I watched him twist his head further to the side and look through the few errant strands of his dark hair as he absorbed my question.
‘No, this is what they fucking do.’
With the words barely out of his mouth, his lips came crashing down to mine. My body was forced backwards against the door under his sudden onslaught. My mouth, which had been open ready to retaliate with more words of anger, reacted immediately and was suddenly trying to consume his. I’d forgotten just how good Raff could kiss, he paid loving attention to every single sensitive nerve ending and I was lost to all the sensations, to the want and need he conjured up inside me. The kiss felt like more than just spur of the moment passion, I could feel his fury, his impatience and his need to control. I needed to push him away, but as soon as that thought occurred to me, it was as if he read my mind. His large hands came up to cup either side of my face and he held me there, at his mercy. At the touch of his lips on mine, my body had started to ignite, a hot pit of long forgotten fire uncurled deep inside my stomach and it spread quickly until I was a molten mess in his hands. The more his tongue caressed mine, the more any notion I had of pushing him away dissipated.
I was gone, so far gone I stood no chance of removing him from me. The battle was over.
Damn him to hell.
He’d demanded.
And I’d let him take.
I was trapped between the want, need and desperation for the man I had been in love with for seventeen years, and all the hurt he had caused me. I brought my hands up to the bare skin above his waistband and felt a shiver devour me as our flesh connected. I held on for dear life as I silently gave him permission to carry on. Holding me captive with his mouth on mine, he pushed his hard, muscular body against mine, pinning me against the door with his hips and steel like erection. Happy that I was secure in his hold, his hands travelled down my neck, trailing his thumbs slowly over my throat. Finally, they stilled over the already sensitive bare skin of my shoulders.
‘You are so fucking beautiful, Lauren,’ he whispered into the small fissure he had created between our mouths.
As his lips found my bare neck, I waved the white flag of surrender. I was ready to take everything he was offering and to give him back anything he demanded.
A heavy knocking sounded behind us and Raff broke away. Lifting his head, his eyes remained fixed on mine, but he couldn’t hide the regret trapped within them. His hands left my shoulders and simultaneously he smacked his open palms onto the door either side of my head as he showed his anger.
‘Lauren, are you okay in there?’ I could hear the concern in Winter’s voice as she spoke from the other side of the door.
I touched my swollen lips with my fingertips as Raff moved further away and turned his back to me as he straightened himself out. Then he whispered the words I didn’t want to hear.
‘I’m sorry, Loz. I shouldn’t have done that.’
Seventeen years had come and gone, but with one simple sentence he had taken us right back. He regretted what he had done and I was once again left rejected and confused. I leant my head back onto the door behind me and closed my eyes, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall.
Winter hammering on the door again brought me out of my pit of despair.
‘YES…YES. I’m fine, Winter. The door’s stuck. You need to get a screwdriver to the catch… apparently,’ I shouted back to answer her banging.
‘Thank God! I was getting worried you’d been taken ill. Just relax, I’ll find one somewhere.’
‘Taken ill?’ he questioned as he turned back around.
I glared back at him and shook my head, refusing to answer his question. He broke our eye contact first and turned back to where he was sitting a few minutes previously.
I heard Winter’s heels clopping off into the distance as she left the other side of the pantry door. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling extremely cold at the loss of his body on mine. I watched Raff’s back as he grabbed up his creased suit jacket from the marble he’d been sitting on, forced his arms back into it and straightened himself up.
‘I need to know. Why exactly are you here, Raff?’ My voice was small and shaky, but I was determined to stand strong and to get some of the answers I felt he owed me.
He turned around to look at me and with his arms hanging down by his sides he began to crack the knuckles on his fingers. ‘I’m back for lots of reasons.’
‘Uh, huh,’ I agreed with him. ‘So, are you using me as some sort of ego boost? Or a bet? Poor old Rafferty, doesn’t have enough women throwing themselves down at his feet, let’s see if he can fuck Lauren, for old time’s sake?’
