by KB Winters
“I love you,” he whispered, burying his face in my hair.
I clung to him as we both slipped over the edge. It wasn’t the lightning heat from downstairs, but the pleasure rolled over us in slow, layered waves that all crashed together and then washed away as Jack released and sagged down onto me. I stroked his back and wrapped my legs tighter around his hips, not ready to let him go.
We went to sleep together, cradled together under the sheet, listening to the tide come in. Safe, wrapped in Jack’s arms, staring out the window to the moon-soaked ocean beyond.
I wanted to stay that way forever.
****
Beside me, Jack’s breath came in even puffs. The clock on the bedside table said 2:37. Damn it. I glanced at Jack, his bare torso sticking out from under the sheets. Every sensation from our love making washed over me and I ached all over again. It had been so right and yet all wrong at the same time. Even as we tangled together, I knew it would be the last time.
At least for a while.
Maybe forever.
Tears pricked at my eyes as I stared at Jack, and I hurried to get out of bed before he woke up and found me crying. I slipped from the sheets and wrapped myself in my robe. I went to the bathroom and softly closed the door behind me. I pulled yesterday’s sweater and jeans from the hamper and turned the light off again. I stepped over Princess and Hunter who were sprawled out on the floor in the middle of the room and tiptoed from the bedroom before either of them woke up.
Once downstairs, I heard the tinkling of a collar and turned to find Hunter standing behind me. His form was illuminated just enough in the soft light from the night light on the wall to make him look like a hulking shadow. “Hey, boy,” I whispered. “You should go back to bed.”
He didn’t move.
I smiled and patted his head. “Okay. Come on.”
The sliding door opened silently and we both stepped out onto the back deck. A brisk wind was kicking up but it wasn’t cold enough that I needed to go back in and grab a thicker jacket. Hunter followed me down the steps and out the side gate. A few feet later and my feet hit the cold sand. The moon was nearly full and provided plenty of light as we made our way down the beach. I sucked in big breaths of the cool, salty air and tried to keep myself from crying.
I looked up at the moon, wishing the answers would spell themselves out in the stars. That would sure be helpful. I obviously wasn’t competent enough to make life decisions for myself. I’d gotten married young and watched in horror as that imploded in my face. I spent three years building a business so encompassing I didn’t have time to date or even have a life. Then I met Jack and threw everything away—the heartache, all my big plans, and even gave up my home and business to go overseas with him. Yeah, I was not good at making decisions. But, it had all been worth it. Hadn’t it?
I sighed. The answer wasn’t immediate. Six months ago I would have given a confident, shout it from the rooftops, yes. But now…?
Ironically, it turned out that not having an answer was in fact the answer.
“Holly?”
Jack’s voice carried easily down the beach. I turned and saw him and Princess running up the coast. He slowed his pace when he neared and trotted over. The moonlight highlighted the worry on his face. “What are you doing way out here?”
I glanced behind him, surprised by how far I’d gone. Judging distances wasn’t my strong suit, but based on the size of the normal landmarks I looked for, I’d gone at least a mile or so up the beach. “I didn’t want to wake you,” I said, as if that explained it somehow.
Jack stepped closer and took off his windbreaker. He wrapped it around my shoulders.
That’s when I lost it.
The tears came fast and hot, streaking down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away.
“Holly, baby, what’s the matter?” Jack pulled me into his warm embrace and I sobbed, shaking in his arms. “Holly…please…tell me what’s wrong.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and took deep breaths. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
“Baby, we don’t have to do anything right now. Come on, let’s go back inside.” He started to steer me back toward the house. “We’ll wake up tomorrow and get some breakfast and take a long walk.”
I stopped and dug my heels into the sand. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “We’ll talk and it’ll just go around and around in circles like tonight at dinner.”
He released me and paced a few steps back, putting space between us. “Then tell me what you want, baby. What do you want me to say or do to prove that I’m committed to this? To you? Do you want me to get down on one knee, right here in the sand, and propose all over again? I can rent a skywriter—hell, I could fly the damn thing—if that’s what it takes. You want a wedding date? All right, let’s go inside and look at the calendar. We’ll pick the perfect date tonight.”
“What are we doing, Jack?” I stared out at the slow waves, watching as the moonlight bounced off the crest and then broke as it hit the sand. “How did we get here?”
I flicked a glance at him and he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “I don’t know.”
“I never wanted to turn into this stereotypical woman who nags and begs to get a ring. I don’t want to issue ultimatums or threats to get what I want.” I looked up at him. “To get you.”
“Holly, you already have me.”
I sighed. “No I don’t. Not completely. You’re still searching for something.”
Jack groaned. “Not this again. Holly, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want someone else? I want you.”
I shook my head and my eyes drifted back to the ocean. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Then tell me what you do mean, ’cause I’m totally lost here.”
“You don’t know what you want out of life. Not anymore. The navy is on the back burner and you’re lost. You do realize that tonight you talked about staying in Holiday Cove and opening your own business, something you’ve never mentioned before and then two minutes later you want to run away together and travel the world as backpackers! I don’t know what you want but that’s because at the heart of it, you don’t know what you want. So how can I possibly plan a wedding when in the back of my mind I’ll constantly be worrying that you’re just going through the motions?”
