by Katt Rose
I came to a halt at the stop sign. The engine idled loudly, the exhaust smoke drifted like a cloud in the frozen air. Delway St. My breath caught and for a moment it was hard to breathe. The scar on my arm began to ache. I can’t do it. I stared down the road to my left and blew past it. I took the long way to my destination and let my foot off the gas. My eyes darted carefully back and forth, praying, hoping I would see a silhouetted figure in the distance standing upright.
My eyes locked on something ahead. I pulled over to the side of the road, the headlights illuminating her. She did not flinch, she did not move. I killed the engine and grabbed the coat from the passenger seat. As much as it killed me, I did not run to her. I took my time as not to spook her if she didn’t know who I was.
“Mo- er Audrey?” No response. I continued my walk until I stood beside her. “God, you must be freezing.” I draped Chase’s oversized jacket around her and began to run my hands up and down her arms. Audrey stood in her pyjamas, boots and a light cardigan. It was a wonder she was alive.
Her eyes flickered and she looked at me. “Emmy.”
Relief flooded through me. “I’m here, Mom. Let’s get you inside.”
“I found him. I told him everything.”
I kept my eyes on the truck. I didn’t want to look where she pointed. “I’m glad.” I helped her get inside the still warm truck. I turned it on and blasted the heat.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m cold.” Audrey looked at the jacket. “Thanks for bringing this.”
“You’re welcome.”
We drove in silence until Audrey cleared her throat. “Sam told me what I did.”
I was surprised. “Did she?”
“Honey, I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
“Of course I do. It’s okay.”
“But its not. Nothing about this is okay,” she whispered.
I tightened my grip on the wheel. I know. “Do you remember leaving the house this morning?”
“Crystal clear.”
“You weren’t dressed properly.”
“I know. I woke up needing to go. I knew Sam would make me wait until later and I just couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to see him.”
“I know.”
“Have you been to visit?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“It’s comforting, I hope you try it sometime.” Audrey let out a very tired sigh. “I don’t know how much longer I will be here, truly present. What you saw….it was traumatizing. No one should ever have to go through what you did. I would like to see you heal, to truly move on. I want to be your mother for as long as I can.” Audrey’s voice broke. “It will never be long enough. I wanted forever.”
Her words cut into places I didn’t know existed. If I tried to speak, I would crumble. Instead, I reached out and grabbed her hand. She held on with everything she had in her.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“This isn’t home.”
“No, I’m not ready to take you back yet.”
Audrey smiled and got out of the truck. “I’m game.” Her eyes took in the quaint house. “Where are we?”
The porch light was on and the door swung open. Chase’s eyes took us in and he ushered us inside quickly. He guided Audrey next to the roaring fire. The sweet smell of brewed coffee filled the house. He walked next to me as we entered the kitchen and gave me a quick hug. “You scared the shit out of me. How are you? How is she?”
“Cold. She’s lucid right now. She’s upset, about everything.” I looked around the cozy home. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You knew I’d bring her back. You got the fire ready for one, and the freshly brewed coffee? Nice touch.”
“It’s the least I could do. I was on pins and needles hoping I wouldn’t get a phone call from you. That would mean…”
“I know.” I jolted. “I need to call Sam.”
Chase nodded. He grabbed a warm mug and sat beside my mom. I punched in my aunt’s number and watched the two of them from afar. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life? Round two.
“Emmy, is she okay? Please, god, tell me you found her.”
“I did. She’s okay. She was quite cold but we have her with us now. She’s by the fire with a warm coffee. She’s safe.”
“I promise you this will never happen again. I’ll get coded locks for the inside doors, or an alarm system put in. Where are you? I can come pick her up.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose.”An alarm system might be a good idea.” I paused and lowered my voice. “It’s like she’s a prisoner inside her own home, bloody hell.”
“Emmy. it’s for her own safety.”
“I know. Don’t worry about picking her up. I’ll drop her off later. I want to get some food in her and hopefully she’ll rest.”
Silence filled the other end. I grimaced; I could sense aunt Sam’s distain. “Aunt Sam I will watch her. I want to spend some time with my mom. “While she’s here.
“Alright. I’ll take the opportunity to run out and get errands done in the meantime. Emmy?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry I lost her.”
“No one blames you for this, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either. You’re doing a good job with her. You’re buying me time to breathe and wrap my head around all this. Thank you.”
Aunt Sam’s voice filled with emotion. “You’re welcome. I will see you tonight, for dinner?”
“Sounds good. We’ll see you at 6:00.”
Six o’clock came all too soon. We spent the day reminiscing about the happier times, and I became all too aware of how precious and fleeting time truly was. The ticking of the clock marked every second that my mother was here, and I knew that within a single moment, a barely noticed mili-second could take her away in the blink of an eye. She knew it too. I saw a look beyond sadness within her eyes, a fear she was trying to contain. My mother began to stare at me like I was a long lost artefact, though I knew she was only trying to burn me into her mind and hope that the image remained strong. Chase broke out the camera and captured one of the last possible days my mother was here with me. And that was the damn kicker, the hardest part. The simply not knowing of how much time was left.
