by Emma Roberts
"Yeah, you can’t get your work done until you’ve had something to eat," I pointed out. "You need your brain power, don’t you?”
"I guess you’re right," Olivia sighed in agreement, and I sat down on my butt and reached over to pick up one of the blocks. It was just like the ones that I had been working on when we had been back in the cabin, and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw it.
"You should take a shot at these," Kari suggested, her mind obviously heading to the same place that mine was.
"What do you mean?” Olivia asked, furrowing her brow in my direction.
"I helped your Mom out by fixing up some old toy blocks recently," I explained.
"Is that what you do?” Sammy asked, his eyes wide, speaking at last. "You fix toys?"
"Yeah," I agreed with a smile at Kari. "That’s what I do."
"Like Santa?"
"Like Santa," I nodded, and Olivia looked at me with surprise. She seemed to be doubting what I was saying, so I shot her a wink, letting her know that we were just playing a game to please her brother. She smiled back at me and returned her attention to the toys.
"I’m going to get a drink," Kari announced, getting to her feet. I didn’t want to be left alone with the kids, so I sprang up to join her at once.
"You doing okay?" I asked her, and she nodded. She was smiling so wide, it looked as though she was going to split her face in two.
"It’s so amazing, seeing you with the kids," she remarked.
"Well, I’m flying by the seat of my pants here," I replied with a chuckle. "Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever spent this much time around children before in my life."
"Maybe you should," she replied, cocking her head at me and smiling flirtatiously. "It suits you."
I wasn’t sure why, but something about hearing those words come out of her mouth sent a shock down my spine. I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I didn’t like it. I decided to turn my attention back to cooking for now and leave her to hang out with the kids. Short, sharp bursts – that was the best course of action for me and the little humans through there.
As I cooked, I couldn’t help but think back to the nanny who had taught me this in the first place. Her name had been Amaya – God only knew if she was still alive these days – and she had had soft gray hair and a gentle smile and a kindness to her that I’d found myself craving whenever I wasn’t around her. She’d always brought me into the kitchen when she was cooking, making sure that I could see what she was doing and explaining how this ingredient added to the depth of flavor and how that one balanced out the other. It was all coming back to me, and doing this made me feel safe, the way being around her had made me feel safe as a child.
Before long, the meal was cooked, and Kari was beside me, helping me lay it all out on the table. The kids gathered round, and Kari helped Sammy into his seat.
"I can manage by myself," he protested, and she planted a kiss on his head.
"Yeah, but I like helping you," she replied as she took her own seat. "This looks brilliant, Morgan. Thank you."
We started eating, and the kids chatted about school and their friends and the playground they had been at that evening. For once, I was more than happy to just sit back and let the conversation flow over me. It was so nice to be listening to something other than the social stats of the latest studio release or how exactly I was supposed to schmooze the head of a new production company. This was real life, as real as it came, and I was already realizing that it was much nicer than whatever I had been doing these last few years. Easier and gentler. Kinder, almost. Nobody here was trying to play games or win at something they didn’t even know how to play. We were just spending time with each other, hanging out. And I was more than happy to just sit back and let it all wash over me.
Once dinner was finished, Olivia helped me clear away the dishes while Kari took Sammy for a bath.
"You going to get your homework done now?” I asked, hoping that my attempts at conversation were enough to impress her. Olivia shook her head.
"No, I want to play a bit more," she replied, smiling at me. Her eyes were shining, as though she couldn’t believe that I was really here. I knew how she felt. I had never exactly pictured myself playing house, let alone doing it so enthusiastically.
Kari eventually emerged with Sammy once more, all scrubbed down and clean, to find us playing with blocks on the floor in front of the television.
This was so calming. I could have done this all day if I wanted to. Hell, all night. Fuck, I could have gone right ahead and done this forever if I’d had the chance.
As soon as that thought crossed my mind, something in me seized up. It was just like it had been when the same thought had entered my head with regards to Kari, but worse. Because this was something far more than just having a crush on a woman I liked. This was her entire life. This was her entire family. This was everything that I had spent such a studiously long time trying to make sure that I never got near, that never got near to me. Family wasn’t something I could do, and there was a good reason for that. It wasn’t who I was. It had never been who I was. The thought of being involved with something like this for the rest of my life, of being responsible for caring for these kids and keeping them from the harm that the world could mete out against them – it was far too much for me.
I got to my feet, suddenly. Kari looked up at me, her brows furrowed.
"Everything okay?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, yeah," I replied. I was already looking for my coat in a blind panic. I was being an ass, but I couldn’t stick around here a minute longer. I wished I could take her aside to explain it to her, but even if I had been able to get Kari by herself, I wasn’t sure I would have been able to get the words out.
"I just remembered, I have a meeting with my agent tonight," I lied to her quickly. "I won’t be able to stay. I should get back – I should get back to the city."
