"I’ll pick you up at your place for 6:30. Cool?"
"Cool," I breathe.
It takes me several minutes to de-Jello my legs and get both my heart rate and libido under control. In just three weeks, I’ve gone from hit and run to seriously considering pursuing whatever it is that Cliff and I have. The prospect is both terrifying and thrilling—mostly because I have no idea whether we’re both interested in the same things.
There’s only one way to find out, though.
11
Cliff
"So," Lucy asks, strapping herself into the passenger seat, "what’s going on between you and my little sister?"
The way she says my little sister is so fiercely protective, I glance at her. The expression on her face is just as fierce, her brows furrowed, eyes slits that imply a threat behind the words. And I believe it.
"I thought you didn’t want to know," I reply, treading carefully. My hands grip the steering wheel, and I wish that we could just get on with it. Asking Lucy for a refresher course on driving a car involved way more pride swallowing than I’d bargained for. It’s not that she was mean or anything. I just feel like a loser.
Lucy taps her lower lip. "I guess I don’t. But I also do." She twists in her seat to face me. "Does that make sense?"
“Of course it does." I glance around the industrial park. Too many memories here. Ironically enough, it was my father who taught me how to drive when I was fifteen. I just never got my license.
"Just promise me something," Lucy continues. "Be . . . careful with Olivia. She’s not really the settle down and get married type."
I snort. "And you are?"
"Of course not." She scowls. "But you are, and Livvie breaks hearts for a living."
Smirking, I cock my head at her. "How do you know I’m all about the hearts and flowers?"
"You kissed my fucking boo-boos when I was like three, dude." Lucy’s green eyes pin me. "And you had the biggest crush on that girl that lived next door to you. Said you were gonna marry her someday."
Violet. I nod, remembering. "I was a kid, Luce."
"So you’re telling me you just want to bang my sister and leave her hanging?" The glare she skewers me with is so badass, it’s funny.
But I don’t laugh. I get the feeling this conversation is important to Lucy. It’s similar to a "What are your intentions, son?" talk with a father. I sigh. "I don’t know, Luce." I spread my hands. "I like her, but . . ."
She lifts both eyebrows, encouraging me to continue.
There are no words to explain how I’m feeling. Olivia frustrates me, in a good way. A dangerously good way. I probably don’t need that in my life right now. My priorities should be keeping my P.O. happy and making sure the M/C isn’t dragging me into the one-percent life. Wedding bells and babies are not one of those priorities. I try to picture Olivia in a white dress.
The image is so good, it shocks me.
I hurry to light a cigarette, shaking my head. "She should stay away from me, Luce," I say softly, staring at the empty parking lot through the windshield.
"No." The single word is forceful.
I turn to look at my cousin, confused. One minute she’s interrogating me, the next she’s upset that I want Olivia to stay away. "Why the hell not?"
"Because," she says, “you look good together. I have a feeling about you two."
Now I laugh. "Yeah? Because your feelings are so dead on."
"I was right about you," she says, her voice small.
I freeze, the laughter dying on my lips.
"No one else wanted to help me. But I knew you would protect me. You promised, remember?" She grabs my hand, giving me a gentle smile.
Nodding, I suck in a deep breath. "Luce, you don’t have to talk about it."
"But I do. I remember everything." Her grip on my hand tightens. "I told my parents, and they didn’t believe me. So then I told you."
This story is too familiar. I already know how it ends. And I don’t want to talk about it, I realize. Because deep down, some part of me resents Lucy. I bow my head.
"It’s okay," she whispers. "I know. And it’s okay."
I glance up at her. The emotions swimming in her eyes must mirror mine. I swallow hard. "It’s not okay," I force out. "Because it wasn’t an accident."
She bites her lip. "You did what you had to do."
