by Brent, Cora
I swallow my cereal. “Camden. Her name’s Camden.”
“Camden,” she repeats and her eyes twinkle in a way that I don’t see too often anymore. “She’s a cutie. And I hear she’s smart too. Is she your girlfriend?”
“Come on, Ma,” I complain and collect my dishes for the sink. I’ve never thought of any girl as a ‘girlfriend’, not even the ones I’ve spent a lot of time with. It seems like an old fashioned word, not fit for the times. Anyway, just because you hook up with a girl and kiss her goodnight doesn’t mean she’s your girlfriend.
However, I can’t say this out loud because you don’t admit such things to your mother and because the way I feel about Camden is confusing. The day she told me she wanted to interview me for some silly article I practically bit her head off and then couldn’t stop feeling like crap over it. I planned to apologize when she showed up for work the next day.
In the meantime I got to really thinking about things and wondering if maybe Camden wasn’t the problem. She’s a smart girl who likes to ask questions and I’m the one who acts like a fucking troll anytime she gets too close. I figured I could try leveling with her, sort of. I’d tell her that we could work together and maybe we could even kind of be friends but she needed to respect that I had my reasons for wanting to keep to myself. Camden might be stubborn but I knew she had a heart. She’d probably be cool as long as I dropped my shitty attitude.
But then when she did show up I forgot about whatever it was I wanted to say. The girl was freaking radiant. And so insanely pleased when she saw her birthday gift from the Cushings that it made me wish I’d bought her a gift myself. Being around her had thrown me off course and I wasn’t prepared. Nobody forced me to give into that temptation but I wasn’t sorry we’d messed around. I hoped she wasn’t sorry either. By the time I walked her home I knew that she had managed to get to me in a way that no other girl ever had.
I wasn’t sure what to do about that but I was very sure that I wanted to kiss her again.
And again.
And again.
I wanted to have her with my tongue. I wanted to dominate her with my cock. I also wanted to hold her in my arms and listen to her talk about life.
“Fine, keep your secrets,” my mother says but she’s smirking in a way that says she can guess what’s going on. Then she gets upset when she sees me grab my bag and head for the door. “Where do you think you’re going without a jacket?”
“I forgot it at school.”
“At school? You mean you’ve been suffering in the cold all weekend without a jacket?” Her eyes have bugged out. She’s as distraught as if I were a toddler running around naked in the snow.
“Gotta go, Ma.” I give her a quick hug and wince over how thin she is, and not in the stylishly aerobic way that she used to be thin. This comes from worry and bad habits and loneliness.
It’s as cold as the goddamn North Pole outside but I don’t even care. There’s a weird sensation in my gut as I round the corner toward the bus stop. I can’t believe it but I’m actually fucking nervous. I’ve always had an easy time with girls and I’m not used to being knocked on my heels like this.
She’s already there and she’s staring in the direction of my street. I feel the grin spread across my face at the sight of her all wrapped up in her coat and her scarf and her gloves as she whips her head to the side to make it look like she wasn’t waiting for me at all. I spent all day yesterday cursing the fact that I never asked for her phone number. She wasn’t scheduled to work on Sunday and I was stuck in the company of brainless Brian while watching the door and hoping she’d stop by. She didn’t. I told myself that if I had a real set of balls I’d just drop by her house. But I didn’t do that so here I am on Monday morning with a gut full of anxiety while snow flurries fall on my head.
“Hey.”
Camden pulls the scarf away from her face. Her cheeks are pink with cold and she gives me a bashful smile. “Hi.”
I clear my throat. “How are you?” Hot damn, I’m a gifted conversationalist.
“I’m good.” She looks me over and becomes distressed. “Ben, it’s so cold for you to be without a jacket.”
“Nah, I’m fine,” I say but she’s already unwinding her scarf. She doesn’t pause before reaching out to loop it around my neck.
