I drop my champagne glass in the middle of the floor and walk out, my head held high. I reach the front door of the hotel and dash my hand across my eyes. I hate them all, I hate everything they stand for, but most of all, I think I hate myself. It’s freezing and I forgot to go to the cloakroom and get my jacket. No way in hell I’m going back to the ballroom to get it.
Instead of going home I take myself into the hotel bar and order a brandy. My hands are shaking as I lift it to my lips and take a mouthful. I knock the whole lot back and order another. I know with my low tolerance for alcohol and the three glasses of champagne I forced down that I’ll have a banging hangover in the morning. Right now, I don’t care. Three Brandy’s later and I am feeling 100% in the Christmas spirit. Or full of spirit, alcohol based no doubt. My courage levels have risen exponentially, and I am looking around the room smiling at the four other lonely hearts in the hotel bar.
“Hey.” I turn my head and smile at the man behind me. He seems to be as muddled as me about what constitutes Christmas attire. He is dressed, loosely, as a Santa, and painted green and glittery.
“Nice outfit,” I quip.
He grins at me. “Why thank you, we seem to be inadvertently matching.” His voice is smooth and beautifully clipped in that posh English way I still swoon over. In comparison my Irish accent seems clumsy and muffled. “I’m Ultano, you must be…”
“I’m Tessa,” I reply, holding out a hand. He looks down at it before lifting it up and plonking my palm against his forehead. Okay… I mean still not the strangest man I’ve ever encountered. “Ultano, is it originally...Italian…or Welsh or something?” Who in the hell calls their child Ultano? Someone effortlessly good looking with a ridiculously handsome child no doubt.
I gaze into his eyes, amber like gemstones. They seem to flicker a little, flashing, mesmerizing me.
I look at the glass in my hand, has it been spiked? What in the hell? I’m not usually one for falling at the feet of handsome muscled men, probably because I seem to be invisible to them. Over the years I’ve become immune to outer beauty. I still recognise it, appreciate it, but I’ve learned that a beautiful outer shell can harbour a rottenness well disguised. But something about this handsome stranger man feels so familiar, so enticing. He’s staring at me as though I’m the most interesting person in the room. I’m not. But he doesn’t seem to have deciphered that yet, so I continue to bask in the presence of him.
Ultano
It has happened. On this little bluey green planet, I have crash landed upon. A subspecies human female. How? Explain it to me. How does this underling human species female hold this kind of allure?
My eyes continue to flicker, and my hearts are alternating beats, making a rhythm of the ages, indicating that she is my mate. My cock is hard and bursting to be released.
Not on Earth, I remind myself. They are not as open to nudity as my home planet La’ggon. In all the planetary cycles this has never happened before. We, my brothers and I, didn’t even think of coming to the outer planets to see if female mates dwelled here. They are so beneath us in both evolution and exploration that we didn’t even consider it a possibility.
My mate is extraordinarily beautiful. She has hair like an earth mouse creature, small blue eyes like a bluebell flower and thin lips that are currently pressed in a straight line. Her eyes look at me suspiciously. I have never seen such a beautiful creature.
I open my mouth but find myself dumbstruck by her beauty.
“Why are you staring at me?” she asks. “Never mind,” she continues, and moves to walk away.
I take her arm and shake my head. Have I offended her by using my inner thought process to woo her? She seems a fragile little thing, and humans are a curious bunch. How they have survived this long is a mystery. “Please. Don’t leave. We have much to talk about, Tessa.”
My mate keeps staring at me but remains at my side. She is as curious of me as I am of her.
A male human pushes past my mate without excusing himself. I poke him hard in the liver. He bends over and grabs his side, his eyes wide with shock. “What hell was that for pal? What are you doing?”
I observe his large body type, and my eyes flick up and down scanning him. His body is 59% body fat. He must be very warm in the winter. Is this a survival strategy, I wonder? Find this out in the future, Ultano.
“I was merely seeing if you had an unknown armour that you have hidden from us on a past exploratory mission. That was in 1746, I figured you may have developed something since then but no. How extraordinary. Also, you pushed past my mate without excusing your actions. This is unacceptable. I will not injure you on this occasion human male.”
The human male backs away from me and calls to the drink dispensing human behind the counter. “A pint of bitter mate.”
He keeps his eyes on me shaking his head. “Fucking weirdo,” he says, and seems to be waiting for a resolution to the situation. I think he is impressed and overawed by my size, my pheromones, and my general attractiveness. I’ve read that humans are quite strange and easily impressed by outer skin furnishings. How bizarre. I touch my hand to my ear, activating my Galaxy knowledge finder.
“Average male human penis size?” I say.
“Average human penis is five inches, or 72 La’ggonian meetra,” my Lagg’on interpreter answers. Ah yes. This may be it. Both my mate and the human male look at my ear. My device is well hidden, they will not see it. We Rangg’don are very advanced as a species.
I place my hand on the shoulder of my human male friend and bow my head sincerely. These are sensitive matters, a sensitive species.
