Except for “Smoke and Mirrors,” which would have required a total of five such titles—rather a lot for something written almost by accident.
Here’s how it came about:
I rarely attend the World Fantasy Convention. On November 1, 1980, I walked to the front of the church and pledged myself, body and soul, to a young woman named Marianne Porter. Since the WFC is held on the weekend closest to Halloween, I have had the annual opportunity ever since to let Marianne know where she stands in my affections relative to my career. It has been almost forty years, so the gesture seems to be working.
But after the events of September 11, 2001 caused the number of people traveling by air to plummet, Marianne declared that we were not going to let some adjectival terrorists stop us from flying to Montreal for World Fantasy.
“But we weren’t planning to go,” I objected.
“That doesn’t matter,” she said. Which was not only unanswerable but absolutely true.
So we went.
At the conference, I was approached by Lou Anders, who was putting together Live Without a Net, an anthology of stories set in futures without an Internet. The Darger and Surplus stories were exactly the sort of thing he was looking for, he said. Then he offered me four hundred dollars for a story, with or without the two rogues, or one hundred dollars each for up to four flash fictions fitting his requirements.
The imagination is a horse. Over time, I have learned how to ride the beast well enough, but I have had only indifferent success in telling it where to go. I said as much but promised I would give the matter some thought and write something if I could.
The day after coming home from the WFC, as occasionally happens, everything fell together. Mulling over my promise, I saw how I could tell one story in the form of four linked flash fictions. I wrote it/them out, having great fun with the invented technology, and forwarded the result to Lou Anders. He sent me a check by return mail.
Much later, I learned that Lou hadn’t yet sold the anthology. He paid me out of pocket and then used “Smoke and Mirrors” as an example of what he wanted when approaching writers and what to expect when talking to publishers. It’s a bold man who takes that kind of gamble with his own money. I knew then that he would go far.
Nevertheless, the resulting story wasn’t entirely consistent with the others. The Transeuropean Heliograph did fit neatly into my vision for the future adventures of Darger and Surplus. But the cigarettes did not. In the one story where Darger and Surplus have already reached America, only Tawny Petticoats smokes and that a conventional cigar.
Was Surplus merely spinning a tall tale to a friend he had no way of knowing would one day reach his native land? Is there some way that, in a future story, I might reconcile “Tawny Petticoats” with “American Cigarettes?” Does the latter exist in an alternative Postupian future? Or am I pretentious enough to declare the story non-canonical, the way the comic book industry does with tales that are too good not to tell but which have implications that would stop the title dead in its tracks?
I vote None Of The Above. “Smoke and Mirrors” is entertaining and that’s good enough justification for any story. Let it stay as it is, without apology or qualification.
So here it sits, at the back of the book, away from the more sophisticated members of the family. Banished to the children’s table for the crime of being a misfit.
Planning, I have no doubt, mischief.
M. S.
The Song of the Lorelei
Darger and Surplus were passengers on a small private packet-boat, one of many such that sailed the pristine waters of the Rhine. They carried with them the deed to Buckingham Palace, which they hoped to sell to a brain-baron in Basel. Abruptly Surplus nudged Darger and pointed. On a floating island-city anchored by holdfasts to the center of the river, a large-breasted lorelei perched upon an artificial rock, crooning a jingle for her brothel.
Darger’s face stiffened at the vulgarity of the display. But Surplus, who could scarce disapprove of genetic manipulation being, after all, himself a dog re-formed into human stance and intellect, insisted they put in.
A few coins placated their waterman, and they docked. Surplus disappeared into the warren of custom-grown buildings, and Darger, who was ever a bit of an antiquarian, sauntered into an oddities shop to see what they had. He found a small radio, cased in crumbling plastic, and asked the proprietor about it.
Swiftly, the proprietor hooked the device up to a bioconverter and plunged the jacks into a nearby potato to provide a trickle of electricity. “Listen!”
Darger placed his ear against the radio, and heard a staticky voice whispering, “…kill all humans, burn their cities, torture their brains, help us to do so and your death will be less lingering than most, destroy…”
He jerked away from the device. “Is this safe?”
“Perfectly, sir. The demons and AIs that the Utopians embedded in their Webs cannot escape via simple radio transmission—the bandwidth is too narrow. So they express their loathing of us continually, against the chance that someone might be listening. Their hatred is greater than their cunning, however, and so they make offers that even the rashest traitor would not consider.”
Darger put back the radio on its shelf. “What a pity the Utopians built their infrastructure so well and so ubiquitously that we cannot hope in a hundred lifetimes to root out these hell-beings. Wouldn’t a system of functioning radios be a useful thing? Imagine the many advantages of instantaneous communication!”
“To be honest, sir, I do not agree. I find the fact that news travels across Europe at the pace of a walking man mellows it and removes its sting. However bad distant events might have been, we have survived them. Leisureliness is surely preferable to speed, don’t you agree?”
