by Ivy Fox
“I’m no one. I’m nothing.”
“That’s what I thought you would say,” he mumbles defeatedly, his gaze shifting to my mother, who is leaning against my bedroom’s doorframe.
I raise my torso up on the bed, eyeing them both.
“Is this some sort of intervention? Just because I got wasted one night?”
“No, Chadwick. This is just two parents who love you very much and are worried about you,” my mother explains, walking into the room and sitting on the other side of my bed.
“I’m so sorry about what happened between you, Elle, and Santiago. Although it does explain why he’s been absent from our sessions.”
“Is that why you’re here? Because you miss your star patient?” I seethe.
“No. I’m here because I’m worried about my boy. Your mental wellbeing and happiness is the only thing that concerns me.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, son. You’re not. But I promise you that you will be. Time will mend your broken heart. I promise you that. Everything else, your dad and I will be here to see you through. You’re not alone, Chadwick. You never were. I’m sorry if we ever made you feel like that.”
Her words create a pang in my chest, and again I find myself rubbing at the empty space inside.
“Just let us be here for you, son. Let us help.”
I nod in defeat, closing my eyes to keep my tears at bay.
They can try, but neither they nor time can ever heal this wound I’ve created. They might have the best intentions, but one truth still remains.
I’ll never be able to love like that again.
Elle and Saint are my heart and soul.
No man can live a full life with neither.
Chapter 18
Saint
I watch her watch him.
It’s the oddest feeling, and yet it’s something I should be accustomed to by now—wanting someone who wants somebody else. Seems like it’s the reoccurring theme to my whole fucking life.
Why am I not enough for her?
Why am I not enough for him?
These thoughts plague my mind, the maddening self-doubt seeping further into my pores as I silently walk in her direction. With each longing stare that she gives him, my heart shatters. I should just say fuck it and leave Princess the hell alone. Why continue to bind her to me when all she wants is him?
As I get closer, my eyes follow her stare and land on Boy Scout sitting on the edge of the fountain in the center of the quad, looking utterly and completely lost. He’s grown thinner these past few weeks, his face gaunt with exhaustion from all the sleepless nights he’s probably been having. There are rings under his eyes, and that bright sparkle that I used to live for in his emerald gaze no longer shines.
Just looking at him breaks my heart.
He sits there in complete isolation, trapped in his thoughts and battling his demons all by his lonesome.
Before our world went to shit, I could always count on Blondie being surrounded by a swarm of people, be it his basketball teammates or his student council peers, or basically anyone that wanted to bask in the light of Pembroke High’s golden boy. That’s not the case now. Instead, everyone scatters away, unwilling to give him a shoulder to cry on or whisper words of encouragement that he’ll get through whatever it is he’s going through.
I used to think I was the loner in this school, misunderstood and misrepresented, but it only takes looking at him now to know that was never the case. I was never alone because I had him, and while I was under the assumption that he had the world at his feet, in reality, all Boy Scout really had was me.
Me and Princess.
As my gaze drifts back to his other half, I see her shoulders tense, and I know she’s thinking the same thing. I bridge the gap between us and wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She stiffens for just a heartbeat, but the minute I place my chin on her shoulder, she melts into my chest.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where did you go?”
“The twins and Holland skipped class again today to visit Rome. So, I spent my free period doing damage control with Principal Green. No way am I going to let him use their absence as an excuse to kick them out of Pembroke.”
“Hmm. Are you still going to Rikers after school today?”
She nods, her gaze never wavering from our lost boy.
“Do you want me to come with you?” I ask softly.
“What about swim practice? And work? Aren’t you supposed to go to the garage today?”
“I’ll do some quick laps at your place when I take you home later and call in sick for work. That is if you want me to come with you?” I ask, tipping her chin toward me.
She rises on the balls of her feet and places a chaste kiss on my lips.
“I’d like that. Thank you.”
She then moves her attention from me to back to him, leaning her head against my shoulder.
“Do you miss him, Princess?” I hush in her ear, placing a gentle kiss behind the small sliver of skin behind it.
She shivers in my hold but nods.
“Don’t you?” she whispers back.
“Every fucking second of every goddamn day.”
She grins and tightly hugs my arms around her.
“You always did have a way with words.”
“Words are cheap. Might as well say what you mean when you mean it.”
She lets out a small sigh.
“Maybe we should talk to him.”
She worries her lower lip, bowing her eyes to the floor, unable to look at Boy Scout any longer.
“Elle, look at me,” I ask, turning her around in my embrace, her back now fully to him.
Her amber eyes that I once compared to the devil himself seem like golden jewels whose only intent is to burn me from within.
“He will come around. Sooner or later, he will fight. For one of us at least, and then we’ll know.”
For you, cariño.
He’ll fight for you.
And then I’ll be the one left in the cold.
“How can you be so sure?” she asks, unaware of my torment.
“I’m not. Hell, he might just pussy out and never fight for either one of us. But one thing Boy Scout taught me is that you need to have faith in the people you love. Sometimes they can surprise you.”
