I opened the door up quickly and slammed it shut, and with one hand still behind me on the door lock I twisted it to send it home, effectively making sure that no one could disturb us. Whatever happened in here in the very near future was between Flint and I, it had been a long fucking time coming and I wasn’t letting either of us leave until we’d cleared a pathway through the crap life had thrown at us.
Only after feeling the lock hit home did I have the guts to lift my head up and focus my eyes on him. The scene I found was like a punch to the gut. In that single moment, as I took in his posture, I felt more ineffective than I’d ever felt in my life. The realisation of what he must be going through tore into me.
My son, the boy I would move heaven and fucking earth for, was sitting behind his kit, driving his protesting body on and on to keep hitting the hell out of it. I knew watching him that his drum kit had become his life, his hopes and dreams and right here in this minute he couldn’t see any way through the pain and confusion to the other side. His long dark hair was wet with sweat and was stuck fast in several places to his face. I couldn’t see his eyes through the damp strands, but I knew if I could that I’d find them red and raw with the anguish that was seeping from his body. His dark grey sleeveless vest was marked with sweat and was stuck in places to his adolescent body.
The tears I’d been holding in since leaving Lauren, spilt down my face and spurred on my need to hold him in my arms.
I moved quickly away from the door and towards the small bay window to where his drum kit had been set up when I’d had the room decorated especially for him. When I was only two feet away from him, his head lifted as my feet found their way into his peripheral view.
‘NO!’ he screamed, aiming that one word at me as he tried to keep me away.
His drumming stopped abruptly. Lifting both of his knees up he landed his feet centrally into the bass drum. The whole of the carefully set up kit collapsed; drums, stands and cymbals were sent spewing in all directions. I stopped dead in my tracks, unsure of where to tread next as the debris landed into my legs and rolled over my feet.
The room that had been so alive with noise was suddenly still.
‘Go away, leave me alone… I don’t want you in here.’ Flint spoke in between the sobs he was releasing and then almost inhaling again, as his body went into spasm in his distress.
‘I’m sorry, Flint, but I can’t do that. I can’t do that because you’re my son. I can’t do it because I love you too much to.’
For the first time since entering the room I saw a flash of his stormy grey eyes behind his wall of dark hair. He raised his left hand quickly and threw the only things he had left in his arsenal. The drumsticks were well aimed and although I saw them coming I didn’t lift a hand to defend myself.
I wanted to feel his anger. Hell, I was sure I deserved it.
The sticks hit me square in the face, causing me to wince in pain and then they clattered to the floor.
Now, he was fully exposed and vulnerable. And so was I.
I shifted the strewn equipment away from the path I needed to tread, pushing it to either side with my boots and carried on walking towards him.
‘Don’t you ever listen to me. I don’t want YOU HERE!’ The words he started to speak got louder as he tried to stop me advancing.
‘Too late, Flint. I’m your dad and I’ll always be here. Whether you want me to be or not.’
‘I don’t want any of this and I don’t want you.’
He moved quickly off the stool he’d been sitting on up to now and retreated further into the bay window behind him. Sitting on his backside with his black, denim-clad knees bent and his arms wrapped tightly around them, he dipped his head. His face was completely obscured by the long lengths of dark hair as it fell forward. I knew he was crying as I watched his body shake and shudder as he tried to breathe through it. But, at least the manic frenzy seemed to have passed and I was fucking grateful.
I moved forward until there was enough space for me to turn around. Using my boots, I carefully shifted some more of the wreckage out of my way and sat down. I leant my back against the cold, outer wall behind me and taking a deep breath I put Lauren’s silver chain away in my pocket, reached for him and pulled him into my arms.
I was worried he would fight and push me away, and although he didn’t assist what I was trying to do, he willingly came into my hold.
Thank fuck.
I don’t know how long we both sat there, time had no significance. I could see out of the window and watched the early afternoon sky beginning to darken. The snow gently fell outside and I tried to take the sense of calm it gave the world as it blanketed our surroundings. I had leant back against the wall with my legs initially open in a large V shape. Once I’d pulled Flint’s side to my chest and wrapped one arm around his now shivering body, I bent my knees and joined my feet together, effectively sealing him in against me. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d allowed me to even hug him, but this now, we both needed.
I stroked my hand over his head, trying to soothe him as he quietly cried in my arms and when I felt the time was right, I began to speak to him.
‘You can tell me anything, Flinty.’
I felt his head shake against my chest.
‘It doesn’t matter how old you are, wherever in the world your feet take you. You will always be mine and your mom’s baby, we’ll always love you.’
I knew he was listening but again my words got no response.
‘Your mom and I don’t get everything right, I know that. But I can promise you we’re trying our best.’
‘You didn’t love me enough to stay together.’ And there it was, I knew I was beginning to unpeel the layers that would lead to whatever it was that had caused his meltdown.
‘Us getting divorced has nothing to do with our love for you. You are, and always will be, the greatest thing your mom and I ever achieved together. We never wanted to hurt you by separating, but we knew without a doubt that us staying together would have become so toxic, we couldn’t have avoided you being hurt in the fallout…’ I took a deep breath and tried again. ‘What I’m trying to say is, we don’t love each other anymore, but we love you with everything we have.’
