by Louise Bay
“Did anyone learn anything about their approach to relationships from the stones?” Brianna asked.
To my utter disbelief, Kennedy was the first to speak. “I did.”
Brianna smiled, urging her to go on.
“I think I’ve made assumptions about men and how they impact my life. I’ve always been worried about ending up with an unfulfilling future because I wanted to keep the guy I was with.” Kennedy scrubbed her face with her hands, almost as if she were trying to erase an old way of thinking. “I’ve been so concerned that I’d let someone mold me into a woman I didn’t want to be.” She paused and I could almost see a million thoughts clatter through her head. “Now I realize that maybe, just maybe, instead of using men for sex, there might be a man out there who wants to be my champion, who wants me just to be me. I’d never let myself think that was a possibility before now. Maybe that sounds weird—”
“It doesn’t sound weird,” Brianna said. “It sounds like you’ve looked at your expectations and seen they can change. That you can be open to something different.”
“Maybe,” Kennedy replied.
I patted Kennedy’s shoulder. “You’re awesome.”
“Anyone else want to share?” Brianna asked.
“I will.” I wanted the group to tell me I’d done everything I could. That Phil breaking things off wasn’t because I wasn’t marriage material. “I learned I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I’ve always worked hard to be someone that someone would want, but seeing the stones in the pile, I thought a guy would be lucky to have me.” I smiled, pleased that I’d been able to say something so positive.
Kennedy snorted. At me?
“Kennedy?” Brianna said. “Do you have something to say?”
Kennedy stayed silent and I stared at her, hoping to pull the words from her with my thoughts.
“You seem to have an opinion,” Brianna continued. “I’ve found it can be as revealing to hear what observations others in the group have about your stones. Sometimes they can point out things you’ve missed.”
Kennedy shrugged and her reticence was irritating. She didn’t usually hold back.
“Come on, Kennedy, if you’ve got something to say, say it,” I said. I was pretty sure if she wanted to comment on my approach to relationships, she would have done it by now. She didn’t need encouragement from Brianna.
“Okay, I will.” Kennedy took a deep breath. “I find it interesting that you focus on the big pile of stones representing all the things you bring to a relationship, but don’t notice how few stones were in the other pile.”
What did that mean?
“You’re so focused on making men like you, that you never stop to think about whether you like them, or if they’re right for you.” My eyes fell to my lap as I tried to process what she was saying. Was that true? “You spend so much time and effort creating a girl who’s impossible not to fall in love with, and then you mistake them falling in love with you with you falling in love with each other.” That wasn’t right. I’d been in love with Phil. “What I see in that pile of stones is a woman who’s never asked herself what she wants in a man. I see a woman who only thinks who she wants to be for a man.”
Was she serious? I fisted my hands, trying to squeeze out my frustration. I knew what I wanted in a man. I wanted someone who was loyal and dependable and I’d said that on my stones. I’d just proven I wasn’t afraid of showing how I had value in a relationship by having more rocks in the other pile. That was positive. I was aware of my worth. How could she turn that into a negative thing? I didn’t want to react, create an argument with Kennedy and cause a scene, but I wanted her to realize she was wrong so I just stared at the ground, not responding.
I glanced at Blake. After my encounter with Lady, I could have done with a pass on this activity. I wanted him to know I wasn’t a total basket case. Maybe he would think Kennedy was wrong too. But he seemed to be oblivious to the whole discussion as he packed up our lunch. I swallowed down my anger and took a deep breath.
“And as for you”—Kennedy turned to Rose—“you know what would be good to have in a relationship, but you don’t think you deserve it.”
My focus drifted to Rose, half grateful that the group’s attention had been refocused on someone else, half wanting to go back to me and convince Kennedy she’d been wrong in her analysis of my stones.
I looked over at Rose and my heart squeezed. Her eyes were glassy and her shoulders hunched. “You’re a beautiful, clever, funny woman,” Kennedy said. “But you pick these guys you are never going to end up with. The boss never ends up with the assistant. And I think deep down inside you know that but you don’t think you deserve anything else.” Rose pulled her knees into her chest and tears began to fall. “That pile of stones with all the great things you bring to a relationship should be as tall as the trees but there’re only four rocks in there.” Kennedy wrapped her arms around Rose. “You are so much more.”
I hated, hated, hated to see people cry. If everyone concentrated on keeping the people around them happy, the world would be a better place—that’s what my mom always said. Seeing Rose in pain was horrible and somehow I felt guilty about it. I’d brought us here, after all. Or if I’d put a few more stones in the other pile, perhaps Kennedy wouldn’t have been set off. It wasn’t Rose’s fault that she didn’t realize how great she was and surely picking on her would just make her feel worse. Kennedy’s description of me had upset me, not made me feel better. And now Rose was crying. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just look at the upside in the piles of stones. Why did we have to focus on the negative?
Still avoiding eye contact with Kennedy, I traced squares with my finger on the blanket, following the plaid pattern. I’d never thought about Rose’s boss obsession being about aiming for the unobtainable, or about Rose not feeling like she deserved the right guy but it made sense. And so did Kennedy’s analysis about herself. She just didn’t understand my issue. Everyone seemed to be learning stuff about themselves apart from me.
