‘I am! I deserve better, and so do you, darling. You’ve put up with far too much crap over the years.’ I blink. ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry, I’ve never wanted to upset you.’
‘You’ve not, I don’t think, it’s just a bit of a shock. You never gave me any idea you were about to …’
‘Well you’re so busy, and then you’ve had the Robbie thing to deal with. I didn’t want to overload you. But it’s been coming for a while; I suppose I was just waiting for the final push. You know how hard it is to take that step, even if you know things aren’t right.’
I nod. I do. ‘I was almost relieved when Robbie said it was over, well I was when I’d got used to the idea. Oh Mum, what will you do?’ I was in a relationship for a lot shorter time than my parents, how on earth will Mum cope? How will she ever find anybody to share her life with?
‘Oh, don’t worry about me, Rosie. I’m fine.’ She grins, and winks at Bea, ‘I’ve found a man!’
‘Mum!’
‘Oh honestly, you don’t think I’m cut out to be a brave and battling single woman, do you? Now before you give me your judgemental look,’ I squeak an objection, ‘I didn’t find him until I knew about Serena. That really was the last straw.’
I feel slightly queasy. What is going to happen with Serena? ‘Is he going to?’ I bite down on my lip, not wanting to say the words out loud.
‘What?’
‘The baby.’ I am going to have a half-sibling. Dad is going to run off and take care of it. I am also going to have a new stepmother, who is younger than I am. Will a stiff drink make me feel better or worse right now?
‘Oh no, she lost the baby. She was so upset that he’d offered her money for an abortion, then devastated when she miscarried.’
‘Oh no, poor Serena,’ I say without thinking. ‘Sorry, I mean, I know …’
Mum smiles, it’s a sad smile. ‘No, you’re right, you lovely girl, it is poor Serena. I mean, I know she shouldn’t have slept with a married man, but I do feel sorry for her. It must have been awful; I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. That’s what they were arguing about in that photograph! She pushed him in a fountain. She’d gone to do the decent thing and let him know she’d lost their child and he was totally insensitive, said it was probably for the best or something like that.’
‘What?’ How could he say it was for the best? What kind of man does that? I could never imagine Noah saying anything like that. Although thinking back, things Dad didn’t approve of always went wrong ‘for the best’.
‘Poor girl.’ Mum shakes her head. ‘Oh, Rosie. Why did I never realise he was such a total hard-hearted bastard?’ I think that is a rhetorical question. ‘But it still shocked me that he could treat somebody else like that, so carelessly, somebody he’d slept with!’
Why, oh why didn’t I listen to Noah when he tried to show me what my father was really like? He could see him clearly; he could see beyond the father figure I’d always been desperate to love and look up to.
Love is blind, don’t they say? And a child’s love for their parent has to be the most innocent, pure, and easy to influence of the lot.
Not even Noah could have known he was actually this bad though.
I’d never realised quite how badly he’d treated me, the mental abuse he’d thrown at me – because I’d always thought he knew best. I’d always trusted him, believed in him. But it is nothing compared to the way he’s treated the girls he’s gone out with. He hasn’t cared about them at all. Maybe he hates women. Maybe he just doesn’t care about anybody but himself.
If I told Noah, he’d … I can’t tell Noah. He’s gone. There’s a yawning gap. I won’t be able to tell him anything ever again. He’ll never forgive me, because I said so much that wasn’t true. I hit out because it was easier to hit out at him than Dad. I’ve been a total idiot.
‘Did Dad really show you up, Mum?’
‘Oh yes, he was subtle mind you, nothing other people would pick up on. He’s very good at undermining your confidence.’ She gives me a knowing look.
‘He just more or less called me a slut,’ I say. Shown me up in front of Noah, in front of everybody listening. In fact, he used to do that when I was with Robbie. Little digs.
‘Well he had no right, you’re not, and even if you were, he shouldn’t do that! I’m sure your Noah put him in his place, didn’t he?’
‘Well he tried,’ I sigh, ‘and I told him to shut up.’
‘Oh Rosie.’ She hugs me again.