“We should go to see Sam. She’s been working on dinner for us all day.”
Audrey stood slowly and her eyes drank in Chase’s quaint home. “Okay. She’s been working over time for us, hey? I suppose we shouldn’t be late.”
Guilt again edged me. I shouldn’t leave the burden on my aunt solely. I had been by my mother’s side day in and day out since this all began. I had no right to bail out now, no matter how hard it was on me. “She’s been a big help for sure. Chase, do you want to join us?”
Chase stole a glance between myself and my mom, looking for approval. He nodded. “Sure thing. I’ll warm the truck up.”
As Chase shut the door behind him, I zipped up my jacket and shoved my hands into my gloves. “Mom, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“When aunt Sam reads the Bible to you, how does it make you feel?”
My mother let out a twinkling laugh. “Believe it or not, I don’t mind it. I give her a hard time for it, but I find comfort in the joy it brings her.”
“Oh, that’s a different way of looking at it.”
“You know me, Em. I’m not 100% sold on this whole God business. If it is real then he really hasn’t done much for me, has he? First Aaron, and now my disappearing mind?” Audrey let out a bark of bitter laughter. “He’s a bit of a jerk.”
Despite the hardness those words held, I couldn’t help but laugh. I leaned close and gave my mom a quick hug. “I love you, Mom. Don’t ever change.”
“I’m trying.”
We linked arms and headed into the bitter cold, making a run for the warm cab of Chase’s truck. Chase flicked on the radio and my mom hummed along to the radio. We pulled up into the driveway of my childhood
home and we all stumbled outside. Aunt Sam opened up the door quickly. Her eagle eyes quickly flew to my mother and her body visibly relaxed once she saw she was all in one piece.
Audrey sidled up next to Sam and swung her hip into hers. “Lighten up sister. I’m still here.”
The stark contrast between the two siblings was night and day. Physically they were quite similar with their lithe builds, dark hair, and large eyes. However, Sam stood with a stiff grace and she played well within the lines. My mother was a stark contrast. Her free spirit shone down on her, lighting her up from the inside. The rules of the world were a mere suggestion, ones she often skirted around.
“Let’s all go inside before we freeze to death,” Aunt Sam muttered.
I shot Chase an apologetic look and nodded for us to follow. I couldn’t help but notice the way Sam watched my mom with faint disapproval. An uneasy thought tore into my mind, and I wondered if aunt Sam preferred to be around my mom when she was vacant; it was then that Sam could speak freely about her faith without protest.
“Something smells amazing,” Chase sighed in pleasure.
I rolled my eyes and nudged him in the ribs. “Food is the way to a man’s heart.”
Aunt Sam smiled in pride. “Please everyone sit down. Let’s eat.”
Chase placed his hand on the small of my back and led me to the kitchen table. I slid into my chair and he sat next to me. Audrey and Aunt Sam sat across from us. Audrey wore a big smile on her face and sighed. “It does my heart good to see the two of you together again.”
I nearly choked on my water. My eyes tore into Chase’s with slight alarm and he grinned. “Life is a funny thing,” he mused.
Audrey nodded. “That it is.”
Aunt Sam wrinkled her brows. “I know the world may think the way I live my life is dated, but I hope you two aren’t planning to move in together unwed.”
The room went silent. Chase stiffened and he shot me an incredulous look. Did she just say that? “Um…” I began then faltered. Truth be told, I had no idea what we were doing. We were just starting to get to know each other again.
Audrey cleared her throat. “I don’t think that’s any of our business. These two have known each other for a long time. They’ve been through thick and thin together.”
I cringed inside and fought the urge to cover my face. Through thick and thin. Those words must have stabbed Chase in the gut. When our world crumbled like ruins, I ran. I left him behind. I stole a glance at Chase but he remained visibly unphased, until his eyes met mine. The hurt was there, for only a split second but I saw it.
Aunt Sam studied us very closely until we both began to squirm. “Dinner is getting cold. Let’s eat.”
We dished our plates and despite the thickness that was heavy in the air, I was hungry. Chase took an eager bite and I was about to follow suite until I caught the look of disapproval that Sam wore. My mom’s eyes went wide and mouthed a silent no to the both of us. She put her hands together in a silent prayer.
“Oh,” I said aloud.
Chase had followed the silent conversation and he set his fork down. “Ah, crap.” As soon as the words were out, my mother and I let out a loud laugh.
Aunt Sam took a forced breath and attempted to dust the taboo under the rug. “I’ll say a quick prayer and then we can eat.” Aunt Sam clasped her hands together, lowered her head and closed her eyes. “Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for this food…”
I looked away and found Chase’s hand under the table. I gave it a firm squeeze and leaned into him. I pressed my lips to his ear. “I’m sorry.”
He shook his head and a playful smile appeared. “I’m not on her list of invites back.”
“Amen.” Aunt Sam’s voice cut the room.
“Amen,” we mumbled quickly.
Aunt Sam settled her eyes upon Chase. “You may eat. Please enjoy.”
