by Nicole Dykes
I pour coffee into both mugs and hand him one. He leans against the counter. “You have to make her. They’re drowning over there on their moral highness.”
“They’re doing okay,” I shrug and take a drink of coffee. I know it’s not true. I see the dark circles under Shaw’s eyes. I know how badly she doesn’t want to get out of bed today and every day.
He shakes his head. “They’re one fucking setback away from being on their knees and we both know it.”
I wince, hating that he’s so casual with this shit. Of course, he’s seen it firsthand too many times to count and so have I. He found his own aunt walking the street corners trying to make it only last year. So many lost souls. Too many for Dane to save. Too many for anyone to save.
“She won’t do that.”
He shudders and takes a drink. “We don’t want to believe that, but she’s stubborn as hell and she doesn’t want us to take care of her.”
“I think she would come to us before taking a mouthful of dick she doesn’t want.”
He takes a drink. “Pride is a motherfucker. Just make her take the damn money. I know both of you were behind this month.” He puts the cash down on the counter.
“I have rent covered. I had a job last weekend.”
He cocks a playful eyebrow asking me, “Sucking a little dick on your own?”
I roll my eyes. “You do know there are jobs other than blowjobs, right?”
He chuckles and it’s good to talk to him like this, even if maybe it’s a slightly dark subject. I haven’t seen him a whole lot lately. “So, what kind of job?”
“Construction. Billy Cooper’s older brother needed some help.”
“Sounds like a lot of work for a little cash.”
I shrug my shoulders telling him, “It is what it is.”
“You should come work with me.” I stiffen and he laughs. “It’s not that bad, man.”
“Oh yeah?” I gesture to his face that’s still bruised from someone’s fist. “Tell your face that. I’m nobody’s bitch.”
He grunts and finishes his cup of coffee, putting the mug in the sink. “This was just occupational hazard, and it wasn’t my employer. You’re tough. You’d be fine.”
I down my coffee. “No thanks. Shaw would kill me.”
“You’re fucking pussy whipped and you’re not even getting the pussy.”
I wash both mugs quickly and put them in the drying rack, who knows when I’ll be back here and I don’t need dishes piling up. “Don’t go there. You’re just as whipped and you’re not even interested in pussy.”
He grins at that and agrees as he leans back against the counter. I’ve known he’s gay for a while now. I’m not sure who else knows, and as far as I can tell he hasn’t really made a bigass coming out announcement because he doesn’t need to. Dane does what he wants and always has. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but again, it’s something we don’t talk about. It doesn’t make a difference to me if he’s fucking guys or girls.
We’ll always be best friends.
Still, I couldn’t help but go there today and fuck with him for saying shit about me being whipped.
“True. How you can do anything for pussy I will never understand.”
I smile. “Maybe you don’t know what you’re missing.”
He makes a grossed out face. “Pass.” We both laugh and he looks out the window, as if he can tell the time somehow. “I have to get going. Gotta check on my brothers then back to work.”
“You could start working construction with me you know? Get out of that shit.”
He smirks, shaking his head and already heading for the door. “Nah, I’m in too deep and the pay’s too damn good.” He nods toward the cash on my counter. “Make her take it, Carter. She’s our girl to take care of whether she likes it or not.”
I nod, a silent promise to him that I will do what I can, and he leaves.
Now I have to deal with Shaw, and I have no idea how to keep that promise.
After my shift, I should probably go home, but I want to see my friends. It’s been a few weeks since Thanksgiving and we’ve all been busy.
I know Carter would have picked me up from work, but he didn’t know I picked up an extra shift today and he said something about a job. I hope he and Dane are there.
I oddly feel comfortable in the sea of people from our neighborhood though. Even if I haven’t talked to many of them. There’s a comradery there. Kind of a ‘we take care of our own’ vibe. And it doesn’t hurt that most people associate me with Carter and Dane.
