Carly felt numb by the time she hung up the phone. “Well, that was an uplifting conversation.” She quickly filled Bess in on everything the doctor had said. “If I’m pregnant and it messes up my SK, I’m sunk until after the baby’s born.”
Bess looped an arm around Carly’s shoulders. They stood there, leaning against each other for some time. When Bess finally drew away, she said, “If you lose your sight again, you’ll have to have special financial aid to stay in school. I can’t believe they would make you have two more surgical procedures before you could be reinstated.”
“Those are the breaks. I’ll have to drop out and reapply for the master’s program next year.”
“Oh, Carly, you’ve worked so long for this. If you drop out, I’m afraid you’ll never go back. With a child to support, getting that master’s degree will be all the more important. Not only will it make you more marketable, but it’ll substantially increase your income.”
“I already have my bachelor’s. At least I have that going for me.” Carly’s head was killing her. “I’ll get my master’s, Bess. One way or another. It may just take longer than I hoped.” Carly sat at the table. “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
The following morning, Carly felt sick again. The nausea abated in the afternoon and was gone entirely by early evening, which she took as a bad sign. She lay on her bed, one hand pressed to her lower abdomen. A baby. She couldn’t believe that a life could begin in such a sordid way. Children should be wanted and loved by their parents, not looked upon as mistakes.
Until that instant, Carly hadn’t thought of the baby as a little person with feelings and needs, but now that she had, she couldn’t banish the images from her mind. A child.
Now that she had come to think of the baby as an individual, it was difficult for her to wish it gone. As a very young girl, she’d always wanted to have kids someday. Later, when she reached her teens and began to realize boys weren’t interested in her because of her blindness, she’d abandoned her dreams of motherhood and focused on becoming a teacher of the visually disabled instead.
Curling onto her side, she wrapped both arms around her waist, feeling suddenly protective of the life that might be growing inside her.
Bess came in and sat on the edge of the bed. “Penny for them.”
Carly rolled onto her back. “I’ve just been coming to terms with the possibilities. Not knowing for sure if I’m pregnant yet, it’s kind of hard to decide how I feel, but I think—well, if I am, Bess, I think I owe it to the baby to be happy about it. So what if it turns my life upside down? There are worse things.”
Bess braced her arms on the mattress behind her. “I agree. Looking on the gloomy side doesn’t seem productive. If you’re going to keep this baby, we need to be upbeat about it.”
Carly stared at the ceiling. A few days ago, she’d been able to make out some of the texture swirls in the plaster. Now she couldn’t. She hoped that was due to the dim light. “I’ll definitely keep the baby. Clinical abortion goes against everything I’m about, everything I believe in.”
“We’ve never really discussed it, but I’ve always sensed you felt that way.”
“It’s the only way I can feel,” Carly murmured. “When I was conceived, my mom was forty-three. I’m sure they must have considered ending the pregnancy because of her age. If they’d made that decision, I wouldn’t be here.”
“That’s a pretty heavy thought to carry around all your life.”
Carly ran her fingertips over the chenille. “It’s kept things in perspective for me. There were times, particularly in my teens, when I felt bitter about being born blind. I always cheered myself up by considering the alternative, not being here at all. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve enjoyed my life, and before it’s all said and done, I hope to make it count for something by working with the visually disabled. When I think in terms of all or nothing, I’m really glad my folks had me.”
“I’ll second that. The world wouldn’t be the same without you in it.”
Carly smiled. “You just love me.” She fell silent for a moment. “Looking back on my childhood, I know it must have been difficult for my parents sometimes. Having a disabled kid is no walk in the park. But they never once seemed to regret having me. I’ll always be grateful for that.”
“I didn’t realize your mom was that old when you were born. Do you suppose her age was a contributing factor to your blindness?”
