Dedication
To my grandmothers, Edith and Carolyn,
the most beautiful of hummingbirds
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
1. Now: Three Days After
2. Then: Hidden Talent
3. Now: One Week, One Day After
4. Then: Stork Rhymes with Dork
5. Now: One Week, One Day After (After School)
6. Then: A Small Sparrow
7. Now: One Week, One Day After (Night)
8. Then: A Rare Bird
9. Now: One Week, One Day After (Later That Same Night)
10. Then: Doves in the Pine Trees
11. Now: One Week, Two Days After
12. Then: All Sparrows and Chickadees
13. Now: One Week, Two Days After (Afternoon)
14. Then: The Patterns of Their Feathering
15. Now: One Week, Five Days After
16. Now: Two Weeks After
17. Then: A Competition for the Ducks
18. Now: Two Weeks, Two Days After
19. Now: Two Weeks, Three Days After
20. Then: Brown-Eyed Birds
21. Now: Two Weeks, Four Days After
22. Now: Two Weeks, Five Days After
23. Then: Surrounded by Birds, a Pair of Binoculars in Your Hand
24. Now: Two Weeks, Six Days After
25. Now: Three Weeks After
26. Then: Catbirds
27. Now: Three Weeks, Two Days After
28. Now: Three Weeks, Four Days After
29. Then: Eagles Mate for Life
30. Now: Three Weeks, Six Days After
31. Now: Three Weeks, Six Days After (Late Night)
32. Now: Four Weeks After
33. Then: Bird of Prey
34. Now: Four Weeks, Three Days After
35. Now: Four Weeks, Four Days After
36. Now: Four Weeks, Four Days After (Night)
37. Then: Scattering Robins
38. Now: Four Weeks, Six Days After
39. Now: Five Weeks After
40. Now: Five Weeks, Two Days After
41. Then: A Total Bluebird Enthusiast
42. Now: Five Weeks, Four Days After
43. Now: Five Weeks, Four Days After (Night)
44. Now: Six Weeks After
45. Then: The Hummingbird
46. Now: Eleven Weeks After
47. Now: Twelve Weeks After
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Books by Jaye Robin Brown
Back Ad
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
Now: Three Days After
Hands, hearts, hugs.
I am bombarded at every turn. But I don’t know these hands, these hearts, these hugs. They are peripheral, the entire senior class only seen through the corner of my vision. None of them are the hands, hearts, and hugs I want.
“So sorry, Jess.”
“Really sucks, Jess.”
“How does shit like this happen?”
Best question of the day. How. Does. Shit. Like. This. Happen. And it begins. A collapsing. All of me, falling slowly in on myself.
“Jess, hon.” Mom’s hand lands featherlight on my shoulder. The multiton concrete of my body lists toward the familiar touch. A ragged breath escapes, a tear pools in the corner of my eye, then the pool becomes a river, and I can’t even try to hold it back, it simply flows. Mom holds me, a steadying pressure that is the only thing keeping me from sinking into the cracks in the ground or flying off into the atmosphere.
Voices murmur. It’s a last-minute memorial, hastily put together by Vivi’s parents so the students of Grady High School can grieve as a group. But none of them, no one else in this room, can crawl down into the crater in which I now dwell.
“Let’s go, hon,” Mom whispers in my ear and places a guiding hand on my back. “This is too much for you.”
I let myself be led. More hands, hearts, hugs as Mom and my sister, Nina, walk me toward the door of the youth center.
Classmates I barely know speak as I pass.
“Sorry.”
“We’ll all miss her.”
“You were lucky to have love.”
Between the thudding ache of my heartbeats, I want nothing more than to yell “Shut up!” They don’t know. They can’t know. This ache is too raw. Too deep. Too mine.
Outside I gulp at the air. But it doesn’t ease the choke. The world, oblivious to my strangulation, spins as usual. Cars drive. Birds fly. The too-hot late September sun presses its rays against me.