“You’re here!” I look over at Angie who is bouncing toward me in her zipped up puffer coat and old, dirty boots. I actually look behind me to see if someone else is there, but she’s talking to me.
“I am.” I say hesitantly.
“Are Carter and Dane with you?”
Ah, that makes sense. “They aren’t here?”
She shakes her head, pouting. “No. I was hoping to have some alone time with Carter.”
Gag. “I’m sure he’s sorry he’s missing that.”
She smiles, but it’s plastic. We do not like each other. We never have. “Oh believe me, he will be.”
Where are they? My eyes search the party ignoring Angie, but then I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Carter’s big body cutting through two houses and out into the back alley. He makes his way over to me and I guess Angie who’s trying to push me out of the way already. “Carter!”
He ignores her and focuses on me. “You heard from Dane?”
I shake my head and I don’t like the way his voice sounds. Uncertain. “Why?”
“I haven’t seen him for a few days.” My heart picks up, alarmed. Dane checks in. I’ve been working a ton lately, but he usually stops in to the diner and I try to think of the last time he did that. He wasn’t at school on Friday or today. It’s Monday.
“That’s not good.” I breathe, the night air white with the air from my lungs.
“I know.” He tucks me to his side and pulls me away from Angie, away from the mass of people. “I tried to call him, but he’s not answering.”
“How can we find him?” I look up at Carter, feeling intensely sick.
“No we. You aren’t going anywhere near the people he works for.” I huff already annoyed and he adds, “He’d kill me.”
“Damn it, Carter. What if he’s dead?”
He pulls back like I slapped him and I know it’s our worst fear. And I said it out loud. “He’s not. He probably just had a big job or something. Maybe they made him travel.”
“Without telling us?”
He’s grasping at straws. “I’m going to his house to ask his dad.”
I scoff, folding my arms over my chest, feeling the cold. “His father won’t even know what day it is.”
“The boys then.”
“They’re little.”
He runs his fingers through his hair. “I have to do something, Shaw.” He starts to walk out of the alley, and I follow, but he stops. “What are you doing?”
“What do you think? I’m not staying here while you look for Dane. He’s my friend too.”
“You are so fucking stubborn.” I hold his gaze and he curses, “Fuck. Come on.”
I keep up with him even though it feels like I have to take two steps for his one. My stomach is swirling with dread as we make our way to the house Dane lives in. I wasn’t ever opposed to the immoral/corrupt deeds he was doing to make money. Not really anyway, unless he was hurting innocent people. Mostly, I was just scared for this day.
The day my best friend disappears off the face of the earth and no one knows what happened to him.
I’ve been preparing myself for this very moment for years, and I can barely force myself to keep up with Carter now as we approach the house. The closer we get, the shakier I feel, trying to slow down time like I’ll never be able to go back.
It’s dark out, but I see a large, hulking figure walking from the opposite direction and instinctively grab Carter’s arm
. He stills for a moment and then as the figure approaches I let out a gasp. It’s Dane.
We run to him, both of us, and then we reach him. The asshole is grinning. “What are you two doing here?”
I look up at him in awe, but also try to assess if he’s okay. He seems fine. I smack him across the chest. “You’re fine?”
“Ow.” He places a hand over the spot I just assaulted, but he’s laughing. “I’m fine. What has your panties in a twist?”
“You weren’t in school today or Friday. We haven’t heard from you.” Carter supplies, appearing much calmer than me, but I know he was scared.
That’s the thing about these big, macho men. They fight their true emotions, but I’ll always see right through them.
“I’m sorry.” He’s somber now. “I had a lot of shit to take care of.” He pulls a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lights one. He knows that drives me insane too. I swear, he’s determined to kill himself one way or another. “If I wasn’t so close to graduating, I’d quit.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” I say it, but I know he would.
He laughs, “Still hanging on to the dream, huh?”
