LETTER XLI
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE FRIDAY, ONE O'CLOCK.
I have a letter from Mr. Lovelace, full of transports, vows, andpromises. I will send it to you enclosed. You'll see how 'he engagesin it for Lady Betty's protection, and for Miss Charlotte Montague'saccompanying me. I have nothing to do, but to persevere, he says, andprepare to receive the personal congratulations of his whole family.'
But you'll see how he presumes upon my being his, as the consequence ofthrowing myself into that lady's protection.
'The chariot and six is to be ready at the place he mentions. You'll seeas to the slur upon my reputation, about which I am so apprehensive, howboldly he argues.' Generously enough, indeed, were I to be his; and hadgiven him to believe that I would.--But that I have not done.
How one step brings on another with this encroaching sex; how soon ayoung creature, who gives a man the least encouragement, be carriedbeyond her intentions, and out of her own power! You would imagine, bywhat he writes, that I have given him reason to think that my aversionto Mr. Solmes is all owing to my favour for him.
The dreadful thing is, that comparing what he writes from hisintelligencer of what is designed against me (though he seems not toknow the threatened day) with what my aunt and Betty assure me of, therecan be no hope for me, but that I must be Solmes's wife, if I stay here.
I had better have gone to my uncle Antony's at this rate. I shouldhave gained time, at least, by it. This is the fruit of his finecontrivances!
'What we are to do, and how good he is to be: how I am to direct all hisfuture steps.' All this shews, as I said before, that he is sure of me.
However, I have replied to the following effect: 'That although I hadgiven him room to expect that I would put myself into the protectionof one of the ladies of his family; yet as I have three days to come,between this and Monday, and as I still hope that my friends willrelent, or that Mr. Solmes will give up a point they will findimpossible to carry; I shall not look upon myself as absolutely boundby the appointment: and expect therefore, if I recede, that I shall notagain be called to account for it by him. That I think it necessaryto acquaint him, that if my throwing myself upon Lady Betty Lawrance'sprotection, as he proposed, he understands, that I mean directly to putmyself into his power, he is very much mistaken: for that there are manypoint in which I must be satisfied; several matters to be adjusted, evenafter I have left this house, (if I do leave it,) before I can think ofgiving him any particular encouragement: that in the first place he mustexpect that I will do my utmost to procure my father's reconciliationand approbation of my future steps; and that I will govern myselfentirely by his commands, in every reasonable point, as much as if I hadnot left his house: that if he imagines I shall not reserve to myselfthis liberty, but that my withdrawing is to give him any advantageswhich he would not otherwise have had; I am determined to stay where Iam, and abide the event, in hopes that my friends will still acceptof my reiterated promise never to marry him, or any body else, withouttheir consent.
This I will deposit as soon as I can. And as he thinks things are neartheir crisis, I dare say it will not be long before I have an answer toit.
FRIDAY, FOUR O'CLOCK.
I am really ill. I was used to make the best of any little accidentsthat befel me, for fear of making my then affectionate friends uneasy:but now I shall make the worst of my indisposition, in hopes to obtain asuspension of the threatened evil of Wednesday next. And if I do obtainit, will postpone my appointment with Mr. Lovelace.
Betty has told them that I am very much indisposed. But I have no pityfrom any body.
I believe I am become the object of every one's aversion; and that theywould all be glad if I were dead. Indeed I believe it. 'What ails theperverse creature?' cries one:--'Is she love-sick?' another.
I was in the ivy summer-house, and came out shivering with cold, asif aguishly affected. Betty observed this, and reported it.--'O nomatter!--Let her shiver on!--Cold cannot hurt her. Obstinacy will defendher from harm. Perverseness is a bracer to a love-sick girl, and moreeffectual than the cold bath to make hardy, although the constitution beever so tender.'
This was said by a cruel brother, and heard said by the dearer friendsof one, for whom, but a few months ago, every body was apprehensive atthe least blast of wind to which she exposed herself!
Betty, it must be owned, has an admirable memory on these occasions.Nothing of this nature is lost by her repetition: even the very air withwhich she repeats what she hears said, renders it unnecessary to ask,who spoke this or that severe thing.
FRIDAY, SIX O'CLOCK.
My aunt, who again stays all night, just left me. She came to tell methe result of my friends' deliberations about me. It is this:
Next Wednesday morning they are all to be assembled: to wit, my father,mother, my uncles, herself, and my uncle Hervey; my brother and sisterof course: my good Mrs. Norton is likewise to be admitted: and Dr. Lewenis to be at hand, to exhort me, it seems, if there be occasion: but myaunt is not certain whether he is to be among them, or to tarry tillcalled in.