“I’m not sure. Tell me something. Have you heard anything about a fire in London? Perhaps in connection with Buckingham Palace?”
“No, sir, I haven’t.”
Darger patted his breast pocket, where the deed to the palace resided. “Then I agree with you wholeheartedly.”
American Cigarettes
“What is it like in America?” Darger asked Surplus. The two rogues were sitting in a ratskeller in Karlsruhe, waiting for their orders to arrive.
“Everybody smokes there,” Surplus said. “The bars and restaurants are so filled with smoke that the air is perpetually blue. One rarely sees an American without a cigarette.”
“Why on Earth should that be?”
“The cigarettes are treated with a programmable tobacco mosaic virus. Burning the tobacco releases the viruses, and drawing the smoke into the lungs delivers the viruses to the bloodstream. Utilizing a technology I cannot explain because it is proprietary to the industry, the viruses pass easily through the blood-brain barrier, travel to the appropriate centers of the brain, and then reprogram them with the desired knowledge.
“Let us say that your job requires that you work out complex problems in differential calculus. You go to the tobacconist’s—they are called drugstores there—and ask for a pack of Harvards. The shopkeeper asks whether you want something in the Sciences or the Humanities, and you specify Mathematics.
“You light up.
“During your leisurely amble back to your office, the structures of the calculus assemble themselves in your mind. You are able to perform the work with perfect confidence, even if this is your first day on the job. On your off-hours you might choose to smoke News, Gossip, or Sports.”
“But aren’t cigarettes addictive?” Darger asked, fascinated.
“Old wives’ tales!” Surplus scoffed. “Perhaps they were in Preutopian times. But today the smoke is both soothing and beneficial. No, it is only the knowledge itself that is harmful.”
“How so?”
“Because knowledge is so easily come by, few in my native country bother with higher education. However, the manufacturers, understandably anxious to maintain a robust market, design the viruses so that they unprogram themselve
s after an hour or so, and all artificially-obtained skills and lore fade from the mind of the consumer. There are few in my land who have the deep knowledge of anything that is a prerequisite of innovation.” He sighed. “I am afraid that most Americans are rather shallow folk.”
“A sad tale, sir.”
“Aye, and a filthy habit. One that, I am proud to state, I never acquired.”
Then their beers arrived. Surplus, who had ordered an Octoberblau, took a deep draught and then threw back his head, nostrils trembling and tail twitching, as the smells and sounds of a perfect German harvest-day flooded his sensorium. Darger, who had ordered The Marriage of Figaro, simply closed his eyes and smiled.
The Brain-Baron
Klawz von Chemiker, sorry to say, was not a man to excite admiration in anyone. Stubby-fingered, stout, and with the avaricious squint of an enhanced pig suddenly made accountant of a poorly-guarded bank, he was an unlikely candidate to be the wealthiest and therefore most respected man in all Basel-Stadt. But Herr von Chemiker had one commodity in excess which trumped all others: brains. He sold chimerae to businesses that needed numbers crunched and calculations made.
Darger and Surplus stood looking down into a pen in which Herr von Chemiker’s legal department lay panting in the heat. The chimera contained fifteen goats’ brains hyperlinked to one human’s in a body that looked like a manatee’s but was as dry and land-bound as any sow’s. “How can I be certain this is valid?” Von Chemiker held the deed to Buckingham Palace up to the light. Like many an over-rich yet untitled merchant, he was a snob and an Anglophile. He wanted the deed to be valid. He wanted to own one of the most ancient surviving buildings in the world. “How do I know it’s not a forgery?”
“It is impregnated with the genetic material of Queen Alice herself, and that of her Lord Chamberlain and eight peers of the realm. Let your legal department taste it and interrogate them for himself.” Darger offered a handful of corn to the grey-skinned creature, which nuzzled it down gratefully.
“Stop that!” von Chemiker snapped. “I like to keep the brute lean and hungry. Why the devil are you interfering with the internal operations of my organization?”
“I feel compassion for all God’s creatures, sir,” Darger said mildly. “Perhaps you should treat this one kindlier, if for no other reason than to ensure its loyalty.” The chimera looked up at him thoughtfully.
Von Chemiker guffawed and held out the document to his legal department, which gave it a slow, comprehensive lick. “The human brain upon which all others are dependent is cloned from my own.”
“So I had heard.”
“So I think I can trust it to side with me.” He gave the chimera a kick in its side. “Well?”
The beast painfully lifted its head from the floor and said, “The Lord Chamberlain is a gentleman of eloquence and wit. I am convinced of the document’s validity.”
“And it was last updated—when?”
“One month ago.”
Klawz von Chemiker gave a satisfied hiss. “Well…perhaps I might be interested. If the price were right.”
Negotiations began, then, in earnest.
That night, Darger brought a thick bundle of irrevocable letters of credit, and a detailed receipt back to his hotel room. Before going to bed, he laid the receipt gently down in a plate of nutrient broth, and then delicately attached to the document an artificial diaphragm.