"I thought I was doing it for you." Blinking, I see a flash of the past, Lucy huddled in the corner of the kitchen, those green eyes locked on mine. Her face pale, small body shaking in shock. And me, towering over my father’s lifeless body, his blood still hot and wet on my hands. I hadn’t even hesitated. There was no question. "I liked it, Luce. I was high on it." Even though I’m looking at the adult sitting next to me, all I can see is the little girl in the kitchen with the monster standing in front of her. "And I hurt you," I finish, lifting the cigarette to my lips with shaking fingers.
She scoffs. "You didn’t hurt me. I was scared. And I’d never seen anything . . . like that before." She squeezes my hand again. "Cliff, you saved me. He would’ve done it again and again. And no one else was going to stop him. I sure as fuck couldn’t." Green eyes tug me back into the present, back from the edge.
"I shoved you into that cabinet," I say between gritted teeth. "If the cops hadn’t come—"
Her gaze holds me. "You didn’t shove me. You were trying to keep me safe from him." She shakes her head. "Jesus, Cliff. Why are you making yourself out to be the bad guy? I was there, too. And I know you. I know what I saw."
I don’t know why I expected her to understand. She can’t possibly feel what I do. Only when you become the monster do you understand the power that comes with taking a life. It’s still there, whispering to me.
"It was so easy." I finish the cigarette, flicking it out the window. "He didn’t even beg, didn’t even apologize. Sometimes I wonder if I still would’ve done it."
"There’s no point in torturing yourself," Lucy says. "What’s done is done. All you can do is continue being a good man. Because you are, Cliff. You doubt yourself, but I’ve never doubted who you are. You’re not the bad guy in this story."
This conversation is just depressing. I thought Lucy was the only person in the world who understands me, but she doesn’t know me at all. It’s just another wedge between us.
I shift the car into drive. "Thanks, Luce." One corner of my mouth lifts in what I hope is a convincing smile. "All right, kid. Teach me how to drive."
We spend the next hour brushing me up on the basics. It’s muscle memory, really, because soon I’m zipping around the empty lot. Parallel parking is the only thing I can’t do, but I never nailed it as a teenager, either. Lucy shows me a trick for backing into spaces, assuring me that I’ll definitely pass my driver’s license test.
"As long as they forget to have you parallel park," she says.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Just being honest." She pats my shoulder. "All right, take us home."
It’s not the same as riding a hog, but I handle the car well enough, bringing us back to Lucy’s condo in one piece. Part of me wonders if it’s even worth getting a driver’s license. All I want to do is ride. But Lucy and even most of my new brothers agree that if I’m going to go legit, I might as well get both.
"That was smooth," Lucy compliments me as we pull into her driveway. "So where are you taking Livvie tonight?"
I grunt. "Just work. Then maybe somewhere after. I don’t know." I peek at her out of the corner of one eye. "Where should I take her?"
She covers a smile with her hand. "That late at night?" She lifts an eyebrow at me.
I slump back in my seat. "Straight home, I guess."
"Good boy." Planting a quick kiss on my cheek, she unbuckles her seatbelt. "Behave, kids." She slides out and waves goodbye, then disappears inside.
I head to Olivia’s, 99.1 PLR’s broadcast of songs I grew up with cranking out of the speakers as I navigate the back roads to avoid being pull
ed over. It’s a bit unnerving, knowing that music from my childhood is now considered classic rock. The world moved on while I was inside.
I pull up in front of her apartment, the engine idling while I try to decide whether to get out and knock on the door. It would be the gentlemanly thing to do, but I don’t know whether we’re dating. I don’t know what we’re doing at all.
I get out anyway and jog up to the front door. A tiny meow greets me from the other side, giving me away. I knock and then back off a couple steps. I don’t want to look too eager.
The door swings open a crack. A Puerto Rican woman wearing nothing but a bathrobe peers out at me. She’s about Olivia’s age, and the look on her face is suspicious at best. "Who the fuck are you?"
I open my mouth to answer, but Olivia marches up behind the other woman.
"It’s just Cliff," she says, grinning at me.
Her roommate opens the door all the way, scowling the whole time, but she moves aside so I can come in.
