‘Hence the name,’ said the now giddily bouncing Anna.
‘Followed by something outrageously rude that we have or haven’t done,’ continued Elsie, grinning at her husband and Tom as she shrugged. ‘So for example. Never have I ever, kissed a celebrity.’
Anna reached for her drink and then froze, looking up. ‘Wait, are we playing already?’
‘No,’ laughed Elsie as Tom frowned at his wife in surprise. ‘But we’re coming back to that.’
Anna put her drink back down, her eyes wide as she glanced sideways at her husband and giggled.
‘So we go around clockwise - I’ll start - and if you have done the thing, then you drink. If you haven’t, then you get to interrogate everyone that’s done the thing. Got it?’
‘I’m so excited,’ laughed Anna. ‘Not too rude though, right?’
Elsie winked and grinned. ‘Never have I ever... Seen a ghost.’
Anna gasped and immediately drank a glug of her wine as her husband started shaking his head and leaning back in his seat. Elsie glanced across at him and smiled.
‘I have!’ she giggled. ‘No, really I have.’
‘Hang on,’ laughed Elsie as she leapt up and ran to the dimmer switch, turning the lights down low. ‘Now you can tell us.’
‘Ok, this is going back quite a few years to when I was sixteen. My aunty on my mum’s side had passed away and my mum, dad, sister and myself were at the wake after the funeral. I was a being a typical bored teenager and so I was exploring my grandfather’s house. They actually had a proper basement, and I’d always been told I wasn’t allowed down there, but I remembered that my mum had said that they’d had it converted recently into a sort of music room as my grandad always loved to play piano. So I push the door and it swings open. I shrug and figure why not? I flick the light on, head down the stairs and oh my goodness, it’s beautiful. The whole place is brightly lit, wall sconces, freshly painted, thick carpets, and in the middle of the room there is this grand piano. It can’t hurt right?’
‘I’ve heard this story so many times,’ said Tom, shaking his head as he ate.
‘It’s not a story,’ hissed Anna, her eyes wide. ‘This is where it gets creepy. I sat down at the piano and I played a few notes, really quietly at first as I didn’t want anyone to know I was down there, but then I remembered the whole place was soundproofed so I went for it. I can’t play the piano, but I knew a few simple notes from music lessons at school, so there I am, pretending I’m Elton at Glastonbury - obviously - when I feel something brush against my leg and my dress move.’
Elsie grinned nervously, leaning in, her fork half way to her mouth as the hairs on the back of her neck prickled, listening intently as Anna continued.
‘I look down and there’s nothing there. It felt like a cat, so I looked around, thinking maybe one had come down with me somehow, but there was nothing. I shook my head and carried on playing, then about a minute later I felt it again, but stronger this time. This time, it felt like someone touching my leg - actually gripping it. I felt fingers. I screamed, and jumped back and looked down. Nothing.’
‘I don’t like this,’ laughed Elsie, looking at her husband. ‘I want to turn the lights back on.’
‘I was creeped out now, so I ran toward the stairs and as I get there I turn around and look back one last time and I don’t know if it was my imagination or what, but underneath the chair is the faintest impression of a little girl’s face, and then it was gone.’
Elsie shook her head back and forth, abandoning her fork.
‘It was like when you look at the sun and you get this after burn, it was like that and then she was gone. I ran up the stairs and out of the door so fast I nearly knocked some lady down at the top. Grandad comes over as he hears the commotion and he can see I’m white as a sheet so he takes me into the side room and asks me what’s wrong. Initially I didn’t want to tell him, but he kept asking, insistently, so I explained. He stayed quiet the whole time, and when I was done I could see he was crying and smiling.’
Elsie frowned and even Cole leaned in now, putting down his own fork.
‘He tells me that years ago, before my mum and my aunty came along, he and Grandma had another little girl who’d passed away at the age of four, and her favourite game was to sit under his seat whilst he played the piano and grab hold of his feet, then push them down onto the pedals.’
‘Oh my goodness,’ said Elsie, visibly shaken. ‘Bloody hell.’
‘I know, he was so happy. I think he saw it as some kind of sign. Afterwards my mum told me he’d come back into the room smiling and it was the first time he’d done so in weeks. I think my experience gave him some sort of comfort?’