His head lifted slightly under my chin and I knew he was taking in what I was saying. Uncomfortable in the position I was in, I leant my neck against the windowsill, tilted my head backwards and closed my eyes. I was happy to hold my only child in my arms for as long as he needed and then some.
‘I wasn’t enough though, was I?’
‘What?’ I felt my brow crease up as I gently asked the question.
‘You wanted more children.’
‘I’d love to have more than just you, Flint. Because you’re fucking amazing and you’re the very best thing I’ve achieved in my life. But, if you’re all I ever have, I want you to understand that you’re more than enough.’
I tightened my hold on his body and felt his hand hold on to my forearm.
‘Can I ask you something?’ he questioned.
‘Anything.’
‘If Mom had managed to have any of the other babies, do you think you would still be together?’
Holy fuck. How the hell do I answer a question like that truthfully?
‘You have to remember that Mom and I have been separated for a long time. A child…’ I stopped and bent over to kiss the top of his head. ‘…isn’t responsible for keeping a marriage together and it certainly isn’t responsible for breaking a marriage up. That, son, is completely down to the adults involved.’
‘But, I heard you, Dad.’ My heart lifted at his reuse of a title he’d subjectively stripped from me a while back, but immediately sunk again at what he may have fucking heard. We’d had many loud screaming matches before we’d eventually gone our separate ways.
‘You heard me say what?’ I tentatively asked.
‘I was outside Mom’s hospital room after she lost the baby at the beginning of the year. You said to
her that you weren’t willing to be by her bedside again as she lost another baby… So, what you’re telling me is a crock of shit.’
A loud sob wracked through his body as he emptied his heart of the pain he’d been carrying around for far too long. My hand left from stroking his head and now using both of my arms I wrapped them both around him tight. I wanted him to feel how loved he was, but equally I knew we both couldn’t afford for him to push me away now. The relationship we were set to have for the rest of our lives as father and son, I knew now, hinged on my answer.
‘I think your mom and I have both done wrong in keeping things from you and I can only apologise for both of us. We thought we were protecting you and I can see that by doing that we’ve caused more damage. I know we only divorced this year, but we’ve been separated for years. Although, to you that probably didn’t seem much different with me always being on the road.’ I sighed not knowing how to word what I needed to tell him next. ‘Look, Flint, there’s no easy way to say this, but the last two babies your mom lost, well… they weren’t mine. We were still married and the paparazzi reported that they were.’
‘What?’ he replied as he tried to sit up to look at me.
I held him tighter, needing to hold on to him while I got the rest of the words out. ‘She was already involved with Travis; those pregnancies were his. I needed him to take responsibility for her and them. That’s why I walked away from her in the hospital.’
Silence filled my ears as he thought over what I’d said.
‘Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’m not a baby and you shouldn’t treat me like I’m stupid either.’
‘I know you’re not and no one thinks you’re stupid, but you’re not an adult either. This in between bit is hard for you to steer through, and us. We didn’t want to hurt you and we didn’t see the point in telling you stuff you didn’t need to know.’
‘One or both of you should have told me.’ His tone was accusing and I couldn’t blame him.
Finally, he pulled himself out of my arms. I hesitantly released my hold over him and he turned around to face me. I used my now empty hands to push my hair off my face and back onto my head where it belonged. I watched him wipe his wet face with the back of both hands as he tried to show me how grown up he was.
‘Flint, I’m sorry… I know how stupid this sounds, but we honestly thought we were saving you from the hurt. Truthfully, our marriage was over when you were about five or six. Neither of us wanted another relationship, your mom was happy being the lead guitarist of Default Distraction’s wife and I just went with it. We thought once you got a bit older, some things might be easier for you to understand and hear.’
‘You’ve got to be fucking with me, Dad.’ I watched him turn his head to look at the devastation of the drums around us. ‘The truth is always the best thing to hear, even if it hurts like hell in the beginning.’
I shook my head at him. ‘Your mom and I could learn a lot from you.’
‘Right, well here’s something else you might want to learn… I don’t want to be a drummer anymore.’
‘Okay,’ I replied, still wondering at the fact he taken in all that information I’d given him and was now onto something else.
‘Is it though? I’m not sure Mom will see it the same way. Being in “the business” is in the blood.’
‘Flint, I don’t care what you want to be, all I care about is that you’re happy. You leave Mom to me… anyway she’s got Travis to mould now. So, she’ll let you off the hook for a while, won’t she?’ I offered him a smile and my insides lit up when he smiled back.
‘Yeah,’ he replied and then his smile was gone and I watched his head drop. ‘Was Lauren alright?’ He shifted his body a little and his fingernail started to pick absentmindedly at the charcoal grey carpet in his room. ‘When you saw her this morning?’
‘Why?’ The pain of what had happened between Lauren and I engulfed me and I inhaled a steadying breath. Clasping my hands together, I placed my elbows onto my knees and moved my back off the uncomfortable wall, leaning forward towards him. His head lifted slowly and his eyes once again found mine.