When this awful court is assembled, the poor prisoner is to be broughtin, supported by Mrs. Norton; who is to be first tutored to instruct mein the duty of a child; which it seems I have forgotten.
Nor is the success at all doubted, my aunt says: since it is notbelieved that I can be hardened enough to withstand the expostulationsof so venerable a judicature, although I have withstood those of severalof them separately. And still the less, as she hints at extraordinarycondescensions from my father. But what condescensions, even from myfather, can induce me to make such a sacrifice as is expected from me?
Yet my spirits will never bear up, I doubt, at such a tribunal--myfather presiding in it.
Indeed I expected that my trials would not be at an end till he hadadmitted me into his awful presence.
What is hoped from me, she says, is, that I will cheerfully, on Tuesdaynight, if not before, sign the articles; and so turn the succeedingday's solemn convention into a day of festivity. I am to have thelicense sent me up, however, and once more the settlements, that I maysee how much in earnest they are.
She further hinted, that my father himself would bring up thesettlements for me to sign.
O my dear! what a trial will this be!--How shall I be able to refuse myfather the writing of my name?--To my father, from whose presence Ihave been so long banished!--He commanding and entreating, perhaps, in abreath!--How shall I be able to refuse this to my father?
They are sure, she says, something is working on Mr. Lovelace's part,and perhaps on mine: and my father would sooner follow to the grave,than see me his wife.
I said, I was not well: that the very apprehensions of these trials werealready insupportable to me; and would increase upon me, as the timeapproached; and I was afraid I should be extremely ill.
They had prepared themselves for such an artifice as that, was my aunt'sunkind word; and she could assure me, it would stand me in no stead.
Artifice! repeated I: and this from my aunt Hervey?
Why, my dear, said she, do you think people are fools?--Can they not seehow dismally you endeavour to sigh yourself down within-doors?--How youhang down your sweet face [those were the words she was pleased to use]upon your bosom?--How you totter, as it were, and hold by this chair,and by that door post, when you know that any body sees you? [This, mydear Miss Howe, is an aspersion to fasten hypocrisy and contempt uponme: my brother's or sister's aspersion!--I am not capable of arts solow.] But the moment you are down with your poultry, or advancing uponyour garden-walk, and, as you imagine, out of every body's sight, it isseem how nimbly you trip along; and what an alertness governs all yourmotions.
I should hate myself, said I, were I capable of such poor artifices asthese. I must be a fool to use them, as well as a mean creature; forhave I not had experience enough, that my friends are incapable of beingmoved in much more affecting instances?--But you'll see how I shall beby Tuesday.
My dear, you will not offer any violence to your health?--I hope, Godhas given you more grace than to do that.
I hope he has, Madam. But there is violence enough offered, andthreatened, to affect my health; and so it will be found, without myneeding to have recourse to any other, or to artifice either.
I'll only tell you one thing, my dear: and that is, ill or well, theceremony will probably be performed before Wednesday night:--but this,also, I will tell you, although beyond my present commission, That Mr.Solmes will be under an engagement (if you should require it of him asa favour) after the ceremony is passed, and Lovelace's hopes therebyutterly extinguished, to leave you at your father's, and return to hisown house every evening, until you are brought to a full sense of yourduty, and consent to acknowledge your change of name.
There was no opening of my lips to such a speech as this. I was dumb.
And these, my dear Miss Howe, are they who, some of them at least, havecalled me a romantic girl!--This is my chimerical brother, and wisesister; both joining their heads together, I dare say. And yet, my aunttold me, that the last part was what took in my mother: who had, tillthat last expedient was found out, insisted, that her child should notbe married, if, through grief or opposition, she should be ill, or fallinto fits.
This intended violence my aunt often excused, by the certain informationthey pretended to have, of some plots or machinations, that wereready to break out, from Mr. Lovelace:* the effects of which were thuscunningly to be frustrated.
* It may not be amiss to observe in this place, that Mr. Lovelace artfully contrived to drive the family on, by permitting his and their agent Leman to report machinations, which he had neither intention nor power to execute.
FRIDAY, NINE O'CLOCK.
And now, my dear, what shall I conclude upon? You see howdetermined--But how can I expect your advice will come time enoughto stand me in any stead? For here I have been down, and already haveanother letter from Mr. Lovelace [the man lives upon the spot, I think:]and I must write to him, either that I will or will not stand to myfirst resolution of escaping hence on Monday next. If I let him knowthat I will not, (appearances so strong against him and for Solmes, evenstronger than when I made the appointment,) will it not be justly deemedmy own fault, if I am compelled to marry their odious man? And if anymischief ensue from Mr. Lovelace's rage and disappointment, will it notlie at my door?--Yet, he offers so fair!--Yet, on the other hand, toincur the censure of the world, as a giddy creature--but that, as hehints, I have already incurred--What can I do?--Oh! that my cousinMorden--But what signifies wishing?
