by Louise Bay
I sat down at my computer with my coffee and coconut juice, ready to settle in to another sixteen-hour day. I scanned my emails and then opened up the presentation I was trying to put together for ARK, giving them an update on how I was spending their money and what our preliminary results were. There was nothing they would be disappointed with, but I had to make sure the presentation was as successful as the lab work was.
Looking back, the decision to come to Boston should have been easier. Even though I’d only been here a few weeks, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I’d taken a leap of faith and so far I’d been rewarded. I had begun to bury the ghosts of failing here as a student and for the first time in a long time I was in a place where I knew I was doing all I could. I was challenging myself and aiming for something big.
“Have you been here all night?” Alison, the lab assistant, asked as she walked through the door.
I checked the clock. Where had the last few hours gone? “You’re early,” I replied, searching through the menu of the PowerPoint presentation desperately trying to find an easy fix for this video.
“You know what they say about the early bird.”
“It gets eaten by the coyote?” I grinned and glanced sideways as Alison stared over my shoulder, her face scrunched up as she reviewed the screen. “Bless your heart, how have you managed to make that graph look so ugly?”
I chuckled at Alison’s Texan accent that came out every now and then, usually when she was insulting someone. It reminded me of Brianna. Having someone from my part of the world around had been a good addition to the team. She was a hard worker and we had a lot in common. We’d both been to UT, although she’d been a couple of years behind me.
I shrugged. “It’s a special skill.” I was terrible at putting together presentations. My public speaking ability was fine, but the slides always seemed to baffle me.
“Move over. This will never do.”
Within seconds, Allison had embedded a video I’d been struggling to do for the past two days.
“You didn’t answer my question. Have you been in here all night?” she asked.
I shook my head “No, just a couple of hours.” More precisely, three.
“Has anyone told you that you need to get out more? Just a little bit?”
I pushed my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I know. We just have to get this presentation done and get to the point where we can start some kind of peer review and then I’ll have more time.” I was now responsible for my team and not just me, and although that was exciting, it was also more pressure. I wanted this for them too.
I stood behind Alison as she worked, quickly making fonts change color, shifting the sizes of graphs. “I think you need to add the reference here,” she said pointing to some research that had been done in the early nineties.
“You’re right. Let me find it.” I needed my books from college. I stood and glanced around. Had I unpacked them yet?
“So if you’re going to have more time after this presentation,” she said, but stayed fixed on the monitor, “how about we take the boat to P Town this weekend? They’re having some kind of festival on Saturday. We could go, get drunk, maybe dance a little.”
I shifted my gaze to Alison’s face as she turned and looked at me from under her eyelashes. Oh. She was asking me out.
On a date.
I liked that she’d put herself out there. She didn’t seem to have any problem going after what she wanted. Maybe I should say yes. There was no doubt she was a catch. Funny, smart as whip and pretty. We had similar backgrounds; we’d both grown up on a ranch and escaped to the city. She was a great girl.
She just wasn’t Mackenzie.
Squeezing the back of my neck, I said, “I think you’re great, Alison, but office romances don’t tend to work out for me.”
“Hell, it was worth a try.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the presentation. “I can’t believe you’re single and not banging anything with a pulse.”
I chuckled. “Maybe I am,” I replied. Did I need to start dating?
“I don’t think so, mister. You’re at work too much. Do you have a type?” She laughed just as the door burst open.
“What are you two laughing about?” Dave, the other biochemist, asked. I’d looked him up when I got back to Boston. I’d been at UT with him and he was one of the cleverest people I knew. He’d agreed to come on board without much persuasion. He was constantly seeking a new challenge. “Tell me those cultures look good.” His hair stood on end and his forehead creased. He looked genuinely angry.
I glanced at Alison, who was laughing at Dave. She didn’t seem too offended by me turning her down and I was relieved. I wouldn’t want anything to shift in our team dynamic. It was just so easy between all of us.
“Calm down, dude, they’re fine. I’ve checked on them twice this morning already,” I replied. What I liked about Dave and the rest of the team was that they really cared about what they were doing. Sure, they’d all get a nice bonus if this thing came off, but I got the impression they’d all work for free as long as the project was right.
“Okay, so everything’s good?” Dave asked.
With people like this in Boston, how could I have ever felt like an outsider?
“Yeah, now I’m in charge of the PowerPoint there’s hope we’ll all still have a job this time next week. Thank God for me.” Alison chuckled.
“Who let you loose on the presentation?” Dave asked me, looking at my screen.
“Don’t you start. What were we saying, Alison?” I started to check various drawers around the lab.
“I was asking you about your type. Maybe I could make a single friend of mine very happy. What kind of girl gets your attention?”
Red hair.
Smooth, creamy skin that smells of lilac.
An open heart belonging to someone who wants to make a difference.
And a fabulous ass.
“Did you see my Lehninger?” It was a textbook I’d had since undergrad. “I want to check a reference in this presentation.”
“Nope,” Alison said.
“Nah, mine’s at home,” Dave replied, his head in the fridge.
