by Katt Rose
Chase let out a deep breath and fell beside me in the couch. He was silent for a moment, his eyes taking in his home. “The anger and hurt you caused me kept me going with this place. I thought if maybe I built this, you would come back.”
I sat silent and forced myself to look at him. “I did come back.”
His face fell. “When?”
“Three months after I left. It took that damn long for the doctors to figure out what was happening to my mom. They hustled their investigations after my mother drove into a pole and couldn’t remember what happened. Then I was forced to arrange care for her…”
“I came back for you. I needed you beside me. I missed my best friend. I never meant to stay away for so long, but like I said shit happened. I was in so over my head and I needed to apologize to you for what I had done. A phone call wasn’t going to cut it. But when I came back…” I let my voice trail off.
Chase rubbed the back of his neck; a nervous habit he formed. “Keep going.”
“I saw you. With her.”
Chase blew out a breath. “I wish you had come to me. Em. I wasn’t with a soul for about a year after you left. What you saw, it was just typical Miranda trying to cozy up to me. I was hurt, so I didn’t push her away.”
I let out a forced laugh. “All I saw was you, with my mortal enemy Miranda Brooks. I knew then how much I had hurt you. I assumed you hated me and I fucked off. And it was that very day I met Sean.” A wry smile formed my lips. “Funny how life works, hey? It has a sense of humour, a cruel one but at least its something.”
Chase tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Are you going to look at me?”
I raised my eyes to his. “I saw you kiss her.”
“I wish you had kept watching. You would have seen me push her off. When we did eventually get together, things between us didn’t last long. I was trying to fill a void. It didn’t work.”
“I am truly sorry, Chase. For everything.”
“I know you are. I am too.” He gave me a small grin. “I was downright pissed off at you. I had never been so angry with anyone. And now here you are, on my couch.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Do you still hate me?”
Chase studied me. His finger trailed my jawline. “Hardly.”
I smiled. “So, it worked then.”
“What did?”
“You built the house and poof, I appeared.”
I scooted closer to him until our faces were mere inches from each other. I missed you so much. “I forgive you, Em. I always have.”
I closed my eyes and pulled back. “Can we do this?”
Chase sighed. “Do what?”
“Go back to where we left off?”
“I’d like to try. You don’t have to be alone in this anymore. Let me take some of the load off. You’re drowning.”
I let out a heavy sigh and rested my head in his lap. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You did back then and you do now. Stop being so hard on yourself. You can’t dwell on the past, it will only weigh you down.” He gave me a tight squeeze.
“When did you get to be so philosophical?”
“I was forced to have a lot of time to think.”
I stretched out and let the heaviness take over my body. “So you should be thanking me then?”
“Ha, for what?”
“For forcing you to grow up and become who you are now. I did good.”
“Only you would find a way to pat yourself on the back. Em?”
Chase’s voice became muffled in my ear. For once I was drifting away into a sea of blackness, my mind stilled. I welcomed the quiet; the pure nothingness and I let it take me under.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“What’s it like where you go?” I sat next to Aaron, allowing my feet to hang over the edge of the fence. The tall grass swayed gently in the spring breeze, the smell of life reawakening.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel any pain. My body and mind are kinda numb. It feels good, safe and comforting, y’know?”
“No,” I whispered.
Aaron softened. “How’s mom?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you been to see her?”
“I’m scared to be around her.”
“You have to stay close, Em. Don’t leave her. She needs you and you need her.”
The old familiar tug in my heart appeared. “I know. Aaron?”
“What’s up, sis?”
I stared at my left forearm and traced my finger over the raised scar. “I’m so sorry.”
Aaron’s carefree expression fell. “Don’t be sorry, you did everything you could.” He stood and pulled me off the fence. “Come here, kiddo.”
I fell into his arms and hugged him tightly. Aaron stepped back after a moment and stared into the distance. “Watch over mom, k?”
A wave of loneliness cracked my heart. He was going to leave me again. “Is it that time already?”
“Yeah. I can’t stay, you know that.”
“Aaron?”
“Mm?”
“I love you.”
Aaron broke into his childish, carefree smile. “Who wouldn’t love me?”
I laughed. “Don’t be a jerk.”
He winked at me. “Love you too.”
“Don’t forget us,” I whispered, as my words were lost in the breeze.
Heat radiated against my skin from the warm body next to me. I stretched out happily and squinted my eyes open. Chase was on his side, his head propped up by his hand. “Morning sleepy.”
I smiled widely as I took in his tousled hair, and still half asleep gaze. A lifetime of memories flooded back to me in a split second. “Morning, stranger.”
“How did you sleep?”
I sat up gingerly, working the kinks out of my neck. “It’s been a long time since I passed out on a couch. I can’t believe we both fit on this thing.”
“You’re tiny. It was a good excuse to have you close.”
I grinned, and then grimaced. “My head is throbbing.”
“Ha, can’t handle the alcohol like you used too. Aging is a bitch.” Chase hopped over me and stood, stretching. “I feel like my body belongs to a 50 year old some days.”