‘I told her some things this morning, that were wrong. But, I didn’t know that until now. I really like her and… I’m sorry, Dad.’
I shook my head at him, letting him know he wasn’t to blame. ‘I had a feeling you might have.’
‘I know she’s the girl you loved before Mom.’ His words were coming out so fast he was almost tripping over them.
‘How the hell did you know that?’ I could hear the surprise in my own voice as I answered him.
‘Just… well, just from things Mom said.’
‘Let me get this straight, Mom told you about Lauren?’
‘She never said her name, but she said you’d loved someone else before her and that she lived in England. I knew it was her, Lauren I mean… in the kitchen the other day when she looked at me like she was seeing a ghost. Then you walked in and she got up immediately and walked out… I really like her, she’s kind and I sort of wanted to warn her about you… Mom said you were coming back for her.’
He said no more, but it all made perfect sense to me. I could almost imagine their conversation and the words that Lauren had left me with, once again went around my head.
You discard people that are no longer of use to you.
I guessed what he’d told her. I could hear in my head how he told her I’d left Ashley when she’d lost another baby, because that’s what the poor kid believed at the time.
‘Did you tell Lauren what I said to Mom at the hospital about me not staying around anymore?’
He nodded his reply, looking guilty.
‘Don’t worry, Flint. You didn’t hurt her, I seem to manage to do that all by my fucking self.’
Managing to smile at him, I leant further towards him and ruffled his hair with my hand. ‘I’m glad you like her, she means a lot to me.’
‘Do you still love her?’ As he asked the question, I was suddenly aware that I could feel her chain in the front pocket of my jeans.
‘Yeah, I do.’ I nodded at him.
‘Then, Dad, I hope you manage to get her back.’
‘I aim to.’ Now I had absolute proof that she’d only got engaged to keep me at arms’ length, nothing was going to keep me away. ‘After New Year, we’re going to go back to Vegas. We’ve got some awards thing to go to. After that, me, you and your mom need to sit down and talk. We need to get everything out in the open… then I’m back here. I don’t know how I’m going to prove to her how much she means to me, but I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying.’
I knew my conversation had probably gone far too deep, so I ruffled his hair again with my hand and smiled.
‘I can come back too, can’t I.’
‘Yeah. I’d love you to.’
‘I can tell Lauren that I got it wrong and apologise.’
‘I’m the one who needs to apologise, not you, Flint.’
The door being knocked made both of our heads turn in its direction.
‘Uncle Riff, Flint… can I come in please?’ Brie’s voice hit our ears.
I looked at Flint and he nodded. So, jumping up, I made my way over the mess in the middle of the room and unlocked the door for her. She entered immediately and gave me a huge smile, before she turned all her attention to Flint who was still sitting on the floor.
‘I saved you some cookies, Flinty. Dad has gone to get us some milk, so we can dunk them.’ I watched as she sat down next to him and offered him the white box.
‘Thanks, shorty. That means a lot.’
The door opened and Cade and Luke appeared. It was obvious they’d sent Brie in first to check the coast was clear. Once she was allowed in, they’d followed.
Within ten minutes the drum kit had been reassembled and we were all sat on the floor dunking the kids’ cookies into milk.
In turn, I nodded at them both to show I appreciated them being here.
We were a f
amily.
We weren’t fucking conventional.
But somehow it worked for us.
Christmas Day
‘Well that’s a bloody relief, I’m pleased she’s okay,’ Winter exclaimed as she entered my flat in front of me, walking out of her heels and hanging up her coat.
I watched as she walked towards the log burner. She left our presents on one of my small settees and made her way over to stoke the embers of the fire.
‘Do you mean Nan or Amy?... Are you staying tonight?’ I gesticulated to the settee, knowing Amy’s stuff was still in my spare room.
‘Both… it’s been a hell of a week for us all, hasn’t it? And yes, but I’ll share with you if that’s okay?’
‘That’s fine, of course you can.’ At least her being there might erase the thought of the last person to share my bed. I walked further inside the threshold and pushed the door closed behind me by leaning on it. I couldn’t use my hands as I was holding the Christmas present we had just found outside of my front door close to my chest.
‘Are you going to open it?’
I don’t know, am I? My eyes came up to find hers as I thought over my predicament and then fell straight back to the box in my hands.
I placed the beautifully wrapped, square box on the small, protruding shelf next to my front door. I shrugged out of my wool coat, pulled my bobble hat off my head and placed it next to the present that I still couldn’t take my eyes off.
‘In a minute.’ I looked up to meet her gaze. ‘Do you know anything about it?’
‘Honestly, no. I haven’t spoken to Raff since I told him we weren’t coming to their fancy dinner today at The Manor. My big brother was pissed, not sure if that was because he would have to spend more time with my dad without a large crowd, or if it was because you weren’t spending the day with him.’
‘I suppose it might not be from him.’ My eyes wandered back to the gift.
‘Hey, girl, this is me you’re talking to…you know it’s from him… If you’re not opening it now…Well, I can’t watch you any longer. I can’t stay if all you’re going to do is stare at it and contemplate… So, can I shower first?’
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 24