I tried to move my face from his tightening grip, to shake my head at him, but his grip tightened.
‘Do you understand?’ he asked, as I tried to remove my eyes from his deepening gaze.
My hands came up to hold his. ‘You’ve got it wrong, Raff.’
‘Yeah?’ His eyebrows raised in question and concern and his knees bent as he looked at me again with our eyes at the same level.
‘I love you so much, Raff Davenport. So much it scares me.’ The previously blinked away moisture once again poured into the bottom of my eyes. ‘I want us to always be this way. I know we’re young, but I can’t see myself in the future without you. I’m only sixteen but I know I’ll never love anyone the way I love you... I love you so much it terrifies me. I want you to always look at me the way you do now. So, you see, it’s not the thought of being with you that scares me, it’s the thought of us not being together that frightens me.’
I watched his eyes fill with tears at my words as his lips came down to kiss the tip of my nose. For a few seconds, we stayed in that position as we held each other close and tried to convey our feelings wordlessly to each other, until his lips left me again.
‘Don’t be scared, Loz… There’s no need. Without you there is no me. I already know that I’ll hold you in my heart forever. Music is my life, but you? You’re more… you’re the very reason my heart beats. Everything I write and play is because your love inspires me. You make me see and feel things that I’m sure any other bloke my age wouldn’t even imagine existed.’ He stopped speaking for a moment to refocus his thoughts and stood back up to his full height. His mouth came down to the top of my head and he rested his lips against my hair. ‘You make me whole, and without you my existence would be pointless. Wherever I go, you’re coming too, because I told you, Loz, me and you are always and forever.’
Suddenly, he was back in front of me. A smile ghosted his lips and I smiled back. The dull ache that had momentarily filled my heart lifted away with my confession and his confirmation that he felt just as strongly about us.
He sniffed suddenly, blinked his eyes and cleared his throat. ‘Now, serious shit over with, can we get on with me romancing you?’
‘Romancing me?’ I smiled back.
He moved quickly, revealing what he had organised.
I lifted my hand and placed it over my heart as I took in the scene. We were on the roof of his family’s stately home and the view was striking. But, it was what he had prepared that took my breath away. To one side of the huge roof, in a small secluded area, he had thrown down various blankets and pillows. He had hung fairy lights between the tall, narrow chimneys that jutted out from various obscure places. A small picnic basket was sat to one side of the blankets, along with a small digital radio and his acoustic guitar, which was leant against the base of a chimney stack.
‘It’s magical, just look at all the fairy lights,’ I whispered.
I felt his hand grab mine as he stood to the side of me. His fingers threaded in between my fingers and then he lifted up my hand in his to press his mouth to it.
‘Good, I’m glad you like it.’ I looked over at him to see him twist his head a little to the side as he shrugged. ‘I have to be honest though, I had a bit of help.’ His spare hand came up to show me his thumb and index finger showing a small gap between them.
I grinned at his response. ‘Let me think,’ I began playfully. ‘Music by you? Food by Mrs. Clark? Design by Winter?’
Letting go of my hand suddenly he clutched at his heart and pretended to fall backwards. ‘You wound me.’
‘STOP IT!’ I shrieked at him, remembering we were up high on the roof. Laughing loudly, he righted himself and grabbing at my hand again, he pulled me into his body. With his arms wrapped around me tightly he pressed his mouth quickly to mine.
‘Come on, sweet sixteen, let’s get this party started.’
Having eaten all the things Mrs. Clark had made for us, we had turned on the radio and to whatever they played we managed to find the slowest beat to dance to. With our arms entangled around each other we danced, talked and made out under the stars.
One song blended easily into another as we kissed and explored each other without fear of being interrupted.
‘You’re so fucking beautiful.’ One of his hands left my back and casually his thumb brushed over the ridiculously sensitive skin of my lips as he stared at me in what seemed like amazement. ‘I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you look so alive. Your eyes are huge and your lips are full of colour, it looks like kissing me is better for you than any fucking make-up.’
