by Carol Ashby
“I’m sorry...sometimes I miss Father so much...I don't want to cry like this, but sometimes I just can’t stop...”
Philip moved from his chair to sit on the couch beside her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and she rested her head against his chest as the tears continued to flow.
“You can cry on me anytime. I don’t mind.”
She shifted to slide her one arm around his chest and let her tears soak into his tunic. Sometimes it hurt so much to remember how wonderful life had been with Father. All that was gone now.
Fear and loneliness wrapped her in pain, but the th-thud of Philip's heartbeat somehow calmed her fears and the warmth of his arm around her made her feel less alone. When he wrapped his second arm around her and held her close, she tipped her face to find comfort from gazing deep into his caring eye. She scarcely noticed his scars before resting her cheek against his chest again. A deep sigh escaped as she relaxed in the security of his arms.
Philip rested his unscarred cheek on the top of her head and felt the softness of her hair. She seemed so small and vulnerable as his arms felt her slowly breathing in and out, her breath occasionally catching as she wept.
God, please bring an end to this overwhelming grief and heal her broken heart.
He knew exactly Who could heal her, but right now she hated Jesus and those who follow him. She would hate his wise father if she knew he was the one who started Publius on the path to becoming a believer. He’d played a part himself by giving the teaching the day Publius publicly declared his faith. That might make her hate him as well if she knew, and he couldn’t bear that now. He prayed for the end of her hatred as he cradled in his arms the tortured young woman with whom he was falling in love.
When the tears finally ceased, Claudia looked up at his face. There was a tenderness there that was exactly what she’d come to expect from him.
“I’m sorry.” She rested her hand against his chest. “I got your tunic all wet again. I’m probably the worst passenger you’ve ever had.”
“You’re not even in the bottom half. A damp tunic is a small price to pay for having someone onboard who’s the best general I’ve had the pleasure of crossing swords with.”
“I don’t think I’d be a very good general right now. I cried too much, and my head hurts terribly.” She raised her eyebrows before she asked, but she already knew his answer. “Would you please rub my temple and read to me again?”
“Of course. There’s no better way to spend some time after lunch than exploring India while I watch a beautiful woman sleep in my lap.”
“You’re just saying that so I won’t feel like I’m such a bother.”
“I keep telling you you’re not a bother. You should stop saying you are.” He stood and smiled down at her. “I’ll be right back.”
When Philip returned with the scroll, Claudia fluffed the pillow, placed it in his lap, and lay down.
“Thank you, Philip. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
The glow in her eyes as she looked up at him made his heart skip a beat.
“You don’t have to. Just close your eyes.”
A slight smile curved her lips as he began to read. Soon her breathing told him she was asleep.
As he gazed at the blonde-haired beauty sleeping so peacefully in his lap, his heart pulsed with long-dormant feelings. She’s so beautiful, so smart, so much fun when she’s not crying her eyes out. The kind of woman any man would want to share a lifetime with.
He shook his head. Time to banish those thoughts. He could easily fall deeply in love with her if he let himself, but nothing would ever come of that. Even if she were to become a Christian, which was essential for the wife of a leader in the church, a beautiful woman like her couldn’t possibly fall in love with a hideous man like him.
Claudia was sleeping soundly, so Philip had succeeded in helping her get some rest after the latest attack of heart-rending grief.
Penelope watched him as he cradled Claudia’s head in his lap. What she saw was both pleasing and a bit worrisome. At long last, Philip was letting down his guard with a woman. It had been seven years since his heart was shredded by his betrothed. Mother had begun to despair that he would ever take a chance and risk a broken heart again.
She watched him gaze at the sleeping Claudia. The tenderness there seemed to go beyond that of a kind man worried about a grieving friend. But then that tender look faded into one of sadness. Right after that, he carefully lifted the pillow so he could extract himself without waking her. Now he was standing toward the bow, leaning on the railing as he watched the ship cut through the waves. Usually he looked so peaceful when he did that, but now he looked sadder than she could ever remember.
Penelope left Junia to keep an eye on Claudia and walked forward to join Philip at the rail. He turned his head to glance at her and offered a weak smile before focusing again on the waves.
“What’s wrong, Philip?”
“Nothing. Just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
He didn’t answer.
“Thinking about what, Philip?”
His lips tightened. He didn’t speak, but she wasn’t going to let him avoid answering her. Ignoring her or Ariadne only made them more persistent.
“Philip?” Still no answer.
She nudged him with her shoulder. “What are you thinking about?”
A small snort revealed his exasperation with her pushing the question, but he gave in. “How things might have been different.”
“What things? Different how?”
He waved his hand as if to shoo away the question.
“Different how, Philip? You might as well tell me since I’m not going to stop asking until you do.”
A sigh accompanied his surrender. “You win. Different if I hadn’t spilled the soup. Different if I were a handsome man.”
He glanced back toward the canopy where Claudia lay sleeping.
