“Why did you come to the graveyard that day?” she asked with a neutral voice, as if she was conducting an interview. It made me feel more at ease with telling my story. The fear of an outburst from her side had ceased almost completely. Whether she was controlling her emotions or she had overcome her fear of my talents, I couldn’t tell.
“I don’t know exactly…somehow, I felt the urge to visit my Gran’s grave. And I was more than surprised to find you there. I had given up on the thought of finding you—though I didn’t know it was you then. You know what I mean…” I leaned back and rested my head against the chair, going back in time. I could feel the warm breeze and smell the grass and dust in the graveyard. My face was warm from the sunlight of that afternoon and I could see Claire’s silhouette before my inner eye, her long hair. “And everything clicked into place. I saw you and knew that it was you who matched the pattern I loved already, so it had to be you that I loved. And so I do…”
It was out. Everything I had to say, everything I should have told her long ago. As I looked back over the table, she was still sitting there, the real Claire, strong and beautiful and flaming with emotions.
“I love you,” I repeated and looked her deep in the eye.
Her reaction made me smile. Not the mocking chuckle I’d given myself, or the amused one her questions had brought on. It was a smile of gratitude and joy as my radar reached out and dove into a well of love, excitement, and desire. It wasn’t the bold and tasteless desire Maureen had radiated, or the wave of sexual tension girls sometimes threw at me while they were undressing me with their eyes—the uncomfortable type of desire. It was a pure and honest longing for something more than my broad shoulders and athletic figure. It was the need to unite with me on a whole different level. Physically would be just one part of that. I read her for a minute, enjoying the sense of having won her over, until the urge to pull her into my arms became almost unbearable. Then, in order to not lose self-control, I averted my eyes to get her out of my peripheral vision and therefore not feel her anymore. As much as I wanted to give in to the chemistry between us, as much I needed to keep a clear head, she was struggling, I could tell, even without looking at her.
A clicking sound forced me to face her again, and I chuckled as I noticed she had drained half the water from her glass. I grabbed my coffee mug and held on to it for support, so I wouldn’t act against all better judgment and scare her away yet again.
“Not funny,” she called my mind back to order, and the moment was back on a rational track. And I was grateful.
“I know, I’m just—” Could I say what I was about to say? I decided yes. “—impressed.”
“What? Why would you be impressed?”
“I’m impressed by how you handle it…” This conversation was getting more absurd by the minute. I was about to share even more than what I had thought I wanted to share. “Most girls have no self-control at all.”
Claire frowned. I could only guess, she already knew where this was headed.
“Most girls that are interested in me, and trust me—I would know—radiate their desire with such force that it knocks me off my chair.” Honesty.
“And you give them what they want, I suppose—easy prey.”
Was she serious? How could she even think that? The reason I was sharing this with her was to show her how different she was, how strong and pristine, not to brag about my one-night-stands—which by the way I didn’t have. “No. That’s exactly what I don’t do. It’s more like I try to save myself before they can get their claws in me.” I was grateful my radar tipped me off and I could escape.
“Still—Not funny.”
Claire was ashamed for accusing me, that much was clear, and I had no intention of making her feel bad about it. I didn’t mind, I knew I wasn’t that type of guy. Maybe it was best to drop it and move on before I talked myself into a pit I couldn’t get out of.
“It’s still very dark and wet outside. What do you want to do until the eternal rain stops out there?”
She eyed me, a bit lost and unsure about where I was headed now. “Uhm, no idea.” She gave me space to shape what was going to happen. She didn’t have any further questions either, or she would have popped them at me right away, I had learned that by now.
“What about you coming over here to my side of the table?” I seized the moment and capitalized on the underlying vibes that were still there, testing my way toward her approval to give her that kiss I’d been hoping to place on her lips since I had laid eyes on her this morning.
“And why exactly would I do that?” Her tone didn’t let on how well she understood where I was going and I played along, spelling it out for her.
“So I can hug you and kiss you and celebrate that I found you.” If she agreed with this, then I would know for sure that I had won her back. I held my breath.
“Come and get me.”
Before she could feel bad about teasing me, I was on my feet, heart rejoicing and pounding with anticipation of holding her in my arms. Cautious to be gentle in my enthusiasm, I pulled her up and right against my chest, then gazed into her dazed eyes. “May I?”
Before she could comprehend what I was asking permission for, my impatient lips had touched hers. It was like all the worries, all the pain of the past few weeks, were eradicated just by that simple gesture and her pattern glowed brightly inside my heart. She pulled herself against me, almost pushing me off balance and I twirled us around, keeping my mouth sealed against hers, sat down with her on my lap and let her rest against my shoulder. Neither of us seemed to care about our surroundings. We were both too happy and too preoccupied to even notice there were surroundings.
It was only when someone cleared their throat behind us that I let go of her to look up and right into Noel’s blue eyes. I almost jumped to my feet, driven by embarrassment. Noel was looking down at us, all apologetic and somehow endeared by our sweet romance, but it was also clear in his features he had something to say we wouldn’t like.
“If you don’t mind, I would appreciate if you left now.”