‘Being with you, makes me feel alive,’ I answered, and feeling brave I ground one hip against his erection causing him to widen his nostrils as he drew a quick intake of breath. He answered me in kind as he smiled, narrowed his eyes and his hands moved their hold on my body. They went down behind me, flicked up the back of my short skirt and he grabbed on to the bare skin of my bum cheeks, lifting me off the ground. All at once we were moving as he begun to walk me backwards towards the pile of blankets and pillows on the floor.
Ronan Keating’s – If Tomorrow Never Comes, came on the radio.
‘Stop for a minute, please… I love this one,’ I whispered into his neck and he met my request by instantly stopping his advance. He lifted me further up into his arms and I gave in to what felt like the most natural thing in the world. I lifted myself further up his torso with his help, wrapped my bare legs around his waist and looped my arms over his shoulders. Our mouths found each other’s with more passion than I had ever felt between us before and he began to move us slowly around to the song. I heard every word Ronan sang and pictured us in my mind’s eye as the couple he sang about. By the time the song had finished and he’d pulled himself away from me, I was so turned on I could barely think straight. Once again, he was walking, the radio played on but no other song penetrated my thoughts, my head was full of Raff and us. He found the blankets and cushions and slowly lowered us both down.
What happened between us happened naturally, almost organically. It was like it was written that we would find each other and consummate our love under the stars. Wordlessly, he began to worship me with his heart, his honesty and his touch. He undressed me slowly, every piece of my skin that he bared to his eyes was kissed and savoured. After the few pieces of clothing I had been wearing had been removed, he draped a corner of a blanket over me and stood up. I watched, unable to tear my eyes away as he kicked off his boots, removed his jacket, T-shirt and finally almost on a go slow he flicked open his belt and unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them and his boxers down his hips. It was the first time I’d ever seen a man naked and Raff was beautiful, more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. For a few seconds, he stood in front of me completely unabashed at his lack of clothes. As he questioned me with his eyes, unknowingly he tilted his head to the side. Silently, he asked for the answer to an unspoken question, his silver-grey eyes finding mine as he looked through the longer strands of his hair. I replied by offering my hand up to him, he accepted it willingly and fell back down into my arms.
Slowly and gently we explored each other until finally he penetrated me, easing my fears with his words and actions as he did so. Once he was convinced I was comfortable and he was satisfied I was enjoying it as much as him he quickened his pace, answering my pleas to him to help me quell the ache that had built up inside me. We came apart in each other’s arms, declaring how much we loved each other. I watched as my beautiful man called out my name before he collapsed onto my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt like the older of the two of us. I wrapped my arms tightly around the seemingly vulnerable man in my arms and tears once again fell down my cheeks.
Sensing my tears, his head lifted from my shoulder and he looked down at me with concern.
‘Awwww, Loz, don’t cry, please don’t cry. Did I hurt you?’ He seemed so young as he questioned me.
I shook my head at him, unable to voice all the feelings that were
coursing rapidly around my system.
‘Lauren, you’re gonna give me a complex if you cry every time I make love to you.’ He gently placed his lips to mine and then lifted his head away. He moved in my hold until he had removed his weight from me. He propped himself up on his elbows either side of my face and looked down at me. I gazed up into his face, realising that in that minute I’d never loved him more. His hair was a sweaty mess and his eyes showed just how exhausted he felt. Releasing an arm, I pushed his hair away for him and offered him a smile.
In one swift movement, which made me squeal out loud, he rolled onto his back taking me with him. Comfortable in his hold, I laid my head down onto his chest
‘I’ll never forget this evening.’ The evening sky had darkened and the stars were out and twinkling down on us. He kissed my forehead as he tightened his hold on me. ‘Thank you, Raff. I can’t believe you did all of this for me.’
