Denying anger does not make it go away. Internalized anger, whether admitted or not, will have its destructive effect upon the body and psyche of the angry individual. The anger will grow until denial is no longer possible.
But even more than denial, withdrawal is the central strategy of the people who struggle with implosive anger. While admitting anger to themselves and others, they withdraw from the person or situation that stirred up the anger. The idea is not denial—but distance. If I can stay away from the person or at least not talk to him when I am with him, perhaps my anger will diminish with time, the angry individual reassures herself. If the offending person notices the silent withdrawal and asks, “Is something wrong?” the withdrawer will respond, “No. What makes you think something’s wrong?” If the person pursues the issue by saying, “Well, you’ve been quieter than usual. You haven’t asked me about my day and you haven’t said anything about yours,” the withdrawer may respond, “I’m just tired. I had a hard day,” as she walks out of the room.
HOW IMPLOSION DESTROYS
This “silent treatment,” the withdrawal and avoidance, may last for a day or for years. The longer it continues, the more certain it is that resentment and bitterness will grow and fester.
Often this internalized anger will express itself in what the psychologists call passive-aggressive behavior. The person is passive on the outside, trying to give the appearance that nothing is bothering him, but eventually the anger emerges in other ways, such as failure to comply with a request the other person makes.
Andy, for example, was exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior toward his wife, Rachel. He was angry with Rachel because she expressed no interest in sexual intimacy. Though Andy refused to discuss the matter openly with Rachel, when she asked him to help with the kids’ baths, he simply continued checking his emails, not even acknowledging her request. When she asked him to please wash some windows on Saturday, he planned an outing with his son. Most of the time Andy was not even fully conscious of what he was doing in his anger, but he was still getting back at her.
And what about Rachel? Her lack of interest in sexual intimacy also could have been a passive-aggressive act. She might have been storing her own anger toward Andy because he had failed to spend quality time with her. She would not discuss the issue that sparked her anger, but her anger had gone underground—but still showed itself in her behavior.
And so the passive-aggressive pattern begins a vicious cycle. Unless this destructive cycle is broken, it is only a matter of time until their marriage implodes.
The person dealing with internal anger may also redirect that anger. The individual redirects his or her angry feelings away from the person or situation that sparked the anger and toward another person or object. We are all familiar with the man who is angry with his boss but fears confronting the boss and chooses rather to come home, kick the cat, curse the children, and be verbally rude to his wife. This misplaced anger simply arouses more anger in the people who are abused and does nothing to deal with the situation that provoked the original anger.
This suppression of anger, holding anger inside, will eventually lead to physiological and psychological stress. There is a growing body of research that shows a positive correlation between suppressed anger and hypertension, colitis, migraine headaches, and heart disease.2 However, the more pronounced results of suppressing anger are found in its impact upon one’s psychological or emotional health. Internalized anger eventually leads to resentment, bitterness, and often hatred. All of these are explicitly condemned in Scripture and are viewed as sinful responses to anger.
A third characteristic of implosive anger is brooding over the events that stimulated the anger. In the person’s mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over like a videotape. He sees the other person’s facial expression; he hears the person’s words; he senses his spirit; he relives the events that stimulated the angry emotions. He replays the psychological audiotapes of his own analysis of the situation.
How could he be so ungrateful? Look at the number of years I’ve put into the company. He’s only been here five years. He has no idea what’s going on. If he knew how important I am to the company, he wouldn’t treat me this way. I feel like resigning and letting him suffer. Or I feel like appealing to the board and getting him fired.
On and on the tapes play as one wallows in his or her anger. The difficulty is that the tapes play only in the person’s head. The anger is never processed with the person involved or with a counselor or trusted friend. The anger is developing into resentment and bitterness. If the process is not interrupted, the person will eventually experience an implosion in the form of an emotional breakdown, depression, or in some cases, suicide.
However, for a growing number of these people who are internalizing anger, the end result will be not an implosion but an explosion. In their desperate emotional state, they will commit some act of violence toward the person who wronged them. This is seen over and over again on the nightly news when the employee who was fired nine months ago walks in and shoots the supervisor who fired him. At the age of fifteen the abused child murders her parents. The mousy husband turns on his wife and destroys her life. Neighbors are always shocked by such events, saying to the reporter, “He seemed like such a nice man. I can’t believe that he would do such a thing.” What the neighbor could not observe was the internalized anger that had been fed by brooding over a long period of time.
It should be obvious that implosive anger is fully as destructive as explosive anger. That is why the Scriptures always warn against internalizing anger. The apostle Paul admonished, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26–27 NIV).
Clearly, Paul instructed that we are to process anger quickly, not allowing it to linger inside beyond sunset. I suppose that if we got angry after dark, he would give us till midnight, but the principle is that anger is not to be held inside; in fact, to do so is to give the Devil a foothold. That is, we are cooperating with Satan and setting ourselves up to sin even further. The apostle further challenged us to rid ourselves of anger. (See Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8.) This is not an indication that anger itself is a sin; it is an indication that to allow anger to live inside is sinful.