“Maybe.” Carly had wondered the same thing herself. There was no history of congenital cataracts or lattice dystrophy on either side of her family. “It doesn’t matter what caused it. What I look at is my quality of life. It’s been hard sometimes, but I’ve had a lot of fun, too, and I’m excited about the future. That being the case, how can I arbitrarily decide to deny my baby the chance my folks gave me?”
“I understand, Carly. You don’t have to explain. Abortion would never be an option for me, either.” Bess cast Carly a sideways glance rife with mischief. “I’ve always wanted to be an aunt. It’ll be fun to spoil a baby rotten and leave you to deal with the backlash.”
Carly laughed. “That’s what you think. We’ll probably still be living together.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. You’re right. Maybe I should rethink my position.”
“Definitely not. I want my child to have an aunt who’ll spoil it. I never had that. My mom had no siblings, and my dad’s only brother was killed in Vietnam. Being a midlife baby, I can barely even remember my grandparents.”
“That must have been lonely.”
“You don’t really miss what you’ve never had.”
“Your baby will have me and Cricket as aunts,” Bess assured her.
Thinking of their friend Cricket made Carly smile again. She had grown up with Bess living on one side of her and Cricket on the other. All of them being the same age, they’d become inseparable in kindergarten and been like sisters ever since. “I sure wish we could call her more often. I’m thrilled that she got chosen to go to Colombia on the dig, but I miss hearing her voice.”
“You can bet she’s happy as a clam right now,” Bess mused aloud. “Up to her elbows in dirt, dreaming that she’ll make the greatest archeological discovery of the new millennium.”
“What is it with her and dirt?” Carly shook her head. “Even when we were little, she loved to dig. Remember the bones she found in Mrs. Kirkpatrick’s flowerbed?”
“I’d nearly forgotten that! She thought she’d dug up a dinosaur. Come to find out, it was the grave of Mrs. Kirkpatrick’s Great Dane, and we all got grounded.” Bess chuckled. “When you think about it, we’re a pretty unlikely trio, a business management major, a teacher, and an archeologist. What do the three of us find to talk about?”
“Beats me. But I bet I could run up a huge bill if we could get in touch with her. It’s too bad her cell phone reception is so lousy down there.”
“She’d just lecture you for thirty minutes, listing all the reasons you should never have left the bar with a stranger. Then she’d be all over you for drinking when you were taking painkillers. After that, she’d want to hear all about Hank.”
Carly didn’t even want to think about Hank. But if a child was on the way, she supposed she’d at least have to notify him. “Did you get a close look at him, Bess?”
“Close enough. Why?”
“Is he cute?”
Bess gave a startled laugh. “You’re asking me?”
“You know very well I don’t have a clue about looks. When you spend your whole life blind, physical beauty isn’t a concept you can easily grasp. While you’re gone on job interviews, I try to watch movies. It’s a good way to see different topography, animals, and all kinds of people. At first I assumed that the actors with leading roles must be attractive, but they’re all so different. I’m still not sure what beautiful is.”
“Maybe that isn’t a bad thing. We’re all brainwashed. The entertainment industry creates the standard, and we buy
into it like sheep. I think it’d be sort of nice not to have preconceived notions about physical beauty.”
“From where I’m standing, it’s just confusing. I liked the way Hank looked, and right then, that was all that seemed important. Now, with a baby possibly coming, I need to know if he’s—you know—handsome or homely.”
“And if I say he’s a dog?”
“I’ll be worried. I’d like my baby to have good genes.”
“He’s handsome,” Bess assured her. “Very handsome. No worries on that front, sweetie. You chose a hunk.”
The tension eased from Carly’s body. “That’s good to know. It means my baby will have a fifty-fifty chance of being attractive.”
“Fifty-fifty? You aren’t exactly chopped liver yourself. You and Hank will make a beautiful baby.”
Carly smiled. “I hope so.”
“Can’t miss.”
Carly pictured Hank’s dark face, and a thickness gathered in her throat.