Elsie wiped a tear away from her eye and took a deep breath. ‘That’s beautiful.’
‘I’m sorry,’ laughed Anna. ‘I guess that wasn’t the tone you were going for.’
You have no idea, thought Elsie. ‘Not quite no, but thank you.’
There was plenty of time to shift things in another direction she thought to herself, but Anna’s request for nothing too rude had thrown her a little. Had she read this wrong? She hoped not.
‘Is it my go?’ said Anna, interrupting the silence.
Elsie laughed and nodded, wiping her eyes. ‘Yes, oh gosh, yes please do.’
‘Ok,’ she smiled, pausing her dinner and picking up her glass. She swirled it in one hand as she thought and Elsie couldn’t help fantasising about kissing her soft wrists. ‘Let’s change the tone a little. Never have I ever… been in a fight.’
The two men burst out laughing as Anna looked at them each in turn with wide eyes. After a moment they looked at one other, and then drank in unison.
’I feel like that was a stereotypical dig there,’ said Tom. ’An assumption of egotistical machismo.’
‘School,’ said Cole, grinning. ‘One lad used to bully me for being a smart arse. One day I lost it and tried to tear his ears off.’
‘Oh good grief,’ said Anna, horrified. ‘Did you?’
’No,’ he laughed. ‘He never bothered me again though. Maybe he figured his hearing was worth more than a few more shitty comments at my expense.’
Tom leaned forward. ‘And I was attacked in broad daylight at a festival by a drugged up hippie trying to nick my phone. He managed to get in two shots before I pinned him down - fucking hurt too. Couple of other guys nearby got a boot in on the bloke before I shouted them off. After a few minutes the police arrived and carted him away. No idea if they arrested him or just kicked him out, but I didn’t see him again.’
‘Gosh, that sounds scary,’ said Elsie, frowning with concern. ‘I hadn’t pictured you as a festival goer.’
‘I’m not sure if it classifies as a fight, it was rather one sided.’
‘It counts mate,’ said Cole.
‘Thank you for the validation,’ laughed Tom sarcastically. ‘I feel like more of a man now.’
‘Alright,’ said Anna, defensive. ‘It wasn’t meant as a patriarchal dig, girls can get in fights too you know?’
‘We’re far more vicious as well,’ interjected Elsie.
Tom nodded. ‘Fair enough, I concede the point.’
‘I once cut off a girl’s ponytail,’ admitted Elsie quietly.
‘No,’ said Anna, astonished.
‘She pissed me off,’ she shrugged.
‘Fucking hell, start edging towards the door Tom,’ laughed Anna, whispering. ‘We need to get out of here. I don’t have a ponytail for her to cut off.’
Elsie giggled with shame. ‘I got in so much trouble.’
‘Were you at school?’
Elsie nodded.
‘That’s awful.’
‘I know.’
‘Is it my turn?’ said Tom, leaning forward. ‘I’ve got a good one.’
‘Oh crap,’ said Anna, looking at him fearfully as she took a bite.
‘Never have I ever…’ he paused for dramatic effect, turning his attention on his wife. ‘Shoplifte
d.’
Anna burst into laughter. ‘You’re such a dick,’ she drank as she admonished her husband with a piercing glare, but as she turned back she noticed that Elsie was blushing too and she pointed in surprise as her new friend slowly lifted her glass, bit her lip in guilt, and then drank.
‘Elsie,’ said Cole, shocked, his mouth falling open as he looked sideways at her.
‘I’m sorry,’ she squeaked, shrinking into her chair and hiding her face in shame.
‘This sounds good,’ said Anna, thankful for the distraction. ‘Violence and shoplifting, you are quite the catch.’
‘I was on a school trip to a museum. Before we left we were allowed to go into the gift shop and spend some of our money.’
Anna gasped as Elsie continued. ‘A museum? You stole from a museum? There’s a very particular archaeologist with a bullwhip coming for you.’
‘There was this rock, it was one of those ones that’s like a split open triangle? And it has all the purple crystals inside?’
‘An amethyst cathedral geode,’ nodded Anna as she shrugged. ‘I’m a geology nerd.’