‘You’re so far off the fucking mark, its laughable.’ He smirked at my growing anger.
‘Really? I’ve been trying hard to work it all out, but I don’t see it. I’m sure you’ve more money than most people can dream of. You could live anywhere in the world you wanted. But you’ve chosen to come back to a small village in England, deep in the Kent countryside. A village, that at eighteen you couldn’t wait to leave behind along with all the rest of us in it,’ I accused.
He pushed his hands deep into his trouser pockets and stared at me as he shook his head. ‘Money doesn’t buy you everything.’ He sighed. ‘I always wanted to live in our village and you fucking know it, Loz.’ His voice grew in strength as he answered me. ‘And I never wanted to leave here, because you, Mum and Winter meant too much to me, but you knew I had to go.’ I could hear the pain in his voice as I opened up the Pandora’s box of history between us, but I was on a bloody roll and couldn’t even begin to think about stopping.
‘Mmmm… You say I meant too much to you? You were my whole world, I ran away from home and followed you to the U.S. But I didn’t even mean enough to you for you stay by my bedside in Vegas, did I?’ I pushed myself away from the door, feeling a sudden surge of strength as I pressed him with my words.
I wasn’t proud of myself for hurting him, but some things you can go your whole life carrying around, I’d done it for years and I knew it wasn’t healthy. I needed to voice the sentence I had only ever said before inside my head. ‘So, you need to listen to me. If you’re back here for me, Raff, then know this, that ship sailed a long time ago.’
Raff stepped back into my space and grabbed hold of my forearms, sending another annoying zing around my body, then he pulled me towards him until every inch of me was touching some part of him. He buried his fingertips into the back of my arms and held on tightly. I could feel the beat of his heart against my chest. His warm breath hit the shell of my ear as he bent his head down and spoke into it, causing the skin around it to tingle. The undeniable fresh smell of Raff rose up with the heat of his body and into my nostrils. It was an automatic response when I inhaled deeply.
‘You’re right, you are one of the reasons I’m back here… Brody has been taking the piss out of me about you for the last few years. But truthfully, I didn’t believe it myself until I saw you again. I thought I was coming home so I could find the peace I’ve been searching for. Fuck knows I needed to make a proper home for Flint and I wanted this new business venture to help to ground all of us in the band…’
I went to interrupt him but he seemed to sense it and acted faster, moving his head suddenly and grabbing my face with one hand he placed his lips quickly down onto mine in a chaste, but rough kiss. I was stunned, and when he pulled away just as rapidly, I couldn’t talk. Then he carried on as if nothing had happened.
‘… cause Christ knows we’ve been spinning so far off the fucking rails in the last ten years we need it, we need this place to simply survive.’ He stopped talking momentarily and sucked in his bottom lip as he thought. ‘You know, I’d hoped I could see you, that we could talk and clear the air, because I had reasons for the decision I made all those years ago and someday you are going to hear me out on them. But seeing you now and holding you, all those other reasons for being here feel like complete fucking bullshit… YOU are the
reason I’m back here. It’s still there between us isn’t it, Lauren?
No! It can’t be.
I felt my eyes open wider in fear, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I stepped back, wrenched my one arm from his hold and moved back to the door, unconsciously bringing my fingers up to my lips to touch where he’d kissed me yet again.
‘What?’ I managed to force out in disbelief. ‘What’s there?’
‘The love, the passion, the pain…’ His tone dropped as he went on. ‘I’ve never had this emotional connection with anyone else. You’re it and I’m ashamed to say, without a doubt I knew that all those fucking years ago and I let you go. You’ve gotta believe me when I say, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my life. Leaving you is, and always will be, the biggest regret of my life.’
I was enraged.
No, I was fucking furious.
How bloody dare he?
‘Little old me? Surely not? Perhaps that should be saved for the breakdown of your marriage to a woman you loved enough to stay with. Shouldn’t that be your biggest regret?’