She placed her hand on her brother’s arm. “You’re too hard on yourself. Being kind is so much more important than being handsome, and any woman worthy of you would agree with your sisters about that. You need to trust that the right woman will be smart enough to see that. Nothing needs to be different for a woman to love you and want to marry you.”
“You and Ariadne never leave it alone, do you. Even Father has started telling me it’s time. I know you all want me to marry, and I will someday, if that’s what God intends for me. I don’t see it anytime soon, though.” He sighed. “I wish what you say were true, but it’s not. Contentment comes from accepting things the way they are and doing the best you can with what is.”
She wrapped her arm around his and rested her head against his shoulder. “Promise me something.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t try so hard to be content that you miss seeing that God has brought someone special into your life. Maybe she’s exactly the one you need.” She squeezed his arm. “And maybe she needs you even more than you need her.”
A glimmer of hope flitted across his face, but sad resignation soon erased it.
“But you’ve heard what she says about hating Christians. Even if she could stand me being so ugly, she hates the One I love most. She hates Father and me for leading her father to love Him, too. How could that ever work?”
"Wasn’t the apostle Paul the greatest hater of Christians in all Israel? And didn’t Jesus make him one of his truest disciples? Surely God can change her heart, too. Nothing is outside His control.”
He slowly nodded, as if he knew she was right. All he’d really needed was for her to remind him.
He reached over and patted her cheek. “All right, baby sister. I’ll keep one eye open to see if God has something different in mind for me.” The corner of his mouth rose. “One eye, not two.”
She slapped his arm. “Very funny, brother dear. Just remember what I said.” His sad, wistful look was gone, and that dre
w her smile. “A smart woman knows the treasure is what’s inside the box, not the box itself.”
“When did my baby sister get so wise?”
“When I grew into a woman myself. I hope you didn’t just line up handsome men for me. I want a kind one like you.”
“Don’t worry. I couldn’t find one as ugly as me, but one of them is quite homely. All of them are kind.”
She chuckled, and she got a genuine smile from him before she patted his arm and headed back to chat with Junia under the canopy, confident that she had convinced him to get out of his own way and let God work unhindered.
Chapter 31: Seeing True Worth
They had been at sea for two and a half weeks. Although they hadn’t exhausted Philip’s supply of poetry, Claudia was having difficulty choosing the one she wanted for their afternoon reading. Philip stood behind her, looking over her shoulder as she shuffled through his boxes. She turned to look up at his smiling face.
“You know, we haven’t read from any of my collection yet. Why don’t you choose today from my box?”
“An excellent idea. I’ve been curious for some time about which poets you thought most worthy of inclusion in your library.”
He stepped back against his wall to let her pass ahead of him into her room.
She was about to kneel and wrestle the heavy box out from under the table so he could look in it.
“Let me get that for you.”
She flattened herself against the wall so he could get past her. He had such broad shoulders. Whenever he was so close to her, she couldn’t help noticing how muscular he was. Sometimes being close to him made her heart beat much too fast.
He gripped the handle with one hand and pulled it out as if it weighed nothing. When she pulled the box out, she had to lean back and use the weight of her body to move it.
He lifted the box, placed it on the bed, and stepped back so she could make her selection.
“I want you to pick, Philip. I love them all, so it’s hard for me to choose.”
His eye was drawn to one that was a set of individual sheets between two leather covers with ribbons holding it all together to make a codex. Nothing was written on the cover - no title, no poet’s name.
“This looks interesting.”
He reached very deliberately for the home-made codex. As he lifted it from the box, she took hold of it, too. His eyebrow rose, and she felt the heat to the tips of her ears.
“I don’t think you want that one. It’s my own poems.”
The tease in his smile made her blush even more. “Then this is exactly the one I want. They say poetry is the window into a poet’s soul. I’m sure what I’ll see will be enchanting.”
She tried unsuccessfully to pull it from his hand. He simply tightened his grip and chuckled at her attempts.
“No, you can’t take it. You said I could choose, and this is my choice. The only choice you get is whether you read to me or I read to you.”
His smile turned into a grin. “I’d much prefer the first. It would be very special to hear the beautiful words of the poet from the lips of the poet herself.”
It was very clear she wasn’t going to be able to take it away from him or convince him he didn’t want it.
“Well, all right. If you’re sure that’s what you want.”
“Absolutely.” He smiled that same smile she saw when he’d just won a game of Conquest.
As much as she hated reading her own poems aloud to anyone, she hated the thought of disappointing him even more. If something as simple as reading them to him could make him this happy, she couldn’t refuse his request. He’d done so much for her; how could she refuse him anything?
Philip carried the codex as they walked out to the canopy. Once Claudia was seated, he handed it to her.
“First read me your favorite. Then whatever you want.”
He settled into a chair, stretched out his legs, clasped his hands behind his head, and gazed at her with anticipation.
She opened the volume to a poem in the middle of the collection. “In tunics of blue and purple, the flowers dance. Bowing and swaying...”
