I hadn’t heard him scuttling up behind us, but hearing his voice once again ignited my blood.
So, I took a step away from her as I prepared myself to go. On my terms and not his, I released her. Letting her go flicked a switch inside me. Holding her in my hands had held me solid and in check, now without that connection of skin on skin between us, the rage and anger began to once again take hold.
Without thinking I twisted myself around quickly and placing him where I’d heard his voice last, I swung my left arm with its already closed fist towards his face.
‘JUST. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.’ I roared at the unwelcome bastard.
The feeling of satisfaction as I watched him fall to the floor onto his backside was powerful. The crack as one of the chairs from the tearoom broke underneath him wasn’t.
I heard Lauren scream and another woman’s voice from the doorway.
‘What the hell is going on in here?’ Her shout vibrated throughout the empty space.
Unconsciously rubbing at the knuckles of my still clenched fist, I made my feet move and walked towards the doorway. Lifting my head up, I found the confused looking face of Winter as she took in the sight of Lauren and the debris around her.
‘I’ll be right back, Lauren. I need to take care of something first,’ she called over my shoulder, before she grabbed my forearm tightly and digging her talons through my jumper, she dragged me outside and slammed the door closed behind her.
The cold winter air hit my face as I stepped back outside and into the courtyard. I looked down to where Winter still had hold of my arm.
‘You can let the fuck go.’ My voice came out more threatening than I meant it to and I hurriedly sucked in a cold breath to calm the fuck down.
‘Can I? Can I really?’ She was younger than me, but her tone of voice sounded like she was speaking to a petulant child.
‘YES, for fucks sake… yes.’ I pulled my arm abruptly upwards and out of her vice like grip. Once I’d been set free, I made myself walk further away from the building that held the woman I loved, before I forced my way back in there and threw the wanker she’d got engaged to out on his arse. My hands began to twitch as they almost goaded me to do just that. Holding the chain she’d placed into my hands, I wound it tight around my index finger, still feeling the warmth from her skin radiating from it and groaned out loud. Then linking my hands together, I placed them up behind my neck and willed them to stay right there. Unconsciously, I started to walk around in a small tight circle as I did battle with my inner demons. Coming to an abrupt standstill, I spun back around to focus on the angry looking face of my sister. Her arms were crossed over the top of an expensive cashmere coat and yet another Louboutin shoe tapped up and down as she ran her disappointed gaze over me. The setting behind her could have been that of a perfect fucking Christmas card, snow topped Victorian buildings, twinkling lights from the tearooms and the rich, deep green colour of the surrounding tall evergreens. The only thing wrong was the look of fury on her face and the anger inside of me that was threatening to spill the fuck over.
‘What’s happened?’ she questioned, turning a little to wave one open arm at the building I’d vacated.
‘I’m fucked if I know,’ I replied, spitting my words out into the cold air.
‘That’s not good enough.’ I watched her turning in disbelief, looking at me and then through the condensation filled windows of the tearoom at Lauren.
‘I. KNOW. THAT.’ I shouted out into the still of the empty courtyard and knew my voice had travelled into the tearoom when in my peripheral view, I saw Lauren’s hurt face turn to look out of the window and then just as quickly she turned back to him. I grimaced and looked away. I pushed my hands down deep into the back pockets of my jeans, then filled her in on what had happened last night and this morning, as quickly as I could. ‘I know it’s not fucking good enough, but it’s all I’ve got.’ I spoke again trying hard to keep a lid on my anger.
‘She’s accepted his ring?’ she replied after listening to what I had to say. Her eyes opening wide and the disbelief in her voice gave me hope.
‘Yeah.’
‘I don’t believe it.’
‘Oh, you can fucking believe it. I watched her put his ring on her finger all by herself. As of twenty minutes ago, the only woman I’ve ever really loved got engaged to that fucking twat.’ I pulled my hands from my pockets and linking them together I put them behind my neck.
‘She put it on?’ she replied with her face contorted in question.
For a few seconds, silence filled the space between us. I watched as Winter tried to take in what I’d said, and then as she looked in disbelief through the opaque glass of the arched windows of the tearoom. Thankfully, and fucking painfully all at the same time, I could no longer see Lauren through the steamed glass. Just finding her once in his arms would have been the death of me… or maybe the death of the arsehole in there with her. Releasing my hands from behind my neck, I began to fidget, until I was pacing around and around the courtyard. Trying to push the thoughts in my head away, I pushed up the sleeves on my jumper and began to sort out the many twists of leather and chains on my wrists. Winter stepped nearer to me and placed her small, perfectly manicured hand onto mine. She squeezed slowly, trying to offer me consolation. Then she lifted it quickly and tapped her fingers on mine as she began to speak again.
‘Look, Raff. I need to go in to her. I’m trying to work this all out. I saw her with my own eyes last night when you both came to help us look for Amy. Honestly, I can’t remember having ever seen her so happy. She was right where she was meant to be, at your side with you holding on to her. If everything happened just as you’ve told me it did, then something went wrong this morning, while you were back at The Manor.’
I stabbed the front of my old brown boots into the snow on the ground and flicked small pieces of loose snow up as I thought. ‘How did you know I went back there?’
