“Can I go with you?” I asked. “Apartment hunting?”
“I would love that. Okay, goodnight Tori.”
“Night, Mom.”
I glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight, so I didn’t want to call James. But I figured I owed him an apology. He might act like an asshole sometimes, but he was still my brother. And who knew how he was handling our parents’ divorce anyway.
Me: Hey. Sorry I suck. I’ll be home soon. I talked to mom. I hope you’re doing okay.
To my surprise, he texted back right away. I held my breath, waiting for whatever insults he wanted to throw my way.
James: Hey. Dad told me what happened. Sorry for being a dick… I didn’t know about Dad. It’s fucked up. But he told me that he had dumped that shit on you, so I don’t blame you for not wanting to come home.
Me: Dad told you?
James: Yeah. He told me about the first time, when you caught him in his office. Fucking gross. And then he told me about you discovering he was up to his old tricks. He told me I should go easy on you. So, I am.
My dad had stood up for me to James.
How funny it was that I had wondered at my complicated feelings for Liam, when I held such complicated feelings for my own father.
24
I stared down at the greyhound in front of me, watching as the ice slowly melted, diluting the drink further and further while it remained untouched.
“How are you doing?” Seth asked for probably the fifth time.
“I’ve been better.”
“I can’t believe what Vince said. Fucking asshole.”
I waved it off. “He isn’t entirely wrong. But I don’t know, Seth. I just don’t think we are the friends we thought we were.”
“Probably not. You can’t really come back after saying shit like that.” Seth sighed. “I’m pretty fucking pissed at him myself. This week has been a shitshow.”
“What are we going to do after he goes home to San Diego?”
“I talked to Nicole. I’ll go out to see him. Things aren’t ever going to be the same, though.”
Staring down at the grain in the bar, I said, “No, they won’t.”
“That’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?”
I shook my head.
“Tori?”
I sighed and pushed the drink away from me. Though I had agreed to join Seth, I didn’t feel good about it. I should have given her context to the conversation I had had with Vince, to reassure her that I didn’t actually feel that way about her. But then again, she had given me no indication that her own feelings were more than temporary, that we would last beyond this week. I felt adrift, alone, aching.
“Yeah, Tori.”
“Thought so.” Seth tipped back his beer. “You really like her, don’t you?”
“I think it’s a bit more than ‘like.’”
“Shit.” He let out a low whistle. “The big guns, huh?”
“But it’s only been a week. It doesn’t make sense.”
“A week’s all it took for me. With Nicole. I saw her at a bar, convinced her to come home with me, and she never left.”
“Really?” I guess Seth and I had never talked about this.
“I’m serious. I conned her into going home with me three summers ago. The next morning, we had our first date and it just lasted through the week. Actually, I don’t even think we talked intentionally about moving in together. One day I just made some room in my dresser and closets and her stuff magically showed up.”
“I knew you met at a bar, but I guess I thought you guys took it slow.”
“Nope. I proposed two months after I met her.”
“How did you know? That she was the one?”
“One morning, I woke up to her all snuggled into my side.” He patted his ribs. “And I thought, ‘Damn, I don’t want another morning waking up without her.’”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.” He peered at his bottle. “That’s not to say things are perfect. Of course they’re not. We have our fights. But neither of us wants to run away from the other, so I figure that’s a pretty good sign that we’ll stick through our arguments in the future. You just have to know that you would rather fight with someone than be without them. And then keep fighting with them, for them, until you figure out that you’re fighting for the same thing.”
He raised his bottle, gesturing for another drink. “The best thing I ever did was choose not to walk away from Nicole when she wanted me to. When she was up to her eyeballs in schoolwork and things just felt like too much for her all at once, she pushed me away, told me to leave. She couldn’t do both, she said. It would’ve been easier to listen to her, but you have to choose the hard parts too. It’s not all sunshine and fucking rainbows, let me tell you.”
“So what’d you do?”
Seth grinned. “I parked my ass outside of our bedroom and stayed there until she was hungry. Then I brought her food and parked my ass again. Eventually, when all the external bullshit wasn’t an issue anymore, she came out and cried and apologized and we made up.”
If I knew which room Tori was in, I would park my ass outside of it. But since I didn’t, I needed to figure out another way to prove to her that I was in this for the long-term, no matter what. I hated that she had gone to her own hotel room. After days of sharing one with her, the thing I wanted most was to bring her back to my house, to lay her out among the pillows. To not take her for granted.
“He was wrong, you know.”
I turned to Seth. “What?”
“Vince. That shit he was saying. He was wrong.”
I shrugged. “Some of it, he wasn’t wrong. I should have been there with Will.”
“It wouldn’t have changed the outcome.” When I opened my mouth to argue, Seth shook his head to silence me. “No, listen. Ultimately, Will died doing what he loved. That’s how Deb and Bob reconcile his death. Think it’s easy for them, losing a son still in his twenties? Fuck no. But he died doing something he loved. That’s how Will would have wanted it. He would have kept chasing his next high to the ends of the earth until it claimed his life. It could have happened in the Andes—when he went by himself—or New Zealand, or Austria. It’s shitty that it happened, but it was inevitable. He wasn’t invincible. He was as human as you and me.”