The food was delicious; Sam’s kitchen skills were incredible. The conversation fell into an easy rhythm and everyone seemed to breathe a silent relief. Once the wine came out, aunt Sam seemed to lighten up. Her and Audrey even managed to fall into a fit of laughter at times. I settled back into my chair and allowed warmth to take over in the pit of my stomach. This house almost began to feel like home again. The gripping panic that once tore through me and stole my breath had faded enough to let me relax. On instinct my eyes fell to an empty chair at the table and the old ill feelings began to stir ever so slightly. I forced my gaze away as quickly as I could.
I cleared my throat and stood.”I’ll be right back, I need to use the washroom.”
I wandered through the familiar home. I peeked inside my old bedroom and smiled. It looked as though aunt Sam was staying here; a Bible sat on the night table. I strolled over to the window near the bed and traced my fingertips over the window ledge. I spent many nights crawling through the window to sneak out where Chase stood below, waiting to catch me. It became habit for him to boost me back inside before the sun rose. I quietly slipped out of the room and peeked inside my mom’s room. The familiar scent of her perfume wafted softly in the air. After I washed my hands in the washroom, I splashed some cold water on my face and headed back into the hallway.
At the far end of the hall, a door was shut. My mind went fuzzy and my limbs took on a mind of their own as they led me to the closed door. I opened it and carefully stepped inside. My breath was sucked from me in an instant. Aaron. Nothing had changed. Everything remained where it was. A heavy layer of dust overtook the remains, marking the time that had passed. The bed was unkept, Aaron was never one to make his bed. Snowboard posters remained on the wall, his clothes hung in the closet, his favourite baseball cap still stood on his dresser along with spare change. Everything was still here. Well, almost everything. The light that brought these items to life had faded.
“I still can’t bring myself to clean this room.” My mother’s voice caused me to jump. I let out a squeak of surprise.
Audrey smiled sadly and stood next to me. She squeezed my hand. “Look at you,” she whispered. “You’re in this house, in this room and you’re still standing.”
Tears welled in my eyes and I nodded shakily. “I am.” My vision grew blurry and I forced myself to blink. “Do you come in here often?”
“As much as I can. I find its become more of a comfort than not.”
“I’m not there yet. It feels so…empty.”
“Not to me. I feel him in here. He’s everywhere.” Audrey’s eyes fell to the bed. “Do you know how hard it is for me not to make that damn bed?” she laughed softly.
The cold emptiness began to stir from deep within. I felt the coolness creep over every inch of my skin and take hold of my heart. I needed to leave. I began to back out of the room slowly, careful not to disturb the past. “I shouldn’t leave Chase alone too long with aunt Sam.”
“Fair enough.” My mom left the room and she shut the door with tender care. “Let’s go save the boy, shall we?”
The rest of the evening remained fairly uneventful. We enjoyed dessert and some more laughs. I could see the tiredness that crept into both my mom and aunt. They walked us to the front door and we said our good-byes. Audrey hugged me longer than what most would consider to be a reasonable amount of time. I cherished it, for every good-bye we shared could very well be our last. I gave aunt Sam a quick hug and as we left, I noticed the alarm system that had been installed in the mudroom. Aunt Sam and I exchanged a quick glance. My eyes landed to my mom and she smiled unknowingly. I turned away and stepped into the cold. For the first time it did not catch my breath for my body had already begun to grow numb.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Red is more than just a color. It has a life form all in its own. Not you. You were not supposed to find me. Don’t look at me, please. The deep crimson was all I could see. It stained the skin, took over the clothing and seeped into the pores of the sparkling white snow. Beyond the red, I remember the haunted scream that broke the silent night. I don’t remember who let out
the scream, but I think it came from me.
“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
I awoke to Chase’s arms wrapped firmly around me. He gently rocked me back and forth, stroking my hair.
“It burns!” I cried. I scrambled out of bed as the scar on my forearm began to pulsate and throb. A hot searing pain took over the raised flesh and I wondered if this was how cattle felt while being branded. I bolted to the washroom and ran cold water over the old wound. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and my breath came out fast and garbled.
Chase followed quickly behind. “What can I do?”
“Water,” I croaked.
He nodded and was gone and back within an instant. He offered me the cold glass and I gulped it gratefully. I turned off the tap and began to pat my arm dry with a towel. I pressed my back into the solid wall and let my feet slide out from under me. I sat on the cool tile floor and let my legs lie sprawled out.
Chase sat next to me and put his arm around me. “How long have you had the nightmares for?”
“They started a week after it happened.”
“Me too,” he whispered.
I looked at him eagerly. “You have them too?”
Chase buried his face in his hands. “I still hear you screaming. Him too.” My heart faltered but he continued. “I remember when you got that,” his eyes landed on my scar and he traced it carefully.
I swallowed hard. “That was me screaming, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. I have never heard such a sound.”
“When I think back to that night, what scared me the most was when the night went quiet. Everything became so still, all the noise just…stopped. That was the most terrifying thing of all.”
Chase paled. “It never went quiet, Em. I was yelling at you to stay with me.”
I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to fish through my memories of that night. Everything happened so fast, there was so much chaos things became muddled together. Memories became lost. “I don’t remember you yelling at me.”