Olivia hugs me with one arm, an orange furball tucked into the crook of her other arm. She lifts a hand toward her roommate. “This is Esther."
I nod at Esther. "Nice to meet you."
She hmphs and stalks away into her bedroom.
"Not very friendly, huh?" I nod toward Esther’s room.
"Esther? She’s just having a bad day," Olivia says. She holds the kitten out to me.
Dio sniffs at my hand, then gives my fingers a hearty rub. Instant friendship. I scratch behind an ear.
Olivia pushes him into my arms. "Get to know each other. I just need to finish getting ready." She disappears into her bedroom.
Standing in the middle of the kitchenette, I exchange bro looks with Dio. "That’s code for 'I’ll be out in an hour.'" I carry him to the futon. He stretches out belly up in my lap, eyes imploring me to get rubbing. This cat is more dog than anything else. I oblige, absently scratching under his chin and stroking his tiny belly. A loud purr vibrates from him, and a laugh escapes my lips. "You got any brothers or sisters, Dio?" Lucy’s is quiet and empty during the day. I could use the company.
Olivia emerges a few minutes later. The dark jeans she’s wearing hug her curves, her cream colored sweater snug around her hips and breasts. It’s going to be really hard to just drop her off at home and then leave tonight.
"Ready?" She lifts Dio from my lap and plants a kiss on the soft spot between his eyes. "No wild parties, okay?" She releases him onto the floor, where he chases a catnip mouse that’s almost as big as he is.
Linking arms with me, she calls out "Have a good night!” to Esther and tugs me out the door.
"There’s a diner open 24/7," she says as we walk to the car. "I figured maybe we can grab something there after work?"
My shoulders relax. I don’t have to write off the night with her, after all. "Cool."
The drive to The Wet Mermaid is short, but the silence between us is comfortable. Familiar. I park in the back and shut off the engine, listening to it tick as the car cools. I should probably say something boyfriend-like, test the waters. But I don’t know what to say. Lucy is right—Olivia is as independent as a cat. I don’t want to scare her away.
"We’d better go in," Olivia says, pushing open her door.
I follow her inside, but Beer Can flags me down.
"Can you start right now?" he asks, grimacing. "I’ve gotta piss."
Nodding, I let him go. I watch Olivia set up her station, chatting with a few regulars who are already lit for the night. The smile she gives them is friendly but guarded. It’s not the same open smile that she gives me.
Or maybe I’m kidding myself.
All throughout the night, I can barely take my eyes off her. The way she tucks those wild curls behind a tiny ear. How she nods politely while strangers tell her about their troubles. Olivia is a good girl. She has no business being with someone like me.
I have to let her go.
Finally we close. My responsibilities are technically done with for the night, but I’m still her ride home, despite what I’ve decided. I help wipe down tables and put up chairs. There’s a sullen energy in the air. It’s not just me who feels it.
Several of my brothers pour themselves after-hours drinks and head to Church. Something is up with the club, but as a Prospect, I’m not privy to it. Frowning, I watch the stragglers trickle in. Vinny is the last one in, and he closes the door behind him with a heavy thud. My frown deepens.
"I’m all punched out." Olivia bumps my hip with hers as she joins me. "Ready?"
I nod toward the door. "Any idea what’s going on?"
She nibbles on her lower lip. "Just club business. Why?"
Shrugging, I lean against the wall. "I don’t know. Just have a bad feeling."
Her faces scrunches up. "So serious." She grabs my hand. "Come on. Let’s get out of here and enjoy what’s left of the night before they make us mop or something."
Lips pressed together, I follow her out to the car. The night is quiet, heavy like my thoughts. I start the engine, already regretting my decision. It’s for her own good. I have to remember that.
"Just a heads up, the diner’s food is really, really bad," Olivia says with a laugh. "But it’s the only choice we’ve got."
I say nothing and head toward her apartment. Part of me screams to turn around, to go to the diner like we’d planned. But what kind of man would I be if I dragged someone like Olivia into this life?
My hands clench around the steering wheel.
