She lied to you, just like your mother lied to you. Just like your adoptive father lied to you. Just like Sarah lied when she said she would always be there to support you.
He swallowed back the swirling dark thoughts. He and Monroe were adults, and he wasn’t going to let this devolve into a finger-pointing match. The truth needed to be aired and then after that he would figure out how to proceed.
He would be cool and calm and he would not let her see how much it hurt.
“Honestly, at first I felt like it was none of your business. Not in a bad way, but more like…it didn’t even occur to me that I should tell you. We were pretending to be together for selfish reasons and my past didn’t factor into that.” Her lip quivered, but she drew her shoulders back and met his gaze without wavering. “Then after we started being more than a fake relationship I was scared, honestly.”
“Why?”
“Because I had started to feel things for you. I worried that if I told you I was still married and that I’d kept that information from you, it would drive you away. I was worried you’d think I was just another person who’d lied to you.”
“You are just another person who’s lied to me.”
Monroe winced. “I know. I’m very sorry about that, Ethan. I know what it feels like to be in the dark. The fact that I’ve done the same thing to you makes me feel incredibly guilty.”
Tears sparkled in her eyes and despite his pain, Ethan believed she was telling the truth. Monroe was a good person. Anybody could see that. And underneath her tough exterior there was a very tender heart bearing a lot of scars. Her confidence had been shaken to its core. God, her world had been shaken to its core.
And he knew a thing or two about that.
“I don’t love him anymore,” she said fiercely, almost sloshing some of her tea over the edge of the mug. “I did love him at one point and I think that made me blind to who he was, because I was young and he was the only man I’d been with. But him leaving me was a good thing, even though it caused my family and me a lot of pain. There’s nothing left in my heart for him.”
Ethan didn’t quite understand the rush of relief that flooded through him. He wasn’t supposed to care about any of this. He wasn’t supposed to feel a bloody thing.
“I wish you’d given me a chance to understand, Monroe,” he said, raking a hand through his hair. “I understand there’s a big difference between a legal technicality and a real-life marriage. It’s not like you’d seen him in years and if you believed you were divorced, then that would have been all I needed to know on the situation.”
“I know, I know.” She shook her head. “It was stupid not to say anything but…”
“But?”
“That afternoon when we were laying here on the couch,” she said, pausing to bite down on her lip as a tear plopped onto her cheek. She shook her head and let her gaze drift over to the window for a second as she gathered herself. “I was wondering why the thought of telling you was so damn scary. Because being scared meant I felt like there was something to lose and how can you have something to lose in a fake relationship?”
She’d voiced the very problem swirling around his head. A problem for which he did not have a solution.
“And I do feel like I have something to lose.” She set her mug down and knotted her hands in her lap. “I do feel like there’s something here that isn’t fake. I mean, I lied to you about something huge and you still stood up for me in front of my ex. I get a buzz every day that I know you’re coming over after work. I think about you during the day, I plan the things we’re going to have for dinner. I wonder about how you’re going to touch me when we go to bed.”
Ethan felt a deep push and pull inside him. Because he experienced all those things, too—thoughts of Monroe’s cooking and her smile and her body and her laugh kept him going through a day of work at the inn. When he walked through her front door it was the closest thing he felt to coming home ever since he’d found out the truth about his father.
She centered him. Grounded him. Made him feel like maybe he could build a life again.
But he wasn’t sure that was what he needed in his life right now. It was a commitment he wasn’t sure he could honor, a prize he didn’t think was his to claim.
“Ethan, I’m so sorry.” Monroe brushed the tear away with the back of her hand, blinking so that no more followed. She squared her shoulders, warrior-like, ready to face the consequences of her actions. “I should have been up front about my situation. It was a cowardly thing to do and I promise that’s not the kind of person I am usually.”
“I know,” he said softly, nodding.
“My mom and dad raised me better than to lie.” She let out a harsh laugh. “They also probably raised me better than to drag my heels on contacting the lawyer simply because I hate being told what to do.”
“Frankly, after meeting the guy, I understand why you did it. That is an arrogant bastard if I’ve ever met one.” Ethan wrinkled his nose and Monroe let out a watery laugh. “First he cheats on you, then he wants to bully you into jumping when he says so? Uh no, that’s not how it works.”
“Truth.” She let out a sigh. “I know it needs to be done, of course. I don’t want to stay married to him. But during the divorce I was so…”
She twisted her face into a look of pure disgust.
“I don’t think I realized how bad it was at the time because I was still in shock, but he demeaned me every chance he got. He’d say things in front of the lawyers to embarrass me so I’d clam up and stop arguing with him.” She shook her head. “I had no voice then. I didn’t know how to stick up for myself.”
“You do now.”