“I’m going to run into Whole Foods when I drop Nina off at work. Grab some premades. I know you probably won’t eat, but if you decide to, there’ll be something,” Mom says.
“I can bring home wings, if you want.” Nina’s tugging her Slim’s Hot Chicken apron out from where it’s bunched under me on the seat and hugging my neck too hard at the same time.
My mother and sister argue about the type of nutrition a grieving girl needs. I buckle, then unbuckle my seat belt. As Mom shops for roasted vegetables and fizzy water, I trace the clouds with my eyes, wondering, hoping that there is a more. I can’t imagine a world where I never see her again. I press Vivi’s name on the glass and don’t even try to dam the river that rages out of me.
At home, Mom draws me a bath, lights a candle, and pours in some Epsom salts. “This won’t take the pain.” She holds her hand to her heart. “But it will help with any achiness you feel from crying.” She lingers, but what is there to say?
The girl I loved, love, loved is dead. Freakishly. Fast. All we had was a final hug and an I love you and don’t kiss me I don’t want to get you sick because I think I may be getting the flu, then a link of pinkies, a lingering smile, and that always, always, always want in my core. And That. Was. It.
I sink, hold my breath, and open my eyes to watch bubbles pop pop pop on the glassy surface above me, wondering what it would be like to hold myself here.
To die along with Vivi.
2
Then: Hidden Talent
Pop. Pop. Pop.
I knew blowing bubbles with gum annoyed my therapist, but she’d been annoying me for three years. Seventh grade. Eighth grade. And now ninth. It only seemed fair. The wrinkle that ran from her left eye down the side of her nose deepened. Success.
Samantha took a deep breath and rolled her pen between her fingers. “Are you ready?”
I shrugged. The truth was, I wasn’t ready. Somehow, I’d made it through my first one hundred and eighty days of North Carolina’s public-mandated high school instruction without getting into a single fight. But next year, there’d be no more safety of the ninth-grade wing. No more seclusion from the older kids. It would be all the upper grades walking the halls together. It would be me—queer, overly sensitive, overly prone to fists—against a whole gamut of North Charlotte suburbia kids who were quick to say crap about girls like me. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to stay on my hard-earned, not-so-straight-and-narrow path. Especially since there was also going to be no Samantha. I had a love/hate relationship with my therapist.
She pulled a bag out from her desk drawer. “I’m so sorry I’m leaving you like this.”
“No, you’re not. You can’t wait for your honeymoon.”
“That’s true, but I am sorry I’m leaving my clients, and there’s not a thing wrong with me getting married.”
No. But there was everything wrong with her moving to Seattle afterward.
“You know I’m only a phone call away. We’ve talked about this.”
“And three hours behind. Our schedules are never
going to sync.” I knew this because of my relatives in El Paso. I hardly ever got to talk to my grandfather and they were in mountain time zone, only two hours behind us.
She sighed. “Leaving my clients is hard, Jess. Especially you. You’ve come so far since I first met you as an angry, confused twelve-year-old.”
“Yeah, whatever.” I twisted in my seat and looked at the little glass birds that decorated the table beside me. Better than letting her see that I was, maybe, getting a little choked up.
“Anyway, this is for you.” She pushed the brown paper bag across the table toward me.
I shifted and allowed myself to reach for it. There was no stopping this. She’d met a hunk of burning love. I couldn’t really fault her. If given the chance for romance, I’d jump. How many times had I imagined what it would be like to have an actual girlfriend? But it did suck I was losing my therapist, even if it was for love.
I pulled a sketchbook and a pack of pens out of the bag, along with a how-to Zentangle book. “Cool.” I flipped the pages and felt certain I’d never be able to replicate any of the designs.
“This is not a present,” she said.
“It’s not?” I glanced up.
“No.” Her face got that bunched-up look when she was really trying to make sure whatever she was saying soaked into my brain. “This is homework.”