‘I’d do anything for you, Lauren… even create a fucking “Fairy Garden.”’ His deep laugh vibrated from his bare chest, underneath my ear.
‘Just to get into my knickers?’ I trailed one finger over his bare chest, teasing his erect nipple with my fingers. His hand moved quickly and slapping down on top of mine he stopped my teasing finger instantly.
‘Fuck me.’ He spoke and half exhaled in reaction to my touch. ‘You learn quick.’
‘I had a good teacher and he’s SO romantic.’
‘The romance was just to get in your knickers.’ I lifted my head and then pulled my hand out from under his and playfully grabbed his face, turning his handsome face towards mine. The moment his silver eyes swirled in front of me and he blew his errant hair away from his face, I knew I would happily walk barefoot to the ends of the earth to be with him.
‘Happy Birthday, Lauren. I’ll love you, forever and always. You’re my girl and don’t you ever forget it.’
I watched his lips speak the words and I placed my mouth down onto his.
I leant down and into the mic, feeling the cold metal brush against my lips as I began to sing. I was completely out of my fucking comfort zone. I was used to backing Brody, but being the lead vocal was something I hadn’t done for what seemed like a fucking lifetime.
In fact, she’d been in the audience the last time I’d sung lead, back in Vegas.
I was hoping Lauren was somewhere nearby as I poured my heart into every word that left my mouth. The song wasn’t one that I’d ever liked, but I remembered that night on the roof of my old family home, like it was fucking yesterday. Listening to the words being sung, moving around, holding her in my arms and kissing her like she was all I needed to survive, was imprinted into my soul.
I’d watched earlier as Winter slipped into the drawing room off to the side of the ballroom as we began to set up. I could have bet everything I owned that Lauren and her cousin Amy were in the room with her, celebrating Winter’s success with the Champagne she’d wheeled in on a trolley.
As I went into the first chorus Cade and Luke joined in with my acoustic and I hoped the increased volume was enough for Lauren to hear.
I sang with all my heart how “If tomorrow never comes” for us, I’d want her to know how I felt and then lifted my eyes to search the doorway I was sure she was still behind.
When I found her there, leaning against the wall with her eyes focussed on me and my singing, my heart leapt. She had barely entered the room, obviously having crept in hoping no one would see her standing there. My voice became stronger as I twisted my head to the side and stared at her, trying to convey the way I felt behind every word I sang.
I took her in, holding one hand over her heart, like she was trying to stop it from hurting, or trying to protect it from me. Or maybe she was trying to stop it beating as our eyes fell into each other’s. I couldn’t be sure, but I loved the fact her mannerisms were everything I remembered from our past. She looked every bit the girl I’d left behind, stood there in her jeans and T-shirt, and my throat began to swell with the emotion I was struggling to keep deep down inside. I cleared it, swallowing down the lump that had formed and missed my next line. My eyes darted back to the audience, made of mainly friends, family and acquaintances. I watched the audience smile back at me, as they thought I’d made a mistake. I offered them a grin and carried on singing, allowing my eyes to dart back and forth between the audience, her and the other side of the room.
All at once one of the few lights we’d had erected for this evening swept past her, reflecting off her wet face. I could see she was crying and I was convinced that her tears were for us. Jealousy released itself inside me and I realised I didn’t want anyone else to witness them but me. I didn’t want her to have to explain to anyone other than me why she was crying, and how she was feeling. I wanted to be the one to comfort her and hold her. I watched as Winter squeezed her hand in solidarity, and offered her a quick nod of thanks.
She deserved much more than a nod of fucking gratitude. Thanks to Winter it seemed we had cleared the overgrown path of communication between us. I hoped that we could just as easily seal over the large cracks of hurt I’d created.
The moment the song ended and Cade’s drumstick came down signalling the final beat, I wanted to jump down off the small stage, run over and take her into my arms. But there were two problems with that want.
One, she still hadn’t heard me out.
Two, I had a set to finish.
