Then she discovered she was pregnant.
* * *
Lillie had always been like clockwork with her periods. When she missed the first one she put it down to the long trip home having mucked her up. Also she’d been working hard and getting nervous about university and not eating all that well. On missing her second period, she suspected something was wrong. When the doctor in Manly confirmed that she definitely was pregnant, she was so devastated she spent the next two days walking around in a stupor. With no letters from Seamus, Lillie’s mind was clouded with doubts. What if he’d met someone else? When she’d left him at Shannon to come home to Australia, he was heading back to Drominderry House for Christmas. In his last letter he’d said he was going up to his flat in Merrion Square in Dublin, which he’d bought with money his grandfather had left him. But she knew the flat had no phone, so she couldn’t ring him. She sent a telegram, saying she had urgent news. There was no response.
Being a Catholic, it was against Lillie’s morals to have an abortion. Even if she wasn’t a Catholic, she’d be unable to kill the tiny being cocooned inside her womb that she and Seamus had made with such love on the shores of Kenmare River. She sat down and wrote a letter to his Dublin address, but she knew it would take an age to get there. In the end she decided to bite the bullet and make an overseas trunk call to Maisie at Drominderry House to see if by chance he was still there.
When Maisie answered the phone, Lillie could hardly get her words out.
‘Lillie, is that you?’ Maisie asked down the crackly line. ‘What’s the matter? Has someone died?’
‘No, nothing like that. It’s just that I was wondering if Seamus definitely went back to Dublin?’
‘’Tis what he said he be doing.’
‘Oh!’
‘Have you not heard from him yourself?’
‘No. He’s stopped writing to me and I’ve something important to tell him.’
‘And what would that be?’
Lillie blurted out that she was pregnant.
‘Sure, don’t these things happen,’ Maisie said in her matterof-fact way. ‘I’ll see if Charles can be tracking him down.’
It was as if Lillie had told her she wanted to find Seamus in order to tell him dinner was ready. Then Lillie asked the question that persisted in the back of her mind, waking her at night and making her toss and turn.
‘Maisie, do you think Seamus has met someone else?’
There was a moment before Maisie answered. ‘Wouldn’t he write to tell you if he be doing that?’
Lillie fiddled with the telephone cord. ‘Yes. I suppose you’re right.’
All the same, Lillie wasn’t so sure. He was a darn attractive man. And she had left him there in Ireland, where there were thousands of gorgeous Irish girls floating around looking for a man like him. He’d begged her to stay and she’d refused. What made her imagine he’d wait for her?
In the end Lillie had to come to terms with the fact that Seamus had probably forgotten her and met someone else. Otherwise, wouldn’t he still be writing? She looked at the Claddagh ring on her finger, touched it with her lips, and took it off.
* * *
Freddie and Marcus were the first in the family to find out about Lillie’s baby. They’d come down to Sydney for a weekend visit when she’d started to show.
‘You’ve put on a bit a weight,’ Freddie said, giving her a kiss. ‘It suits you.’
‘She’s pregnant, you dolt!’ Marcus pointed out, looking at Lillie’s swollen belly. ‘Any fool can see that.’
Freddie’s eyebrows shot up and he looked at Lillie.
‘Yes. I am.’
‘Wow,’ Freddie said.
Although she swore Marcus and Freddie to secrecy, there was no way she could hide her pregnancy from her parents forever. But they would probably try and make her give the baby up for adoption. However, at this stage Lillie didn’t think she wanted to do that. It would, of course, interfere with her work and university studies. On the other hand, she could do most of her assignments at home. Fortunately she hadn’t spent all of her savings and with the money she was still earning she would have enough to get her over the first few months. Then she would put the baby in a crèche and find a part-time job.
The next hurdle was to go up to Eureka Park and confess to her parents what had happened.
* * *
‘My, you look well,’ her father said when he picked her up from the train in Tamworth. ‘You’ve put on a bit of weight. Suits you.’
Lillie waited until they were on the road out past Gullumbindy before she told him she was pregnant.
