by Vanessa Skye
Since when did I become so passive?
She’d not only let him, but she’d also run away from the responsibility that she had to inform the real father about the baby.
What kind of a woman does that?
Was she going to be a mother like she had, putting herself before her child, or a mother like she had always wanted, who put the welfare of her child first?
It was time to get her shit together and be the woman she knew she could be. Everything that had happened didn’t matter now. It was just like Vi had said. It was time to put down her baggage. She owed it to her child.
Once she accepted that reality, everything else seemed so simple. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before. How many years had she wasted wallowing in a past that wasn’t her fault?
“How’d it go?” Arena asked, interrupting her thoughts.
She shook her head. “No go. I can only hope that something sinks in, over time, and she changes her mind. What about Alex?”
Arena sighed. “Utterly in denial. He wouldn’t hear anything against Elizabeth. What’s our next move? I’ve got nothing new from Realm of Blood. It’s a dead end.”
Berg sucked in a deep breath and popped the signed statement on the edge of the table. “Let’s put that aside for now,” she said. “Come in, we need to talk . . .”
Chapter Thirty-Five
I am hiding from some beast,
but the beast was always here.
Watching without eyes
because the beast is just my fear,
That I am just nothing,
now it’s just what I’ve become.
–The Bravery, “Believe”
Berg walked into the ob-gyn’s office alone the next day.
Arena hadn’t even offered to join her, not that she blamed him. She wouldn’t have let him if he’d tried either. To say the breakup had gone badly would be a shocking understatement. She felt terrible that she had hurt him. She had let him believe that she had had feelings for him and they had a future together. He was a good man and hadn’t deserved it. She had resolved to try and make it up to him.
Today was her twenty-week scan. Berg couldn’t believe she was halfway through her pregnancy already. The morning sickness had stopped completely, and she was due to find out the sex of the baby with this visit. After that, she would take the picture, go over to Jay’s place, and give it to him.
Tonight.
She would become the mother that she had always wanted.
No weakness.
She knew that Jay would stay with Carla, but she had to give him the option. She had to tell him that she loved him and that he could make them a family—if he wanted to be a dad and a partner. If he opted out, then she would be a single mother. She knew she could do it, and it was better for her, the baby, and Arena if she did that honestly rather than having a family that was built on a lie.
For the first time in months, she felt proud of herself.
She rubbed her small belly excitedly. She couldn’t wait to meet the little boy or girl, couldn’t wait to be a mom and a better person. Her old life was behind her now, and before the appointment, she had made a list of things she would need soon, like a crib, a stroller, a change table, diapers and baby clothes—even those things you plugged into power outlets to make them safe had made it onto the list.
“Mrs. Raymond?” her doctor called, motioning her inside. Berg rolled her eyes at the Mrs.—the doctor was clearly old school and couldn’t fathom a woman having a baby and being unmarried at the same time.
“Have you felt movements?” he asked as he probed her stomach with his hands.
“Not yet,” Berg replied.
“Hmm. Your uterus is feeling a little small for your dates. Is it possible you’re not as pregnant as you think?” he asked, frowning slightly.
Berg felt instant panic.
What if it’s not Jay’s?
“It’s possible,” she replied weakly.
“I’m going to send you downstairs so we can get more accurate measurements,” he said. “I’ll make sure they fit you in now. Come back up to see me when you’re done.”
Berg nodded and he excused himself so she could get dressed.
With a knot of dread in her stomach, she took the elevator down to the next level and gave her name to the receptionist who ushered her into a small dark room dominated by a huge ultrasound machine.
“You don’t need to undress, just lie back on the table, undo your pants and the technician will be with you shortly,” she said kindly.
Berg didn’t have to wait long before the gel was being squeezed onto her belly by the efficient technician and the ultrasound probe was digging in.
The picture flickered to life, and Berg knew it as soon as she saw the screen.
The baby wasn’t moving.
She could clearly make out its arms and legs, its oversized head with black eye sockets, but unlike last time’s jellybean on a trampoline, this time, the baby was curled up on its side and still.
Horrifyingly still.
The technician looked at her fearfully and continued in vain to try and find the heartbeat that Berg knew was no longer there.
The lack of fetal movements, the end of the morning sickness, and the fact that she could still fit her pants over her belly . . . it was all too obvious.
Her baby was dead.
Taking her reason to live along with it.
Chapter Thirty-Six
But I’m a creep.
I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.
–Radiohead, “Creep”
Berg sat at her desk, methodically typing away at some report that she wasn’t even reading and certainly didn’t care about.
“Berg?’ Jay stood close, almost looming. “Could I see you in my office for a minute?” he asked, a worried look on his face.
Berg nodded and followed him.
He shut the door behind her and sat down. “I have bad news.”
But before he could begin, the door flung open and a tall, graying man stood there with a sneer on his face.
“I knew I’d find you both in here. I hear you’ve been having a lot of closed-door meetings,” the former chief of detectives, Antonio Consiglio, said, crossing his arms.