“You have a small penis. But you are still functional. Do not despair human male. I am going to take but one female mate, there are still many others who will take a lesser mate, such as yourself.” There. I smile at him. I can be kind also. The best warriors show empathy as well as brute force and steely resolve. So my father said.
Sweat drips down the side of the hairless head of this male human. He has a large neck; I wish to touch it to see if the folds hide anything that may be of informative value when I return to my planet. He takes a white cloth from his pocket and rubs it across his face and head. His breathing is hard and heavy. He has only one heart, not three like the Rangg’don, my race of warriors. These poor humans are not well equipped for battle.
“You what? Listen pal, you’re making a big mistake if you try to take me on, I know people, right?” He puts his finger to the side of his nose tapping it. I return the gesture as a way of reassuring the angry male that I am no threat to him. Perhaps he misheard. I will try again.
“Your penis. It is small. There is no shame in this earth human male. Show me your sefophusous.”
“My fucking what?” The male looks confused. No matter. A demonstration is always welcomed by the females I have encountered.
I uncurl my sefophusous and let it hang out of my mouth touching my chin. The male seems somehow threatened by this.
“It is used to pleasure females,” I say, to my mate. Her cheeks go from peach to red. She is very obviously aroused. I flick the end of my sefophusous and twirl it twice. My mate, the divine and beautiful Tessa, puts a hand to her throat and gasps. I have impressed her. “You are wet. I can taste it on my tongue. It tastes like Zacarry fruit from my planet,” I say, proud that I have affected her in this way. We will have a beautiful mating. I can feel it. My love scrunches up her face, turns and walks away from me. Perhaps she is readying herself for the blessed ceremony where we mate. Then, praise the God of Orion, I shall prepare to take her back to my home planet when my craft has been repaired.
“Farewell mate, I will wait for you here,” I call after her.
“That went well, thank you friend.” I say to the human male. He takes his large frothy drink from the barman and walks away from me. He stops and raises his middle finger in a gesture I am unfamiliar with.
I return the gesture smiling at him and holding my middle finger up above my head. “
Bye friend,” I say loudly, and smile at those who look at me.
My human male friend shakes his head and moves out of sight. What a thrilling experience. These humans really do know how to have a good time. Another time I may share a toast to the spilled blood of my enemies with this man who sweats.
After several earth hours I begin to worry about my mate, who has not returned. Has something scared her away? Has she fallen into slumber somewhere in the big shiny place we met? Never mind. I imprinted on her brain jelly and will know just where to find her. I close my eyes and focus on her. She is in her living quarters not too far from here. She is dreaming of her ‘fur babies.’ So, she is a mother. I try to picture the fur father, but I feel that he is deceased. I did not feel that she was mated, that is a good thing. She is less eager to be mated than I thought my destined mate would be, still, no matter. I will surprise in her home. She is sure to be dazzled by this gesture of true love.
Tessa
There’s something in the room with me. Someone. That much I know. I try to stay still, but my brain is working overtime. Don’t move, Tessa. Keep still and they might just rob you and leave. Why is my leg cramping now? Why in the blazes is my leg cramping? How the hell did they get in? My apartment is tiny enough to be sufficiently secure. Where are Darcy and Heathcliff? If this brute has injured my fur babies, I will tear them apart limb from limb.
“I have come, my love.”
The voice is male and husky and low. It reminds me of warm fires and butterscotch. I recognise it immediately.
“Holy shit!”
It’s the strange man from the bar at the hotel? How did he find me? Why did he find me? I sit up straight and throw on the bedside light. And then I scream.
Ultano
I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve never used the transporter with a human before. I had hoped to stay on the earth planet until my ship was repaired. Alas, my gentle human female mate name of Tessa has had a little shock. In the haste to stop her screaming, I initiated the transporter mode on my earpiece. Planet Lagg’on is so far away from earth. Light years, millions of light years. Of course, it would not be a smooth transition.
“I mean. It’s not ideal,” I sigh.
“Not ideal?” My brother Ultimo roars. “Her head is still in outer space, you…you Krak’ona! It’s been two cycles, where is she?” I look at Tessa’s headless body in the transporter bay and feel a rush of love for her. “For the lords of Ivan’oe! We signed a sacred treaty not to interfere with the humans! What part of this did you not understand? The part where you were being led by your cock was it?”
I groan and put my head in my hands. Have I extinguished the life force of my mate? Why did her two furry children survive the transporter? Who is their father? Has he been killed in battle? I still have so much more to learn about human mates. It really is terribly confusing.
“And why do you still speak like that?” My brother’s gruff low voice is tethering on explosion.
“I used the voice of the mister Darcy; he is a hero of my love,” I respond.
“Ridiculous,” my brother says.
“Let him be,” Alere mutters.
I look kindly on my brothers chosen mate. Her tusks and snout make her look fearsome, but she has a gentle disposition at odds with her appearance.
“Thank you Alere. I am confident that my mate will arrive shortly.” Alere nods, but her expression is unconvinced.