He turned and looked at her with a long, hard stare. Then he pulled the car over to the verge of the road and jerked it to a halt.
‘You’re what?’ he exploded. ‘Please tell me I didn’t hear you say that.’
‘No, Dad, you did hear me. I’m pregnant. It happened when I was in Ireland. It’s Seamus’s. The fellow living at Drominderry House I told you about. The one I was getting the letters from.’
James reached for his pipe and then his tobacco pouch. He filled the bowl and put the stem to his mouth. Lillie had never seen Dad look so cross. For a dreadful moment, she thought he was going to shove her out of the car and make her walk.
‘Why didn’t you take more care?’ he demanded furiously.
‘It only happened once.’
‘Well, my girl, even you should know once is all it takes.’
He fiddled with his lighter and lit the tobacco, took a long draw and exhaled. It was obvious he was trying to control his emotions. After a few minutes sitting stranded in silence, he put the pipe in the ashtray and started the car again.
It wasn’t until they reached the entrance to Eureka Park that he spoke again. ‘What does the father think?’
‘I don’t know. I can’t contact him.’
‘Well if you haven’t got a man to marry you, you’ll have to look at adopting it out. There’s no way you can keep it.’
‘Dad. Please. I want to keep it. Truly I do.’
‘And how do you plan to cope on your own?’ A long pause. ‘There may not be another me around the corner, prepared to take you in. Like I did with your mother.’
Lillie looked at him in horror. ‘You loved Ma. That’s why you married her. Surely.’
James pursed his lips and took a breath. ‘It hasn’t always been easy, as you well know. Your mother married me because she was pregnant. Her true love, Dermot, had died.’ When he glanced over at her, Lillie saw great sadness in his eyes. ‘Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow.’
‘She loves you now, Dad. I know she does.’
‘Yes, well … that may be so. I hope it’s love. Not just gratitude. In any case, your situation will undoubtedly bring back memories for her. As it did when Ronan dropped the bombshell that he was to marry Clara and she found out Dermot was Clara’s father.’
‘As it brings back memories for you?’
‘It can’t help but do so.’
Lillie placed her hand on his arm. ‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ she said. ‘Truly I am. I didn’t mean it to happen this way.’ She paused. ‘And despite what you think, I know Ma loves you deeply.’ A long pause. ‘You do love her, don’t you?’
James brought the car to a stop outside the homestead. ‘Yes, of course I do. Very much so. Now,’ he said, taking the key out of the ignition and sounding cross again, ‘we’d best go on up and see what she has to say about the situation you’ve got yourself into.’
When Kathleen came out of the front door of the homestead, Lillie remained sitting in the car for a few minutes, unable to move.
James sighed. ‘No good hiding in here. Best go face the music.’
Eventually Lillie got out of the car and stood by the passenger door as if cemented to the earth. Her mother said nothing. Not even that she’d put on weight. As normal, she gave her a kiss and reached for her small bag. ‘Here, I’ll take this. You must be starving and dying for a cup of tea.’
When they got inside and went to her bedroom, Lillie turned to her. ‘You know, Ma, don’t you?’
Kathleen nodded. ‘You forget I’ve been through it four times.’ She came over and gave Lillie a kiss. ‘Have you heard from Seamus? I presume it’s his.’
Lillie nodded. ‘I’ve written and sent a telegram. I haven’t heard back. I even rang Maisie at Drominderry House to see if she or Charles knew where he was. They don’t know.’ She started to cry. ‘Dad said I should give it up for adoption. Will he make me?’
‘Nonsense,’ Kathleen said, placing a consoling arm around her. ‘Imagine how tragic it would be if I’d done that with Ronan. You’re old enough to make up your own mind. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. But I’ll be there to help.’
‘What about Dad?’
‘Leave him to me.’
‘And Grandma?’
‘Let’s not tell her just yet. I think she’s had enough shocks for a while.’
Lillie gave her a small smile. ‘I know it’ll be hard. But I definitely want to keep it.’
‘Well, in that case,’ Kathleen said, standing back, ‘we’d best be getting Ronan’s room ready for the new arrival.’