“You okay?” Bess drew up a foot and tucked it under her other leg. “If you need to talk about it, my offer to listen is still open.”
Carly turned onto her side and cradled her head on the bend of her arm. “I guess what bugs me the most is that I was so incredibly naive.”
“You weren’t firing on all cylinders,” Bess reminded her. “A guy at Chaps told me if you can finish a slammer, leave the bar on your own steam, and walk back inside, you can drink the rest of the night for free.”
“Hank warned me that it was strong. I just didn’t realize how strong. Dr. Merrick said the pain pills were mild and that I could safely have two drinks over the course of an evening. I’d only had a few sips of beer when he ordered the slammer. I thought it’d be okay if I went easy on it.”
“I think slammers are made with high-proof alcohol, and lots of it. It’s a wonder you could even navigate.”
“I definitely wasn’t thinking straight. I never should have gone outside with him, but somehow, I shelved my common sense and let myself believe—I don’t know—that I’d found someone special, I guess.”
“Oh, sweetie.”
“I’m over feeling sad about it. Really.” Carly flashed a strained smile. “Now I just feel humiliated.”
“When we first start dating, we’re all naive. I’m including guys in that statement. Before we wise up, we all get our hearts broken a few times.”
“Maybe so.” Personally, Carly found it hard to believe that Hank Coulter’s heart had ever been broken. If what Bess said was true, he was one of the beautiful people and had probably traded on his looks all his life. “All I know is, I don’t want to go through this again.”
“We all feel that way right after a bad experience. You’ll get over it.”
Carly doubted that.
On Monday morning after doing her daily job search on the Internet, Bess drove Carly to St. Luke’s to get a pregnancy test. After her blood was drawn, Carly was told that someone would call to give her the results the following day.
The call came shortly before noon on Tuesday while Bess was gone on a job interview. By the time Carly hung up the phone, she was shaking. Facing the possibility that she was pregnant had been one thing. Knowing for certain was far more sobering.
For an hour, Carly wandered from room to room, searching for ways to keep busy and take her mind off her worries. In desperation, she dug out the books she had ordered before the surgery to train her visual cortex. After staring for thirty minutes at pictures in a visual encyclopedia, the captions for which she struggled to read, she wanted to scream. She was pregnant. Soon she’d be responsible for supporting a child, and here she sat, looking at a stupid book. She needed to do something. Only what? She wouldn’t be able to hold down a job for at least three months.
She finally grabbed her sunglasses and left the apartment to take a walk and train her visual cortex in a more physically active way. While outdoors, she still flinched at sudden movements—cars whizzing by, birds swooping down from trees, branches swaying in the wind. As a blind person, she’d lived in a gray, motionless world, and it was extremely difficult to grow accustomed to all the activity that other people scarcely noticed. Just looking down as she walked was a challenge. The sidewalk seemed to move beneath her feet, and it made her feel dizzy.
Four blocks from the apartment, Carly passed the supermarket and strip mall where she and Bess now shopped. They’d made it a priority when they were looking for an apartment to find a location within walking distance of stores so Carly wouldn’t be stranded when Bess wasn’t available to drive her places. The supermarket faced a main thoroughfare. At the corner, Carly stopped and looked both ways at the heavy traffic, yearning to trust her eyes and step off the curb. Only what if there was a car she couldn’t see or the vehicles were closer than they appeared to be? Recalling Dr. Merrick’s warning that her visual cortex would often deceive her, she decided to err on the side of caution and turned left instead. The side streets that spilled onto the main drag weren’t quite as hazardous to pedestrians.
Carly was so lost in thought that she had no idea how far she’d walked when she came to a large parcel of land encircled by a tall, iron fence. Inside the enclosure, blocks of cement and chiseled rock peppered large expanses of lawn. She’d never seen anything like it. But then, no big surprise. Everything was new to her.