"Alright," Kari replied, getting to her feet. "At least let me—"
But before she could finish whatever it was she had to say, I was out the door. I wanted to stay and explain myself to her, but I felt as though the walls of that place were closing in on me. If I’d stayed a moment longer, I wasn’t sure I would ever have made it out of there at all. I hated myself for it, hated myself for what a coward I had been, for how unable I was to deal with anything like family. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to.
I climbed into the car and slammed the door behind me, gripping the wheel for a moment before I pulled away. Well, if she hadn’t thought I was a freak before, then she certainly thought I was now. I could kiss goodbye to any chance I might have had with Kari. Whatever we’d had, it was over. And it was all my fault.
18
Kari
I sat there at my desk, staring blankly at the computer all over again, counting down the minutes until I could get off work for good. This reminded me of the day when I was supposed to go out with Morgan, the one that had ended with him fleeing from my house as though someone had set his ass on fire.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. I really shouldn’t have. I had invited him to my place, and it had all been way too much for him. Who could blame him? It was a hell of a lot for him to take in, even if he had been the one to suggest it in the first place. He had made dinner, played with the kids, made them laugh – and then up and bolted out of there before I could so much as ask him if he wanted something to eat for the road.
And since then, he had been avoiding me like it was his full-time job. None of my calls to him had been answered, and the replies to my texts had been curt at best and straight brush-offs at worst. I had considered reaching out to his agent in the hopes of getting through to him that way, but I had decided that would be a little too desperate for what I was trying to convey.
But the fact of the matter was that I was desperate. I didn’t know what the hell I had done wrong. He at least owed me that explanation, right? He had gone from blowing up my phone and in
viting himself around to see my kids to running out of my house and ignoring my messages like his life depended on it.
At least I was going out to see Clara tonight – maybe she would be enough to keep me from completely losing my mind over this. She had been my savior in this whole situation, from babysitting the kids while I was away to helping me unpack when I returned, and I figured it was about time that I filled her in on the juicy details and asked for her advice on what to do next.
The day finally dragged itself to a close, and I headed home to hang out with the kids and put them to bed before Clara got there. I was so ready for a glass of wine and a girl’s night. I felt as though I had been far removed from the person I usually was, and I wanted to get back to her. Because she wouldn’t have been dumb enough to fall in love with a movie star who was a notorious playboy and think that anything good would come from it.
I tidied up the house and tried not to think about what it had been like when Morgan had been in here with me just a few days before. The house had felt so full of life again, in a way it hadn’t for so many years – a full family filling it out for a change. But now, it was empty again. No, not empty. I couldn’t think of it like that. It was the same as it had been before Morgan had turned up, and it was the same as it was going to be from here on out. And that was just fine. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Clara finally turned up, just a few minutes late for a change, which was new for her. She rolled out of a cab with a bottle of white wine and gave me a tight hug as soon as she was through the door.
"And here I thought you’d be spending all of your free time with your movie star boyfriend!” she teased me, keeping her voice low so that the kids didn’t hear her. We walked to the family room, which had really just been transformed into our hanging-out space since it was far enough away from the kids’ rooms so as not to wake them when we got giggly.
I guessed she noticed how my face dropped as soon as those words came out of her mouth because concern filled her voice as she caught my arm and spoke again.
"Is everything okay, Kari? What’s going on?”
"I don’t know," I admitted, shaking my head. "I just...it’s so hard, you know? I thought we really had something going on between us, and then..."
"Then what?” she asked, grabbing a couple of glasses from the kitchen and following me down to the family room with the bottle of wine tucked under her arm.
"And then he just vanished off the face of the earth," I replied with a sigh.
"What are you talking about?” she asked as we closed the door behind us and sank into the big, squishy seats. I couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. It was so good to be here, after what felt like so long away – not just literally, during my trip with Morgan, but metaphorically, too. I didn’t want to get so far from myself ever again. It didn’t suit me.
"Well, he came around here one night – we were supposed to be going out, but you had the flu, so I was just going to head home," I explained. "And he said that we should come here so that he could meet the kids."
"Oh!” she exclaimed, sounding surprised. "Well, that’s a good sign, right?"
"Yeah, that’s what I thought," I agreed. "But then, out of nowhere, he just up and left, and I’ve barely heard from him since."
"What – he just ran out of here?”
"Basically," I nodded.
"But why would he do that?” Clara wondered aloud. I pressed my lips together.
"I honestly think I have an idea," I admitted. It had been something I had been trying to push down inside me, but it was time that I confronted what was very likely the truth about why Morgan had all of a sudden lost interest in me when things had been going so well.
"Oh, yeah?" she asked, raising her eyebrows and taking a sip of her wine.
"He probably just realized that I’m not exactly his type," I confessed. "I mean, think about it. Think about all of the women he must have been with before he even met me. I hardly fall into that category, do I? It’s not exactly like I’m another supermodel for him to take out on his arm."