I was the only one of the three of us that’d had a serious relationship. The only one who’d been engaged. I had to be doing something right. Later I’d have to pull Kennedy to one side and ask her to stop giving me such a hard time just because I’d booked us on this trip. It wasn’t fair.
When we’d finished clearing away lunch we gathered back around the fire at camp. My mind kept wandering to Phil and whether or not he’d emailed me or tried to get in contact. Could I have done better as a fiancée? Would I do things differently if he gave me a second chance? Life would be so much easier that way and I could get back on track with my plan.
I was dreading what Brianna had us doing next. I really didn’t want to do any more sharing or reflection. For just a few moments I didn’t want to think. What I wanted was a shot of tequila, a jukebox, to feel Blake’s teeth on my breasts. I wanted to be anywhere but right here.
“So, this afternoon I want us to have fun.” Inwardly I groaned. Fun in Oklahoma, what could that possibly mean? Trying not to get bitten while we attempted to charm snakes? “When we were kids on the McKenna ranch, we were allowed television twice a week. And video games and the internet were for special occasions. During school vacations our mother used to kick us out of the house after breakfast and we were told not to come back until dark. Now, some of you have grown up in the city so may have had different experiences, but I can tell you when I look back at my life, those times were the least complicated, most fun of my life. And I want us to recapture some of that.” She walked across to a metal chest, placed in between the benches opposite the fire. “In here, there’s a soccer ball and some baseball bats. I think there’s even a net of some kind in there. It’s a treasure chest of fun. So decide what you want to do together and get busy. I don’t want to see any of you sitting around.” I glanced over at Kennedy, who was grinning as she made her way to the chest.
I lingered behind. I wanted to slip my hand into Blake’s.
&nbs
p; I wanted to feel better.
I wanted him to make me feel better.
After the revelations in the forest over lunch, the last thing he probably felt like doing was touching me. Kennedy’s description of me made me sound like a fake—some kind of Stepford wife. Who’d be interested in that? My stomach tightened as I remembered her saying I manipulated myself into someone men would like. I just didn’t recognize the person she was describing. She must have just been trying to get back at me for bringing her on this trip. Yes, I wanted men to like me, who didn’t? I knew even Kennedy didn’t go around wanting people to hate her—she enjoyed attracting male attention—so what was I doing that was so wrong? I noticed Rose didn’t stick up for me but I could hardly be mad at her—she’d been the victim of Kennedy’s theories, too. Except Kennedy had been spot-on with Rose. But she’d been wrong about me, hadn’t she?
“I don’t want to see you until dinner time. Have fun!” Brianna said.
“What about water volleyball?” Natasha suggested. “Cooling off in the lake sounds fun.”
“But we don’t have any posts for the net,” Rose said.
“We can just use some markers in the water; we don’t need a net,” Kennedy replied.
“That’s the spirit, girls. You don’t need things to be perfect to have fun,” Brianna said. Her words echoed in my head. Shouldn’t we at least be striving toward perfection? Maybe not in water volleyball, but in life?
I’d not played water volleyball since I was in high school, and I’d never cared for it. My preferred sport was gymnastics. I liked the way you competed with yourself as much as everyone else. It seemed better that way—less confrontational.
“You up for some water volleyball?” Rose asked me.
“About as much as you are,” I replied.
“I don’t know. I think we should keep an open mind. I kinda like being off the grid like this. Not having to worry about checking emails and paying bills. No blow-drying my hair or doing the laundry. Brianna’s right, the day to day of life gets in the way of just having fun.”
Maybe Rose was on to something. Even though I worked on trying to create a reality for me that made me happy, I rarely did anything in the moment just because I’d enjoy it. It was all about planning for a time when one day, everything would be perfect, and then I could relax—that was the time to enjoy life. Maybe it was possible that I could have fun as I went along, that I could be happy before my plan was perfectly executed. I guess it was similar to Blake’s comments to me about enjoying the journey.
“I have plenty of fun with my friend tequila, but a lake that might give us countless diseases and the threat of a broken nose sounds like a peachy alternative,” I responded.
“Alcoholic fun doesn’t count,” Rose said.
I shrugged. “Of course it counts.”
“Come on, you cynic, I’ve been waiting to drown you since I arrived,” Kennedy said as she brushed past me. “Let’s change and get out there. The sooner you accept your fate, the better.”
Seven
Blake
“It’s great to have you here,” Brianna said as she poked at the fire with a stick. I dropped another armful of wood by the benches. I was trying to get things set up for Big John coming before it got dark.
“It’s good to be here,” I replied. The girls had gone to the lake, leaving Brianna and I to prepare dinner with their shouting and laughing as our soundtrack.
“I bet you don’t lift and carry so many logs back in Oklahoma City, do you?”
“Not so much. More test tubes and laptops.” I grinned, took off my gloves and sat down.
“I’m keeping you fit for all those lucky girls.”