She kept her eyes fixed on the pages as she read. She was afraid to see his reaction. Maybe he would think the images from her heart were silly or boring. Maybe he would think her words and phrases were trite or clumsy.
When she finished reading, she raised her eyes and looked at him shyly. There was that broad smile that appeared when he was delighted with something.
As Claudia read, Philip’s admiration for her poetic skill grew. Her poems were elegant, filled with beautiful images, rich phrases, surprising words. She wrote as well as many of the poets in his library.
“I may have a new favorite poet. Your poems are beautiful, Claudia. You should never be afraid to read them to anyone.”
She blushed, and the color in her cheeks made her even more beautiful, if that were possible.
“That’s kind of you to say.”
“Truth is truth. I don’t have to be kind to say you’re an excellent poet.”
“Well, if you are kind, you won’t say it too often.”
“Fair enough, but you can’t keep me from thinking it.”
She blushed again. “Now it’s time for you to read to me, Philip.”
“Hand it over. I want to read some more of my new favorite.”
As Claudia handed her codex to him, he flashed that teasing smile. She settled back into her chair. As she listened to her own words being read in his deep, rich voice, she was glad she’d yielded to his request to read her poetry. His voice and her words were a combination she enjoyed at least as much as he’d enjoyed her reading.
She used to close her eyes when he read because she wasn’t comfortable looking at his scars. How silly that was. Now she enjoyed watching him. It was fun to see which parts of each poem he liked best. They were almost always the parts she liked best, too. It was even better when she watched him watch her read. He would gaze at her and smile that delighted smile he reserved only for her. It made her feel all warm inside to give him such pleasure. Next time she read her own poems, she wouldn’t be afraid to look up for his smile.
The next day, Claudia and Penelope were leaning on the rail by the canopy, watching the ship cut through the waves. Philip was up by the bow, talking with Hector.
Claudia had one nagging question about Philip, and his sister was exactly the person to answer it.
“Why isn’t Philip married? He’s rather old to be a single man.”
“He’s only twenty-five. All my brothers were at least eighteen when they married. Father had them work a full summer season as a crewmember on one of his ships before they married. Philip still enjoys being part of the crew when he sails. You’ll see him up in the rigging before this voyage is over.”
“Many Roman men are married by the time they’re sixteen. The marriages are arranged by their fathers. My two oldest brothers were both born before Father was eighteen. My mother never really wanted to be married to Father, so he decided to do things differently. He let his sons decide whom to marry themselves because he hoped that would give them happier marriages than his was. Lucius married Cornelia before he was eighteen, but Titus is twenty-four and still hasn’t found someone he wants to marry.”
Penelope hesitated before speaking. “Philip was almost married when he was eighteen. The summer he was away at sea, Father arranged for him to marry a girl who was one of Ariadne’s close friends. Phoebe was our age at the time. She was always cheerful and very pretty. I was only nine, but I remember how eager Philip was to make her his wife.
“He came home about three months before the wedding. She didn’t know he was back, and he overheard her telling Ariadne that she was being forced to marry him. She thought he was hideously ugly. She said she’d rather die than be married to someone who looked like a monster, but her family wanted her to marry him because he was so rich.
“When he knew she
felt that way, he didn’t have the heart to make her go through with it. He broke the engagement and made sure everyone thought she wasn’t to blame. But Ariadne knew better, and she had a very hard time forgiving Phoebe for hurting Philip so badly.”
Penelope’s eyes narrowed as her head tilted. “Since then, he thinks a woman could never want him except for him being rich.”
Claudia shook her head. “But he shouldn’t think that. He’s a wonderful man. I’ve never met anyone kinder than he is or more interesting to talk with. There would be many women who would like him for himself, not just his money.”
Penelope’s eyes brightened as much as her smile. “That’s what Ariadne and I think, but Philip’s so modest he doesn’t see it.”
Penelope had been looking toward the bow where Philip and Hector were talking. When he started back toward them, she touched Claudia’s arm.
“We need to talk about something else. Philip’s coming, and I wouldn’t want him to know we were talking about this.” Her eyes turned serious. “Philip likes you very much, Claudia. Please don’t hurt my brother.”
Claudia turned her eyes on Philip as he walked toward them, smiling at her as always. She nodded her head in response to Penelope’s heartfelt request. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was hurt this very special man.
Chapter 32: Thessalonica
They had been at sea almost three weeks when the hills behind Thessalonica finally came into view.
As the ship sailed into the harbor, Claudia stood at the rail with Penelope. “I didn’t expect the hills to be so close to the sea. The buildings go half way up them. Philip said there were 70,000 people here, but I never pictured it like this.”
Penelope bounced on her toes. “Rome is magnificent, but I think Thessalonica is much nicer. It’s been so long since I was here. This is home for our family. Nicanor still lives here. He’s my oldest brother, and he runs all the Macedonian estates and shipping from here, just like Philip does in Perinthus. Ariadne and her family are here, too.” She pointed toward the hills, green with gardens and vineyards, that rose from the shore west of the city. “The family estate I grew up on is over there.”