“Holly…how could you think that?” I turned toward him and met his eyes. They were slick and glossy under the moonlight, and I realized with a sharp stab of pain in my heart he was on the verge of tears. He reached for me and grasped my hand. We were lost in the ocean and he was clinging to me like I was a life raft. Half of my heart wanted nothing more to do than to throw myself into his arms and forget our problems for a couple of hours. But it wouldn’t matter. Ignoring them wouldn’t make them go away. They would all come raging back to the surface as soon as the fog cleared. “I love you.”
“I know you do.” I blinked and tears slid past my lashes. “And I love you. More than I ever thought possible.”
Emotion stole my words and I swallowed hard to fight back another wave of tears. I sucked in a ragged breath and started again. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and there is nothing I want more than to build a life with you. I can’t imagine my life without you, but—”
Jack dropped his eyes to the sand between us, that cursed word hanging suspended between us, for a long moment.
“But you have to be sure. I need you to be sure that this is what you really want. I’ve been divorced once and Jack…God, Jack, I can’t do that again. It would rip me into pieces and I’d never be able to stitch myself back together again. As much as I don’t want to lose you, I would rather leave it here and walk away with nothing but love and respect and sweet, precious memories between us. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry and I don’t want that for you either.”
Jack met my eyes and all the air left my lungs at the sight of the tears glistening on his cheeks.
I searched his eyes, looking for any last shred of hope, but the pools looking back at me were dark and conflicted. Pain and sadness and confusion. With shaking fingers, I reached up and swiped away the tears on his cheeks even as fresh tears splashed down my own face. “I need you to be sure.”
Jack kissed me, slow and sad, every last remaining drop of emotion wrung out of us. He swiped his thumb over my cheek as he pulled away, wiping the hot tears away. The moment stretched on, each of us likely wishing we could make promises to change or that it would all turn all right, but no words came out. When his lips left mine, he rested his forehead against mine and nodded a sad, slow nod that tore my heart in two.
After a few more minutes, Jack pressed a kiss to the top of my head and then turned away, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweats as he shuffled up the sand, back to the house. As soon as he’d vanished from my sight, everything broke and the graceful tears I’d shed turned into ugly, loud sobs that were immediately swallowed up by the dull roar of the ocean.
Chapter Fifteen
Jack
There it was. All the proof I needed to know that the night before wasn’t a nightmare…
Holly’s diamond engagement ring on the kitchen island.
I circled the counter, as if the ring was a poisonous viper. I couldn’t bring myself to reach for it. The plush, cushioned box from the jeweler was upstairs, sitting in her fancy jewelry box. I knew I should put it away to keep it safe. But still, I couldn’t. My hand wouldn’t move to pick it up.
The night before was a hazy dream, the edges of the memories we’d made were marred with shadows. When Hunter had barreled down the aisle at the pet store and she appeared half a second later, her hair wild, flying behind her, it was like the day we met all over again. I was still fresh off the conversation with Aaron and Gemma and thought that running into her in such a happenstance way meant something. I had no idea it was the beginning of the end.
The real end.
I picked up the ring and turned it under the pendant lights over the counter. The diamond was nearly two carats, a brilliant round cut that sparkled like crazy. It was beautiful and fiery. Just like Holly. My stomach turned as I continued to stand there and stare at it.
I needed something. A drink. Something to shut down the ball of nerves churning in my stomach.
Princess rammed her head into my leg and I nearly crumpled to the floor. I couldn’t keep upright as the tears blurred my vision. “It’s all right, girl.”
She gave me a look that silently called me on my bullshit.
Nothing was all right and based on the way I was feeling, it wouldn’t be for a long time. After I’d found her on the beach, I’d looped the neighborhood a few times. It was like I couldn’t stop walking. Something about the motion soothed me, or at least took the edge off the burning feeling in my chest. When I eventually came back to the house, her car was gone, Hunter was gone, and her ring was on the counter.
With a heavy sigh, I took the ring upstairs and put it away with all of Holly’s other jewelry. I noticed she’d cleared out a few shelves and drawers but the closet still contained the majority of her clothing. At least I knew I’d get to see her when she came to collect the rest of her things. Maybe by then I’d have some kind of clue of what to say to make things right.
Holly wanted me to figure my shit out. Fair enough. I could do that. God knew she wasn’t the only one that was being driven insane by my lack of direction.
I ate breakfast on the back deck while Princess ran back and forth in the yard, barking at the seagulls that dared to fly into her view, along the edge of the fence. The sun came up nice and slow. It was the perfect day for a flight. I dressed and headed to the airstrip, Princess in tow. She’d become the unofficial museum mascot since Hunter was gone. I couldn’t bear leaving her alone all day even though before Holly and Hunter came along I’d left her alone all day long.
Player didn’t mind. He let Princess nap in his office and kept her well stocked on treats from the jar he kept in his desk. I stopped by his office and Princess ran to his couch and made herself at home. “You spoil her,” I said to Aaron.