God, I’m a sarcastic bitch.
I saw pain flicker through his eyes once again and I shook my head at him. ‘It’s too bloody late, Rafferty, and STOP kissing me.’ My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t sure if it was in anger or from the fact that I wanted him to take me back into his arms and to kiss me properly. Then my voice quietened as the hurt came flooding back like a tsunami. ‘You left me,’ I whispered into the emotionally charged air.
The anguish was there in between us both, stripped bare and hurting like hell. The pain in my chest was threatening to open wide and swallow me whole.
I needed to get out of here. My emotions were rolling back and forth and upside down. Once again anger took over as my eyes filled with pain induced tears.
‘Just who the hell do you think you are? You don’t get to bounce in and out of my life, like a bloody yo-yo just because I happen to cross your mind occasionally. What we had between us was years ago, you were my whole world. But you need to listen to all the past tenses I’m using here, Raff. It’s over… YOU. LEFT. ME!’
‘I know what the fuck I did! And you don’t fucking cross my mind, you live in my mind every fucking second of the day.’ He lifted his left hand and tapped his index finger against his temple. ‘You’re imprinted deep down inside me, the way you smell, the way you smile, the way you move, and the way your skin reacts to my touch. I dream about the way your lips move and part just a little as I bend to kiss you, like they’re giving me an open invitation. And just so you know, you still do that just for me.’
‘I’m with Toby,’ I forced out between gritted teeth, using him as my last-ditch attempt at keeping Raff at arm’s length.
My words obviously hit home, his fists clenched making his forearms strain against his leather cuffs and bracelets. He looked down to the floor, pushing his arms straight down to his sides and let out a loud exhale.
When he lifted his head, and composed himself, amusement had spread across his face.
‘Winter said you had someone and then you also told me.’ A small laugh left his mouth. ‘But, I heard most of your conversation in here today… You’re not in a relationship with that stupid wanker on the end of the phone, it’s more like a fucking business arrangement.’
I shook my head at his words, but I knew they were true. ‘I am, and we’re going to get married.’
Watching him shake his head and tut at me was maddening.
‘You’ve gotta be fucking joking,’ he stated.
‘No, I’m not. I love him.’
The sound of his sudden laughter filled the air around us as his head tipped back. Then all at once his eyes were back on mine and penetrating my crumbling resilience with an angry swirl of grey.
‘You might think you love him, but you’re not in love with him. There’s a huge fucking difference.’
‘How the hell would you know how I feel?’ I spat out in anger at his assumptions.
I watched the cocky bastard nod his head. ‘Oh, believe me I fucking know… Because there is no way in hell a woman like you would let me touch her if she did. He’s a fool, he had an opportunity to claim you as his and he did a fucking poor job, and that will be his downfall. He doesn’t make you smile or laugh enough. He doesn’t love you as much as he should and he certainly doesn’t kiss you as much as a passionate woman like you needs kissing.’
The tension between us ramped up several degrees as once again he stepped nearer. He bent his knees and crouched down slightly in front of me, making our eyes level. ‘You should be kissed all the time, you were made for it. Hell, I tutored you for it. You need to be kissed every hour, every minute and every second of every day, by me and only me. I’m going to make sure that happens from now on.’
‘Oh no, you bloody won’t!’ I almost screeched out.
He nodded and raised a questioning eyebrow at me. ‘Loz, believe me when I say, I know that this between us isn’t over and it never will be. Very soon you’ll be begging me to fucking kiss you. You’re mine… forever and always.’
The words he uttered were like being slapped around the face and I woke up from the dream I had allowed myself to almost stupidly follow him into.
I heard the connection of metal on metal and then the air was suddenly sucked out of the pantry as the door was forcibly pulled open.
I turned and fled quickly through the gap and past Winter’s questioning expression.
