She shouldn’t have tried to get him to take Jamie along. She could see how he got uptight the moment she said it. She should have kept her mouth shut.
She shouldn’t have argued with him. If you don’t sneak around and say mealy-mouthed things they’ll get you for that. They’ll make you pay. They’ve all got to show you how big and strong they are. If you ever dare breathe that you don’t think they’re as big and strong as they pretend, they hate you. They can’t take that. That’s what they’ve got to have. Jamie made him look weak. That’s what he didn’t like.
All she wanted to do was show the Captain what she was like really. He wanted to know all about her, he said. He wanted to see what she was really like. So she tried to show him and see what happened. Jamie saw what he was like too. He saw it right away.
You mustn’t ever tell their secret about how weak they are. They think you don’t see. If you tell them they get mad. Then they really hate you. Then they call you names. That’s what they did in Rochester. But she was telling them the truth. That’s why they said she was sick. They don’t want to hear the truth. If you tell them, they’ll try to do things to you.
Her feet were hurting bad. She should take her shoes off and walk barefoot. Even if it was cold. It would feel good to walk barefoot. She would walk for a while more. Then if she didn’t see the river she should maybe take them off. Maybe she would take everything off.
She remembered when she walked home and it started to rain. It was her new dress. She tried to stand under trees and she felt terrible. She knew she would catch it at home and she did. Her clothes were so soaked it was like she’d been swimming in them. The shoes made squeeze sounds when she walked, and she sat down by the gutter with her new dress and cried and just let the water pour all around her. Then she felt better.
Maybe she should sit down now. No, not here. Not yet.
She put one hand against a sign post and took off one shoe and then the other. That felt better. It felt good to walk on her bare feet.
She’d like to take everything off. Just take everything off. Then somebody’d stop and help her. It’s the clothes that make them think you’re not really there. If she took all her clothes off then they’d see she was really here.
'You’ll never find happiness this way, Lila.' Her mother’s face always came back at times like this. Her little pin-eyes. Her mother was always right. There were only two things that made her happy, being right and thinking about how much better she was than everybody else. If you did something good she didn’t say anything. But if you did something bad, she told you about it, over and over again.
But you’re not doing anything wrong, you know. You’re not hurting anybody and you’re not stealing anything, you know, and still people just hate you for it.
If you really love people they’ll kill you for it. You have to hate them and then pretend you love them. Then they respect you. But what’s the purpose of living if all you can do is hate people and have them hate you? She was so sick and tired of this world where everybody is supposed to hate everybody else.
How could they keep going day after day with all this hate? It never stopped. See, now she was getting into it too. Now they got her going too. That’s how it works. Now they got her into it and she couldn’t get out. She kept trying to get out but she couldn’t get out. There’s nothing left. They took it all away.
They just want to dirty you. That’s what they want to do. Just dirty you so you’ll be like them. Shooting their filth into you and then say, Look, Lila, you’re a whore! You’re a slut!
They just hate it when people make love. And then they’ll go to a fist fight where somebody’s really hurt and all covered with blood and they’ll just love that. Or a war and stuff like that. They’re all mixed up and they’re trying to take it out on you so you get mixed up too. They want to mix you up just like they are and then you’ll be all mixed up too and then they’ll like you. They’ll say, Lila, you’re really good. They’re the ones who’re really crazy. They don’t know you, Lila. Nobody knows you. They’ll never know you! But boy oh boy, do you ever know them!
They’re always so calm afterward. That’s when they start thinking about how to leave you. The minute before they come you’re the Queen of the World but the minute after you’re just garbage.
Like the Captain there. Now he had his fun. Now he just wanted her to go. Now he’s going to take his boat and his money and everything down to Florida and leave her here.
There was no one else on the street here but she had the feeling somebody was watching her. It seemed that if she turned her head suddenly she’d see somebody right behind her.
The dark buildings looked like some place she had never seen before. Some bad movie where people get killed.
What did she need to be so scared of? There was nothing to be afraid of. At least she wasn’t going to get robbed. All they’d get would be these shirts. That would be a laugh. Here, she’d say. Have some shirts. They wouldn’t know what to do.
She looked back suddenly to see what was following. There was nothing. Most of the windows were dark. In just a few there was some light behind some shades. There was an orange round little light in one window. It looked like a face.
Somebody had put a Jack O’Lantern in the window. Like the witch in the store window. Halloween.
Like that old bag lady yesterday who looked like a witch. She looked at Lila in a funny way. Like she recognized her. Maybe she was really a witch too! That’s why she had looked at her that way.
She didn’t want to be a witch. When she was little she wanted to wear the pirate costume but Em got to wear it instead. Lila had to wear the witch’s costume. That’s what the old bag lady looked like. Like the mask she wore on that witch’s costume when she was little. She didn’t want to wear it but her mother made her.
Her mother’s face came back. Lila, why can’t you be more like Emmaline?
I hate Emmaline! Lila said.