‘Oh good,’ laughed Elsie. ‘Now I have a name for my shame. Anyway, I was standing there in the shop, looking at this rock and thinking it’s so beautiful, but it’s fifteen quid. All I have is ten, and I’m thinking to myself. It’s just a rock. So I look around, and before I know what I’m doing, I’ve put it into my pocket. This thing was huge. I had to pull my school jumper right down over it and swing my bag round off my shoulder to hide it. I felt so bad, but it was such a rush.’
‘Did you do it again?’ asked Anna.
Elsie looked across at her husband, and then down at her food, before nodding.
‘A few more times… It escalated a little. Then I got caught by my friend’s mum. I was grounded for weeks, my dad was so upset and so disappointed in me. I’ve never felt so awful in all my life. I confessed everything and he made me write letters of apology to all of the shops and return everything I’d stolen. If it was sweets, then I had to pay for them. It was awful, but it was the right thing to do. The museum wrote back to me and thanked me for my honesty - which again just made me feel terrible - and they actually sent me another rock just like the first one. My dad put it on the mantelpiece in the lounge. I think it was meant as some sort of totem of shame.’
‘I had no idea,’ said Cole, shaking his head. ‘It’s like I don’t even know you at all.’
‘I know,’ she laughed, biting her lip in embarrassment, her eyes wide.
‘Good grief. Right. Come on, Cole’s up next,’ said Anna, practically jumping up and down on her chair, apparently desperate to move on. ‘Wait, hang on. I’m sorry, I’m far too hot in these.’
She stood up suddenly and pushed her chair back. ‘Boys, look away.’
Without any further hesitation, and barely enough time for them to do so, she hitched up her dress and pulled down her thick grey tights, peeling them away from her bottom and down her thighs before pulling them off her legs altogether.
Elsie glanced down as the hem of her short dress rode up her blonde friends thigh, and for a moment she caught a brief glimpse of a suspender belt at the top of her sheer, lace topped stockings. Her heart pounded in her chest as her lips went dry. No one dresses like that for a dinner party.
’Hang on,’ said Elsie, taking a deep breath as she looked away, waggling her finger back and forth as she rumbled Anna’s ruse. ‘There was a reason Tom picked that one. Spill.’
Anna’s shoulders sagged and she closed her eyes, when she opened them they were half-glaring and half-grinning at her husband. ‘I will get my revenge for this.’
‘I’m already regretting it,’ laughed Tom.
‘I was fourteen,’ she started, pausing as she sat back down at the table, her cheeks red. ‘My mum was letting me out of the area on my own with my friends for the first time, so we all got the train into the city together. We had some lunch and we all got a bit hyped up. There was this one girl called Tracey, she was the older sister of one of my friends and we were all a bit in awe of her as she had all these amazing clothes and piercings, she was confident and she was older and wore makeup so obviously she was some sort of goddess to us. She started telling us that most of the stuff she was wearing she’d jacked from different shops around the mall and that it was really easy.’
‘Jacked? You down with the lingo?’ giggled Elsie, before cutting a slice of chicken.
‘So down,’ she laughed, touching her forehead as she continued - Is she sweating? thought Elsie. ‘She didn’t tell us to steal anything, she just made it seem… glamorous. So after we’re done eating, we all head to this accessories shop in the main mall and I’m following Tracey around like a lost puppy and see her stuff a cheap little necklace into her pocket. No hesitation, no faff. She’s looking at it, it’s gone, and I think to myself - I can do that.’
‘Uh-oh,’ laughed Cole.
‘You’d think I’d start small, one or two things? Some lipstick? A hairband? Nope. Fuck that. I went on a heist. By the time I was done, I had over two hundred pounds worth of junk stuffed in my pockets, in my bra, down my knickers, in my rucksack. I was jingling. It was like I couldn’t help myself. I can’t imagine what the store security guard was thinking as he watched me.’
‘You got caught?’
‘Didn’t even make it out the door.’
Elsie burst into laughter, her hands over her face in horror.