Jay shot out of his seat. “What the fuck are you doing in here, Consiglio? Get the fuck out!”
“Have you told her yet, or can I have the pleasure?” His smile looked like the face of a charging piranha.
Jay blocked Consiglio’s body with his own and forced the man back out the door. “This is my office, this is my precinct, and these are my detectives, not yours! Leigh might’ve let you get away with this shit, but I won’t. Get the fuck out of this building before I have you charged with trespass!” Jay yelled.
Consiglio snorted. “One way or another, I’m coming back. And when I do, you and your little girlfriend here will be out of work. One false step is all I need, O’Loughlin.”
“You’ve got nothing on either one of us and never will. Now get out before I throw you out!”
Consiglio laughed. “It’s only a matter of time.” He turned on his heel and left the office.
Berg hadn’t moved once during the argument at all. Words like miscarriage, immediate D and C, and infection were still swimming around her head like a shiver of sharks, the bite of each ripping her to shreds and drawing more blood. She hadn’t cared what the medical staff had had to say. She had run out of there before they could schedule any surgery. She hadn’t cared that the baby had stopped growing four weeks ago, or that she obviously wasn’t going to miscarry without assistance. They weren’t taking her baby away.
The part of her mind not dead from pain wondered how she could feel such deep grief for a child she hadn’t met and hadn’t felt kick. How could she be sad over the loss of something she never even had?
She was happy that she hadn’t told Jay. Not having to deliver the crippling blow t
o him that she’d received had been the one silver lining in this dark cloud. He’d already lost one child when Renee overdosed. He didn’t deserve to lose another.
She, on the other hand, deserved everything she got.
Of course she had lost her child. She hadn’t been worthy of it in the first place. Happiness and normality weren’t things she was entitled to.
Jay stepped back into his office muttering what sounded like a string of cuss words. When he glanced up and saw Berg watching him, he seemed to remember what they’d been in the middle of before Consiglio’s interruption. “Maybe Arena should be with yo—”
“Just say it, Jay.”
“Okay.” Jay sighed and closed the door firmly behind him. “I didn’t think he’d have the nerve to show his face here first, but Consiglio’s made a move. He’s pulled a few strings, called a police board meeting, and requested disciplinary action against you.”
“For what?” It wasn’t that she didn’t think she deserved disciplinary action, but with so many to choose from, it was more a matter of which ones he actually knew about.
“The warrant against Elizabeth Young without probable cause. I don’t know how you got it, but Judge Oliver gave Consiglio a signed statement saying that you misrepresented the facts to him. Combine that with Elizabeth’s harassment complaint . . .”
Berg nodded impassively.
First my baby, now my career—fitting.
“Did you?”
“Did I what?”
Jay sighed, pressing on his temple as he scowled. “Obtain the warrant under false pretenses?” he repeated through clenched teeth.
Berg shook her head.
Of course . . . heaven forbid that sadistic ass admit to being blackmailed by a woman.
“Consiglio wants you suspended until the hearing, and obviously he wanted to tell you in person. I objected. I told them I needed you here, but you need to do everything above board from now on. You step one toe out of line, and he’ll pounce on it and use it to bring you and me down. With that kind of win under his belt, he’ll be reinstated as chief of detectives, and we’ll be looking for security work.”
She couldn’t move, couldn’t even work up the energy to look at Jay much less fight back. She had nothing left and nothing to say about it.
“Berg! Did you even hear what I fucking said?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And, don’t worry. It’ll all work out in the end.”
Berg had just left the office headed to her car, and Arena sat seething on the opposite side of the street, staring at her through his closed, tinted window.
Bitch! How dare she break up with me?
He had been prepared to give her everything—his heart, his body . . . he had even been prepared to be the father of her bastard child. That’s how much he loved her. And she threw him away like garbage?
Fuck me if she’s getting away with it.
His cell rang and he groaned with annoyance. “Yeah?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m doing it now! Dumb move coming to the office, by the way. They’ll be on their guards now.”
As much as he hated this, she had to get what was coming to her. That was his focus now—it wasn’t even about his own career anymore.
Funny, hate makes for strange bedfellows.
“Look, I got you the statement from the judge, and I’m following her right now. Have a bit of patience, Consiglio! I know this woman. Sooner or later, she’ll fuck up. It’s only a matter of time.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
You’re gonna catch a cold,
from the ice inside your soul.
–Christina Perri, “Jar of Hearts”
Berg knocked on the door again and listened closely for the sound of movement.
“I have nothing to say to you,” Marilyn said, already pushing the door shut as quickly as it had swung open.
“I know,” Berg replied, putting her hand out to stop the door from slamming in her face. “And I don’t blame you. Just please, accept this gift for Emma as a way for me to say I’m sorry?” She held out a big, colorfully wrapped box tied with a huge pink bow.