“He was more human. More adventurous.”
“Liam, hear what I’m saying.” He dropped his hand onto my shoulder and pulled me closer. “You had a shitty dad. You witnessed abuse. You saw what it did to your mom. Your mom died before you finished college. It’s not surprising that these events sobered you to the perils of being human; it’s not surprising that you didn’t want to take the same risks that Will did. Will had the privileges of having an unbroken family, of having unwavering support—you didn’t. So, stop comparing yourself to him. Stop asking yourself what you could have changed because—as fucking miserable as it is—you can’t change the fact that we’re going to bury our best friend tomorrow.” He dropped his hand and signaled for the check. “You can change your path going forward, though. If you want Tori, tell her. Even if it scares her. Even if it scares you.”
25
There had not been a question in my mind about going to Will’s funeral. Liam and I hadn’t spoken since our walk to the hotel, but that didn’t matter.
I squared my shoulders in the mirror, tugging on the black dress I had picked up that morning. There was a darkness around my eyes that wasn’t there a week before, a souvenir I supposed after my night of not sleeping. I had tossed and turned the whole time, debating with myself about texting him. I typed out the message at least a dozen times before deleting it each and every single time, too chicken shit to send anything. This would be a hard day for him, and the last thing I needed to do was to pull his attention away from his best friend.
I arrived at the cemetery before everyone else. I knew that Deb and Bob were having a private—family only—viewing at the funeral home and then traveling here after. I s
aw the fresh hole in the ground, the placeholder above it for the gravestone Deb and Bob had ordered.
Crouching, I placed my hand on the hallowed ground just above where his casket would eventually be lowered. Will’s body wasn’t here, but this would be his final resting place.
I thought of how awful it was that I never got to meet the man that Liam loved so much. I thought of the terrible timing of everything, realizing that if it wasn’t for Will’s funeral, I would probably never have met Liam. It was unfathomable that a man that was just a dare a week ago would come to mean so much to me. But there it was.
I pressed my hand into the dirt for a long moment. “Wherever you are,” I said, “thank you for bringing Liam into my life.” It was the only explanation. Will had a larger than life personality. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a hand in bringing us together. When I stood, my legs shook.
“You came.”
I spun around, facing Liam.
We were all alone in the cemetery except for the birds that whistled to us from the branches above. Liam wore a black suit with a black dress shirt and tie. We had matching under-eye circles, I noticed, and I took a step toward him.
“About last night,” he said, and I shook my head to shush him.
“We can talk after,” I promised. “I wanted to get here early, to pay my respects to his final resting place.”
“Are you going back to Idaho after this?”
Did he have to look at me with his eyes as sad as they were, when he asked that question?
I could only nod.
His mouth set in a line and he nodded, looking down. I wanted to tell him I was going home, but—at least in my mind—that didn’t mean it was the end of us. But the funeral procession was pulling into the cemetery and having a heart to heart over his best friend’s grave was not the way I wanted to tell Liam that I cared for him.
Dozens of cars pulled into the cemetery following the hearse. Liam left me to join Vince, Chad, Seth, and Bob as pallbearers.
In the crowd, I saw Deb and made my way to her. Naomi and Nicole weren’t far behind and upon seeing me, we hugged. When I made it to Deb, she hugged me even tighter. I could feel the quiver in her body, so I held her tighter.
When I pulled away, my eyes were wet. It didn’t matter that I had never met Will. I’d grown to care a lot about the people who loved him and seeing their pain affected me.
The men carefully carried the glossy white casket to the hole and gently set it over the ropes that would eventually lower it into the ground. Deb joined her husband as the men dispersed. Seth and Chad came to Nicole and Naomi’s sides, respectively, and when Liam lifted his head, his gaze met mine. His eyes were so profoundly sad; it pierced my chest to see how shattered he was.
After one long moment, he moved through the crowd until he stopped at my side. My hand found his and held, accepting his squeeze of thanks. With my other hand, I reached across to hold his wrist.
A pastor said some words, but I barely registered what was spoken. A prayer was said and then the casket was lowered into the ground. Deb and Bob threw roses over it and turned away. A sob ripped from Deb’s throat, like it had been waiting all along for an escape.
Though he held my hand, I could feel Liam’s answering tremble. The crowd slowly broke up around us, people leaving to hug Deb and Bob or others. Beside me, Nicole turned to Seth and they hugged for a long, long time.
Naomi came beside me and hugged me again, but my arm was still around Liam. I didn’t want to let go.
“I’m sorry for last night,” she said in my ear. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. This is so hard.” Her bottom lip trembled, and tears stained her cheeks beneath her large sunglasses. “I grew up with these guys. I’m protective of them.”
“I know,” I told her, because I did. I understood.
“Vince was wrong, what he said. He needs help. I guess I didn’t want to see it fully. You know, I watched him go off to war more than once. I know how difficult his life has been. It’s hard to watch your heroes fall.”