Solomon warned that “anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9 NIV). The key word is resides; the fool lets the anger abide in him. The implication is that those who are wise will see that anger is quickly removed. Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident, in the human heart.
All of us experience anger for the reasons noted in earlier chapters. But holding anger inside by denying, withdrawing, and brooding is not the Christian response to anger. In fact, to do so is to violate the clear teachings of Scripture. Bitterness is the result of stored anger, and the Bible warns us against bitterness. (For example, see Acts 8:23; Romans 3:14; Hebrews 12:15.)
WATCH OUT FOR HATE
In the course of counseling through the years, I have heard teenagers say, “I hate my father.” Almost always, such a statement is tied to a series of perceived wrongs committed by the father. The teenager has internalized the hurt and anger and has developed resentment, bitterness, and now hatred toward the father. I have also heard more than one wife say, “I hate my husband,” and I’ve heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual.
Eventually the emotions of hurt from the internalized anger can harden into bitterness and even hatred. Almost always, those who hate wish ill upon the person at whom they are angry. Sometimes they end up perpetrating this ill themselves (as we noted in the examples above). The internalized anger erupts for all the world to observe.
When someone wreaks evil upon the individual who wronged them, he has usurped the prerogative of God. The Scriptures say, “Vengea
nce is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19 KJV). When we seek to impose judgment upon those who have wronged us, we will inevitably make things worse.
HOW TO DEFUSE IMPLOSIVE ANGER
What positive steps can one take to defuse implosive anger? First, admit the tendency to yourself: “It’s true; I hold my anger inside. I find it very difficult to share with others that I am feeling angry. I know I am hurting myself by doing this.” These are the statements that lead to help. Second, reveal your problem to a trusted friend or family member. Telling someone else and asking for their advice may help you decide whether you should confront the person or persons with whom you are angry. Perhaps you will choose to “let the offense go,” but at least this will be a conscious choice, and you can release your anger. If the person to whom you disclose your anger is unable to give you the help you need, then look for a pastor or counselor who can. Don’t continue the destructive response of internalizing anger.
Perhaps you know a friend who seems to be harboring anger inside. Why not take the risk of helping him or her? You might begin, “I could be wrong, but I genuinely care about you, and that is why I am asking this question. Could it be that you are angry with someone and are holding it all inside? If I’m wrong, just tell me. But if it’s true, I would like to help you process it. I know it isn’t good to hold anger inside. Would you like to talk about it?”
Yes, you are running a risk by asking such questions. The person may tell you it is none of your business. On the other hand, your friend may open up, and your probing will be the first step in bringing his problem to the surface. If you are not able to help him further, then point the person to someone who can. A true friend does not sit silently and watch the self-destruction of a neighbor.
The clear challenge of Scripture is that we learn to process anger in a positive, loving manner rather than by explosion or implosion. The practice of explosive anger and implosive anger is not only highly destructive to the individual who is so handling anger but to everyone involved, including the community at large. Neither of these responses to anger can be accepted as appropriate in the life of a Christian. If you recognize either of these patterns in your own response to anger, I urge you to talk with a pastor, a counselor, or a friend; share with someone your struggle with these destructive patterns. You cannot reach your potential for God and good in the world if you continue to respond to your anger either by explosion or implosion.
That brings us to the next issue in handling our anger: What about the person who has been wronged for a lifetime and has stored the anger inside and has become an angry, resentful person? In the next chapter we address that question.
QUICK TAKES
ARE YOU IN DANGER OF “IMPLODING”?
Definition: “Implosive” anger is internalized anger that is never expressed.
Sparked by: Fear of confrontation; belief that feeling or expressing anger is wrong.
How to recognize: Person denies that he or she is angry; responds by withdrawing; says things like, “I’m not angry, but I’m disappointed.”
Results: Physiological and psychological stress; “passive-aggressive” behavior; can lead to resentment, bitterness, and even hatred and violence.
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
MARCUS AURELIUS
THE ANGER THAT LASTS FOR YEARS
Mike was a mild-mannered, extremely successful physician. Yet his wife, Julie, had a major complaint. For the last year, he had been snapping at her and their boys for “every little thing,” she said.
“I’m tired of it,” she told me. “I don’t know what is going on inside of him, but I know that it’s not good for me and the boys to continue to hear his complaints. Nothing we do pleases him.”
She explained that the early years of their marriage were great; Mike was very loving and caring. He seldom made a critical remark. But about two years ago he began to change, and Julie reported, “It’s gotten worse over the last year.” I asked what might have happened two years ago to affect Mike.
“Nothing I can think of,” Julie replied. “His mother did die about that time, but she had been in a nursing home for four years and for the last year hardly knew who Mike was, so I don’t think her death would have anything to do with this.”