He smiled at Princess as she bedded down. “Hey, you’re the one who named her Princess. I’m just following through.”
I chuckled. He knew as well as I did that I didn’t give her the name. She was a rescue dog and while the adoption team had told me I could change her name, she never took to anything else. Apparently unwilling to give up her Princess status.
“You’re in early,” Aaron said. He glanced at his computer monitor. “First tour isn’t till three today.”
“I know. I was hoping to take up that old Beechcraft. I won’t push her too hard.”
“Sure thing. Everything all right?”
“It will be,” I replied. I’d tell him the details later. At the minute, I needed to put some space between my feet and the ground. A few hours lost in the sky would be better than a week’s worth of therapy. Flying always made me feel at ease—even after all my close calls while on duty.
“All right, Boomer. Have a good flight.”
“Thanks.”
No one was at the museum yet. Weekdays were usually slow, except in the middle of the summer when Holiday Cove was crawling with tourists. We only had two flight tours on weekdays, most of them retirees who had the luxury of being able to take advantage of the off-times to get longer, more relaxed flights. Normally, I’d spend a couple of hours working with Aaron, usually stuck doing garage work, and then I’d prepare for my flights. On the weekends, it was all flying. One after another after another.
I went to the hangar, grabbed a set of keys, and then jogged out to the airstrip. The plane was already waiting, fueled up and ready to go. I ran through my normal pre-flight check, then did it once more, making sure not a single thing was missed or out of place. Aaron kept all of his planes in perfect condition but it didn’t take much for something to go wrong. Diligence was essential.
Within an hour of arriving, I was up in the air.
The clouds were perfect, like puffy, white cotton candy, swirling through the clear blue sky. Flying over the ocean was always special to me. Anything near the water really. My mind wandered the higher I got, thoughts and memories, and daydreams all blurring together. After a while, I started to relax and started mentally untangling my life. It had been such a long time since I had the luxury of a quiet flight—no tourists in my ear, wanting to know random facts about the different scenic points or asking how much longer till we’d be back on the ground. Even my flights testing things for Aaron and Nick weren’t quiet because somewhere in the back of my mind I was constantly evaluating how much I trusted their combined mechanical skill when a weird noise would break the serenity of my thoughts.
There was still a residual ache in my chest from the fresh wound. I wanted Holly to be home waiting for me. Monday nights were our traditional night to go out to eat as she would usually have a hectic work day and not have the time—or the desire—to cook. Sometimes we’d go to a movie or out window shopping afterward. Instead, I’d be going home alone, probably with a box of pizza and a six-pack. Or maybe Aaron would take pity on me and insist I stay over for dinner. He and Gemma were the reigning king and queen of takeout and would find something delicious. The idea of being their third wheel wasn’t appealing though. It would just remind me how fucked up my life was.
I couldn’t go back to my old single life. That wouldn’t get me anywhere and it wouldn’t give me a snowball’s chance in hell of getting Holly back. No, I needed more. And she deserved more too. My thoughts tumbled through my mind over and over again like a broken record. I had to do something.
On my way back to the airstrip, a break in the clouds opened up the sky and a bright beam of sunshine came through, bathing the ocean in glittering light.
By the time I touched down, I knew what I wanted to do.
Chapter Sixteen
Holly
Six weeks later…
“H
olly, do you happen to have those worksheets ready?”
I glanced up at the sound of Noah’s voice. He was standing in my doorway, wearing the devilishly handsome smile that came to him as naturally as breathing. “I just emailed them over to you. Do you want a hard copy?”
He shook his head, still smiling. “No, that’s all right. I must have just missed the email.”
I reached for a strand of hair, only to remember it was all tucked back in a sleek chignon. I touched my earring instead and then dropped my hand back to the keyboard. “When are you leaving for the airport?”
He pulled back the sleeve of his grey suit jacket and consulted the exquisite timepiece on his wrist. “I have about an hour. I wanted to get a look at those figures before I head out though.”
“Well, have a safe trip,” I said with a smile. I’d learned that Noah was quite the jetsetter. He frequently flew back and forth from the East to West coasts and had started working on a project up in Toronto as well. The man wasn’t short on ambition.
“Thanks, Holly. You need anything before I go?”
I shook my head. “I’m all set.”
“At least, tell me you’re actually taking a little time off. That’s what you’re supposed to do when the boss leaves the office. Kick off your shoes, duck out for an early happy hour.”
I laughed. “Kind of a while the cat’s away thing?”
“Exactly.” He stepped into my office and pocketed his hands. His smile faded into a more serious expression as his eyes met mine. “I know it’s not my place to pry, but if there’s ever anything you need, you let me know. Okay?”
Warmth flushed my cheeks. Noah knew I was no longer engaged, though he hadn’t asked me directly. I hadn’t worn my ring for the past six weeks and while my desk had framed pictures of Rachel and me at the beach, Hunter as a puppy, and a shot Carly had taken of Hunter and Princess on a hike over the summer, there were no traces of Jack. I didn’t know why it bothered me that he knew I was single, and had very recently gone through a breakup, but there was something about it that prickled at my skin.