Boy, did I understand that. “It’s okay,” I assured her.
“You’re going home, aren’t you?”
I could only nod. Thinking about home, leaving all of these people, made the lump in my throat grow tenfold.
“We’ll miss you.” Her gaze flickered to Liam. “All of us.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
“Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
“I won’t.”
Nicole hugged me again next. She held on longer than Naomi did, so long that tears built up in my eyes. “Oh, shit,” she said when she pulled away and saw my face. “And you don’t even have sunglasses. Oh, I’m sorry.” She dug in her purse and shoved some tissues in my hands. “God, this sucks.”
“It does.” Seth came up behind us, wrapping his arms around our shoulders. “I hear you’re leaving us, Tori.”
I nodded again.
“Thank God. I was wondering when I would regain my Nerts crown.”
Nicole and I laughed, and she elbowed him in the ribs. “That just means she needs to come back the next time we’re in town and swipe it from you again.”
“Well, when’s that?”
The smile slid from my lips. “It depends.”
“I think Tori and I need to talk,” Liam said, speaking for the first time since before the funeral had begun.
My heart hammered in my throat, putting a painful kind of pressure on the lump that remained there.
Liam led me away from the group, near where his truck was parked just outside the cemetery. As he faced me, I realized for the first time that his cheeks were wet with tears. Behind his sunglasses, I couldn’t see his eyes, but it was clear that he’d been crying. Something broke within me.
“Oh, Liam.” I gripped the lapels of his jacket and pressed my face into his chest. His arms came around me and held me still. I slid my hands under his jacket, around his back where I clasped them. Even if he wanted to, I wasn’t going to let him out of my grasp any time soon. “I am so very sorry.”
“It’s so fucked up,” Liam finally managed, his voice watery. “I heard what you said, at his graveside. You’re right. I wouldn’t have met you without him. If it wasn’t for this week, you would have returned to Idaho—back to your life—and I would have been alone at my house, not knowing that somewhere in the world, there is a woman whose laugh lights me up even when it feels dark, who makes my chest feel like an empty auditorium when she isn’t near me, a woman whose heartbeat sounds like home.”
Well, after that, whatever doubt I held about my own feelings for Liam had disappeared leaving in its place the ache of knowing I loved him.
26
Hastily I wiped the back of my hands over my cheeks.
“Do you want to sit in your truck?” Tori asked, as if she could read my mind before I could hear its thoughts.
In answer, I hit the unlock button and we climbed in. Tori wasted no space, sliding right onto my lap, her arms tight around my neck, giving me everything I needed. Was it any wonder that I loved her?
“I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess,” I said in her hair.
“I am too.” She pressed a kiss to the side of my face. “We can be messy together.”
Something about the way she said that gave me hope I hadn’t thought to feel. I had come prepared to tell her I wasn’t letting her go without giving me a chance to prove to her why we could last outside of this week. But her offer of us, together, resonated in me. I pulled back to look her in the face. I could see how tired she was, but even still, she was beautiful. Sunshine, on a day drenched in sadness.
“I’m sorry about Vince. He doesn’t know shit.” Our friendship was irrevocably severed after this week—that much was obvious. It didn’t matter how much history you had with someone, the things he said weren’t words you could erase from your memory. “I tried it your way—the temporary shit. I told Vince not to call you my girlfriend because I didn’t want to scare you away. I
wanted to ease you into it.”
“From wife to girlfriend,” Tori said with a laugh. “Who would have guessed that was an upgrade?”
“That’s what I want, Tori. I know we promised not to talk about futures, but when I look at mine, I see you so clearly in it.” I cradled her face in my hands. “I don’t want what-ifs with you. I want what is. I want us, in all the ways that we are—together.”
“Whoa.” She put her hand on my chest, not to push me away but to hold herself to me.
“Whoa is a great descriptor for how I feel. The question is, how do you feel?”
She pursed her lips. “I feel like I need to at least try to push you away. That’s what I do, I push people away.”
I relaxed slightly against the seat. “Go for it. Try your worst.”
“I’m crazy.”
“I want your crazy.”
The smallest smile curled her lips. “Fine, that was good.”
“Push me away; I’ll just come back.”
“Okay… I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school. I’ve been too much of a coward.”
“I told you once before you’re not a coward. And you’ve never had a serious boyfriend because they haven’t been me.”
“Oooh,” she said, her smile growing wider. “That’s slick.”
“I told you, I’m serious.”
“My family is fucked up. My dad told my mom he was cheating again, and now she’s apartment shopping.”
I tilted my head. “Are you still trying to push me away, or are you stating facts.”
“Oh,” she said with a shake of her head. “No, I’ve already abandoned trying to push you away. Now I’m just telling you how much of a mess I am.”
“Well, my dad is in prison, so…”
“Okay,” she conceded. “You win. You’re messier than I am.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and leaned forward. “I should not like you as much as I do for how long we’ve known each other.”
One Little Dare Page 21