“Well, I appreciate it. And I’m sure they do, too.” I winked. “I came back just to be ordered around because I miss it so much.” As a girl growing up with three brothers, Brianna’d held her own. We always knew she was the one in charge, and most of the time we were happy to dance to her tune, even if we pretended we weren’t. My mother was always very clear that girls had to be respected and treated well. All three of the McKenna brothers interpreted that differently in our love lives, but not when it came to Brianna. She ruled. Period.
“Stop it. You know you love it,” she said and I laughed. “You enjoying being here more than you thought?”
“I am. You’ve got a great setup here. Thought everything through and doin’ really good things for these women. I’m proud of you.”
“Careful now, that sounds like a compliment.”
“Well, maybe it is.” I nudged her with my shoulder. “Helping people suits you.”
“I like it. I’ve been able to combine my education with my real life experience and stay in this beautiful part of the world. I have nothing to complain about. These women bring color to my life, and I hope I help them a little in return.”
I nodded. This wasn’t just business for Brianna; this was a calling.
“It’s what y’all call a symbiotic relationship.” She emphasized her southern drawl and I chuckled.
“And you and Chad . . . You think you’re going to end up with him?” I asked.
“Maybe. But I’m in no rush. Not anymore. Doing this fills my soul in a way I thought marriage and babies would. Maybe they still will, but at the moment it’s nice to enjoy this for a little while.”
Seeing my sister content and fulfilled was all I could hope for as a brother.
“You don’t wish things had turned out differently for you and Peter?” Brianna had been devastated by her boyfriend’s cheating at the time. I often wondered whether she was truly over it or just trying to cover it up with southern smiles.
“Not at all. It’s kinda frustrating that I feel thankful to him for cheating on me. I’m more me than I ever would have been with him. I have a different life now, but it’s much more joyful than I could have ever hoped for.”
Shrieks from the lake grew louder. Would Mackenzie feel the same about her ex, or would she always wish things had been different, that her wedding had never been called off?
“And what about you? Why are you sitting next to your sister around a campfire, rather than downing shots at Jimmy’s?”
“You don’t like my company?” I grinned.
“I love your company and your deflection. Way to avoid the question. Spill it.” Brianna hadn’t pushed me until now, but she knew the time was right. She was hardcore.
I took a deep breath. “I’ve just been offered a promotion at work.”
“Wow, I wanna have problems like you. Congratulations.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I nodded slowly.
“So,” Brianna said, “why aren’t you high fiving me?”
“I am, it’s just—”
“You and Stacey back together?”
I took the stick that she’d been using to poke the fire from her and pushed an escaping log back into the flames. “Nope. Stacey and I . . . we were never . . .” When Stacey told me it was over, I hadn’t been sad about it. I’d expected it would happen at some stage. “I still like her, as a friend.” I was pretty sure she’d met someone else before she’d ended it with me, but even that didn’t bother me particularly. We’d reached the end of the road, which I’d known we would at some point. “It’s fine. I’m not pining after her. She wasn’t the one.” She was a nice girl who got on with my friends and she was good company. We just weren’t on the same page. My life was about work and she wanted it to be about her. But I couldn’t force that, could I? Maybe I had to make more of an effort, but wasn’t love meant to be easy? I didn’t want to spend time with her if I really wanted to be somewhere else. Maybe that made me an asshole.
“Did my big brother just say ‘the one’? Is that who you’re waiting for?”
“I guess. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?” I hadn’t been consciously waiting for someone, but perhaps that’s why I’d never gotten serious about a girl before.
“I’m not sure there are any meant tos or supposed tos. It’s your
life, Blake. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, you have to make yourself happy. Do you know what you want?”
“In terms of a girlfriend?” I asked.
She nodded. “Or a wife.”
“Someone I want to spend time with above everything else.” Stacey always complained that I worked too much. And it wasn’t that I didn’t like spending time with her. I just didn’t need to be with her. I’d never felt a need for a woman. “And a partner I guess.” I’d never thought about it consciously, but I liked clever, driven women. I didn’t want an appendage. Some of my friends had wives who seemed to be a part of their lives in the way their home, their car, their watch, their annual vacation was. “I don’t want us just to have our kids in common.”
“I think it’s good to know what you want. Otherwise there’s always the possibility that you end up with someone and only realize afterward that it wasn’t what you wanted.”
“I’m not sure I’ve ever thought about it before.” I’d had plenty of sex but only a few relationships, none of which I’d instigated. I’d always just fallen into being with people. Relationships were never a focus like my career was. With Stacey, we’d worked together and she was friendly and sweet and clever. Before that, there’d been nothing serious. I seemed to drift into things and out of them just as easily. I’d never really thought about what I was looking for. In fact, I’d never actually looked. All I was focused on was my job.
“That doesn’t surprise me. You’re a man after all. And a McKenna man at that.” She punched my arm and I winced, pretending it hurt. “It’s good to be as conscious in your choices about your relationships as you are about your career.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Of course it does. Because I’m always right.”
She giggled and I rolled my eyes.