I started opening the desk drawers. Shit. Where had I put it? I stood and headed toward the three boxes stacked by the door. It was the stuff I’d not unpacked yet from Oklahoma. I ripped off the packing tape from the box and flipped open the lid. Resting on the top of my books was a brown paper grocery bag. My pulse quickened. It was full of the stones Mackenzie had given me. I’d forgotten they were in here.
I should throw them away. Move on. I had a new life. Except now I wanted more.
Now I knew what love was.
I was just waiting for this obsession with Mackenzie to dissolve. But she’d burrowed deep inside my soul and seemed content to stay there.
I’d let her walk away without pressing for an answer, and now I shared the same city with her and I still sat passively by, hoping that these thoughts of her would disappear. But they wouldn’t.
Not while I didn’t want them to.
Not while I still loved her.
“Did you find it?” Alison asked as I stared into the bag. I glanced up at her. If I couldn’t even contemplate dating a girl like Alison—a sweet, kind, attractive girl that on paper was perfect for me—then there was no one for me. No one else.
“No,” I replied as I refolded the bag.
I needed to take a positive step like I had by moving to Boston for my career. There was no room for fear or rejection any longer. I knew what I wanted and I had to shoot for it. Nothing Mackenzie could say to me could make me feel worse, and if I saw her again . . . I stuffed the bag back in the box, spun around and grabbed my phone from the desk. I headed into the corridor to make a call.
I pressed dial against my sister’s number and in two rings, she’d answered.
“Brianna? I need you to do something for me . . .”
Seventeen
Mackenzie
“You like it here?” my mother asked, sitting forward on her chair and glancing around the busy dining room as if she were about to get mugged.
“We love it here,” Rose said. We’d never been to this place before. The three of us usually did brunch at a local place near Kennedy’s apartment, but as my mother was coming today, I’d picked a place I thought she’d like.
I’d not seen much of my mother since returning from Oklahoma. I’d been dodging her calls because she kept wanting to talk about Phil. But that couldn’t go on forever. It felt like having the long overdue conversation with her was the next step in getting on with my future. Brunch at a fancy place where she couldn’t make a scene seemed like a good idea. Kennedy and Rose were here for moral support.
The clatter of dishes echoed around the room, merging with the chatter of the diners, and it took my mind off the stilted conversation at our table.
“You don’t like it?” I asked. It was hardly a student dive. It was in the center of the city and the high ceilings, Victorian moldings and oil paintings that hung around the dining room gave the place a traditional, high-end vibe. I thought she’d like this place.
My mother raised one eyebrow. “I’m sure the food is just fine.” She moved her purse to her lap as if a waiter might snatch it. “So I spoke to Phil yesterday,” my mother announced, glancing around the room. I sank into my chair. I’d hoped we’d be at least a mimosa down before this conversation. “He seems to think that it was your idea not to reconcile.” My mother laughed. “I told him that couldn’t possibly be true. I know how you feel about him. And how much you want to get married.” She raised her eyebrows and leaned towards me. “I told him I was meeting you today to talk some sense into you.”
Rose squeezed my hand under the table. My stomach churned. Having the conversation with Phil when he’d flown all the way to Oklahoma hadn’t been this hard. I never made a decision that my mother didn’t approve of. I didn’t know how to tell her no. But I was determined to dive in head first. “Mom.” I took a deep breath. “Phil’s not right for me.”
“Phil”—she pointed at me as she spoke, her mouth tight—“is a good man. You could do a lot worse. And he’ll always take care of you. He’s loyal. He’d never leave.”
“I know he’s great. And you’re right, I could do a lot worse but—”
“And with his job, you needn’t even work.”
“But I want to work.” I didn’t work because I had to.
She wasn’t listening. “If you act quickly, go see him and don’t mess things up again, you might still have a chance at a bright future.”
“You don’t think my future’s bright without Phil?”
“You don’t have to find out, darling. I think if you’re prepared to make it up to him, then things can get back on track.”
I slumped forward, my elbows on the table, my head in my hands. “But I don’t want things back on track. Not with Phil.”
“Get your elbows off the table. You were not brought up by wolves,” my mother snapped.
I took a deep breath and sat back, placing my hands in my lap.
“I’m saying, marrying Phil gives you choices.” She scanned down the menu, but I could tell by the way her fingers grasped the paper that she was trying not to explode at me.
“I don’t need to marry Phil to have choices.” I didn’t know how to convince her. Had she forgotten I’d gone to college? And she’d encouraged me. “You gave me the choices I have when you helped me fill in all those forms to get my scholarship to Wellesley.” She’d never gone to college but she’d encouraged me to apply for the best places, convinced we’d find a scholarship from somewhere. She’d stayed up all night, reading through all the forms to make sure each one was perfect. I’d thought she was crazy, being controlling as ever—almost as if the applications had been hers, not mine.
But I’d gotten in. Our goals had been aligned then.