“This will help a little.” She’s intent on bundling me into her scarf and being this close to her is just too much. I drop my backpack, put my hands on her waist and pull her in. A little gasp of surprise exits her lips but then her face lights up. She slips her arms around my shoulders and lets me hold her. She’s tall enough so that I can press my forehead to hers without bending down too much.
“I know something that will help more,” I whisper.
Her lips are inches from mine. “What’s that?” she whispers back.
I kiss her. A full on tongue-heavy If I Can’t Fuck You Then I’ll Fuck Your Mouth kind of kiss. Camden melts and she kisses me back with every bit as much hunger. It’s fucking unreal how bad I want her. She could make me forget my own name. Both the real one and the pretend one. I might be willing to shave years off my life if I could have her right now.
When we both finally get to the point where we need air she breaks off and sighs into my neck. “Ben, I thought about you all day yesterday.”
“I thought about you too.” I kiss her jawline. I inhale the fruity scent of her hair. I’m about to move to her neck and suck the skin until I leave a mark when I see movement and realize we have an audience.
Mrs. Copella is gawking at us with her mouth open. No wonder. She’s here at the bus stop nearly every day and probably hasn’t seen me and Camden exchange two words with one another. Now here we are, ready to start banging on the street corner before her very eyes.
Luckily there’s no reason to explain this because the bus shows up.
“WE’RE WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND!” shouts Rita the bus driver and Camden giggles as I pull her with me onto the bus after Mrs. Copella has huffed and puffed her way up the steps.
We take a seat in the back and Rita swivels around to ogle us in surprise. Then she grins, turns up the Christmas music and begins moving the bus.
I curl my arm around Camden, a move that clearly pleases her. She snuggles closer and we look outside to see the snowflakes begin to stick to the smudged window glass. It’s like a scene out of a damn Hallmark Christmas movie and, to my surprise, I’m into it.
She wants to hear about what I did yesterday and I entertain her with tales of the worthless Brian, who clogged up the soda machine with coffee grounds and took seventeen smoking breaks.
“I wished you were there,” I tell her and tug playfully on a few strands of her hair.
“You mean because I can tell the difference between coffee and soda?”
“Yup, that’s exactly what I mean.”
“Did Brian mess up my immaculate stockroom?”
I put my free hand on her knee. She’s wearing thick wool tights today and I run my palm over her thigh, pushing the hem of her skirt up just enough to get my point across. “I like to think of it as our stockroom, Camden.”
Her breath hitches and she squirms. She’s remembering the stockroom and the way she got off in my hand. I’m remembering it too. And holy fuck, I’m so hard. This Hallmark movie needs to take an X-rated turn. I wish we weren’t on our way to a long school day. I wish we were alone.
We’re almost in Black Mountain when Camden removes a notebook from her backpack and scribbles furiously.
“You taking notes?”
She wrinkles her nose and clicks her pen. “Just a reminder to follow up with my sports writer about the hockey team article. Looks like they might win the state championship.”
“With Kent and Corby King on the team they’ve got a shot.”
“I forgot that Corby used to live in Devil Valley.”
“Yeah, he did live there for a while. But I don’t see him much since he moved to Black Mountain.”
/> Camden is chewing on her lip. She’s got something on her mind and it has nothing to do with Corby King and the hockey team. “Ben, I need to ask you something important.”
I feel my muscles tensing. I thought she understood that we wouldn’t be conducting an in depth interview. “What is it you want to know, Camden?”
She clutches her notebook more tightly to her chest and takes a deep breath. “Nothing. But can you please avoid broadcasting to the Black Mountain crowd that we hooked up?”
I look out the window, slightly hurt that she’d jump to that conclusion. “I wasn’t planning to broadcast jack shit. So don’t worry. Your pristine reputation is safe.”
“Oh, please don’t get mad.” She touches my arm. “Ben, look at me. I’m not ashamed and I’m not sorry. But you know how people are at school. They can be mean and they can be gossipy. And we haven’t had a chance to really talk and sort this out. So can we just keep this for us? Just for now? Please?”