‘I didn’t want to … I hadn’t wanted to upset Dad, cause an atmosphere, you know.’
‘Oh, I know, that’s what he relies on!’
But why hadn’t I wanted to stand up to him, why, when I finally had somebody at my back who’d have looked after me?
It hits me. I’ve always felt a kind of comradery with Noah. We’ve been fighting together. Until for one moment I lapsed back into my old deeply ingrained habit of never standing up for myself and risk upsetting Dad.
I’ve let Noah down. I’ve let myself down.
‘Honestly the man is unbelievable.’ Mum shakes her head. ‘How he has the neck to do that, when all those girls are here! Heaven knows what he’ll call me then when he finds out about my new man!’ She giggles. ‘I am off for some fun with somebody much nicer!’
‘Where did you find this, er, man?’ Maybe I should have just come to Mum for help, rather than risking Noah’s attractions.
‘Don’t sound so surprised! I’m not completely over the hill. How old do you think I am? No, don’t say it!’
I am so glad Noah has gone otherwise he might be making a play for her. He thinks she’s cool, glam, wonderful – unlike her daughter. ‘Sure.’
‘I found him on a dating app! When I was at salsa.’
Since when was she at salsa? The other week it was rollerblading, now it’s sexy dancing. Who stole my real mother?
‘I got talking to this couple who found each other online; they gave me the details! Oh my God, it’s hilarious, you should see some of the men who sign up, they live in a complete fantasy world; honestly, how on earth they think any sane woman would be taken in! They must think we’re stupid!’ I inwardly cringe, at least I hope it’s inward. Maybe she’ll put my pink cheeks down to having too many cocktails. Which I undoubtedly have had. ‘You should try it, Rosie.’
Bea sniggers, so I shoot her the evil eye.
‘You’d be amazed at the interest I got and the number of men who were keen to help me with my judo.’
‘Mum, where are you finding time to do all this stuff?’ She gives me a blank look. ‘All the new hobbies.’
‘Oh that,’ she waves an airy hand, ‘well I don’t bother about your dad, and I’ve stopped washing and ironing his stuff, plus I’ve given up on cleaning the house.’ I glance round in alarm. ‘I get a cleaner in. I mean he can afford it. I don’t know why I didn’t do it earlier. I got to thinking about it, at yoga, all that lying about relaxing nonsense gives you plenty of time to think. I’m in my fifties still, not my bloody seventies, what am I doing wasting my life cleaning?’
‘Er …’
‘She kept a clean house isn’t what I want on my headstone; I’d prefer she led a dirty life to be honest. I think I’ve reached that age they talk about, when you couldn’t give a monkey’s what anybody else thinks.’
‘Right.’ My vocabulary has shrunk to almost non-existent. For somebody who makes a living out of books this is not good.
I can, however, see why my father was dazzled by my mother thirty years ago. I’m not sure she can actually be my biological mother, but she certainly is amazing. She’d make a great mate.
‘That’s why I decided that this would be our, sorry my, last party, and so I wanted to go out with a bang! Though I might be doing that with Art later as well.’ She winks.
‘What? Oh no, no don’t explain! Too much information,’ I shout as she makes an ‘oo’ face. ‘What kind of a name is Art?’
‘It means Bear man.’ She pulls the wi
de-eyes grinning kind of rude face you should never see on your mother. This party is going to remain with me for a very long time.
‘Oh God, why did I ask?’
‘He’s nice, a bit unconventional, but very nice.’
‘You are being careful, Mum?’ What if he’s a weirdo, or an axe murderer, or bigamist, or, oh my, what if he’s a swindler?
‘No, I’m not being at all careful. That’s the point. But you don’t honestly think I’m ready to shrivel up and die, do you? I’m not that old! Don’t you worry about me though; after living with your dad for so long I’m immune to smooth talkers. And Art isn’t some young boy preying on older women, not that I’m old.’
‘No way are you old!’ I’d forgotten Bea was there. She’s been quietly hanging on Mum’s every word. ‘Look, do you two mind if I go and grab another drink? This is kind of a mother-daughter thing, I feel a bit of a lemon.’