“I love you, mom. And I know you’re trying to do what you think is best. And I appreciate it. I really do. But I’m all grown up and I need you to let me decide what will make me happy. If walking away from Phil is the wrong thing, then I want you just to watch me do it and be there if it goes wrong.”
“I’m always here for you.” She put down her menu and fiddled with the stem of her water glass. “I just don’t want to see you upset and—”
“I know, but I need to do this. And I know you don’t understand it and I know you’d make a different decision. But I just need you to support me.” I took a breath. “I don’t want to marry Phil. I’d rather be on my own for my whole life than be with someone just to be married.”
I glanced across at Kennedy, who’d almost lost her eyebrows they were so high up her forehead. Kennedy might be shocked, but this wasn’t a new revelation to me. By telling Phil I didn’t want to marry him, I’d lifted that horse’s leg, graduated Love Rehab and there was no way I was about to go backwards.
The waitress interrupted us as she came to take our orders. I felt horrible for dragging Rose and Kennedy here. First to Oklahoma and now to this showdown with my mom. They really were the best ever girlfriends.
After the waitress had collected our menus, my mother leaned across the table and whispered, “It’s not exactly as if you’ve got other options. If not Phil, then who? You’re about to turn thirty. If you’re not careful, you’re going to have no one to take care of you, no one to rely on.”
Her words melted over me and seeped into my brain. No one to take care of me? Phil would never leave me?
Rose patted my hand as I stared at my mom but I didn’t need comforting. I leaned back in my chair, my heart heavy for the woman who sat across from me. I realized now that as much as my mother was controlling and overbearing, it was because she didn’t want me to make the mistakes she had. She wanted me to marry a man that wouldn’t abandon me and our children. She wanted me to have a better life, just as she’d done when she’d helped me with my scholarship applications. Even now she wanted me to be protected and happy and getting married was how she thought it could happen. Our goals for me were still the same. But now our solutions were a little different.
My anxiety lifted and I smiled. I was no longer scared I wouldn’t please her.
“I didn’t realize it until today, but with you making the choices you did—to remarry so we were financially taken care of, to tell me that of course I could go to Wellesley—you’ve let me do this. It means I don’t have to marry a man I don’t love. And I’m grateful to you.”
My mother stared into her glass, stock still. Was I about the get her water over my head? Was she about to have a stroke?
“Well,” my mother said. “You know I’ll always love and support you, no matter your choices. I just hope you don’t regret it.” She twisted in her seat, speaking as if she half hoped I wouldn’t hear her and wanted to make sure I did at the same time.
I reached for my mother’s hand across the table and her eyes filled with tears. “I love you,” she whispered, still staring at her drink. Finally, she glanced up at me but before I could reply her phone rang, and she dug through her purse to find it. I’m sorry, I mouthed at Rose and Kennedy. They both shook their heads and smiled.
“Girls, I beg your pardon. You’re going to have to excuse me. That was Colin.” Her chair scraped against the ground as my mother stood. “He’s lost his glasses and he’s due to fly up to Toronto. I’m going to have to go and help him find them.”
I wasn’t sure if my step-dad calling was a good excuse to leave a difficult situation, or whether she was so used to doing everything she could to please Colin that she didn’t think it was odd to leave halfway through a brunch with her daughter to go and find his glasses. Either way, I’d found the strength to tell her what I wanted and the sky had not fallen in. As my mother stood up, I felt nothing but admiration for her. And I could do nothing but love her for trying to protect me and give me a better life ever since my father left.
She kissed Rose
and Kennedy on the cheek as I stood to say good-bye. She leaned forward and, as she pressed her cheek to mine in a kiss good-bye, she whispered, “I’m so very proud of you.” My stomach clenched as I tried to hold down the tears.
The three of us watched in silence as my mother left the restaurant.
“Are you okay?” Rose asked when the door had closed.
I nodded. “Yeah I really am.”
“I thought we were going to witness a huge argument, drinks being thrown and hair being pulled,” Kennedy said. “I feel kinda cheated.”
We all laughed. “I feel better. Good even. And not because I told her what I wanted. But because I understand her more. I think we both want the same thing for me. I didn’t get that until today.”
“I think that deserves a celebration. Miss,” Kennedy called to the waitress. “Can we get a bottle of champagne?”
“You want mimosas?” the waitress asked.
“My friend’s allergic to citrus. So just the champagne,” Kennedy replied. I managed to stifle the giggle until the waitress left.
“Who’s allergic?” Rose asked when the waitress had left.
“No one,” Kennedy and I chorused.
“We’re trying to avoid being judged for drinking before noon,” Kennedy explained. “And we’re celebrating single Mackenzie.”
Phil was in my past and there wasn’t even a small part of me that regretted that. I knew I’d never look back. And neither would he. Our bond wasn’t deep enough to have left a permanent scar. How could either of us have thought we’d last forever?
The waitress arrived at our table with the champagne, poured three glasses.
“I bought a new oven,” I announced and I tipped back the glass of champagne, gulping down the taste of apples and air.
“A new oven? How come?” Rose asked.
“You never use your oven.” Kennedy took a sip of her drink.