“Yes, but it makes me shut people out,” she admitted. “I think I went too far in the other direction. To think I lied to you even after we were sleeping together…”
She looked like she was in emotional agony and Ethan gripped the edge of the chair, forcing himself not to go to her. “As much as I would have preferred you tell me the truth, I don’t think you’re a terrible person because you lied to me. I understand why.”
She looked up. “Really?”
“Really.” He nodded.
“I appreciate that not many people would be so understanding. I won’t take it for granted, though,” she said with an almost shy smile. “Lesson learned.”
“That’s my girl.”
Her breath stuttered. “Is that true? Am I still your girl?”
Was Monroe ever his? This wasn’t a line they’d talked about, and it certainly wasn’t something either of them had wanted at first. Was Ethan even sure he wanted it now? All he knew for certain was that the roaring urge to wipe away the stress on Monroe’s face was stronger than anything else in his body right now. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a new label, but he was willing to admit that they could drop the fake one.
If only life were black and white. Ethan hated the murky gray, but that was exactly where he’d planted his feet.
“Why don’t we worry about what to call it later?” he said, pushing up from his chair and holding his arm out. Monroe came to him quickly, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face against his chest. “For now, we can say that I forgive you.”
“I still want to make it up to you,” she said, tilting her face up and letting some of her usual cheekiness shine through. “Let me show you how sorry I am.”
The saucy tone of her voice sent something hot and needy through him. It was like a spear of lust, driving through his body and laying a blanket of quiet over the rest of his emotions. He had no idea how to feel on the inside. But one thing that couldn’t be denied was how much holding her felt right.
“You ready to do a little groveling?” he asked, his voice turning smoky.
“Sure am.” She intertwined her fingers with his and pulled him toward her bedroom. “And don’t go easy on me,
either.”
Ethan chuckled, unable to stop himself following. Whatever might come tomorrow, tonight he was going to free himself of the burden of trying to figure everything out. Tonight, he only wanted to feel the good things.
Chapter Nineteen
When Monroe woke the next morning she felt like she’d been born a new woman. Maybe it was because there were no more secrets to carry on her shoulders—or maybe it was because she’d started to see what was important in life again.
Ethan had to leave early, because he was supposed to be on site to take delivery of something for the inn. Monroe kissed him goodbye at the door, lingering until the very last moment when he laughed and jogged down the stairs, stopping every few steps to look back at her.
When she closed the door, she leaned back against it with a sigh. Restlessness filled her entire body and it felt like she was almost vibrating with it. A day off stretched ahead of her. Usually on her day off, she would still check in with the diner—sad, right? Or she’d pop by and visit her dad or go to Loren’s and pay a visit to her nieces.
She never did anything just for herself because…well, what was the point?
The day she found out about the affair, she’d stopped living for herself. She’d allowed her sadness and regret to overwhelm her to the point that her life wasn’t really her own anymore. That she had no direction or drive or thirst for achievement.
She wandered into the kitchen and found herself crouching down in front of her small appliance cupboard. Maybe she could bake something for her dad? He loved chocolate cake, especially if she made a berry compote to go with it. Pulling out the pans and bowls and other tools, she felt the restlessness ease out of her body. It was almost like she went into a state of meditation when she baked—her mind and body found a flow that ignored time so she could lose herself in the process for hours on end.
Monroe set about making some rich, chocolate cake batter with a touch of coffee and cardamom, which had been her signature cake back in the day and the one that had scored her a place on Sugar Coated. Then she made a ganache and a chocolate Swiss buttercream to go between the layers, along with the berry compote her father loved. After the cakes cooled, she carefully put it all together—piping the buttercream between each perfect layer in circles like a bullseye, filling the gaps with the compote.
On top, she drizzled the warm ganache, letting it spread and drip over the edge until it hardened into a perfect dripped design. She piped the last of the buttercream in soft, artful peaks around the edge of the cake and shaved a little chocolate over the top and stuck some berries in the middle for good measure.
Then, boxing everything up, she went to visit her father.
When Olly Roberts opened the door, a huge smile lit his face. “This is a nice surprise!”
“Me or the cake?” She laughed. Luckily, she’d easily found the cake carrier she used for whenever she did baking for her sisters’ life occasions, like Taylor’s engagement or Harlow’s first birthday a few months back.
“The cake, of course. It’s never a surprise that you come to take care of your father, because you’re so good like that.” He held the door open for her and she leaned in to brush a kiss against his whiskery cheek as she walked past.
Olly was using his walking stick today and she saw the AFO propped up by the door. “Having some trouble with the brace again?”
“We’re still adjusting the fit of this one. It’s rubbing in one spot and giving me a blister, so I’ve got to go and see the specialist again to see what they can do about it.”
“I’ll take you,” Monroe offered automatically.
“No need, Taylor has already taken the day off work. It’s about time that stopped falling only to you.”