“Time takes away so much,” I said to myself.
“Coffee?”
“Yes please.” I flopped back down and shifted onto my stomach. I watched Chase, still in the clothes from the night before bustle in the kitchen. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee began to fill the house. I took in a deep, appreciative breath and met him in the kitchen.
Chase handed me a steaming mug. “Here you go. Drink your way to alertness.”
“I will, thank you.” I took a careful sip of the heated dark liquid. The familiar taste filled my senses and promised to kick my brain into gear. My eyes drifted out the large kitchen windows and grew wide at the beauty before me. Mountain views stood in the distance, offering a panoramic view. The fields glistened in the snow-draped rug, and areas of the property were clustered with tall evergreens and bare twisted maples.
Chase stood behind me. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
I craned my neck around the corner and made out a small barn and wood shed. “How many acres is this again?”
“Twelve.”
I turned to face him. “Twelve. Twelve acres.”
“Yep, and a small creek borders the neighbouring property.”
“I forgot how beautiful this place was.”
He gazed at me softly. “Yeah, you have.” He took a step forward and my heart began to hammer like a jack. A loud knock at the door broke the trance and caused us both to jump.
“Dammit,” Chase muttered under his breath and left to answer the door. Elayna burst into the room. Her worried features fell and she grinned as wide as a cheshire cat. “There you are, I’ve been calling you like mad. I had a hunch you’d be here.”
My cheeks flushed instantly. “Sorry I didn’t call, I was, uh, well…”
I gestured helplessly.
Elayna smiled widely once more before her features fell. “Your aunt came by this morning.”
My stomach dropped. “Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know, she wasn’t willing to talk with me very much. She left pretty quickly.”
“Crap, thanks for letting me know.”
Elayna’s eyes danced from myself to Chase. “Anywho, I guess I should be going.” She took a step forward and wrapped me in a bear hug. “I’m so glad you’re back. I guess I’ll see you later?” She smirked at Chase, “or maybe not.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Uh-huh.”
Chase shot me a look and walked Elayna to the door. “Thanks for popping in.”
When Chase rounded the corner, escorting Elayna outside I grabbed my cell phone. 10 missed calls. Shit. I dialled my aunt Sam and paced restlessly.
“Emmy is that you?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I missed your calls. How’s mom?”
Aunt Sam let out an exasperated sigh. “She’s asleep now. It was a rough night, Emmy. She went completely blank, and she was quite upset. She had no idea where she was, who I was. I was hoping you could come by and try and talk to her. I wonder if she just needs someone familiar near her, you know?”
“You’re her sister. Aren’t you familiar enough?” As soon as the words were out guilt slapped me across the face,
Chase rounded the corner and caught the tail end. His expression looked pain. I shook my head and mouthed I’m sorry. I pressed the palm of my hand into my forehead. The line remained quiet. “Aunt Sam?”
Sam cleared her throat. “While I am her sister, we have spent years apart. The bond we have is nothing like yours. I have chosen to be with my sister during one of the hardest battles of her life.”
Her words were steeled and they were meant to hurt. They did. They sliced my insides like a paper shredder. Fuck. I spoke quickly. “Can we all meet for lunch, or a mid afternoon coffee?”
“I was hoping you could come by the house, actually. I thought it would be nice to get things out of storage and set up the home a little more. I think it could help your mom on a sub conscious level to have the house feel lived in like it used to be.”
I slumped onto the granite counter top in defeat. Her words made perfect sense. “Sure,” I sighed. “I can be there in a few hours.”
“Good. See you then.”
The line went dead and my body grew cold. I felt Chase’s presence behind me, battling whether it was safe to come closer or not. “Em? You alright?”
“I have no idea.” I turned to face him. “Can you come with me?”
“Of course I will.”
Relief flooded my veins. “Thank you, thank you so much.” I let out a small laugh. “I mean this is ridiculous isn’t it? I’m scared to go home, to see her…”
Chase took a large step forward and wrapped me close. “We’ll get through it. Step by step, k?”
I leaned aginst his arms and craned my neck upwards to meet his eyes. “Thanks for being here. I don’t know how I could do this on my own.”
Chase ran his fingers in my hair. “We should pick up your car then and take you back to Elayna’s for a change of clothes.”
I smirked. “I look that bad huh?”
“Naw, y’look good. But you might want to get your grubbies on. I think I overheard heard we’re setting up the house?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Yup. Time for the items to see the light of day.” I crossed my arms and leaned back against the counter top. “I think apart of her always knew she’d come back. She refused to let me sell the house and our belongings. I fought with her bringing most of it into storage, I just couldn’t understand why she would want to hold on to everything. There was no need.”
“Do you regret it?”
I shook my head. “No. I just wish we were here for a different reason.”
“I know. I’m going to change clothes and have a quick shower, do you mind? We can head out in 15 minutes.”
“Sounds good. I’ll wait here.”