I soften and take her hand. When she puts it that way her request is actually very cute and sincere and I keep hearing the word ‘us’ echo in my head. I like the sound of it. I like to think that there’s an ‘us’ that includes me and her.
“It is just us, Camden.”
She pulls my large hand into her lap and clasps it between her smaller gloved hands. The bus is slowing down and the gothic outline of Black Mountain Academy looms straight ahead. The snow is falling more thickly here and sticking to the ground.
Camden squeezes my hand. “I have to stay after school for a Bulletin meeting. But I’ll be on the late bus and then I’m scheduled to work from five thirty until nine.”
“I’ll already be there.”
She frowns as Black Mountain Academy closes in. “So many hours from now.”
“Just so you know, I’ll be staring at you all day long and flashing back to filthy naked memories.”
She elbows me and hisses under her breath. “I wasn’t naked.”
“Doesn’t matter. In my head you’re naked right now.”
She can’t keep herself from smiling even as she teases. “Is that all you want from me?”
I push her hair aside and whisper in her ear. “I want everything, Camden. Everything.”
She’s turned on as hell. I can tell by the flush in her cheeks and the way she breathes. The bus brakes squeal and the vehicle quakes to a stop. This will be my last chance to kiss her until much later and I don’t hesitate to take advantage. I lean in and slide my tongue between her lips. I almost lose it when she sinks into me with a moan and touches my belt. It’s going to be torture getting through the day and seeing her right there in front me, just out of reach. But we’re going to try this. We’re going to have something real. We’re going to trust each other.
Camden heads straight for the building. She turns around once, catches my eye and smiles before disappearing through the massive double doors. The courtyard is full of people exclaiming over the snow, posing for selfies and trying to pack the white dust on the ground into snowballs. Snow isn’t exactly a rare sight here in the winter but there’s something special about snow a week before Christmas so I can’t fault them for being excited. Once the holidays are over nobody will be excited for bleak winter weather any longer.
Kent catches up with me in the hallway and throws something over my head.
“Fuckface. You dropped this on the floor of the locker room on Friday.”
I’m glad to see my jacket. I thought I’d be spending time between classes trying to hunt it down. “Thanks, man.”
The first bell rings. Some girl calls out Kent’s name but he pays no attention to her. He pauses in the middle of the hallway and shoots an odd look in my direction. “I was gonna call you this weekend but I knew you were working so I figured I’d just tell you today.”
“Tell me what?”
He’s distracted now because Trina has appeared. She hugs him around the waist and he snakes a possessive arm around her. “We’ll talk at lunch,” he says and then vanishes with his girl, probably off to do something quick and pornographic.
Today I don’t really mind sitting in class, mostly because I’m not paying the slightest bit of attention to what’s going on. I’m busy staring at Camden and having such insane daydreams that I’m in danger of creaming my pants. I’m not missing much in the classroom. The teachers are going through the motions, already in vacation mode with this being the next to last day of school before holiday break.
A few times throughout the morning I catch Camden’s eye and every time she blushes with a little smirk. I don’t know how we’re going to keep this quiet when I’m dying to grab her in the hallway, pin her up against the nearest lockers and do things to her body. I want every horny son of a bitch roaming these expensive halls to know that Camden Galway is taken.
I’d forgotten all about Kent’s promise to tell me something important until he catches up with me at lunch. I’ve got my lunch tray in hand when he appears and practically pushes me toward a table like we’re dating or something.
“What the hell?” I grumble and find a chair while Kent plops himself down right across from me.
He’s got a giant meatball hero clutched in one hand and the thing looks like it’s been mauled by a bear. He swallows the food in his mouth and becomes serious, a rare mood for him.
“I’ve only got a few minutes. I need to go meet Trina when she’s done dealing with some newspaper shit with Camden.”
He openly scowls when he says Camden’s name and I assume it’s because he’s annoyed that Camden is sucking up Trina’s time. But then he puts his sandwich down.
“Look, Ben. I don’t know what’s going on but I thought you should know that Camden Galway has been pumping Trina for information.”