‘Oh, you’re not! You’re welcome to stay,’ Mum says, but Bea just smiles, blows me a kiss and sidles off with her phone in her hand.
‘Anyway, I’m not about to elope with Art, it’s just lovely to be with a man who’s interested. There’s life after a split after all! Your dad will be furious; he always used to be if anybody showed an interest in me. The slightest sign and he’d be there at my side, pulling faces!’ She sighs. ‘Such a hypocrite. But I believed in him, in us, believed we were meant to be, but,’ she brushes her hands together as though wiping him away, ‘we’re not. And if a man can still turn me on when he’s two hundred miles away … well he’s worth meeting, don’t you think?’
‘You haven’t met him yet?’ I feel faint. What if he lets her down? What if she’s ghosted like I was? What does she mean, turn her on from two hundred miles away? Exactly what kind of messages has my mother been swapping with this stranger?
‘Oh, good Lord, no. He lives in Cornwall! How do you think I’ve had time to meet him? And talking to him is one thing, but it would have been wrong to actually meet him, wouldn’t it?’
‘I suppose so. I can come with you if you like, when you meet him?’
She laughs and pats my hand. ‘I’ll be fine. Have I ever offered to come on a date with you?’
‘Well, no, but …’
‘Exactly.’
Noah has. It was nice having Noah around. I felt safe, secure. Happy. Maybe Mum needs a Noah.
‘All those years I chased your dad round the globe I was always on my own, darling. I’m used to it.’
‘Oh.’ I hadn’t ever really thought about what her life had involved. ‘It must have been lonely.’ Dad really is a shit.
‘It has been, but it’s made me remember how independent I used to be. Look Rosie, when life comes relatively easy, and I have to admit it has with me, the downs and failures hit you harder. Admitting to myself that something was wrong, that I’d failed at something has taken a long time to come to terms with. That’s why I’ve waited until now. I wasn’t waiting, I just hadn’t been prepared to give up. And I did love him.’ She stares at her hands.
‘He loved you too, Mum.’
‘I know. We were good together, when we were together.’ She pulls a wry smile. ‘I always got what I wanted I suppose; things went my way when I was younger. But I realised a while ago that I can’t change the way he is and how he treats me, but I can change the way I respond to it.’ She glances my way and raises a cheeky eyebrow. ‘I read that on the internet, one of these self-affirming wotsits.’
I grin back.
‘I let him do it to me, to us, Rosie. It was, is, my life and I gave him permission to hurt me. That’s the one thing I really hope you understand. People only do what you let them do.’
I nod. ‘Is this why I’m so rubbish at dating, Mum? All this, Dad and everything.’
‘Probably, darling.’ She hugs me. ‘But when you’re ready you’ll let somebody else in, and as long as you own who you are, then you’ll be fine. They can’t hurt you.’
All I can do is nod, feeling sad. Have I done the wrong thing with Noah, is that what Mum is telling me?
Well if I have, it’s too late now.
‘Right, let’s go and shake, shake, shake our booty!’
We do. And I feel slightly cheered up, but not much if I’m honest.
Has Mum just delivered the final lesson that Noah couldn’t? That I’ll be fine, whoever I’m with, whatever I’m doing, as long as I stick to my guns and live the life I want to.
I’m not her; any man I meet who flirts isn’t necessarily like Dad. But even if he is, I’m strong enough to know when to say no. To walk away.
To own my life.
Chapter 25
I have not heard from Noah for days. Three weeks, two days, and fourteen hours to be more precise. Not that I’m counting, or have it marked off on the calendar on my phone. Or seared into my brain.
Not that I expected him to get in touch. I just hoped. I just thought maybe there was a remote possibility that because he took his duties so seriously, he might insist I finished the course and send some worksheets, or at least get in touch to tell me I’d failed.
Okay. I’m crazy.
‘I am never going to suggest you write review comments about romance books again. This is just like when you did that bloody window display for Valentine’s Day!’ Bea rips up the little card I’d put in front of a pile of books and drops it in the bin with a flourish.