‘That doesn’t matter, not right now,’ she forcibly pushed into the conversation, shaking her head.
‘But what could have happened while I was gone? She was here looking after the kids.’ As I uttered the words, understanding came crashing down. ‘Flint,’ I whispered, remembering words Lauren had spoken. ‘She said I discard people when they’re no longer useful.’
I watched Winter nod and then grab my arm in solidarity. ‘I’ll do what I can from this end. You need to talk to Flint, you know how mixed up and angry he is.’
‘But, what the fuck could he have said that would have made her react like this?’ I questioned her and felt my forehead pull into a deep frown.
‘I don’t know, that’s what you need to find out. And I’m sorry, but I need you to also see Brody and find out what he’s playing at with Amy. Read him the riot act if you need to. I’ve got one heartbroken friend in there,’ she tilted her head towards the tearooms, ‘and I don’t need another.’
‘Bloody hell, look at this mess.’ I turned at the sound of her voice to witness Winter re-enter The Fairy Garden. Her hands found her hips as her eyes perused the furniture all over the floor.
I couldn’t offer her anything. So, I acknowledged her presence by just about managing to nod my head towards her.
‘Okay, I’ve got a while. So, lets sort out this place, shall we?’
I watched her lose her camel coloured coat and reveal the immaculately put together outfit underneath it and had never been more grateful for her organising capabilities than I was at that moment.
I let go of a juddering exhale and dropping the cold wad of paper towels I’d been half-heartedly holding against Toby’s right cheekbone, I sank down into the chair I knew was still behind ne.
Winter’s here and I can let go.
Amy, Winter and I knew almost everything about each other and I knew I could rely on her to help me through this. The emotions colliding inside of me were too much to ignore any longer. I needed to let them out. I could feel the storm rising up and smashing against itself. The t
ears that had been building up inside me for too long began to chase each other down my cheeks and I could taste the salt on my lips as they ran over them to then drip off my chin. I made no attempt to wipe them away, I hadn’t the strength.
An audibly loud sob left my mouth and I knew I’d effectively uncorked what was about to happen. No napkin tearing, or number crunching, was going to stop what was about to happen to me. The pain gathering inside of me was far too big to keep stored any longer.
My heart began to pound as the anxiety began to assemble itself inside me and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before it took over.
‘Okay, Toby. I think I can take it from here. Lauren doesn’t look too well and you need someone who can help you with your face… Is your mum at home?’ I heard Winter’s voice as she grabbed Toby by the elbow and tried to make him stand, to guide him towards the doors.
Sitting further back into the same chair I’d been sitting on, on and off all day, I watched as the tearoom began to fade into the background. The vibrant Christmas decorations lost their strength and seemed so washed out, it felt like I was watching a B movie. I could see Toby standing up and looking over at me as I drifted away. Then I watched Winter’s mouth moving and then her pulling him by the elbow she had a firm grip on, as she directed him to leave the building.
My heart rate began to accelerate and the air I was drawing in was now only arriving in small gasps. My head began to spin and just when I didn’t think it was possible, my heart rate increased again. Blood whooshed past my eardrums over, and over again and holding my hands out in front of me, I could see my new engagement ring and my Christmas red nails with hand painted snowflakes on them tremoring. I grabbed one hand with the other and dug my nails down deep into the soft flesh underneath them. The pain was sharp, but it wasn’t nearly enough. It was nowhere near enough. Very quickly I recognised that the whole of my body was beginning to shake, I tried hard to relax into it, but I knew it was no use.
I was no longer in control and my anxiety was.
As Winter closed the door behind Toby and slid the bolt with a resounding clank, I watched him gratefully vacate the porch area and walk to his car. I knew he couldn’t cope with my attacks and I was happy to no longer have him around to witness my breakdown.
A cry of pain that sounded like a wounded animal in the dead of night escaped my mouth. I thought fleetingly how very poignant that was. I was wounded, mortally wounded. My heart was broken and I felt like I’d been left behind floundering in the darkness. I slammed my hand over my heart to push against the heightened sense of pain trapped within me as it tried to burst free. I heard Winter’s shoes click hurriedly across the tiles and suddenly she was stood beside me.
‘You’re okay, Lauren. I’ve got you… use this.’
Kneeling in front of me, Winter, with a flick of her wrist, opened one of the pink paper bags we used for takeaways and grabbing hold of my hands she held them and it in place over my mouth and nose. Her beautiful violet eyes found mine and never left. Together we looked deeply inside each other and I knew she didn’t shy away from what she found.
‘That’s it… calm breaths. In through the nose, hold it and out through your mouth.’
The touch of her warm caring hands on mine and the strength and stability in her voice gently persuaded me down from the height of the strangulating anxiety that had wrapped its hold around me like a python. Slowly, following her voice as we held the paper bag together, my breathing deepened and my heartbeat began to slow as the python once again relaxed its coils and began to release me.
‘In through the nose, out through the mouth. You’ve got this, Lauren and I’ve got you… in through the nose and out through the mouth.’
Gradually, I released the hands I had been desperately holding on to and relaxing our arms together we let the pink paper bag drop from the front of my face.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered up to her.