Curious and determined not to turn away until she found out what this place was, Carly walked along the sidewalk until she reached a large gate. A sign affixed to the arched entrance read ROSE HILL CEMETERY. It took Carly a moment to decipher the letters. A graveyard? She hugged her waist as she gazed through the fence at what she now realized were headstones. So many dead people. She’d never imagined that there could be so many graves in one place.
The realization soothed Carly somehow. Yes, she had big problems. When she considered the ramifications of this pregnancy, she felt panicky. But it wasn’t the end of the world. She was young and, aside from her vision problems, healthy. Even if she went blind again and couldn’t go to grad school, she had her bachelor’s degree to fall back on. If worse came to worst, she could return to the Portland area and try to land another teaching job. The money wouldn’t be very good, and she’d have to live on a shoestring budget, but over time, she’d get raises. Until then, she’d manage somehow. She and the baby would be okay.
That evening, Bess came home in a gloomy mood because she still hadn’t gotten a job. “It’s not as if I’m looking for a career job in business management,” she grumped as she got a glass of ice tea. “I’ll take anything—a position as a receptionist, even as a bookkeeper. Some of them say I don’t have enough experience. Others insist I’m overqualified. Go figure. I’m starting to worry I won’t find a job.”
“You’ll find something,” Carly assured her. “It may not be what you’re hoping for, but it’ll all work out.”
Carly decided to save her news until Bess had had some time to unwind. Over dinner, she finally said, “They called with my test results this morning.”
“Ohmigosh, I was so upset over the job situation that I totally forgot.” Bess stopped chewing. “What did they say?”
“I’m pregnant.”
The pronouncement hung in the air like a pall. Carly went back to pushing green beans around on her plate. Bess laid down her fork.
“They’re sure?”
Carly tossed her napkin on the table and got up to get a drink of water. Her hands shook as she turned the faucet handle. “I think the blood test is pretty accurate, Bess, and it came out positive.” Carly’s heart did a funny little dance, and her stomach felt much like it had the first time she’d gone skydiving with Cricket. “Congratulations are in order.”
Carly drank the water. Then she set the glass on the counter to dry her hands. Her meal forgotten, Bess crossed the room to give her a hug. “Ah, Carly,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to say.”
Clutching the towel between them, Carly pressed her face against her friend’s shoulde
r. “There’s nothing much to say.” She expelled a shaky breath. “I know this will sound really dumb. My mom’s been gone for over two years. But, oh, God, I miss her right now. I want to call her so bad.”
“You want to phone mine? After she goes into cardiac arrest, she’ll probably handle the news fairly well.”
Carly laughed weakly. She’d known Bess’s mom, Norma Grayson, practically all her life, and the woman was nothing if not excitable. “I guess I could try to get through to Cricket. After the first shock, she’ll make all the right noises.”
Bess pulled back to look Carly in the eye. “Isn’t there a certain cowboy you should call first? This is his baby, after all.”
Chapter Five
The last person Carly wanted to speak with was Hank Coulter. As childish as she knew it was, she gave Bess a pleading look and asked, “Do I have to?”
Bess lightly tapped Carly’s chin with her fist. “Yeah, you’ve got to. It’s the right thing to do.”
Carly clamped her palms to her waist. “What’ll I say to him? Hello, and by the way, I’m pregnant? What if he doesn’t believe it’s his baby?”
Bess rolled her eyes. “Give me a break. You went from being a twenty-eight-year-old virgin to Lolita overnight? If he doesn’t believe it’s his, he’s a jerk, and you and the baby are well rid of him. The important thing is for you to know he’s been notified.”
Finding Hank in the phonebook was more difficult than Carly anticipated. There were several Coulters, but none had the right first name.
“You’ll just have to dial them all, I guess.” Bess slowly read off the first number while Carly punched in the digits.
“Darn it!” Carly depressed the receiver to start over. “I never had trouble like this when I couldn’t see the dratted phone!”
“Here, let me.” Bess tried to take over.
Blue Skies Page 5