"I really don’t think it’s that," she told me gently, but I was on a roll now, connected to the idea and unable to let it go.
"He probably came down here and saw all of this – you know, all of this domesticity, my real life," I went on. "And he realized that he couldn’t do it. Hell, can you imagine how boring this kind of life must seem to him? Given the kind of life he’s always lived?"
"Kari, you’re not boring," she told me firmly. "Nothing about you is boring."
"But why would he be with me when he could go off and be with some young, gorgeous supermodel or something?” I went on, my voice cracking around the edges.
"Because you’re special."
"Because that’s what Adam wanted," I continued, the words tumbling out of me hopelessly. I couldn’t stop myself now that I had started – all of those insecurities that I had done such a good job trying to keep down all this time, they were bubbling up to the surface. I hated that I couldn’t control them, but there was nothing I could do.
"And I’m only going to get older," I pointed out. "I’m only going to get older, and all of the women who are throwing themselves at him, they’re just going to stay the same age. Why wouldn’t he want to go for one of them instead of me? He can play at being the down-to-earth guy, but it’s just not who he is. It can’t be, not with—"
"Kari," Clara interrupted me, holding up her hand to stop me dead in my tracks. "Kari, take a deep breath there, sweetie."
I stopped myself and inhaled deeply. She was right. I wasn’t going to help anyone or anything by running my mouth like that, coming up with stuff that I didn’t even know was true. I was projecting a hell of a lot onto him, but then again, he was the one who had ramped things up and then dropped away like nothing at all had happened between us. Maybe I was acting a little crazy, but he was the one who had put me in this mindset to begin with. I should never have opened myself up to him.
"Kari, I know that it’s hard for you – I know, with Adam and everything, you haven’t exactly had the best luck with men over the last few years," she remarked gently. She was being so kind to me that I was about to burst into tears again. I was a mom; I was supposed to be the one who did all the comforting. Whenever someone else cared for me, it felt as though I was sacrificing something, opening myself up to someone in a way that scared me a little. I looked up at Clara and managed a smile to keep from crying.
"How do you know Morgan really isn’t just taking some time to figure things out for the charity?" she pointed out. "Maybe he just needs a little space for that, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess," I muttered. But I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. The doubts had taken root in my mind, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to shift them any time soon.
"Look," Clara sighed, clearly bothered by the low opinion I had of myself as far as this relationship went.
"This man wouldn’t have taken you away for a romantic break if he hadn’t actually liked you, right?" she reminded me. "And you said he doesn’t exactly do stuff like this a lot. Maybe he’s just taking some time to adapt to it. You know, to get his head around the new stuff he’s trying out.”
"Maybe," I conceded finally. She leaned over and squeezed my hand.
"If he misses out on you, then he’s an idiot anyway," she replied firmly. "And you know that I’ve got your back with this, honey. No matter what. I’m not going to let him hurt you."
"Good to know," I replied, forcing myself to smile at her.
"Thank you for this, Clara," I murmured. "And for everything. The kids, the house – I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this if it weren’t for you."
"Just make me best woman at your fancy Hollywood wedding, alright?” she suggested, making me laugh. I was still feeling a little wobbly, but much better than I had been.
"Yeah, alright," I agreed. "Though let’s not get ahead of ourselves now, shall we?”
"I’l
l get as ahead of myself as I like," she teased as she took a sip of her wine. And just like that, some of the stress started to lift. I was beginning to believe everything that she was telling me, which was nothing short of a miracle. Now, I just needed Morgan to come through, and I could actually believe that whatever was happening between us was real.
The next day at work, I did my best to focus on work and distract myself from the Morgan situation. I knew that Adam would be keeping a close eye on me, making sure that I wasn’t going out or doing something he didn’t like. Morgan might have scared him, but he would still nitpick to make sure that I wasn’t happy as long as he could get away with it. Lucky for him, Morgan wasn’t causing too much of a problem – I hadn’t heard from him in forever, and I was starting to get really concerned.
Around two in the afternoon, my phone buzzed on my desk. I was sure it was just one of the suppliers for the Christmas event we were putting together calling for another interminable ten-minute discussion about exactly what shade of red we were looking for, but when I looked down at the screen, my heart skipped a beat when I saw that it was Morgan.
I answered at once, giving no thought to being cool and playing it like I hadn’t been waiting for this all day long.
"Morgan," I greeted him with excitement. "How’s it going? Are you—"
"Can you take the rest of the day off?”
His words were crisp and clear and not something I could argue with. I started, surprised.
"Uh, I’m at work right now…"
"And what I need you to do is work-related," he assured me. "Trust me. I’ll send a car over for you. It should be there in ten minutes, alright?”
I glanced around the office. I was supposed to be taking care of work today. But wasn’t this work, too? He was supposed to be working with us, and I was just going along to make sure that the biggest celebrity catch of our entire charity history wasn’t about to go slip-sliding through our fingers.