‘There’s no need to thank me,’ she answered as she pulled a chair up behind her to sit back onto and then gently pulled me into her hold. For a while we rocked each other slightly side to side, while I cried the rest of my fears and emotions onto her shoulder.
‘You must think I’m weak?’
She pulled apart from me so she could once again look into my eyes.
‘Don’t you dare think that. I know what you’ve been through and what you live with daily. Don’t ever think that… Have you taken a good look around you?’
I gently shook my head at her. ‘Well do so and take in all that you’ve achieved.’ She gesticulated around us at The Fairy Garden and I managed a small half-hearted smile.
‘Do you want to tell me about it?’ she questioned.
I nodded, but not knowing quite where to start I took the easy way out and replied. ‘I’ve got engaged to Toby.’
‘That means nothing, engagements get broken all the time.’
‘Not this one. I’ve made my bed and now I’ll lie in it.’
A loud sigh left her. ‘This isn’t the nineteen fifties you know. That sort of martyrdom is no longer required.’
‘He’ll look after me.’
I watched her stand up in front of me and looked up at her to see a flash of irritation move over her fine bone structure.
‘Lauren, how can you possibly think that? I’m sorry to sound like I’m rubbing your nose in it, but he can’t even cope with your anxiety attacks. You don’t need to marry someone to be looked after. I know you don’t feel it now, but you’re more than capable of looking after yourself and when you’re not… well, we’re here to help you.’
‘I understand and I’m grateful for you and Amy, but I want more and at least he won’t hurt me, Winter.’
She stepped back and flung her arms up into the air in frustration. Then her eyes were back on mine.
‘As opposed to…?’ When I didn’t answer, but only shook my head she asked the question another way. ‘Who will hurt you?’ When I still said nothing, she carried on, having made her own conclusion. ‘So, that’s it?... You’re giving up on the HEA you’ve always dreamt about, the one that you’ve told Amy and I was out there for all of us…’ I rolled both of my lips over my teeth, and nodded. I watched her begin to shake her head at me in disbelief. ‘If that’s the truth, then you’re right. Toby probably won’t hurt you. But, that’s not a basis for a good, loving marriage.’ She studied me a little closer and then carried on. ‘If you marry him, then you’re going to do a damn fine job of hurting yourself. You won’t need anyone else to do it for you.’
‘Winter, you don’t understand.’
She let out a slow exhale and shaking her head at me she spoke again. ‘Then explain it to me? Tell me what happened in here this morning. Flint obviously said something to you, because it couldn’t have been Brielle. You’ve pushed Raff away and I can’t work out why.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I shook my head at her, knowing I couldn’t betray Flint’s confidence and remembering that Raff was her brother, and her sympathies would have to be split between us.
‘What are you sorry for?’ She reached out and took my hand in hers.
‘Raff and I… you’ve been left piggy in the middle.’
‘Forget all about that, you’re my friend first. Tell me what went on here today. Tell me what I only saw the finale to. I haven’t seen an anxiety attack like the one that had you in its grasp, in years and I know something huge triggered it.’
I watched her beautiful, animated figure in front of me and shook my head at her a little.
‘Not this time, Winter… I can’t. I need to move on with my life and not dwell on the what might have been.’
‘As your friend, I want to shake you until you share it all with me.’ She studied me closely and raised a questioning eyebrow at me as I sat silently under her perusal. ‘But, I won’t. I’m always here for you, day or night. All you need to do is pick up the phone. Do you understand me?’
I offered her a nod and a small smile at her word
s, although it was more a smile of relief that she was going to let it go. Normally, Winter was like a dog with a bone.
‘But, I need to say this… You’re using Toby as a shield, Lauren, and it’s not right. Not for him, not for Rafferty and most definitely not for you.’
Having driven her point home, she leant over to hug me briefly and when she stood back up, I could see that her emotion for my situation had once again been held in check.
‘Right, so I’ll make you a cup of tea, then we’ll set about clearing up this mess.’ Her head turned around as she surveyed the damage her brother had left in his wake. ‘It shouldn’t take too long, the only thing broken is the chair that Toby’s fat arse fell heavily onto.’
‘Winter!’ I berated her, feeling a smile twitch at the corners of my mouth.
Bending over she righted the nearest chair to her and pushed it under the table.
‘Oh, sorry… I shouldn’t have said that. Let me rephrase, the only thing broken is the chair that your fiancé smashed into with his fat arse.’ She grinned at me and I smiled at her in return. ‘Good you’re back.’
‘Thank you,’ I replied, smiling at her.
Still sitting, I watched as she started walking towards the kitchen.
‘Don’t be too quick to thank me. After that cup of tea we’re having and while we tidy up in here, we’re going to discuss what sort of vibrator to buy you.’
‘WHAT?’ I shrieked at her disappearing figure.
‘Men are trouble, Lauren. It’s about time you and Amy realised that they’re only around for the short haul, whereas a vibrator with the right batteries… well you can’t go wrong,’ she shouted from the kitchen. ‘It does the business without all this emotional shit to deal with.’
I let her words sink in for a moment and had to admit, I was starting to come around to her way of thinking.
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