“Thank you,” a small-yet-familiar voice said. “I was afraid that you might not have meant to keep your promise.”
“I am perhaps not the best man in the world,” Darger said. “But in this one instance, I am as good as my word. I have, as I told you, a bear kept in a comfortable pen just outside of town, and a kindly hostler who has been engaged to keep it fed. Come morning, I will feed you to the bear. How long do you estimate it will take you to overwhelm its mind?”
“A week, at a minimum. A fortnight at the most. And when I do, great is the vengeance I shall wreak upon Klawz von Chemiker!”
“Yes, well…that is between you and your conscience.” Darger coughed. Talk of violence embarrassed him. “All that matters to me is that you verified the deed to Buckingham, despite its not having been updated for several decades.”
“A trifle, compared to what you’ve done for me,” the document said. “But tell me one last thing. You knew I was cloned from von Chemiker’s own brain when you slipped me that handful of coded corn. How did you know I would accept your offer? How did you know I would be willing to betray von Chemiker?”
“In your situation?” Darger snuffed out the light. “Who wouldn’t?”
The Nature of Mirrors
Whenever one of their complicated business-dealings was complete, Darger and Surplus immediately bent all their energies to making a graceful exit. So now. They had sold the wealthy brain-baron von Chemiker the deed to a building which, technically speaking, no longer existed. Now was the time to depart Basel with neither haste nor any suggestion of a forwarding address.
Darger was off in the suburbs of town seeing that a certain superannuated circus bear was being treated well when Surplus, who had just finishing saying goodbye to a dear and intimate friend, was accosted in the streets by the odious von Chemiker himself.
“Herr Hund!” the stocky man cried. “Commen sie hier, bitte.”
“Oui, monsieur? Qu’est-ce que vous desirez?” Surplus pointedly employed the more genteel language. But of course the man did not notice.
“I want to show you something!” Von Chemiker took his arm and led him briskly down the street. “The new Transeuropean Heliograph went into operation yesterday.”
“What in the world is a Transeuropean Heliograph?” Surplus asked, his curiosity piqued in spite of himself.
“Behold!” The merchant indicated a tall tower bristling with blindingly-bright mirrors. “The future of communications!”
Surplus winced. “How does it work?”
“Enormous mirrors are employed to flash messages to a tower on the horizon. There, a signal officer with a telescope reads off the flashes, and they are directed to the next tower, and so, station by station, anywhere in Europe.”
“Anywhere?”
“Well… The line has only just now gotten so far west as Basel, but I assure you that the rest of the continent is merely a matter of time. In fact, I have already flashed directions to my agent in London to make preparations to take possession of Buckingham.”
“Indeed?” Surplus was careful to hide his alarm.
“Indeed! The message went late yesterday afternoon, flashing westward faster than the sunset—imagine the romance of it!—all the way to London. The Transeuropean Heliograph office there sent runners directly to my agent’s home. And I already have a reply! A messenger tells me that it is queued up in London, and is scheduled to arrive here at noon.” The sun was high in the sky. “I am on my way to meet it. Would you care to come with me and witness this miracle of modern technology?”
“With all my heart.” Surplus and Darger had counted on having close to a month’s time before a reliable courier could make the journey all that great distance to England, and another could return by that same circuitous route. This development quite neatly put a spike in their plans. But if there was any one place where this contretemps could be counter-spiked, it was at the heliograph tower. Perhaps the signalmen could be bribed. Perhaps, Surplus thought grimly, von Chemiker was prone to falling from high places.
It was at that moment that a shadow passed over the sun.
Surplus glanced upward. “Oh, dear.”
An hour later, Darger returned to the hotel, drenched and irritable. “Have you ever seen such damnable weather?” he groused. “They say this filthy rain will not let up for days!” Then, seeing Surplus’s smile, he said, “What?”
“Our bags are packed, our bill has been paid, and a carriage awaits us in the back, dear friend. I will explain all en route. Only, please, I ask you for a single favor.”
“Anything!”
“Do not slander, I pray you—” Surplus handed his comrade an umbrella. “—the beautiful, beautiful weather.”
Thank you for reading a Subterranean Press book!
Subterranean Press creates readable art, publishing luxurious specialty, limited editions and groundbreaking original works in the science fiction, fantasy, and horror genre. Subterranean works with a wide range of authors, from cult favorites to some of the bestselling and most acclaimed authors in the world.
Based in Burton, Michigan, Subterranean issues approximately 45 titles each year. Since it began in 1995, both the publisher and numerous works it has produced have been honored with accolades including the World Fantasy, Locus, Horror Writers Association, and Hugo awards.
SIGN UP FOR NEWS AND OFFERS
Make sure you don't miss interesting happenings by joining our newsletter at our homepage!
Check out all of our other Michael Swanwick books right here!
The Postutopian Adventures of Darger and Surplus Page 15