started to date Robbie I did it self-consciously, pompously aware that they were very different, and quite proud of myself and my wise choice. Since I’ve been a single woman again there’s been a beacon flashing in my head shouting out loud and clear that trusting any man with a flirt gene is impossible for me.
I hate him. Dad. He has effectively stamped out any desire (well, maybe not desire) to follow my heart in a search of passion. Mum might think I’m missing out, but really? Is passion really that great, great enough to risk a broken heart?
‘She’s still pretty okay.’ I flick through my phone, as a distraction, show him a recent snap of the two of us.
Noah peers closely. ‘More than pretty okay. She looks beautiful. Obvious family resemblance, though you of course aren’t quite …’
‘Cheeky bugger.’ I play thump his arm, then stare at the photo again. ‘She was so glamorous, so confident and bubbly when I was little.’ I smile to myself. ‘The coolest mum at school pick-up time. But,’ I’ve only realised this bit recently, ‘she was doing it mainly for him I reckon. She was chasing him, trying to make sure he still loved her.’
‘Is that so bad?’ he says softly.
‘What do you think?’ I square up to him. ‘Was love worth it for your mate, Jed?’
‘I’m talking about you, not him. He’s not here to say.’
‘Look, I reckon Mum was dead sexy, really confident when she was younger. Well, that’s what I get from what my grandparents say. They actually thought Mum and Dad were a really good match, and even though she was brilliant, fun, everything a man should have wanted,’ I glare, challenging him to contradict me, he doesn’t, ‘he still cheated on her.’
‘It happens, Rosie. I’m really, really sorry it happened to your mum
, but some people are shits.’
‘He’s made a fool out of her.’
‘It was her choice, Rosie. And she tried to do her best for you, didn’t she?’ I nod, ignoring the lump in my throat. Noah leans in. ‘This is why you had a go at me, isn’t it? The player? You think I’m like your dad.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t have to. You think I’m like him, you think Gav is like him.’
I make a harrumph sound.
‘Okay, okay, maybe you’re right, about Gav not me.’ He gives me a warning look and waves a finger. ‘But it could just be a one off.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘You believe that?’
‘Maybe not. But he didn’t actually turn up for your date.’
‘Don’t give him excuses, Noah.’
‘I’m not, honestly.’ He puts his warm hand over mine. ‘He’s a shit whether or not you were the only person he talked to.’
‘I gave my dad excuses. He must be the only bloody musician working a regular 24 hours a day, haha.’
‘He was never there?’
‘Not often. He’d come back now and then, but it didn’t always tie in with when we needed him. It was just,’ I try to keep the heavy sigh inside, ‘when it suited him.’ I nod to myself. ‘Because he had nothing better to do, nobody more exciting to be with.’ I half smile. ‘For a rest.’
‘Oh Rosie.’
‘Or when somebody had shown an interest in Mum.’ Some of the memories come back. ‘She’d say on the phone that some old friend from school or college had popped in, some old boyfriend had been in touch, and he’d be there the next day. He hated her getting attention.’
‘Not the best dad in the world.’
‘Nope.’ But worse than I’d remembered. I’d given him the benefit of the doubt. Like you do, when it’s your dad.
Noah squeezes my hand. ‘We’re not all like him, you know.’
I nod. ‘I know. Robbie wasn’t.’
‘Is that why you were with him for so long?’
‘Maybe. I did love him though.’ Just not fancy the pants off him, I could have added. ‘I can’t let Gavin just do what he likes.’
Noah kisses my cheek. ‘You can’t, and nor can I. Right then, if you’re sure you’re okay?’ I nod. ‘Have you still got his profile on your phone?’
I nod again. ‘I don’t care about me, it’s not about me. I don’t care he stood me up.’ It’s true I realise. It was a shock seeing him in the flesh, an even bigger shock seeing him with a pram, but now the shock has blown over I know I’m not bothered. That date with him seems like it was years ago, a different life. I’d been far too busy with Noah to even think about being stood up. It had been like it never happened.
Until now.
‘I need to show Gemma, my sister. See what she says. I mean his wife has just had a baby, she’ll be emotional enough, won’t she?’
‘Guess so, don’t ask me though. I have zilch experience of birth-mother hormones.’
‘Will you come? Show her what you’ve got?’
I take a deep breath. I’m going to do this. ‘Only if you come to my parents’ with me, to the anniversary party.’
‘I said I would, you don’t have to blackmail me.’ He grins; the flutters start up in the base of my tummy, which makes it impossible not to smile back.
‘It makes me feel better!’ It does, I feel better if I can tell myself it’s a deal. It isn’t any kind of a date, it’s not me getting more personal than I should. It’s just one favour in return for another.
‘Right, let’s go then.’
‘Now?’
‘Now.’ He takes my hand in his, and I dig my heels in. Shocked.
‘But, but …’ I am not dressed for visiting. ‘I have my rock-climbing gear on, and my hair in a ponytail, and very little make-up.’
‘So do I! Well not the ponytail or make-up.’
‘That’s different, she knows you. She’s probably seen you naked.’
‘Gem won’t mind.’
‘But I do.’
He stops pulling. ‘Rosie, you’re gorgeous as you are.’
‘You’re just saying that to get your own way.’ I sigh. ‘Okay, okay. Fine. Lead the way, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend or anything and I need to impress anybody.’