“You know I’m happy to help.” Monroe walked into the kitchen and set the cake down on the countertop, carefully unclipping the lid and sliding it off to reveal the treat inside.
His smile grew even wider. “I’ll put the coffeepot on so we can have a slice together. Do you have time to stay?”
“Sure.”
The two of them worked quietly together, Monroe slicing the cake up and her father making coffee. Eventually they sat at the table, her father’s walking stick resting next to him, two very generous slices of chocolate cake in front of them.
“You know, I almost feel a little guilty every time I eat one of your creations,” her father said.
“I’m not going to claim they’re healthy,” she replied. “But everything in moderation, right?”
“No, not everything.” Her father drove his fork into the fluffy slice and carved a bit off the end. “Ambition, excitement, love…those things should never be in moderation.”
“You don’t think?” Monroe pondered the thought for a second. “You don’t think it’s possible to dream too big?”
Her father chewed, momentarily lost in the joy of the dessert. When he came back down to earth, he reached out for his daughter’s hand. “I know what you’re really asking, Monroe.”
“You do?” She wasn’t even sure she knew exactly what she was asking—but her father must have picked up on the messy swirl of things in her head. Her responsibility to Jacob and the people at the Sunshine Diner, her messy feelings for Ethan, the slow return of her joy for baking.
“You want to know what happens if you achieve everything you set out to achieve.” He speared a raspberry with his fork. “When you’ve climbed to the top of one ladder, the only way is down right?”
Huh. Yeah, Monroe guessed that she did think that in the back of her mind. If you shot for the moon and actually made connection, what then?
“Wrong,” he said, before she had a chance to open her mouth. He punctuated the word with a thrust of his fork in Monroe’s direction. “You find another ladder. There is always more to learn, more to conquer. You think I would have gotten bored with your mother if she had still been alive? We could have had fifty years of marriage and never grown bored with one another, because there is always more to explore.”
Monroe smiled. She loved how passionate her father was. How open he was about his love for his daughters and his late wife. And while Olly might have grown up a dirt-under-the-nails kinda guy, he was never short on expressing his feelings, even the mushy ones. She could see that influence in all of them—in Loren’s fierce mama bear tendencies and Taylor’s desire to always speak up when she thought it might help people.
And Monroe could see it in herself, too. In her responsibility to the people around her and to this town. At one point, she’d seen it in her passion for her creative process and her drive to push herself to be the best she could be at her chosen craft.
“I feel like I’ve stalled these last couple of years,” Monroe admitted.
“You have. But everybody needs time to find themselves after a curveball like that. You thought your life was one thing and it turned out to be something else. That hurts.”
“Yeah, it does.” She bobbed her head. “But I’ve also been wallowing. I guess self-pity is one of those things that should have a limit and maybe I overindulged.”
“Now you know.” Her father shrugged. “And you can move on.”
“I don’t know where to move on to.” She stared at the cake, looking at the perfectly even layers. She could still hear the judges’ voices in her head.
An exceptional talent for flavor and texture…big things ahead…you can do anything.
But could she? What if she tried again and it all came crumbling down around her a second time?
“Yes, you do.” Her father carved off another forkful of the cake. “In your heart you know exactly what you want.”
Monroe might have been expecting an image of a bakery or a kitchen to flash across her mind, but instead she got something else entirely. Ethan’s face flickered, his smile. His blue eyes. She felt warm on the inside, intuition glowing bright and strong.<
br />
He was what she wanted.
Not the only thing, because no person’s life should only ever be about their partner and nothing else. But right now, with everything that was going on, he was the thing she wanted most. Not a fake relationship, but a real one.
A forever one.
It felt scary to even think about saying it out loud, but…
You told him about the divorce mix-up and you shared what happened to you after the affair. If you can do that, you can tell him this.
The way they’d left things last night was open, to say the least. She’d edged toward the discussion about labeling what they had and Ethan had shied away. Was that because he was still processing her marital situation? Or because of something else?
All Monroe knew was that there was one thing in her control right now, and that was the next step she took.
“Sorry, Dad. I have to make a quick phone call.” She pushed back on the chair and bent down to kiss her father on the cheek. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Her father knew better than to ask, so he simply shrugged and reached for his coffee, more than happy to be left alone with his treat. Monroe pulled her phone out of her purse and quickly looked up the name of the law firm who’d been in contact with her about the divorce. Getting this finalized was no longer about Brendan’s desires, but about her own. About doing what she needed to do to move on with her life and start being active, rather than passive.
It was about a clean slate. A chance to start fresh.
And as soon as Ethan was done with his day, she was going to tell him that she wanted that fresh start with him.
…
Ethan spent the morning working around the inn. Lottie had ordered a new stove for the kitchen, and while that was being installed Ethan had continued to refinish the railing and balustrades of the staircase. It was fiddly work, but he enjoyed it because it allowed his mind to wander.
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