A small grin crests her cherry lips, making mine latch onto them to taste their sweetness. Like sweet summer wine. She moans into my mouth, my cock instantly itching to get her alone and soak in her love.
Who knows how much more time I’ll have left?
In the back of my mind, the sound of a beating clock taunts me, mocking me with each precious second that passes by, reminding me that they could be my last. While Princess is unsure if Boy Scout will ever snap out of his melancholy and realize that all he has to do is get on his knees and beg her for forgiveness, show her some fucking true remorse, I feel it in my bones that that day is fast approaching.
I pour everything I feel for her into this one kiss, knowing that it might be my last. Reluctantly, she pulls away, breaking the spell she cast on me.
“What was that for?” she asks breathlessly, eyes twinkling.
“You’re my girl, right? Kissing comes with the deal, Princess.” I cock a smirk, trying my best to hide my agony.
“It does, huh?”
“Yep. You should have read the fine print when you signed on to be my girlfriend.”
“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind in the future,” she teases, making me want to kiss the pink lip gloss off her lips again.“Boyfriends also walk their girls to their next class, don’t they?”
“Argh. Seems like a lot of hard work to me.”
“I’ll make it worth your while. Class doesn’t start for another ten minutes. I’m sure we can find an empty broom closet on the way.” She wiggles her brows, pulling at my hand and throwing me a mischievous wink.
Jes
us. My dick can’t take her flirting.
My little nemesis.
“Come on then, Princess. Clock is ticking.”
I place my arm over her shoulders to urge her along, hating how true those words are.
Unfortunately, my heart can’t help but to discreetly snap my head over my shoulder, just to get one last glimpse of Boy Scout. And to its bitter chagrin, the fountain is now just as lonely as he must be.
I shrug the longing away and concentrate on finding a secluded place to get Princess all to myself. Ten minutes with her in my arms will be enough to ease the pang of sadness currently living rent-free in my chest. But just as I’m about to pull her into an empty science lab, her attention is diverted to her ringing phone. She picks it up, her face falling at whatever words she hears.
“What’s wrong?” I ask once she’s hung up.
“It’s Roman. Holland just called me to say that he’s all banged up. That he was in a fight.”
Goddamn it, Pops!
She shifts from one foot to the next, texting Asher to see if he has any more news on what happened to her brother.
“You want to go now? See Rome, I mean?”
Her eyes water with unshed tears as she looks up at me.
“Would you mind?”
I lean down and press a tender kiss to her temple.
“Not at all, Princess. Family comes first. We can make out later,” I add the last part to lighten the mood.
“Thank you,” she replies, squeezing my hand in hers. “You know, for a guy who has never had a girlfriend before, you sure have a knack for it.”
“Shh, you’ll ruin my rep.” I wink, gaining a soft chuckle from her. “Now, let’s take you to see your brother.”
An hour later, Princess is going through the same clearing process into Rikers that I’ve been accustomed to since I was eleven years old. Seeing her being patted down, treated with such a lack of respect, has my blood boiling. She doesn’t belong in a place like this. A girl like Elle Grayson shouldn’t have firsthand knowledge of what goes on in a prison. She was born to live a life of fairytales, not flinch with the sound of iron bars shutting and prison guards giving her the evil eye. When one of the officers states sternly that I’ll have to stay behind while she visits Rome on her own, it takes everything in me not to hit the bastard. He eyes her up and down like she’s just scum while Elle keeps her head held high, pretending she’s unbothered by the blatant animosity being thrown at her. I guess visiting the guy who murdered a beloved New York City judge makes you enemy number one in their eyes.
I reach out my hand and grab her wrist before she follows the asshole in.
“What?”
“Just… be careful.”
“It’s okay, Saint. I’ve got it from here.”
“Okay. I’ll be right outside waiting for you.”
“I know you will.” She offers me a grateful smile before being ushered into the visiting room.
Turning to one of the prison guards standing about, I ask him if there is any way I can make a call to an inmate. Elle should be with Rome long enough for me to give my pops a call and ask him what the fuck is going on.
“Santo?” My father’s voice comes on the line once the prison guard has connected our call.
“You want to tell me why Elle’s brother got beat up yesterday in the courtyard?” I growl as my greeting.
“Relax. He’s alive, isn’t he?”
“That’s not exactly the kind of protection I asked for, Pops.”
“It’s the best I can do when my boys aren’t even being paid for the trouble. The goons that jumped your boy were. So don’t complain.”
I grind my teeth.
“I need him safe.”
“So you’ve said. Repeatedly.” He huffs. “Look, kid, I’m doing my best to keep an eye on your girl’s brother. The shit that went down yesterday was out of my control. The guards made sure that none of my boys or I were in the yard when it all went down. Like I said, someone is paying real money to teach your guy a lesson.”
“Fuck,” I grunt, running my fingers through my hair in exasperation.
“For what it’s worth, the white-bread held his own. Everyone is talking about how he didn’t bitch out and cower from the fight. From what I’ve heard, he even managed to break one guy’s nose and the other one’s jaw.” My pops laughs.
“Is this fucking funny to you?” I blurt out, pissed he finds this shit amusing.