"Cliff," Olivia says, puzzled. "The diner’s in the opposite direction."
My jaw tightens. I have to keep my resolve.
"We’re not going out, are we." It’s a statement, not a question, her voice full of dejection.
It occurs to me that she wanted this just as much as I did.
"Fuck," I say, and swing into a side street. When I glance over at her, she’s grinning.
"You can’t say no to me." She laughs.
"That’s half my problem," I reply, guiding the car toward the diner. It’s an old restaurant—one that was around ages before I was put away. I don’t tell her that I’ve been to the Athenian II a million times before, that it was a popular post-prom hangout when I was in high school. It was also a good place to get food after a party in the woods got busted.
I grin. I have a lot of great memories of this place, and it seems it’s time to add one more.
When I pull into the parking lot, though, it’s immediately obvious that something isn’t right. Weeds poke up through the cracks in the pavement. The big sign outside, yellow with age and weather, is unlit. All of the windows are dark, too.
"Well, shit," Olivia says. "I never thought I’d see the day."
"I guess all of those health code violations finally caught up to them.” I laugh.
"What are we gonna do now?"
I bite back a dirty suggestion. Glancing across the street, I spot a Taco Bell.
She follows my gaze. "Oh no. We had enough of that shit in Pennsylvania."
Tucking my upper lip into my lower one, I pout, giving her sad brown eyes.
"Don’t play the ex-con card with me. Do you even know what’s in that shit?"
I deepen the puppy face.
"I really wanted ice cream." She sighs, eyeing the closed diner longingly. "McDonald’s over on Lakewood has ice cream . . ." She wiggles her eyebrows at me.
I pretend to consider it, a corner of my mouth lifting in deep thought. "Big Mac or Crunchwrap," I ponder out loud.
She swats me in the arm and chants "Ice cream, ice cream!"
Grinning, I maneuver the car out of the diner’s overgrown parking lot and head toward McDonald’s. It’s right on the next street over, so it really isn’t a big deal. Plus, it doesn’t interrupt our plans. Despite how much I know I should walk away, I can’t deny how I feel.
I get a Big Mac and a giant McFlurry with M&Ms for my little ice cream junkie, and we share a large fry and soda. I pull into the dim back lot behind the Taco Bell p
laza and we munch in silence. Everything with her is so comfortable and easy. It can’t stay that way forever. Sooner or later, I’ll have to choose. Or she will.
Olivia is going to be a social worker. I know which choice she’ll make.
"So," she says after she’s put away that giant ice cream. She lights two cigarettes and passes one to me.
I’m so full, I can barely move. "I should probably lay off the fast food, but it’s so good. They must put crack in it."
She laughs. “Something like that."
We smoke in silence for several long beats. Then she turns to me, putting a hand on my arm. She takes a deep breath.
"Cliff," she says.
I cock my head and nod for her to go on. Amusement flickers in her eyes at the gesture, and I laugh out loud. “You can take the man out of prison, but you can’t take prison out of the man.”
She bobs her head. "Yeah, I know." Pressing her lips together, she seems to be considering something.
"Just lay it out," I tell her. "It’s you and me."
"Yeah," she says slowly, "that’s kind of the thing." She taps ash out the window. "Look, I’m sure you’re in no rush. I mean, I thought I wasn’t. But I’m kind of wondering—you know, no pressure—well . . ." Those luminous eyes latch onto mine. "What are we doing here, Cliff?"
My first inclination is to state the obvious. I know she means more than that, though. "What do you think we’re doing?" I ask, my voice gentle.
She bites her lip. "When you called me today, I guess I kind of thought you were asking me out." She sucks in her cheeks, eyes widening. "But if I was wrong, I’m sorry," she says quickly.
"I’m not really sure what I’m doing, Liv." I sigh, tipping my head back. Suddenly the car is too hot. I shut the heat off. This is the part where I tell her we can’t be together, that twice was enough. This has to stop. But I don’t want to.
A Disturbing Prospect (River Reapers Motorcycle Club Book 1) Page 11