Em doesn’t hate you.
That’s what you think, Lila said. Lila knew what she really was like. Always getting what she wanted. Always playing up. That’s what her mother wanted.
Lies. Em got all the new dresses. Lila got to be the witch.
At her grandfather’s funeral her mother made her wear Em’s old blue dress, and gave all the blue and white plates to Emmaline. She saw a bee this morning on top of a car and she thought about the island and her grandfather.
She wished she was at the island now. Her grandfather had bees and he used to make toast with the honey from the bees and give her some. She remembered he always used to put it on a blue and white plate. Then the funeral came and they sold his house and gave the blue and white plates to Emmaline and Lila never saw the bees again. She used to think the bees went over to the island with her grandfather. And then sometimes they’d fly back and she’d see them again and they always knew where her grandfather was. That’s what she thought about this morning when she saw the bee on the car.
I told you you’ll never find happiness this way, Lila, her mother said. Her face had that little smile she always got when she made somebody feel bad.
I’m tired of hearing that, Mother, Lila answered. What happiness did you find?
Little pin-eyes, eyes, eyes…
Her mother thought Lila was going to hell because she was bad, but the island, when you went there, it didn’t matter whether you were bad. You just went there. It was in the picture on her grandfather’s wall.
The wind came around the corner and blew through her sweater and blew something into her eyes like sand or dirt or something so she couldn’t see. She had to stop and stand close to a brick wall and blink to get it out.
There! Around the corner of the building she saw it! It was following her! She concentrated on it and concentrated some more with all her might. She really was a witch because slowly the face started to appear. She could make things come to her.
But now she could see it wasn’t a man at all that was following.
It was just a dog.
As soon as the dog saw that she saw it, it disappeared back behind the building.
She concentrated some more. After a while, slowly, it started to come again. She didn’t move but held her eyes on it and then slowly step by step it came toward her. By the time it was halfway across the street she saw who it was. It was Lucky! After all these years.
Oh Lucky, you’ve come back, she said. You’re all whole again.
She started to walk toward him. She wanted to reach down and pet him but Lucky backed away.
Don’t you know me, Lucky? Lila asked. You’re all whole again. Don’t you remember me?
It didn’t show where he got hit by the car.
How did you get back from the island, Lucky? Did you swim? Where is the island, Lucky? We must be getting close to it now. You show me the way.
But as soon as Lila walked toward him Lucky walked ahead of her and as she followed him she saw that his feet hardly touched the ground, as though he didn’t have any weight at all.
From the dark far down the street came a truck without any headlights on. It hardly made any sound either. Scary. When the truck got near a street light and she could see whose it was, her heart jumped. Now she was really scared. He was here! He’d found her.
The last time she saw that truck was when they towed it to the junk yard. All smashed up. Just like him. The blood was all over the door of the truck from where his head hung over it. In the morgue she never looked at him. They couldn’t make her look at him.
Here he came now, in his pick-up truck, right down that street there, and he’s going to open the door and say Get in!
Then he’ll know what to do. He’ll find that goddamned bastard friend of Jamie that took her money and he’ll make him give it back. Then he’ll smash him to pieces. With one hand. He knew how to do that. He was always smashing up somebody. The son-of-a-bitch… You shouldn’t say that about somebody when they’re dead. As soon as she’d said it the truck steered to hit Lucky.
But Lucky stepped out of the way.
The truck went right by and she saw it was who she thought it was. He looked at her like she was somebody he didn’t want to have anything to do with. But he knew who she was and she knew who he was and then he sped up and the truck was gone.
She remembered the blood. Everybody acted like they were so sorry for her. All the hypocrites said, Oh Lila, we’re so sorry! But they were just hypocrites. They hated him as much as she did. The bastard. You shouldn’t say that about dead people but that’s what he was. She said it to him when he was alive. No reason to change now. It was the truth.
When she got around the corner, there it was, the castle! Lucky found it! But it was off where she didn’t think it would be. But she saw she could turn here and then down there was the park and the cement place and she thought that the boats were there too.
What a good dog! He was always so good. Someone must have sent him from the island to show her the way. Now she could go to the boat and wait for the Captain and he would take her down the river to the island.
She didn’t remember the cement place very well. It was scary. It looked like something where the lions come out at you. And there were steps going out from the other side and you didn’t know who might be there waiting. She walked slowly, step by step…
She didn’t hear anything, but she was afraid…
She took another step closer. There was nothing else she could do. She had to go past it. She held her breath and looked around the corner…
There was the marina! And all the water of the river. It was all here! Oh, it felt so good to be back again.
She could hear the boat ropes going bing-bing-bing in the wind.
At the gate for the marina was a black man who said something to her but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. He kept waving his hands and pointed to her but he didn’t touch her when she walked past him to the boat.
She walked down the dock and there was the boat! Lucky had found the way.
Where was Lucky?
She looked for him and she didn’t see him. She called, but he didn’t come. She looked into the river to see if he had started to swim back to the island but all she could see was lights far away all blurred by the rain.