“Nah, Santo. Just the way life is in here,” he states matter-of-factly. “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll have a talk with your boy today and tell him he’s not to go anywhere unattended. Even if he goes to the john, one of my guys will be with him.”
“The Kings okay with that order?”
Asking my father to keep an eye out for Rome is one thing. Giving him personal bodyguards twenty-four-seven from the Latin Kings usually comes with a price tag.
“I got it handled,” my father says as a reply.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Sure, Santo. Just one thing, though, kid. Why are you calling me instead of having this conversation face to face?”
“Elle is here,” that’s all I say.
“Ah. So, you don’t want her to meet your old man, is that it? Ashamed of me, mijo?”
“That’s not why. She’s talking to her brother now, and I don’t want her to be overwhelmed with having my father and me in the same room, too. Shit is too real for her as it is.”
“I get that,” he mumbles. “Have you told her about me, though?”
“Yeah, Pops. Princess knows everything about my life. I don’t keep secrets from her. I’ve learned from your mistakes.”
“Way to go for the jugular, kid.” He laughs. “But I get what you’re saying. And I respect it. I just want you to know if you’re serious about this girl like you say you are, then I’d like to meet her one day. If that’s okay with you?”
“Let me think on it.”
“Sure, kid.” The hurt in his voice is as loud as my uncertainty. “Princess, huh? Is that what you call her?”
“Hmm.” I nod, even though he can’t see me.
“She really must be something special to have you jumping hoops for her like this.”
“She is.”
“Huh. Good. That’s good.”
“Good?” I arch a suspicious brow. “What do you mean, good?”
“It’s nothing. Seems silly now that I think of it.” He clears his throat awkwardly.
“What are you talking about?”
“Now, don’t bite my head off or anything. I just thought that maybe you batted for the other team. No judgment if you did or not. It’s just a feeling I had when you brought the preppy blond kid to meet me when you were sixteen.”
I swallow dryly at the memory.
“The Murphy boy. You know who I’m talking about.”
“Yeah, Pops. I know.”
“You still friends with him?”
“No,” I deadpan sternly.
“Ah. That’s too bad. He seemed like a nice kid. Did he make a pass at you or something? Is that why you two aren’t friends?”
“Can we please stop talking about Boy Scout?!” I shout, every nerve ending in my body fuming with rage, the awkward silence that ensues only adding to my frantic state.
“Santo?”
“Yeah?” I snap.
“Do you remember what I used to call your mom? You were just a kid, but maybe you still might.”
“Mi muñequita,” I whisper, suddenly assaulted by the few good memories I have of my parents’ happiness.
“That’s right. I used to call Lucía ‘my little doll’ because she was tiny as shit and cute as a button. She pretended she hated it when I called her that, but we both knew what I meant when I said it. You see, sometimes calling the person you love above all others just by their name isn’t enough to convey how you truly feel for them. How much you love them. Does th
at ring any bells for you, kid?”
My hand curls into a fist, the lump in my throat preventing me from giving him a reply.
“Princess and Boy Scout, huh?” he adds, saddened, filling the silence. “Be careful, Santo. Loving one person is hard enough. Two? Well, then all you’re asking for is heartache. Just be careful, kid.”
“Are you telling me this because you truly care, or is it because Boy Scout is a guy?” I seethe, my lethal tone filled with provocation.
“No, Santo. I’m saying this as a father who loves his son and doesn’t want him to suffer loving someone he can’t have. Take it from me, kid. It hurts on the daily not being able to hold my true love in my arms. I don’t want you ever to feel that level of suffering.”
Too fucking late for that.
“Yeah, okay. You done?”
He lets out a loud sigh but inevitably knows when to cut his losses.
“Yeah, kid. I’m done.”
“Good, I gotta go.”
“Alright. Don’t be a stranger, Santo. I know I haven’t been the best father in the world, but I’m still your dad, mijo. And I’ll be here for you anytime you need me. Just thought I’d put that out there in case you’ve forgotten.”
I hang up, unable to say anything in return. With my forehead pressed on the cool wall, I try to simmer down my rapid heartbeat and push all his loving words away to a place that can’t hurt me. That can’t touch me.
I know he loves me.
I know that getting locked away in prison was never in his plans for our family. But old wounds run deep, and the ability to forgive doesn’t come as easy to me as it does for others. I’ve battled for most of my life trying to deal with my abandonment issues that he caused by getting pinched. When I was a kid, I lashed out and got into any fight that would have me.
But now…
Now I’m trying hard to remember the tools Doc taught me to keep my head above water instead of using my fists to numb the pain. Not an easy feat to do when I’m bailing on my sessions with her because my insecurity of being unworthy of love has transferred from my father to the green-eyed boy that roams her corridors.
When Elle finally comes out, I push all that baggage to the deep, hidden corners of my soul and focus on being the support system she needs. As we make our way back to the Grayson manor, she gives me all the details of Rome’s altercation in the joint, as well as paints a not-so-flattering image of her brother’s messed up face. I listen to her patiently, while in the back of my mind deciding that when I leave her place, I’m paying Hector a visit. I know my pops said he had it all handled, but I’m not taking any chances this time.