The crowd cheered as I stood up and the lighting increased for a couple of minutes while we retook our correct places and I dared to properly look at her for the first time.
I watched as she smiled over to me and whispered a “Thank you.”
That single acknowledgement and the small smile she bestowed on me, to me they meant everything. For the first time since Flint had been born, my heart filled up. It was all I was looking for, that one simple gesture that gave me the confidence to think that she would listen to what I had to say. And the hope that this was always how it was meant to be between us. That this was our story, and finally we had a chance of making our way back to each other.
Luke fist bumped me as he passed me to take his normal place onstage. That one act acknowledged he knew exactly who I was singing for.
Brody grabbed me to him for a man hug and I heard him speak into my ear.
‘At long fucking last, man. She heard ya. I watched her take in every fucking word. We’ve got two more songs to do and then you make sure that this time she doesn’t get away.’
Cade offered me a shit eating grin as I made my way to the guitar rack beside him and I offered him my middle finger in response. I wasn’t convinced he had any idea how I felt, I knew that a long time ago, way back when, he’d lost his heart. That was the only time he’d ever allowed a woman to come close to him, but once he realised, he pushed her away. He didn’t do family, well not anymore, and he never connected with anyone, because he never stayed long enough for anybody to affect him. He went through life like a hot knife cuts through butter, sending the people who dared to try to get close to him spinning away in his wake.
Apart from us in the double D’s, we were his safe place.
I placed my acoustic gently down into the rack and then crouched down. Sitting low and resting back on my haunches made sure that my eyes couldn’t wander into the crowd. I was afraid they would be magnetised straight to her. I wanted to make sure the crowd, who were no doubt by now searching the room for “my girl,” couldn’t watch me and follow my gaze. I waited, lifting the strap of my Gibson up and over my neck and then plugged it into the amp. As Brody ditched our second to last song for one of our biggest hits and the finale to this set, “Regret,” I appreciated that he was ending our set early for me. I knew how much it affected him when he sang it and knew then that I wasn’t the only one feeling fucking emotional tonight. I flicked the amp on, stood and spun back around to face the crowd, only to find her and Winter gone.
Disappointment flooded my system as I looked around as much of the room as I c
ould see with the stage lighting in our eyes and comprehended that I couldn’t find her.
We were four blokes on a small stage in a county of England and between us we had more regrets than the captain of the Titanic.
This was our time, I was convinced of it.
This IS our time. I closed my eyes losing myself to the sound of us and as I played the familiar chords, I prayed. For the first time in Christ knows how long, I fucking prayed.
I prayed she’d be back.
I prayed for forgiveness.
I prayed for acceptance.
I prayed for the chance at a future.
But most of all, I prayed for the chance to hold her in my arms and to once again tell her how much I loved her.
I lovingly held my old Gibson Sunburst and relaxed into the familiar feeling of holding the depth of its body under my forearm. I’d chosen to play this exact guitar tonight, because she’d been with me since the beginning, and holding her in my arm was the second-best thing to holding the woman I loved. As I plucked at the strings with my longer thumb nail on my right hand, I tapped out the rhythm with my fingers on the pick board and then finally, at the right moment, I took my silver plectrum from my mouth and went into the riff. The unmistakable sound of the metal connecting with the strings of my guitar was now my only drug of choice. To be allowed to fashion this sort of magic was the reason I’d left home all those years ago. I touched the strings and I was lost to the sound she created. Most of my life, music and my guitars had been my solace. I’d never let them down and vice versa.
But then that might be because my life had always been about choices. I’d always had to choose one or the other, not once had I been able to have everything that I wanted or needed. Well not anymore, because it was no longer a pattern I was willing to follow. This time I was going to do the right thing by everyone and that included me.
I lost myself into the sounds we were producing and effectively gave Lauren the space she needed away from prying eyes in the room. All the time the song went on I prayed she would be waiting for me when it finished.
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 12