He gives me a slightly weird look that makes me wish I hadn’t said that bit.
Chapter 19
Gemma doesn’t live far away, but it feels like miles when I’m thigh to thigh with Noah in his sporty little car. I should have said I’d get the bus, because I swear my heart is ticking over more loudly than the car engine.
Luckily, he seems oblivious. He doesn’t say a word until we pull up on the driveway outside a rather imposing Georgian-style house.
He pauses as he lifts a hand to knock on the front door. ‘I wasn’t just saying it by the way. You are.’
‘What?’ I’m trying to resist the urge to smooth my hair down and am concentrating on what is going to come next, what I’m supposed to say to Gemma. How I explain me and her brother, and hardly register what he’s said.
‘Gorgeous.’
‘Oh.’ I stop dithering and look at him. He smiles. Touches the very tip of my nose with his finger. I grin back, like an idiot.
‘That kiss by the way.’
‘Oh God, I’m sorry.’ I stop smiling. ‘I didn’t mean, I just couldn’t think of anything …’
‘Awesome. No lessons needed there. Shame really, I was looking forward to moving on to that bit.’ He winks. Too gorgeous for his own good, and mine.
Luckily the door swings open at this point. Otherwise I might have felt the need to insist on extra-curricular activities.
‘Noah, this is,’ she glances at me, then back at him, then back at me again. It would be odd if she didn’t look so surprised. ‘A nice surprise. Hi!’ She waves at me. I wave back.
‘Hi!’
‘Come in, come in, wow, aren’t I rude?’ She’s got Noah’s eyes, his lovely easy smile, his gentle manner and I instantly like her. ‘You’ll have to excuse the mess, been putting a dog back together all morning.’
‘Back together?’ We follow her in; the place looks fine to me. Tidier than mine anyway.
‘Hit by a car.’ She winces. ‘A bit smashed up, but who needs legs that all point in the same direction anyway?’
‘Ignore her,’ says Noah. It’s pretty hard to ignore his hand in the small of my back as he steers me towards the kitchen. ‘She’s ace at straightening them up, all the right bits in all the right places.’ He kisses her on the cheek.
‘Okay, okay, enough of the being nice big bro, what have you done now?’
‘I haven’t done anything.’ The hurt tone of his voice makes us both laugh. Then I remember why we’re here and stop laughing, and fish my phone out. ‘It’s Gavin.’
‘Gavin?’ She frowns.
‘Gavin,’ I say, scrolling through until I find the profile pic of him. I hold the phone up; Gemma nods. ‘Gabe,’ I say, pointing to the name.
‘Gabe?’ Gemma looks from me to Noah. ‘Am I supposed to be following this?’
‘He’s been on Tinder.’ He pauses, Gemma still looks confused. ‘It’s a dating—’
‘I know what Tinder is, you idiot. What do you mean, he’s been on Tinder? Of course, he has!’ She frowns. ‘Though the Gabe bit is wrong.’
‘What do you mean, Gem? Of course, he has.’
‘That’s where Linda met him.’
Noah looks at me, as though he’s asking permission, so I nod. ‘That’s where Rosie met him. Recently.’
Gemma narrows her eyes. ‘What do you mean recently?’
‘As in around the time Linda was about to give birth.’
‘Let me just check I’ve got this straight. You,’ she inclines her head my way, ‘are on Tinder and chatted to Gavin, who called himself Gabe.’
‘More than chatted,’ I add glumly, ‘we arranged to meet. But he didn’t show!’ I add this as though it’s a p
ositive.
‘Linda probably went into labour,’ Gemma says, surprisingly calmly.
‘Wife in labour’ wasn’t one of the excuse scenarios that had run through my mind when I’d been running through possible reasons for his no-show. No wonder he ghosted me, he’d been too bloody busy shouting push and mopping her brow. I’d been thinking more along the lines of ‘my cat got stuck up a tree’, or ‘flat tyre’. Similar I suppose.
‘What are you going to do?’ Noah asks Gemma.
‘Do? Me?’ She frowns at him. ‘Why do I have to do anything? Why is it my problem and not yours, brother, darling? Honestly, talk about shifting responsibility.’
‘She’s your friend.’
‘He’s Dan’s friend. I’m going to tell Dan. He’s my husband,’ she explains to me.
I’m starting to feel a bit awkward. Soon everybody in the town will know about my disastrous non-dating experience. Well, everybody that Noah knows will. Still, this isn’t the time to worry about my huge embarrassment, this is about Linda, and Gavin-the-Gabe. And their children.
‘Maybe we shouldn’t,’ I blurt out, surprising even myself. ‘Mum protected me when I was little, and my dad cheated. I never knew and their children shouldn’t have to know, or suffer, or, maybe he’s only done it the once.’
‘He’s still got a profile up,’ Noah points out. Squeezing my hand.
‘I could tell him I know! I could threaten him, make him stop.’
‘And what if he just signs up somewhere else?’ Gemma chips in. ‘I know it’s not fair on the kids, but Linda’s a good mum, she’ll make sure they’re okay.’ She squeezes my other hand. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not your problem, but,’ she looks me in the eye, ‘she needs to know, doesn’t she? It’s up to her what decisions she makes, not us.’
‘Oh hell, I feel so responsible, this is partly my fault, if I hadn’t …’
The First Date Page 20