I will here give you the substance of Mr. Lovelace's letter. The letteritself I will send, when I have answered it; but that I will defer doingas long as I can, in hopes of finding reason to retract an appointmenton which so much depends. And yet it is necessary you should have allbefore you as I go along, that you may be the better able to advise mein this dreadful crisis.
'He begs my pardon for writing with so much assurance; attributing it tohis unbounded transport; and entirely acquiesces to me in my will. He isfull of alternatives and proposals. He offers to attend me directly toLady Betty's; or, if I had rather, to my own estate; and that my LordM. shall protect me there.' [He knows not, my dear, my reasons forrejecting this inconsiderate advice.] 'In either case, as soon as hesees me safe, he will go up to London, or whither I please; and notcome near me, but by my own permission; and till I am satisfied in everything I am doubtful of, as well with regard to his reformation, as tosettlements, &c.
'To conduct me to you, my dear, is another of his proposals, notdoubting, he says, but your mother will receive me:* or, if that be notagreeable to you, or to your mother, or to me, he will put me into Mr.Hickman's protection; whom, no doubt he says, you can influence; andthat it may be given out, that I have gone to Bath, or Bristol, orabroad; wherever I please.
* See Note in Letter V. of this Volume.
'Again, if it be more agreeable, he proposes to attend me privately toLondon, where he will procure handsome lodgings for me, and both hiscousins Montague to receive me in them, and to accompany me tillall shall be adjusted to my mind; and till a reconciliation shallbe effected; which he assures me nothing shall be wanting in him tofacilitate, greatly as he has been insulted by all my family.
'These several measures he proposes to my choice; as it was unlikely,he says, that he could procure, in the time, a letter from Lady Betty,under her own hand, to invite me in form to her house, unless hehad been himself to go to that lady for it; which, at this criticaljuncture, while he is attending my commands, is impossible.
'He conjures me, in the most solemn manner, if I would not throw himinto utter despair, to keep to my appointment.
'However, instead of threatening my relations, or Solmes, if I recede,he respectfully says, that he doubts not, but that, if I do, it will beupon the reason, as he ought to be satisfied with; upon no slighter,he hopes, than their leaving me at full liberty to pursue my owninclinations: in which (whatever they shall be) he will entirelyacquiesce; only endeavouring to make his future good behaviour the soleground for his expectation of my favour.
'In short, he solemnly vows, that his whole view, at present, is to freeme from my imprisonment; and to restore me to my future happiness. Hedeclares, that neither the hopes he has of my future favour, nor theconsideration of his own and his family's honour, will permit him topropose any thing that shall be inconsistent with my own most scrupulousnotions: and, for my mind's sake, should choose to have the proposed endobtained by my friends declining to compel me. But that nevertheless, asto the world's opinion, it is impossible to imagine that the behaviourof my relations to me has not already brought upon my family thosefree censures which they deserve, and caused the step which I am soscrupulous about taking, to be no other than the natural and expectedconsequence of their treatment of me.'
Indeed, I am afraid all this is true: and it is owing to some littledegree of politeness, that Mr. Lovelace does not say all he might onthis subject: for I have no doubt that I am the talk, and perhaps thebye-word of half the county. If so, I am afraid I can now do nothingthat will give me more disgrace than I have already so causelesslyreceived by their indiscreet persecutions: and let me be whose Iwill, and do what I will, I shall never wipe off the stain which myconfinement, and the rigorous usage I have received, have fixed upon me;at least in my own opinion.
I wish, if ever I am to be considered as one of the eminent family thisman is allied to, some of them do not think the worse of me for thedisgrace I have received. In that case, perhaps, I shall be obliged tohim, if he do not. You see how much this harsh, this cruel treatmentfrom my own family has humbled me! But perhaps I was too much exaltedbefore.
Mr. Lovelace concludes, 'with repeatedly begging an interview with me;and that, this night, if possible: an hour, he says, he is the moreencouraged to solicit for, as I had twice before made him hope for it.But whether he obtain it or not, he beseeches me to choose one of thealternatives he offers to my acceptance; and not to depart from myresolution of escaping on Monday, unless the reason ceases on which Ihad taken it up; and that I have a prospect of being restored tothe favour of my friends; at least to my own liberty, and freedom ofchoice.'
He renews all his vows and promises on this head in so earnest and sosolemn a manner, that (his own interest, and his family's honour, andtheir favour for me, co-operating) I can have no room to doubt of hissincerity.
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 2 Page 44