“Homework?”
“Yes. Over the year, we’ve worked on a multitude of techniques for you to use in situations when your anger volcano threatens to erupt.”
I rolled my eyes. So many sessions spent charting the sequence of my actions that could have prevented my outbursts. I could map the anger volcano in my sleep. If I’d shut my mouth here, I could have prevented the other person’s reaction. If I’d prevented the other person’s reaction, then maybe I wouldn’t have shoved them. If I hadn’t shoved them, they wouldn’t have pushed me back. If they hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have erupted. Yada, yada, yada.
“Quit rolling those eyes. Show me how much you’ve learned.” She tapped her pen on the table.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Fine. Clench my fists, spread my fingers, clench my fists, spread my fingers.” I demonstrated the technique. “Breathing.” I took in a deep breath and let it out in a long, slow exhale. “Walking away while breathing.” I stood up and took steps around her office. “Mental singing.” I broke into an out-of-tune rendition of “You Are My Sunshine.”
Samantha poked her fingers in her ears and started laughing. “Okay, okay, you have learned something. Now this.”
I sat back down. “This?”
“Doodling. It won’t work in an active situation, but it will help when something happens in class by keeping you engaged, and thus able to stay out of it.”
“So, the only way for me to maintain my chill is to have no interactions and no friends.”
She groaned. “Jess. That is not what I mean. You have friends.”
“Friend. Cheyanne.”
“For some people that’s all they need. But I’m serious. Get comfortable drawing over the summer. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover a hidden talent.”
“Not likely.” But the fact that this was our last session brought me around to positivity. “Okay, a hidden talent. Got it. Draw to keep focused on staying in my bubble.”
“Exactly.” She glanced at the clock sitting on her table, then sighed. “You’ll be fine, Jess. You’ve got so much soul. You’re incredibly self-aware even in your mistakes. High school is the tiniest blip in your life. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you’re made of strong stuff. You’ve got all the skills to keep staying out of conflict, to keep your anger at bay. You will survive and you’ll do it well.”
I wanted to believe her, I really did. But how did you survive without your life raft? When the unexpressed grief over my dad came pushing out of me in middle school, I was a hot mess. Then my mom found Samantha for me.
And now she was leaving.
How was I going to make it without her to talk to every week? I’d told Mom I didn’t want, or need, another therapist. But dealing with my stuff alone? Or just on the phone? I hoped Samantha was right about this doodling stuff. Something to keep me chill. Even though something didn’t seem nearly as effective as someone.
Someone. Now there was a thought. My brain took off in loops and spirals. If Samantha could meet the love of her life . . . well. There were over fifteen hundred kids roaming the upper halls at Grady. Maybe being out of freshman hall wouldn’t be total torture. Maybe there was someone I didn’t know about. Someone who might want to hang out with me.
3
Now: One Week, One Day After
The whir of the blender wakes me up. My smoothie-obsessed mother has decided grief is fed with chia seeds, kale, and banana. I’m pretty sure cold pizza works better, but whatever.
I’ve had a week of excused absences, but Grady High decided that five days is all a life is worth, and they’ve said I have to return to classes or my absences will give them the power to keep me from passing my classes this semester. Going back to school is the last thing in the world I want, but my mother will disown me if I don’t graduate.
Emma Watson looks up at me with her impassive copper-colored eyes. The cat knows everything and nothing at all. She blinks. “Yes, Jess, you can go” is my interpretation. I think she just wants my pillows all to herself again.
A knock on my door. “Jess, Mom says come down for breakfast.” Then the creak of my doorknob. My sister has never respected my privacy.
She slides inside my room, then onto the bed with me, and cuddles me like I’m her almost daughter, not her little sister. “Sissy, I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is.”