‘It’s not that bad.’ I say sulkily, straightening a pile of books.
‘“Not quite as unrealistic as a lot in its genre and with a great unexpected killer twist”, is not going to entice romcom readers to part with their money, is it? “And if you like predictable and as sweet and sickly as a kilo of fudge then this could be for you.” Really, Rosie?’
‘That was a joke. I didn’t actually put that one on the shelf.’
‘What is the matter with you, girl? You need to get out, get a flaming date, for heaven’s sake, and stop moping!’
‘I’m not moping.’
‘Yes, you are, you’re worse than when Robbie left, tons worse.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Go and try out your seduction skills, get laid and let go of some of that tension.’
‘I can’t!’
‘Get laid?’
‘Chat people up, flirt, whatever you want to call it!’
‘Oh, come on. What do you mean you can’t? Are you saying Noah did a crap job, that he didn’t teach you a single thing about seduction?’
‘No,’ I say sulkily.
‘This is about your dad, isn’t it?’ Her tone softens, and she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Your mum’s already moved on.’
Yeah, she has, to Cornwall to be precise. She’s had the locks changed at home – to make sure Dad can’t move back in undetected while she’s away, packed her new rucksack and buggered off to walk the Cornish Coast Path. I have already had reports of seals, King Arthur and the new tattoo on her left arse cheek. My mother is having more fun than I am.
‘It’s not my dad, all right? This is not about him. He’s old news.’
‘Oh.’ She pauses. ‘This is about Noah then, isn’t it!’
‘Can’t I just not want to date?’
‘And waste all that lovely new underwear?’
‘I’m quite happy without a man.’
‘Yeah, right, you’re totally happy without sex just like I’m totally happy when I cut out booze, or carbs, or breathing.’
‘You’re being silly now! Are we really expecting to sell this many copies of this book?’
‘Rosie!’ She’s losing patience. ‘Talk to me.’
I stop putting ‘signed by the author’ stickers on the pile of books and slam down the copy I’m holding. ‘Fine. You’re right. Okay?’ I hold my hands up. ‘The problem is Noah, totally Noah. He was a great teacher, brilliant, he taught me all the right moves and when I flirted with a guy when he had my back it went fine. I was sexy, and confident and all those frigging things that make people want to go out with yo
u, okay?’ The words are starting to catch in my throat. ‘If I go on a date and do all those things he told me to do, then it will just remind me of him, okay? And I don’t want to be reminded of him right now. I need some space.’
‘Oh.’ She pauses and frowns. ‘So the whole seduction lesson thing was a crap idea then, cos you can’t stand to do anything he taught you?’
‘Spot on. Totally crap idea.’ I suddenly feel exhausted. ‘It’s just a game, isn’t it? Dating? And some people are better at it than others.’
‘Oh Rosie, it’s not a competition, there’s no right or wrong way.’
‘Just right and wrong people. He scared me, Bea; for a moment there he felt like the right person, and he wasn’t.’
‘Maybe he’s not …’
‘He doesn’t believe in love, he thinks it’s terrible, will ruin his life.’
‘You could persuade him it’s not?’ she says, an optimistic lift to her voice.
‘Like Mum persuaded Dad?’ I fight to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
‘I don’t think your dad ever believed in love in the first place, Rosie. Noah did. He just lost faith in it. That makes him totally different! And like your mum said, people can only do what you let them do to you.’
If she wags her finger at me, I might have to grab it and bend it back.
‘I can’t change him. I don’t want to.’
‘But he might not be like you think! He’s already changed because of what happened to his friend, maybe he just needs help to change back to who he really is.’
‘I better finish sorting these books,’ I say softly.
‘I’ll go and get us a coffee, and some carbs, shall I?’
I look at the pile of books. I need a plan. I need something to take my mind off Noah, because it’s doing my head in, and whatever I said to Bea I’m just not into the whole idea of dating right now. I don’t want to be sitting opposite a man who isn’t Noah.
Which kind of sucks.
The First Date Page 25