“HE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST THE SPARK”
“Is there anything else about your relationship that bothers you?” I asked.
“Mike seems to have lost his enthusiasm for life,” she said. “He used to be so excited about his work and the family. He was always planning things for us to do. He rarely does that anymore. He seems to have lost the spark that used to be there.”
At the conclusion of our session, I recommended that Mike come alone for the next session, and after that I’d like to see both of them together. Julie agreed.
Two weeks later when Mike and I got together, I briefly described Julie’s visit and my desire to see him privately to get his perception of what was going on. “Then, if both of you are willing, I’d like to see the two of you together.”
“Fine,” Mike said. “I know that we’ve got some problems, and we need to deal with them.”
“As you look at the earlier years of your marriage to Julie, how would you characterize those years?” I inquired.
“We had a good marriage. We did lots of things together. We enjoyed being with each other; we had lots of fun. When our boys were born, even though they required a lot of time, we still made time for each other. I think we had a good marriage. In fact, I think we still have a good marriage, but things have been a little rocky for the last year or so.”
MIKE’S STORY
“From your perspective, what has made the marriage rocky over the last year or so?” I inquired.
“Well, I think I’ve been under a lot of stress at work,” Mike said. “And I think the kids have become more demanding for Julie. She seems to stay tired all the time. I guess we’re both under a lot of stress.” Mike went on to describe his struggles with irritability and a lack of interest in things that used to engage him.
“In fact, I seem to have lost my bounce,” he said. “I’m not very excited about my work or anything else. Frankly, this bothers me more than anything.”
“How long have you been feeling this way?” I asked.
“A year or so, I guess. It just seems to have gotten worse within the last two months.”
I asked Mike some questions about his childhood and learned he had a younger brother and a half-sister. “My dad left my mom when I was young. He remarried and had a daughter in that marriage. She’s ten years younger than I, but actually I’m closer to her than I am my brother.” His brother and he “did not get along very well,” Mike explained. Then he added, “With Dad being gone, we both wanted to be the man of the house. It seems like we were always fighting about something. After I went to college and he went into the military, we didn’t keep in touch very much.”
His father was an alcoholic, he said. “When he was still at home, he was okay when he wasn’t drunk, but when he got drunk, he was violent. I don’t have good memories of my childhood. After Dad left, we didn’t see him for about five years. But when I started college, he said he wanted to help me, which he did. After that, we saw each other once in a while, but we’ve never had a really close relationship.”
“And what about your relationship with your mother?”
“Mom had her own problems,” he said. “Maybe that’s what drove Dad to drink; I don’t know. She was very critical, not a warm person. After Dad left, she worked hard to make sure we had food and a place to live. I respect her for that, but she was hard on me and my brother. I was actually glad when it came time to go to college.”
Unlike his father, Mike’s mother did not remarry. She’d died about two years earlier, Mike said. In her later years she had developed Alzheimer’s, and during the final three years before she died, her health steadily declined and she didn’t always know her son wh
en he visited.
“Do you think you have had a lot of resentment toward your mother and father over the years?” I asked.
“I don’t know if it’s resentment,” he said. “I think I felt sorry for them through the years. Both of them had a rather empty life.”
Mike revealed that in college he had fathered a child out of wedlock. The baby was put up for adoption. “Julie knows about this, but we have never told the kids. I don’t think they need to know.”
I could tell that Mike was being very vulnerable with me. I could also tell that he was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I changed the subject. “When you’re driving a car and you’re stopped at a traffic light, when the light turns green and the person in front of you doesn’t move immediately, do you honk the horn?”
“I’m guilty,” he replied. “I’m usually calm but when I get behind the wheel, I guess all my hostility comes out. You know, people do stupid things, so I yell at them if I’m by myself. If Julie and the kids are in the car, I try to keep it under control. But I’ve always been a horn blower!”
We laughed together. But then I continued: “I want to give you some food for thought. My guess is that you are a very angry man; that you have stored inside lots of anger over a long period of time.”
Mike was silent for a moment, then said, “I never thought of myself as an angry person. In fact, I’ve always prided myself on handling my anger. I’m not the explosive type. I learned early on that it doesn’t pay to fight. No, I don’t see myself as an angry person.”
“You may be right. We’ll explore that further next time.”
MIKE DIGS INTO HIS PAST
Before Mike left, I gave him some homework. “I want to ask that you get alone with pencil and paper. And I want you to think through your life, answering two questions: Who are the people who have done me wrong, and what have they done? You may want to make two columns on your paper, one entitled ‘People’ and the other ‘Ways they have wronged me.’ Begin with your earliest memory; focus on your childhood, your relationships with your mother, father, and brother. If all of them wronged you at one time or another, which would be pretty normal, list their names and list the ways in which they wronged you. Be specific when you have specific memories. For example, if your brother hit you over the head with a ball bat, put it down.
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