‘Have you heard from him this week?’
‘Yes. He said it’d been a busy time. He’s got a few days of R&R and he’s heading down to Vung Tau.’ She moved forward and wiped Lillie’s eyes with her fingers. ‘You’ll give up work, I imagine. Come back here.’
‘What will everyone think?’
‘Who gives a damn fig what other people think?’ It was the first time Lillie had heard Ma come anywhere near swearing. ‘Did you tell Deb?’
‘Yes. I rang her.’
‘And what was her reaction?’
‘She sounded sorry for me, but said she’d be there for me.’
‘Well, there you go. Now,’ Kathleen said briskly, ‘let’s have that tea and then we’ll go for a walk down to the stables. There’s a new foal, Cosmo, who I just adore.’ She smiled. ‘Nearly as much as Shannon Boy. Arthur thinks he’s got great potential.’
‘How is Arthur?’
‘Just the same. He’s got a girlfriend. Lovely lass. She spends a bit of time out here.’
‘Living with him?’
‘Only the odd weekend. It appears times have changed. So we have to turn a blind eye.’
Lillie smiled. ‘I look forward to meeting her.’
Down in the paddock Ma showed her Cosmo, who was running around, his tail frisking in the wind, his proud head looking around excitedly.
‘He is gorgeous,’ Lillie said.
‘I think he’s even more loving than Shannon Boy was.’
‘I’m so pleased for you, Ma.’
Lillie was relieved Ma had taken her pregnancy so well and understood why she wanted to keep the baby. Lillie should have realised that’s how she’d feel, having been in more or less the same situation with Ronan. What if Ma had given in under pressure? Had an abortion? Or given him away? Lillie couldn’t imagine her life without Ronan. And although she was terrified of what the future might hold, she was proud that she’d decided to keep her baby.
* * *
Three weeks later when Lillie had packed up her things in Manly and come back to Eureka Park, she could see her father was still annoyed with her. Often he was abrupt with her. Her morning sickness made her tired when she was trying to study her uni course by correspondence and she often woke up at 3 a.m. in a panic. How was she going to cope? Once she had the baby she couldn’t live here with her parents for the rest of her life, even though she was studying and helping out in the stables to earn her keep. She tried writing one more letter to Seamus. Nothing. Often she cried for no reason at all, just feeling so sad that Seamus had thrown her over like that.
One day when she was sitting on an upturned bucket talking to Arthur down at the stables, complaining that Seamus had dropped her like a hot potato, Arthur came and squatted next to her.
‘How do you know something mightn’t have happened to him?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It sounds to me like he was hooked on you. To go off you like that seems kinda odd.’
Lillie shrugged her shoulders. ‘He must’ve met someone else.’
The hardest thing was seeing Arthur and his girlfriend, who had luminous dark eyes and a mass of shiny black hair, so happy. One weekend the two of them went riding up into the hills with their saddlebags bulging with stuff to cook on a campfire.
‘Why don’t you come with us?’ Arthur called as they were packing up to go.
Lillie placed her hand on her belly. ‘Don’t reckon I should.’
It wasn’t that she was frightened of hurting the baby. It was because she didn’t want to be a gooseberry. At times she was so depressed she wondered if she shouldn’t have had an abortion after all and just not told anyone she was pregnant in the first place. If she’d done that at least her father wouldn’t be treating her like a leper. It was almost as if her mother was being overly nice to compensate.
Marcus never mentioned the baby, but every now and then Freddie would come and put his hand on her belly and say, ‘I’m sure I can feel it moving.’ And he’d grab Lillie’s hand to make her feel as well. Whenever he saw her looking sad, he gave her a hug and tried to cheer her up. And so did Deb when she was back from Armidale and Lillie told her how she was having second thoughts about having kept the baby.
‘You did the right thing,’ she said when they met up at Allen’s milk bar in Gullumbindy. ‘You can decide later if you want to adopt it out or keep it.’
‘So you don’t think I should keep it?’
‘I didn’t say that. It’ll be hard. That’s all I’m saying.’