Marilyn turned at the sound of a baby crying behind her. “Fine,” she said. “Come in. I have to check on Emma.”
Berg shut the door behind her and quickly followed the woman to the tiny room obviously functioning as baby Emma’s bedroom.
The Brighton Park house was small and dingy, even more depressing than the old family home Emma’s mother had been attacked in. The lack of windows and ventilation had the summer heat lingering in the space like pea soup, and it didn’t hold a candle to the beautiful, gleaming home that Elizabeth had bought—with her parents’ reward money, no less.
The baby squawked loudly in her battered crib, her little lungs working overtime.
Marilyn rushed to pick her up. “She’s hungry.”
Berg felt her heart tug at the sight of the little girl but quickly pushed the brimming tears away. “Got a good set of lungs on her. You must be happy . . . now that she’s home with you.”
Marilyn picked up the baby and fussed, straightening her simple white vest and checking her cloth diaper. “Yes, it’s lovely to finally be out of the hospital.”
Berg fidgeted in the long, uncomfortable silence before clearing her throat. “Anyway . . . like I said, I got you a gift as a welcome home present for Emma.”
“Thank you, that’s very thoughtful. Why don’t you pop it over there, and we’ll look at it later. I have to heat up a bottle—”
“Let me open it for you. Emma will love it,” Berg said as she tore open the wrapping she had meticulously done herself and pulled out a plush pink teddy bear from the big brown box. She held it up to little Emma, who was immediately entranced.
“It’s beautiful, thank you.” Marilyn smiled slightly as a hint of red tinged her cheeks. “We can’t get her much . . .” She either couldn’t, or didn’t want to, finish the statement.
“I know,” Berg said. “But I’m sure there’s money coming in soon, when Lizzy sells Emma’s story, right?”
Marilyn pursed her lips. “Lizzy said there wasn’t much left over after she paid lawyers’ fees, taxes, and her agent, but she has offered to extend us a loan so we can get by.”
It was nearly more than Berg could bear.
A loan? To her own parents? Does her selfishness know no bounds? Scratch that. It isn’t selfishness, it’s punishment.
Berg cleared her throat again, keeping her opinions to herself. “Why don’t I put the teddy up here for now?” she said, carefully placing the pink teddy bear on a shelf overlooking the crib. “She’ll be able to play with it when she gets bigger.”
“Thank you,” Marilyn said as she took the three steps required to go from baby’s room to the kitchen. The place was tiny with rooms crammed together like cabins on a budget cruise ship.
Berg followed her and spied the burnt vinyl couch that had been damaged in Emma’s attack. What was left of her heart broke.
“I’m sure you’ll get settled in here soon. In the meantime, I bet Elizabeth wouldn’t mind if you visited her. That big, brand new house. All that space. She was really lucky coming in to all that money when she did . . .”
“Yes. Well, if you’ll excuse us,” Marilyn said. “It’s lunch time.”
“Of course. I’ll see myself out.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Time to go down in flames,
and I’m taking you closer to the edge.
–30 Seconds To Mars, “Closer to the Edge”
“It’s happened again,” Arena said, barging up to Berg’s desk. It was the most he had spoken to her in two weeks.
“What?’ Berg said, looking up from her desk. She had been trying to concentrate on a report for one of the ASAs—not Carla—but she was so exhausted she had double vision.
“Emma Young stopped breathing last night. Fortunately, they have a crib alarm, which went off. She’s okay.”
“Was Elizabeth there?” Berg asked.
“Marilyn Young wouldn’t say,” Arena said. “But I’d bet my pension on it.”
Berg nodded. “And now we can know for sure.” She opened her browser and typed the web address she’d come to know by heart.
“What do you mean?” he said as he watched what was obviously footage from a webcam flash up onto the screen. “Is that . . .”
They watched as Marilyn Young carried little Emma into the bedroom of the tiny home and carefully placed the sleeping baby into her crib. After getting her settled, Marilyn reached down the side of the crib and appeared to press a button.
“Breathing monitor,” Berg muttered.
Marilyn walked out of the room and flicked off the light. The camera immediately switched to night vision, and they watched little Emma sleep peacefully.
“What did you do?” Arena asked Berg.
“Nanny cam,” she answered. “In a teddy bear I gave Emma. Not illegal.” She clicked the mouse and the footage started backing up.
“Not illegal for civilians maybe, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for us to use them to secretly carry out surveillance on a suspect. Besides, anything you get with this will never be admissible in court in a million years. What were you thinking?” Arena asked.
“It may not be admissible, but I’m fairly certain that if I show Elizabeth’s parents this footage of Elizabeth trying to murder their helpless grandchild, they won’t be so keen to protect her anymore.” Berg hit stop then play.
They watched as the time stamp began ticking off seconds again, the time indicating the footage had been taken late the previous afternoon. The room was empty. Nothing but the sunlight feeding through the windows and changing the length of the shadows cast on the walls and floor.