Suddenly I have an uneasy feeling. “What kind of information?”
“Information about you. Camden knows we’re buddies so she tried to get Trina to question me. Like where do you come from and whether you talk about your past.”
I push my food around with a fork and keep my face neutral. “When did you hear about this?”
“She brought it up yesterday. She made it sound like Camden didn’t mean any harm but I wouldn’t be too quick to trust Camden. Thinks she’s Nancy fucking Drew or something.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not into beating around the bush. Just seems kind of sketchy to me even if it is obvious that she’s dying to ride your dick.”
My only answer is a grunt. I continue to push the food around my plate. I don’t want to say anything right now. This needs to be straightened out with Camden. The idea that I might have made a mistake in believing she’d drop her investigative reporting hunt is making me feel a little sick. Fuck, I hope I wasn’t wrong about her. I’ve never been this excited about a girl before.
“Wait a minute.” Kent has put some pieces together. “Shit, Ben. You two have had some weird thing going on for a while. Camden already has ridden your dick, hasn’t she?”
This guy doesn’t know how to whisper. I think about stuffing my napkin in his mouth, even at the risk of getting a hockey stick shoved up my ass.
“Would you keep your goddamn voice down?”
“That’s why she’s so hot about finding out your life history. You guys are fucking.” He’s so sure of himself that he’s grinning like a madman. “Come clean, Beltran.”
“Can you quit screaming my business to the entire cafeteria?”
“What? Nobody’s listening. Nobody fucking cares.”
“Hey.” Todd Bellinger materializes out of thin air and sprawls across the table to get in the middle of our conversation. “You guys are talking about Camden Galway, huh?”
“No.” Kent shoves him away. “Now get lost, you dickless wonder.”
Todd glowers but he has no choice but to withdraw. When I’m sure he’s out of earshot I face Kent and speak in a low voice in the hopes he’ll do the same. “We’re not screwing.”
He doesn’t believe me. “Bullshit. Somethi
ng’s going on.”
I exhale with annoyance. “Yeah, something is going on but I can’t talk about it yet.”
“Why not?”
“Because I told her I wouldn’t and I’d rather not fuck this up. Come on, you’ve got a girlfriend. Can’t you get that?”
A few seconds pass while Kent thinks about it and then he nods. “Yeah. I do get it.”
“Great, let’s talk about something else.”
Kent rips off a massive hunk of his sandwich and chews for a while. When he swallows he’s got some questions.
“Hey Ben, we’re friends, right?”
I have no idea what he’s getting at. “You looking for a promise ring or something?”
“All right, so let’s just say we’re friends. But you know what? I don’t know the answers to any of those questions Camden was asking. Which is kind of weird.”
I should have seen this coming. If you’re around people long enough then eventually it’ll dawn on them that they don’t know much about you. I can’t solve this in the school cafeteria and I don’t try. I shovel my lunch into my mouth and let my silence speak for itself.
Kent isn’t pushy enough to force the issue. He switches topics and begins ranting about hockey. When Corby King scoots over and joins the conversation I’m free to just sit and listen.
There’s nothing thrilling happening in the latter part of the day, except now my head throbs with irritating tension. Camden is only in one of my afternoon classes and then I don’t see her again before the last bell. Even though I know I’ll be seeing her later I try to hunt her down in the midst of the after school pandemonium. I’m still aggravated by the idea that she might have been snooping behind my back after promising that she wouldn’t. We need to talk.
After ten minutes I need to give up the search or I’ll be late for the bus and late for work.
The bus is right on time and I take the same seat I occupied this morning with Camden. My mood isn’t as great as it was seven hours ago. I hate this shit. I hate the sham of my life. I’m sick of it all, sick of pretending to be someone who isn’t even fucking real. In a juvenile move I punch the back of the seat in front of me. It doesn’t even hurt and I want it to hurt. But I can’t sit here punching the furniture until my knuckles bleed or I’ll probably get kicked off the bus.