I nodded, breaking away from Claire’s lips, which were still reluctant to detach from mine. How could I have let my self-control slip so much? Maybe Claire had that excuse, but I wasn’t a teenager anymore. I straightened up just enough to make her slide into an upright position.
“It’s nearly seven, I have to close,” Noel informed us, face and tone polite but his emotions were clear. He was happy for us. Our open display of affection hadn’t offended him. It might have even reminded him of his own first love.
As the old man walked away, I pulled Claire to her feet effortlessly as I got out of the armchair. She was light as a feather and my arms wanted to secure her against my side so she couldn’t float away.
“So late already.” With a glimpse at my watch, I confirmed Noel’s assessment of the time.
Claire’s face was lit up by the evening sun which was searching its way through the remaining clouds. The street looked almost as if we wouldn’t need a boat to make it back to the car, which was good news as we wouldn’t get wet, and bad news as our afternoon together was coming to an end.
The best I could do was leave a good impression and be the best version of myself. That in mind, I grabbed her jacket and helped her into it before I took her hand and guided her to the door.
“Good luck, kids!” Noel called after us with a laugh.
I quietly laughed with him, as I inhaled the fresh and clean air, and tightened my hand around Claire’s as we continued through the wet parking lot.
“When can I see you again?” I turned her and kissed her, unable to let her go just yet.
Claire’s lips pulled up on the sides in a girlish grin. How innocent she was, how sincere her affection, and how wonderful her hair smelled as she buried her face in my chest for a couple of seconds, denying me the chance to continue kissing her. Her hand wandered down my arms and stopped to grab the sleeves on my forearms. It was clear she was as unwilling to
separate as I was.
“Tomorrow.” Her voice soothed my fear of seeing her leave. Tomorrow sounded wonderful to me. And it couldn’t come fast enough. I pulled her close to my chest and inhaled the scent of her hair—fresh blossoms and rain—and kissed her head before I found it in me to say goodbye.
“Time will stretch endlessly, I can feel it already, as I have to let you out of my embrace now.”
Claire seemed braver than me, as she pecked my lips one last time, already climbing into her car.
“I’ll pick you up after school.” It was a promise to myself as much as to her. It was almost painful to see her drive away after having just gotten her back. Patience, I reminded myself.
12
Family
“Are you eating this?” Ben pointed over the kitchen table.
The croissant next to me was tempting, but my stomach was full with emotions. Little space for food.
Had someone told me life could be this beautiful, I would have dismissed them as a dreamer, a romantic. Now that I was stuck right inside one of those dreams, it was oddly logical. Everything I’d known about Claire, her beauty, her bravery, her gracious heart, her reluctance to trust…all of it made sense and everything she did was driven by it. I had gained her trust, and it seemed I was now the focus of her every thought. A flattering feeling, but also dangerous. I could get used to it so easily. What if she ever changed her mind? Would I survive?
I shoved the curved pastry toward my brother with a new thought. There was something I could do in order to minimize that risk, and right now seemed to be the perfect time to start.
“You remember the girl I told you about?”
Ben looked up from his plate, eyes narrowed. I couldn’t tell if he did remember, something about his reaction was off.
“Is that why you’ve been shining like a little star lately?” he mocked.
“Who’s a little star?” Dad walked into the kitchen with a face which appeared unnaturally awake for the early hour of the day and picked up the pot of coffee Geoffrey had prepared.
“Adam has a new girlfriend.” Ben bit into my croissant sourly.
Hadn’t he been happy for me when he found out there was someone new in my life? Hadn’t he been the one to suggest I tell her how I felt about her? What had changed?
“New girlfriend?” Jenna joined Dad from the other side of the counter and pulled a banana from the fruit bowl, the same excitement in her face as I felt streaming through the room from her direction.
“Yes,” I answered too quickly to think it through. We hadn’t agreed on a label, but according to the way our last dates had gone, there was hardly any other word I would want to use. “I guess.”
“Adam, that’s wonderful,” Jenna beamed at me while juggling a cup of coffee and a plate. “Any chance we’re going to meet her?”
She sat down next to Ben with her breakfast. It was one of the rare mornings where the entire Gallager family was leaving the house at the same time.
“What’s her name?” Dad asked as he joined us, eyes curious.
If now was the time to tell them, so be it.
“Claire.” Her name still sounded like a melody to me whenever I heard it spoken aloud, even in my own voice.
“Claire, the pure,” Dad repeated my thought when I had first met her. “Is she?”
“She is a wonderful person. Loves books, especially the classics,” I gave my father a meaningful look. He had an enormous library stuffed with literature of all kind. “And music. When she listens to a song she likes, she seems to slip into another dimension.” This time I looked at Jenna. She would connect well with Claire.
Both of them smiled with enthusiasm as I continued raving about Claire, Dad radiating pride and Jenna warmth and understanding. Only Ben had gotten oddly quiet.
“Her birthday is coming up this Sunday,” I announced in a flash of enlightenment. “Maybe it’s a good opportunity to meet her.”