No. What I rarely tell either of them is that I don’t dream anymore. He was right all of those years ago. I wanted to believe I was special, like Carter said, but I’m not. I’m another ‘hood girl that will eventually be passed around and used up. Old before I’m forty and worn the hell out.
“Where were you?” I ask, annoyed I can’t see his eyes clearly with it being so dark out here. It would be great if the city would fix the damn streetlights that are out around here, but that won’t happen anytime soon.
“They had me running. I was busy. I should have checked in.”
“Yeah.” I can see Carter’s white teeth in the night, he’s smiling. “You should have. I could be getting laid right now if I wasn’t looking for your dumb ass.”
“My ass is not dumb.” Dane punches him in the arm and then he wraps both arms around me and Carter, “Let’s go do this thing then. I’m sure there’s someone there still willing to fake it with ya, man.”
“Fucker.” Carter says it under his breath, but he’s laughing.
Dane can always make him laugh. I’m still pissed off, hurt, and now, I get to add jealous.
Sometimes it really sucks being a girl.
15 years old
God, I hate these bitches. All acting like they have some kind of claim over Carter and Dane. They’ve been my best friends for ten years, but still every party they are all over them.
And they don’t seem to mind the attention at all. Dane is drunk out of his mind. He might be high too. Definitely out of it.
Carter has had some whiskey but isn’t sloppy drunk.
Still they are dancing with two skanky bitches in the grade above us and I feel like I’m going to explode. Dane is pressed against the blonde one as she grinds her ass against his dick and his hands are on her tits.
But he seems far away. Not with her.
I’m trying not to explode with irritation. I’m fifteen and haven’t been kissed for two years. And that was with Carter and unbelievably confusing.
He hasn’t touched me since. Not like that. He sleeps in my bed a lot. I’ve woken up pressed against his erection more times than I can count, but as soon as he’s conscious he pulls away from me.
Does that mean that he lets other guys around me? No.
I’m sitting on the couch in his living room, people everywhere…. guys my age everywhere, but not one of them looks at me.
Because I belong to Carter and Dane.
They’ve made that clear, but neither of them wants me that way.
I’m so annoyed. I get up and grab a bottle of whiskey, it’s almost empty, but I take a swig. I hiss and choke when then alcohol hits my throat, but I force myself to swallow it down.
I was too busy sputtering with the disgusting liquid in my mouth to notice Dane had let go of the blonde and is now standing in front of me looking amused. “What are you doing?”
I roll my eyes, the music around us is loud, almost obnoxiously so. I have to shout my answer back. “Getting drunk!”
He laughs at me and I’m sure I look ridiculous holding the whiskey bottle by the neck, my throat still raw from the liquid. “Is that so?” he shouts back.
“Yes.” I take another drink and swallow it down, coughing and placing a hand over my chest as it burns all the way down.
He takes it from me and takes a drink, finishing the bottle effortlessly. “You don’t want to be drunk.”
I take a step closer to him, his big body towering over me, and it should intimidate me, but it doesn’t. “No?”
“Nope.” He shakes his head, leaning down, his lips pressing against my ear. “You want to be kissed. Maybe even more.”
I feel a shiver through my body at his words. He’s always blunt. Alcohol or not. He pulls back slightly, and I meet his eyes. “Maybe.”
He smirks, looking over his shoulder and I follow his gaze all the way to Carter who is watching us, ignoring the redhead he was dancing with. Dane’s brown eyes meet mine, flickering with fuckery. “You want me to kiss you?”
I stare at him, taking in his almost too beautiful features, but I know he doesn’t see me that way. I’m starting to think he doesn’t see any girl that way. There’s always a distance there. He keeps a part of him away from everyone I’ve seen him with. “No.”
“Why not?” He tilts his head to the side and his lips pout. “You want to be kissed.”
“Not by someone I see as a brother and who definitely only sees me as a sister.”
We’re standing close now and I can smell the alcohol, sweat, and his woodsy cologne. The smell not exactly a turnoff, but it’s Dane.