And that’s the thing. We all do. Me, my mom, Nina. We did this grief stuff, frontward and backward, nine years ago when Dad got blown up by an IED in Afghanistan. But Nina’s pain has dimmed. She doesn’t get how I feel like someone took a dulled knife and sawed through my body. All the fester and throb of the old grief acts like a deeply buried splinter brought to the surface. But instead of releasing, it digs in again, a sharp reminder that life sucks and love hurts and it’d be a hell of a lot easier to seal my heart off forever. But I don’t tell Nina any of that.
“I’m fine.” I wriggle out of her grasp and for once can relate to Emma Watson. “Let me get dressed.”
“Are you sure? Do you want me to come to school with you?”
“Nina . . .”
“Fine.” She huffs off the bed. “I’m only trying to help.”
She leaves and I pull out jeans, a faded black T-shirt, and out of habit, the pale gray hoodie. A gift from Vivi. I put it back, take it out again, crumple it into a tight ball, and bring it to my nose as if somehow, the essence of Vivi will release from its threads. Paralysis hits me. How will I walk through this day of first bells and morning announcements and class changes and whispers without Vivi by my side?
Bad enough to be one of the few out queer kids at school but now I’m the queer girl with the dead girlfriend.
“I don’t think I can go.”
Emma Watson barely tilts her head in response.
I pull on the hoodie and wrap my arms around myself. The last day she was at school replays in my mind. The day after’s phone call with her mom in my memory. I haven’t had the nerve to listen to messages. I can’t listen to Vivi’s voice yet. I can’t be reminded of all the texts and messages I’ve erased. If only I’d known, I would have saved everything forever.
Another tap tap on the door.
“Jess, baby, are you ready?” Mom is nothing but kind. Holding space, she said. I will hold space for your grief. Mom knows grief.
One deep breath. A choked breath. A breath that stops and locks at the concrete block of my chest and heart. Fuck. “I’m ready.” It’s a lie.
I step into the hallway of our crappy rental house. Mom takes my hand as if I were eight. My grief surges. Is Mom feeling it, too? Like a vesti
gial limb? She squeezes in response to my thought. “You’re not ready.”
I shake my head.
“Baby. It’s okay. You’re never going to be ready, but the only way forward is forward. It will be hard. It will be crushing at times. But all you have to do is exist in this day. Breathe. Try to eat a little. That’s your only job right now. Get through the days. Got it?”
“Get through the days,” I repeat.
“Good,” she says.
Dad died nine years ago, but I still find Mom crying sometimes.
That’s a lot of days.
I take the smoothie she hands me, but also grab a go-mug of coffee. Black with heaping tablespoons of raw sugar, how Vivi taught me. I used to hate coffee before. Before. Before and after. After. My brain races through the demarcations of my life and I want an eraser.
“I’m going to drive you today, how’s that?”
“Okay.” I don’t want to be stuck in the car with Nina and her voracious sad eyes. It’s weird. My sister has owned my grief like it’s hers. I’ve heard her talking to the boyfriend du jour on the phone. Dramatizing my situation to make herself more interesting, or needing, or something. It bothers me.
Mom pats my leg as she drives. “Today will be difficult. I’ll leave work and come for you if you need me to. Have the office call.”
I nod, then as we pass the church cemetery down the road . . . “Did the Bouchards . . .”
Mom’s pat turns to a grip. “Yes, when the ashes come back they would like us to come to the lake house. For a ceremony.”
I’m lucky. Vivi’s parents embraced me. I was like another daughter, they’d said. Someone who sees our girl as perfect as we do. My mom was unsure about the girl-girl thing initially. But after losing Dad, she became a warrior who knew exactly which battles to fight. She did her best to make it no biggie when I told her I was in love with a Vivi not a Victor, even though I knew she was worried about my extended family’s reaction and society in general.
But I wasn’t worried. People can see when you’re happy. Vivi and I had plans mapped out for years into the future. Our relationship was near perfect, hardly any detail left to work out.
But now. So over. There’s no working out dead.
The Meaning of Birds Page 1