Chase nodded and took the stairs two at a time. From above, I heard the shower start. I lingered at the bottom of the steps and glanced upward. Chase left the bedroom door opened and was unaware I was watching. He tore off his shirt and grabbed a towel from the hall pantry. I admired his taut back muscles as he disappeared behind the corner.
“Still looks good,” I muttered to myself. I tore myself away from the stairway and made my way to the fireplace. I grabbed the fire poker and shuffled the ashes, revealing embers. I strode into the kitchen and quickly slipped on Chase’s clunky slippers. I unlocked the glass sliding door and grabbed a handful of wood from his neat stack. Once inside, I placed the wood strategically in the fireplace and helped bring the fire to life by blowing on the embers like a birthday candle. The embers began to smoke, until at last, a small rush of flames bursted to life. The wood began to snap and crackle as the fire roared to action. I sat on the cool tiled floor and hugged my knees to my chest. Intense warmth followed by butterflies began to beat in my stomach. This felt all too familiar; being with Chase no matter where we were, felt like home. I wrapped my arms around my torso and hugged tightly. It was too soon. I could not expect to pick things up where we left off. I was not ready for that. Time had changed a lot of things and my world was so unsettled. I needed him that I could not deny. I spent nearly every waking moment regretting what I had done to Chase, but at the time I’d believed it was necessary. Life had pushed us away but now here we all were, we had come full circle.
“Hey, look at you. You’re still the fire queen I remember.”
I stood up stiffly and forced a smile. “Yeah.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m just feeling a little uneasy about today. It’s nothing. Come on, we should get my car. I should get changed into something warmer.”
Chase raised an eyebrow but didn’t push me. “Okay.” He grabbed a toque and motioned me out the door. I hopped in the truck and tried to ignore the uneasy flopping of my stomach. I stared out the window in silence as we headed into town, trying to focus on deep breathing. A firm squeeze on my knee caused me to jump.
“Em, it’s going to be alright. I’m with you. Loosen up; you’re knuckles are turning white you’re clenching your fists so hard.”
“What?” I looked at my white knuckled grasp. “Oh. Oops.” I unclenched my hands and rotated my wrists in an effort to loosen up. The nerves began to bunch and build and before I knew it, my knee was bouncing in a rapid pace. “Jesus!” I cried in frustration. “I can’t keep still.”
Chase nearly whispered. “Just breathe, it will be okay.”
His words lacked the conviction I yearned to hear and I couldn’t help but notice his own grip had tightened on the steering wheel. My nerves were like an infectious disease; spreading and taking hold of those who were near.
Soon enough he pulled next to my frozen car. “Are you going to be okay to drive?”
I nodded. “Yes, follow me to Elayna’s?”
“K.”
After a few attempts my car awakened. I stuck it in gear and began the drive to my temporary home. Where do I belong? I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I have nowhere to call my own. It was a short drive from town to Elayna’s. I parked quickly and Chase pulled in behind. We entered the vacant house together.
I looked around and called out a greeting. There were no signs of life. “They’re probably at work.”
“Most likely. I’ll wait here for you.”
“Okay, make yourself comfortable. I’m going to have a quick shower.”
“Okay.”
I took the stairs two at a time and grabbed a pair of leggings and warm sweater. I escaped in the washroom and turned the shower on full blast. The house was aged and the pipes often took awhile to warm up. Once the water held a trace of heat, I scooped my hair and fastened it into a loose topknot. I stepped under the mild water and hoped the warmth
would quiet my trembling hands. A feeling of forewarning had taken over. I had a sickening foreboding that I would soon be left to face everything I had long since fled. And I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
We arrived at the storage facility. We worked in rhythmic silence loading up the truck. Chase threw glances of concern my way but said nothing. He knew how hard this was for me. He also knew me well enough that I didn’t want to talk about it; there was no way to predict how this would go. It all would depend on my mom’s current state. Would she be present in the moment? Or would her mind have been robbed of her essence?
“Truck’s full,” Chase said quietly.
“Let’s go.”
We hopped inside the cab and Chase hesitated starting the ignition. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? I can deliver all of this myself if you want.”
“As tempting as that is, and believe me it’s so tempting, I should see her.”
“Here we go then.” The truck tires crunched the ice below and away we went.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10”
“What the hell is this?” I exclaimed.
Sam looked at me in outrage. She put the Bible down gently and marched toward me, grabbing my elbow. She dragged me into the kitchen. “Do not speak to me that way, Emmy. I am trying to offer your mother some comfort.”
“Aunt Sam,” I said in exasperation.”I’m beyond thankful that you’re here, I truly am but you know as well as I do that Mom isn’t the religious type. She’s always been more of a free spirit. Religion is your comfort, not hers.”
Sam took a forced breath. “Emmy, there is no better time than right now for your mother to form a relationship with God.”
Before I could say another word, my mother’s tinkling laughter filled the house. Sam and I looked at each other in question before we went to investigate. Chase stood next to my mother; his body language was clearly uncomfortable. His cheeks were filled by a deep hue of red.