After she stepped over the railing onto the boat she sat down in the cockpit. Oh it felt so good to sit down again! Her teeth were chattering and her clothes were all soaked all the way through but it didn’t matter now. All she had to do was wait for the Captain and they would go to the island.
A wake came across from somewhere out on the river. She could see it coming by the way the lights moved from on top of the waves. It lifted up and rocked the boat against the dock and then after a while it died down.
The water beside the boat was mucky-looking with a lot of junk in it. There were pieces of old plastic bottles, and dirty swirls of foam and a sponge and some branches and a dead fish caught on one of the branches. The fish was turned up on its side and was partly gone. Then the fish and the branch moved on by and she could smell the fish. Then the branch came back again and the whirlpool caught it and it went down into the center of the whirlpool and disappeared.
The junk went round and round in a whirlpool. It looked like the whirlpool was sucking all the junk to the bottom of the river. She remembered watching some fish once and how one of them kept turning on its side and the others tried to take bites out of it. Then it straightened up again. But after a while it went over on its side again and then it couldn’t straighten up at all. Then the others started to eat it and it didn’t struggle any more.
She hoped they wouldn’t bite Lucky when he swam back to the island. When you slow down the fish eat you up alive. You can’t do anything that makes them think you’re slowing down, or they’ll come after you.
They wouldn’t dare bite Lucky.
She wished the Captain would come.
She was so tired of this side of the river. She’d even swim if she had to. She didn’t know how long the Captain would take to come and she didn’t want to wait any more.
Lila took off her sweater. That felt better with it off.
Then she put her hand down into the water.
The water felt warm! It was real warm in the river. If she swam to the island she wouldn’t be cold any more.
She looked at the water again.
She didn’t want to be cold any more. She was so tired of fighting it. Just to give up. Just to let go.
Just to let go. Toward that hand in the water. The hand was sticking up out of the water where the branch had been, reaching for her to take it. The hand came close to her and then a little whirlpool in the water carried it away. It was like a baby’s hand sticking out of the water. A baby’s hand.
The little hand was reaching up out of the water. It was a baby’s hand. She could see the little fingers. The hand was just farther than she could reach going into the whirlpool. Then it came closer and she caught it, and her heart held still as she brought it up out of the water.
Its little body was all stiff and cold.
Its eyes were closed. Thank God. She cleaned off the scum from its body and saw that none of the baby seemed to be gone. The fish had not eaten any of it yet. But it was not breathing.
Then she took her sweater from the cockpit floor and put it in her lap and wrapped the baby in it and held it close. And she rocked the baby back and forth until she could feel some of the coldness go out of it. It’s all right, she said. It’s all right. You’re all right now. It’s all over. You’re all right now. No one’s going to hurt you any more.
After a while Lila could feel the baby’s body becoming warm against her own. She began to rock it a little back and forth. Then she began to hum a little song to it that she remembered from long ago.
Part Three
24
Does Lila have Quality? The question seemed inexhaustible. The answer Phædrus had thought of before, Biologically she does, socially she doesn’t, still didn’t get
all the way to the bottom of it. There was more than society and biology involved.
Phædrus heard some voices in the corridor become louder and closer, then fade away again.
What had happened since the end of the First World War was that the intellectual level had entered the picture and had taken over everything. It was this intellectual level that was screwing everything up. The question of whether promiscuity is moral had been resolved from prehistoric times to the end of the Victorian era, but suddenly everything was upended by this new intellectual supremacy that said sexual promiscuity is neither moral nor immoral, it is just amoral human behavior.
That may have been why Rigel was so angry back in Kingston. He thought Lila was immoral because she’d broken up a family and destroyed a man’s position in the social community — a biological pattern of quality, sex, had destroyed a social pattern of quality, a family and a job. What made Rigel mad was that into this scene come intellectuals like Phædrus who say it’s unintelligent to repress biological drives. You must decide these matters on the basis of reason, not on the basis of social codes.
But if Rigel identified Phædrus with this intellect-vs.-society code and the social upheavals it has produced, he certainly picked on the wrong person. The Metaphysics of Quality uproots the intellectual source of this confusion, the doctrine that says, Science is not concerned with values. Science is concerned only with facts.
In a subject-object metaphysics this platitude is unassailable, but the Metaphysics of Quality asks: which values is science unconcerned with?
Gravitation is an inorganic pattern of values. Is science unconcerned? Truth is an intellectual pattern of values. Is science unconcerned? A scientist may argue rationally that the moral question, Is it all right to murder your neighbor? is not a scientific question. But can he argue that the moral question, Is it all right to fake your scientific data? is not a scientific question? Can he say, as a scientist, The faking of scientific data is no concern of science? If he gets tricky and tries to say that that is a moral question about science which is not a part of science, then he has committed schizophrenia. He is admitting the existence of a real world that science cannot comprehend.
Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals Page 32