“Bring her over for tea,” Jenna agreed before I could doubt if it had been a good idea.
“Perfect,” Dad agreed. “I have an old Shakespeare sitting on the shelves waiting for a new owner.” He winked at me.
“Great,” Ben chewed, face unreadable, emotions controlled and set to cautious anticipation with a hint of annoyance.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we were heading out.
“Nothing.” Ben pulled his keys from his bag.
“Don’t worry,” I reassured him. “You’ll get along well with her.”
There was a hint of jealousy breaking through his pensive mood as he slid into his car.
“We’ll see.” He rolled out of the garage and drove off.
For a moment I tried to sort out Ben's emotions. Was Ben jealous that I was spending so much time with Claire? Was I neglecting my relationship with my brother? Or was it something entirely different? Anyway, it was clear he wasn’t as happy about my new love as he had been a week ago.
As I made my way to campus, I was full of anticipation. Claire would meet my family in a couple of days. It made me feel surprisingly calm, not anxious. Whenever I looked at her, I knew my parents would love her. They would see the same beautiful soul hidden behind the layers of caution. They would see her wit and they would understand how happy she made me.
The day already seemed endless when I sat through the first lecture of the day, and it didn’t move any faster until Bennet finished up in time for lunch. Then I spotted a familiar face at the cafeteria door, smiling in my direction.
“Happiness suits you,” Maureen called before I could dodge her.
When had she returned? Not that I needed her back in my life, but it was still good to know she was okay.
“Hi.” I slid past her and got in line with the other students, exposing myself to the usual high density of student stress and everything else college people were feeling during their lunch break.
“Aren’t you happy to see me?” Maureen asked as she squeezed in beside me.
Really?
“The last time I saw you, you threatened the girl I love,” I clarified several things in one statement. No, I wasn’t happy. No, I wasn’t available. No, I didn’t care whether or not she was back.
“You’re still upset about that?” She giggled and tilted her head, eyeing me from the side.
I knew what I would see if I turned to face her: fluttering black lashes and glossy lips, fighting for my attention, promising me the world if I leaned in and kissed her. It was pushing at my defenses, desire and possessiveness, the same way it had that night I left her. Only then I hadn’t been able to understand where those emotions had come from. Now there was no doubt. It was her, and her alone.
“Don’t worry,” she whispered. “I’m not going to hurt her.”
Was she serious? Maureen’s hand grabbed the silver pendant on her necklace as I looked at her with cold eyes.
“No. You won’t. I won’t let you.”
She gawked at me for a moment, surprised by the intensity of my words, then put her smile back on.
“I hear you, Adam.”
There was something about her that was screaming dangerous, evil. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn't the words she was using or her physical appearance. There was a layer of darkness there enveloping her. Something I had never felt around any other human being.
“Good seeing you, Adam.” She turned and walked away like a graceful black swan leaving me with a tight stomach.
It took almost the entire afternoon to get rid of the feeling. The only cure it seemed was to visualize Claire’s delicate features and the innocence of her love. It helped me through the day until I was back in my car, speeding to see that same face for real.
She was coming down the stairs from the library, a bag strapped over her shoulder, as I pulled in.
“Hey, love,” I called the second I was out of the car. I closed the distance with a few big strides and pulled her into my arms.
“Is it just me, or have they made the d
ays longer?” She cuddled into my embrace, wiping away the last of the bitterness from the encounter with Maureen.
“I missed you, too,” I let her know. Honesty was still my top priority. I needed this to work.
“What are the plans for tonight?” She asked, ignoring how I kept voicing my feelings. She couldn’t read me the same way I could read her, so it was only fair I told her.
“Dinner? Then a movie if you’d like?”
“Dinner sounds great, but I’ve got homework to do, so I need to leave right after we eat.”
A pang of disappointment hit me. I had hoped for more time with her.
“Dinner it is.”
We tried a new Thai place near the library. It was small and painted in bright colors. Claire was watching me from across the table, face calm and emotions bubbling under the surface. There was always a mixture of feelings there in her aura, but they were all dulled a bit, as if she was controlling them on purpose, anxious to protect herself from my x-ray gaze. It hadn’t helped when I told her how wonderful it was to see her beauty in more than one way: her physical attractiveness and her inspiring emotional grace. It had filled her with shame and that had made me sad. All I wanted was for her to be herself with me. And if proving myself to her by showing her just how much she meant to me over and over again was the way to make her comfortable, I would do it.
“Are you coming over Sunday?” she asked over her summer rolls.
“Your birthday.” I smiled. Of course I was going to be there, but I had a surprise for her. Tea with my family. She was going to get to learn everything about who I was and where I came from. Including my family’s wealth, which made me a bit uncomfortable. So many girls had wanted me for my heritage and money rather than for who I was. Claire so far was oblivious to the dimensions of the material benefits I came with and I was concerned she might change her mind about me once she found out. “Yes.”
She smiled, relief shining through the rest of her emotions. It gave me enough reassurance to shove my worries aside. It was going to be great. My family would love her and she would love them. Except for Ben… I had yet to figure out his problem.
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