Tessa
I open my eyes, check my arms and pat my body down. I feel less discombobulated then I have done in the last while. My body tingles all over, and I look down at my chest in disbelief. My boobs have gotten bigger and my backside smaller. I lift my boobs checking each one. No scars. Have I been operated on? What the hell? Where am I?
I look around the room. A weird and eerie silence surrounds me. Walking towards the giant painting of space on the walk, I frown. It looks so lifelike. How strange? It’s as though I’m in a spaceship somewhere looking out at the universe as floats by. I can’t be. Have I been kidnapped? Holy shit, am I being sold as a sex slave? I groan and rub my head; it still feels like marshmallows live inside my head? I stand after a few attempts. Why am I dressed like a medieval lady? A long-sleeved red velvet dress hangs perfectly from my frame. I touch my hand to my hair and find it free from its usual ponytail. It has been freshly washed and styled. The last thing I remember was being in my bedroom. I sit down again as a wave of dizziness and nausea roll over me.
As I do, the door slides open.
My mouth drops open when two men well over seven feet tall enter the room, one blue and one green. I shield my face behind my fingers and breath deeply. “This is a dream. Wake up Tessa. You are doing fine. Just breathe.”
“This is the one you chose as a mate,” I hear. The whisper is low, but I catch the incredulity in his voice.
I take my fingers down from my face and push myself off the chair. “Listen up buddy. If you think…wait…it’s you! The man from the bar. Why do you still have that make up on? Why does…oh…it’s not make-up is it? You’re an alien, aren’t you? I’m in space, aren’t I? I feel strange. Like I’m changing.”
He nods slowly and grimaces. “I should have prepared you better, mate, but there was no time. I had to leave before your neighbour awoke. I waited for you in the shiny building. But you never came back.”
“I thought you were taking the piss. I mean joking. I thought you were being silly for the sake of it. I don’t usually get men stopping me in bars to talk about penis sizes. I don’t usually get men stopping me to talk about anything really. It was all a bit surreal. Are you saying you’re an alien?”
“Why does it talk so much?” The blue one says.
Ultano
“It is a habit, I think. Some humans seem to talk more if they are nervous,” I reply.
“Nervous, what does that mean?” My brother asks. He seems genuinely curious, his head going from side to side.
“Before a great war, the churning of the gut.”
“She is a warrior?”
“I am not sure. She holds the calculator,” I say, I picked this from her mind on the night we met. Look this up later.
“A weapon?”
“Possibly.”
“She has no hair,” Alere joins the two of us.
We turn to look at Alere. “She is not like you, but she is still worthy.”
“What in the loving fuck is that?”
We turn to look at Tessa who points and gestures out the view hole. “They are stars and galaxies,” my brother says indulgently, before looking at me and nodding his head. I want to smack my hand across his arrogant face.
“Not that you idiots, that!”
Too late we turn as the view hole smashes in on top of us all.
“Marauders! Alese screams. “We are under attack!” I grab Tessa around her waist and pull her from the room, my feet inches behind my brother, and Alese.
“How the hell did they find us?” I say, and then send curses to the universe. The shields were down as we waited for my mate to be fully returned to us. I have put the king of the Lagg’on in danger through my stupidity.
“No matter brother,” my brother reassures me.
“You fool Ultano. You have endangered your brother, your king!” Alere is not as forgiving. And why would she be? I have disgraced my family name by putting us in danger. All to secure my own mate. Alere sees things only as a warrior, as the bodyguard to her king, her mate. We run towards the transporter room. My human mate may not make it this time. She has just recovered from the first transporting. Tessa races ahead of us and with lightening speed enters the coordinates for transportation to our home planet of La’ggon.
“We need to go now!” Tessa shouts. We turn as one to look at her. She stands fists clenched and ready for battle. Where in the gods did this come from? One minute she is a meek and terrified human, the next she is ordering us about like she’s our equal. Tessa meets my eyes as though reading my thoughts. “I am your e
qual,” she hisses. “What is happening to your human mate, brother?” Ultimo roars at me shielding Alere from Tessa, as she continues to shimmer and grows taller, blue horns protruding from her back and down her arms.
“You didn’t think I was all human did you, my mate? I’ve waited lifetimes for you to find me. You owe me ions of adventures,” Tessa says, her face a mask of sheer determination.
Beside me Alere laughs. “Ultano, your mate is surprising me more and more with each passing second. And I’m loving it!”
Jumping into the transporter I clench my hand arm the arm of my mate before being hurtled through time and space.
The End
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About the Author
Michelle McLoughney is an Irish author of contemporary, Sci-Fi, and paranormal romance. When she’s not dreaming up the perfect meet-cute, she enjoys cocktails and cake with her group of besties. Michelle lives in the south west of Ireland surrounded by castles and cliffs. It stands to reason that her first love would be a well-worn copy of Emily Bronte’s, Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff may not be the perfect hero, sometimes brooding and cruel, but always passionate. As such he shaped Michelle’s love of the perfectly imperfect Hero. Join her for some intense stares, and plenty of passionate kisses.
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A Very Alien Christmas: A Limited Edition Collection of Holiday Alien Romance Page 18