After this conversation Lillie spent hours wondering if she shouldn’t give her baby up for adoption after all. Despite what Deb said, she obviously thought as much. She desperately wished she could talk to Ronan about it, but she hadn’t written to him yet to tell him what had happened. When she asked Ma whether she should or not, Ma said it was up to her. So far, Lillie had chickened out. Not just because she was to be an unmarried mother, but also because in the back of her mind she thought it might remind Ronan of what he had missed out on with Clara. And she didn’t want him dwelling on that while he was in Vietnam. But sooner or later he would have to know.
* * *
It was a warm Tuesday afternoon when Lillie sat with her mother on a rug under the maple tree having a cool drink. As she fiddled with the collar around Dingo’s neck and wondered when her morning sickness would ease up, she heard a car drive up to the front of the homestead.
‘You expecting someone?’ she asked Ma, as Dingo broke free and rushed out to see who was there.
‘Could be the vet for the mare that’s foundered, but surely he’d go down to the stables.’ Lillie heard a car door bang shut and footsteps going up to the front verandah.
‘I’ll go and see who it is,’ Kathleen said. ‘I had an Avon woman call in last week. Maybe this is her dropping off what I ordered.’
A few minutes later Kathleen returned. By her side was Seamus.
Lillie’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. Where in God’s name had he come from? He looked so handsome standing there next to Ma. His hair was longer and he was wearing a pair of cream moleskins and a bottle-green corduroy jacket that almost matched his eyes.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ she exclaimed.
‘Isn’t that a grand way to be welcoming a poor sod who’s travelled across the globe after his gorgeous lady left him to pine away in Ireland.’ He looked at Kathleen. ‘I must say I got a far better welcome from your beautiful mother.’
‘Why didn’t you answer my letters?’ Lillie demanded. ‘Yours had stopped coming before that anyway.’ She knew her tone was sharp. She couldn’t help it. Did he think he could waltz in here and expect her to be all over him? Like Dingo had done. She was pregnant with his child, for Godsakes, and he’d more or less abandoned her. He should h
ave written. ‘And how did you know I was here?’ she asked. ‘And not in Sydney?’
‘I rang Drominderry House and spoke to Maisie. She told me you’d been trying to contact me. Said your mother had written and you were up here.’
Lillie pressed her hand to her stomach. ‘Did Maisie tell you what I told her?’
‘She did. And I thought to myself, what a lucky man you are, Seamus Flaherty! You’re going to be a dad. You’d better hightail it across the world and see how your gorgeous wife-to-be is.’
Lillie shook her head. ‘Why on earth should I marry you? I’d more or less given you up for dead — and I want to finish my degree anyway.’
‘You’ll marry me because you love me. And,’ he added with a wink, coming over and giving her a passionate kiss on the lips, ‘I happen to be in love with you. I’ll even help you with your degree. So you’ll need a darn good excuse to get out of a wedding. Is that not right, Mrs O’Sullivan?’
Kathleen nodded. ‘Yes, that sounds perfectly right to me, Seamus. Though I must correct you on one thing. You can drop the Mrs bit, particularly if you’re to be my son-in-law. Kathleen will do fine.’
‘Ma!’ Lillie exclaimed.
‘I’ll leave you two to catch up,’ Kathleen said, ignoring Lillie. She looked at Seamus. ‘Is that car out the front a hire car?’
‘I picked up a Hertz in Sydney. They kindly said I could drop it off in Tamworth when I’m finished with it.’
‘I presume you’ll be staying the night, then.’
Seamus turned his gaze to Lillie. ‘I hope so.’
‘It depends on what you tell me,’ Lillie said. ‘Why did you stop writing?’
When Kathleen had gone inside, Seamus sat down on the rug next to Lillie. He picked up her hand and kissed it gently. Then he stroked her hair and tilted her face towards him. ‘I’m sorry, but I didn’t get your last letters. You see, after Christmas when I went back to Dublin, I was having a bit of writer’s block. I thought a change of scenery would do me good. So I went to Paris.’
The Homestead on the River Page 42