“I’ll give you anything you want, Shaw. I don’t want to see you all pouty.”
I roll my eyes at him and then gasp when he leans in and drags his lips over my jaw and down my throat. “Dane.” It’s a throaty request. For what, I’m not sure. To back up? To do more?
My hands move to his biceps and I know he’s out of it. Lost. Something bugging him that I can’t put my finger on. His mouth moves over the skin of my throat and up to my ear. “Does this make you happy?”
It feels good, sending a tingle through my whole body, but it also feels wrong. Forced. “No.”
“Because you want him?” His voice is a soft growl in my ear before he nips at the lobe.
“Dane.” I say his name again, but then he’s being pulled back and I look over at Carter, a scowl on his face.
“Why don’t you two get a room?”
Dane laughs at that, wiggling his eyebrows at me, “Now that could be fun.” His gaze flicks to Carter. “You want to join?”
Carter still looks pissed and I have no idea why. He seemed like he was doing just fine a moment ago. “No.”
Of course he doesn’t.
“I’m going home.” I push away from both the Neanderthals I call my best friends. Dane snickers as he grabs another bottle of liquor heading toward the blonde. I start toward the door, but Carter is right behind me.
“Don’t leave, Shaw.” He grabs my wrist and I turn to face him.
“Why? You’re having fun. I wouldn’t want to ruin that.” I’m mad and I can’t even explain to myself why that is.
He has the audacity to act like he’s irritated with me and grabs my hand now, pulling me toward the bedroom. I should pull out of his grasp, but I just follow along. When we get to his room, he closes the door behind us.
“Were you about to kiss Dane?” he asks, turning to me with accusing eyes.
I stand there for a moment, surprised by his question. “So, what if I was? Why do you care?”
“Because.” He doesn’t offer any more of an explanation and it’s maddening.
“Because? Because why, Carter?” I step closer to him, challenging him.
“Because he doesn’t like you like that.” His brow crinkles with the anger he’s feeling
and confusion.
I shrug my shoulders, tossing my hair with one hand and giving him a pouty look. “Now how do you know that, Carter? I’ve grown up a lot in the last year.”
Boobs. I finally got boobs. And my hips have a flare to them now. I’m no longer a walking stick figure.
His jaw ticks, “I just know.”
“Maybe I want to be kissed again.” I walk closer to him, so close that our shoes are touching. I tip my chin up to look into his eyes.
Again.
I said it to remind him that it wasn’t all that long ago that he kissed me.
I watch his throat as he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He looks almost tortured. “Don’t kiss him.”
I grasp the collar of his t-shirt and pull him down toward me. “Then you kiss me.”
“Shaw,” he breathes against my lips.
“I’m tired of waiting around.” I press my lips to his and finally, finally he lets go of the control he keeps around me. His arms lock around my waist and he kisses me back. It’s still slightly awkward and clumsy, but it’s Carter.
It’s what I’ve wanted for a long time. For him to see me.
We wind up on his bed, with his large body on top of mine, our lips locked with desperate desire, my legs wrapping around him, keeping him there.
Just wanting to feel him.
But then… his large hands that were in my hair move to the bed beside my head and he pushes away from me. His eyes meet mine as we pant, aroused and breathless. “Shaw.” There’s that torment again.
“Don’t pull away.” My hand drags over his back and to his hair, that’s soft and thick.
“We can’t do this.” His body is still hovering over mine and he looks almost pained.
“Why?” I know he’s been with other girls. They won’t shut up about it. Always trying to befriend me to get closer to Dane and Carter. It’s annoying.
“Because you’re Shaw. You’re not just a ‘hood girl. I won’t hurt you.”
“So don’t hurt me, but don’t push me away.”
I notice the muscles in his arms pulled tight by the strain of holding his body off me. “I’m not. We’re friends. Best friends. I don’t have any right to kiss you or touch you.”