‘All of my friends scarpered as soon as this fit young blonde guy grabbed my shoulder, and back I go to the rear of the shop where this man tears me to pieces. He didn’t shout, he just talked low and firm and I cried my eyes out. He called my dad, who answered on the first ring - he’d been sat by the phone he was so worried about me - and mum said later he’d been so upset afterwards that he’d cried. The worst part was, when he arrived, he gave me a hug, told me that he loved me, picked me up and carried me all the way back to the car like I was a little kid again, and took me home.’
‘That was the worst part?’ said Elsie, frowning and still chewing.
‘Even though I’d disappointed him, he still let me know he loved me, he didn’t shout, he didn’t get angry, and somehow that made me feel so much worse. I’d let him down. Mum went ballistic. She lost her voice she screamed so hard at me. But Dad just sat down, put the TV on my favourite show and cuddled me. It was utterly savage.’
‘Blimey,’ laughed Elsie as she dabbed her lips with her napkin. ‘I knew this was going to be a good game.’
‘Right, come on,’ said Anna, laughing, as she rapped the table with her knuckles - her words dripping with sarcasm. ‘I’m enjoying this. I feel we’re like we’re starting to find out lots of awful reasons why we shouldn’t be friends or ever see each other again. Come on Cole, let’s see what dark alley you can lead us down now.’
Elsie’s husband sat forward, grinning. ’Ok, I’ve got a good one. Never have I ever… Fallen in love at first sight.’
Anna smiled sweetly as her husband drank, knocking her own back and leaning across to kiss him.
‘Smooth,’ she said as her lips met his, shaking her head as she stroked his cheek. The pair of them turned to look back at Cole and Elsie, whose drinks were still full and their faces sheepish.
‘Oh no!’ said Anna, mortified.
Elsie burst out laughing. ‘It’s okay, the lack of feeling was mutual.’
Cole nodded as he swirled his drink. ‘Let’s just say the first thing Elsie ever said to me was Touch that door handle and I’ll slit your throat from ear to ear with your own fucking razor.’
After a moment of silence Tom erupted into raucous laughter as his wife sat stunned, her hand across her mouth and her eyes wide.
‘Oh, and she was butt naked,’ added Cole.
‘I hate you,’ laughed Elsie as she hid her face in shame.
‘Is this what you wouldn’t tell me in the car? You were naked?’ said Anna.
‘It’s a long story,’ said El
sie. ‘One I’m not quite prepared to re-tell this evening, but maybe one day.’
‘That’s like dropping the ultimate blurb for a book and then saying Out next year! Are you kidding me?’ said Anna.
‘One day, I promise.’
‘Well, we had better stay friends, because I am holding you to that.’
‘So how about you two, how did you meet?’ asked Elsie.
Anna smiled at this and glanced again at her husband. ‘Shall I do the honours?’
‘You tell it best.’
‘Ok. I was living in New York at the time - in a whole other life - working for ACH Holdings as a desk clerk. It wasn’t as glamorous as some might imagine, nor was it as rubbish as others might. I had a nice apartment in Queens, living with another girl from New Jersey. I used to get the subway to Canal Street each morning and then walk seven blocks down the Broadway to Tribeca. I loved it. I felt like I was on the set of Friends every morning.’
‘New York is amazing,’ said Elsie, smiling wistfully. ‘I went there nearly ten years back, when they were building the Sky Line.’
‘You would’ve been there when I was then,’ giggled Anna. ‘Maybe we passed each other.’
‘Maybe,’ smiled Elsie.
‘So, one morning, I’m walking along - bear in mind I’m not a phone zombie - and I’m looking up and around me at all the buildings and how the sun is glinting off the skyscrapers when - wham - I walk into this guy,’ she thumbed towards her husband.
‘No,’ said Elsie, her eyes wide.
‘I was doing the same thing,’ added Tom.
‘I look at him and my first thought is - future husband - it was like a gut punch. I knew it, straight away. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know why, but I knew I was going to marry him.’
‘I was heading up to Midtown for a meeting at the CHB International HQ but I’d never been to New York before so I was meandering along, having taken the ferry from Staten Island, didn’t really know what to do on the subway so I just walked. I hadn’t quite appreciated just how big the city is, so I had no idea how comically late I was going to be, and like Anna I was just in awe of the place.’
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