‘What the hell is going on?’ My little sister asked as Lauren rushed past her. I tried to keep my eyes on her to see where she was going, but I could feel Winter’s violet-blue eyes boring into the side of my head and looked over at her instead.
I knew Winter’s question had been directed straight at me.
‘The door closed behind us.’ I shrugged at her as I made my way out of the cold pantry and back into the heat of the kitchen. I looked around, Lauren was gone.
‘The door closed behind you? I don’t believe that for a minute. Lauren knew the door was iffy. And even if it had, how did you both end up in there together?’ I watched her cross her arms over her chest and she stared at me with the same penetrating gaze she had been using on me since she was a toddler.
‘Okay, I needed to talk to her… we need to talk to each other.’
‘I agree. But, let me get this right. You shut her in a room with you? Even for you, that sounds a little… what’s the word? Oh yes, unhinged.’ I looked down following a sudden noise, to see the toe of her Louboutins beginning to gently tap on the slate flooring and held back a grin I knew would wind her up even more.
‘I came to find her in a rare few minutes of downtime and saw her going into the pantry, it’s not as if I dragged her in there kicking and screaming.’
‘But, you made sure she couldn’t get out?’ Her voice was quieter now, but her anger was still just below the surface waiting to cut off my dick.
I ran my hand through my hair with exasperation, knowing she was right.
‘Yes.’
‘Seriously, Rafferty? You need to think before you act in future.’ I watched as she shook her head from side to side. ‘She has anxiety attacks.’ Her voice dropped to a low whisper.
‘She does? Fuck.’ I felt every bit the complete fucking bastard I already knew I was.
Winter grabbed hold of my arm, and suddenly we were moving. Her tight fist screwed up the fabric of my expensive Armani suit, as she dragged me back inside the pantry. The kitchen had begun to fill with the waiting staff, looking for more trays of food. I followed her lead and as soon as we were both inside the door she pulled it to. I found a ledge behind me and placing the back of my thighs against it, I leant back to listen to what she wanted to say to me in private.
I owed her that much at least.
‘You need to understand a few things. You, leaving Lauren, left her with more than heartbreak…’ She walked over, crossed her arms over her chest and leant next to me. ‘I’m a shit fr
iend, I shouldn’t be telling you any of this, she’s one of my best friends.’
‘No, you probably shouldn’t, but as your brother I appreciate it.’
Winter’s hand came up and touched my arm making me look at her. ‘She’s suffered really badly with anxiety issues for years, and they only started once her parents brought her back from Vegas, when you were no longer on the scene. Although, they have been less frequent since she opened The Fairy Garden.’
‘The Fairy Garden?’’ I felt my forehead crease as I pondered her words.
‘Yes, her tearoom. What of it?’ She glared at me and my stupid question.
‘Nothing.’ I shook my head at her.
‘Shutting her in a room, Raff, that was a shit move!’ Her voice raised and then, remembering where we were, she whispered to me. ‘You wouldn’t know this, but she has never spoken to Amy or me about what exactly happened between you two. Amy and I have often talked about whether Lauren knew the reason you left her? I’m your sister and you’ve never confided in me either… although, I have to say we’ve got our thoughts on what happened.’
‘Yeah, I bet.’ I couldn’t help the anger that came out as I answered her. ‘Go on then, let’s think.’ I paused for a split second in sarcasm. ‘Couldn’t keep his fucking dick to himself is probably in the No.1 spot.’
‘I’m sorry to say, it’s one of the possibilities we’ve thought of, yes. Lauren told us a few weeks before she came home about Ashley hanging around you all the time and you did end up marrying her.’
‘There was nothing going on then, not for me anyway.’ I sighed as I spoke, I’d known all along how it looked.
‘Then maybe you should have confided in me and I wouldn’t have had to think so badly of you?’ I saw her shoulders shrug as she questioned me.
I blew out a long exhale, feeling my nostrils widen. ‘The only person who needs to know why, is Lauren. I appreciate your concern but it’s our business and no one else’s.’
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 9