by Nicole Dykes
“Shaw,” it takes everything in me not to shake her. “Dane is gone. We can’t do anything about that right now, but I’m not going to lose you too. You know nothing. Nothing at all.”
She glares at me and then her expression goes to a scary blankness that is absolutely horrifying. “Fine.”
The cops do question us, but I make it apparent from the beginning that we have nothing to offer. Finally, they let us go after getting our names and information.
It won’t matter. They won’t get anything from us.
I drive back to Shaw’s house and drag her inside. The catatonic state she’s in puts mine to shame. She’s covered in blood and I carefully remove her clothes hoping they have hot water today.
I turn the shower on and strip out of my own clothes. It’s all mechanical. I barely even notice her body.
She looks past mine.
We walk in under the spray and she sobs against my bare chest. “This can’t be real.”
I only feel empty. Why the fuck is this my life? “We have to get the blood off you, Shaw.”
She steps back, looking at the red on her hands. Her eyes watery and rimmed in red when she looks up at me saying, “I don’t want to wash him away.”
“It’s not him. It’s his blood and he wouldn’t want you covered in it.” I carefully wash her, and she lets me, all fight gone.
All hope drained from her pretty eyes.
We climb out and I dry her off before pulling a clean shirt over her head. I pull back the covers on her bed, pull my jeans on and we climb into the bed together.
I wrap my arms around her and listen to her sobs.
And I know, nothing will ever be okay after this.
My mom rushes into my room, making Carter and I both sit straight up in my bed. It’s dark out and my mother is hysterical. “Shaw? Please tell me it’s not true.”
My body is exhausted. My eyes hurt when they open from crying so hard for so long. Carter is sitting right next to me, but he feels miles away. “It’s true.” He answers, but I don’t recognize his voice. So void of anything human.
“No,” my mom cries. “This fucking neighborhood!”
I flinch, not used to hearing my mom curse. I still can’t seem to move or say anything. The grief in her voice is crippling.
He’s just gone. Just like that. He was so strong and such a force. Now he’s just gone. Forever.
“How could this happen?” I’m not sure if she’s really asking the question for an answer, because she’s looking up at the ceiling.
Carter just stares past my mother, numb and cold. “I don’t know.”
She moves to my bed, pulling me into a hug. “I’m so sorry.” She wraps her arm around Carter, but we both stay still. “I’m so sorry you two.”
We stay like that for a while. My mom crying and apologizing. Carter and I unmoving.
After a while, Carter leaves. I don’t think he can face me any longer and I let him go even though I want him to stay.
I lay in my bed alone for I don’t know how long.
Thinking about the last time I saw Dane. Going over everything in my head.
I knew he was in danger, but he always seemed so above it. He always seemed greater than life.
I didn’t see this coming.
Not in a million years.
And now he’s gone.
And I know I’ve lost Carter too.
We’re all dressed in black. The casket is black. And so is the sky. The weather is not cooperating, but I couldn’t care less.
If a tornado came through and ripped everything apart, I wouldn’t care.
It’s the first day of March and the day we’re burying our best friend.
Carter is standing next to me, a stoic look on his handsome face. My mom is on my other side.
I’ve never seen either of them look so defeated, but I feel it too.
I don’t think anything will ever be okay again.
I want the casket to pop open and Dane to jump out saying “got you, fuckers!” but I know it isn’t going to happen.
I saw his vacant eyes that day and his battered body.
After the funeral, my mom goes to work, and Carter and I sit on the couch, still dressed in our funeral clothes.
We aren’t saying anything because there’s nothing to say.
I’ve never felt so damn numb in my life.
“Carter?” My voice is a whisper and he doesn’t turn his head to look at me.
“What?”
“Fuck me.”
Now he does look at me and there’s horror on his face. “What the fuck did you just say?”
I’m looking straight at him, showing him I’m dead serious. “Fuck me.”
“You’re insane.” His words cut through me, his tone full of disgust.
“No, I’m not. I just want to feel good. Don’t you?”
He stands up, like he can’t stand being so close to me. “Dane is dead. We just watched them lower him into the ground and you want me to fuck you? You’ve lost your damn mind.”
“I have.” I stand up, tears falling down my cheeks. “He’s gone forever, and everything feels horrible and bleak. Like nothing will ever be okay again.”
“It won’t.”
“So, I want to feel a little good. Even if it’s just for a few minutes.” I walk closer to him, “Is that so wrong?”
“Yes. It’s wrong. Everything is fucking wrong.” I hate the look on his face, like he wants to crawl under the earth with Dane. I recognize it because I feel it too.
I reach my hand up and brush my palm over his cheek. He hasn’t shaved for a few days and the coarse hair feels rough against my skin. “I just want one minute where I don’t feel like I want to die.”
His gaze jerks to meet my eyes, a fury and sadness there. “It won’t fix a damn thing.”
The fingers of my other hand find the top button on his black shirt. His forehead rests against mine in quiet surrender as I unbutton every one, slowly, my heart thundering in my chest.
We haven’t talked since the day we found Dane. Not really. We’ve been together a lot, but no real words have been spoken. There’s nothing to say. Dane is gone and we went right along with him even if we’re technically still breathing.
I want to see if this will spark anything inside of me. When I unfasten the last button I push his shirt over his shoulders, but it feels almost mechanical. I drag my hand over his taut abs, every dip of muscle and we breathe together in uneven, nervous breaths.
I unbutton his slacks now, lowering the zipper and reaching in. He’s partially hard in my hand and when I stroke him he moves his lips to mine, kissing me deeply.
His hands move to my hips as his move forward with the motion of my hand. “I don’t even have a condom, Shaw. This was the last thing on my mind.”
“I don’t care, Carter. I just want to feel you. Feel something.” He pulls back to look into my eyes looking like I’m insane, and I quickly add, “I’ve been on birth control for a long time. It’s okay.”
He doesn’t argue with me. There doesn’t seem to be any fight left in him. He just moves his lips back to mine, his tongue seeking access that I grant.
I try not to think about the night with all three of us. Of what Dane would say about this. I try my best to clear my head and just drift away into Carter.
Because this is what I always wanted. I wanted him.
My hand slips into his hair, pulling him into me as I stroke his cock, feeling how hard he is for me now. He pulls out of my grip, kissing down my neck and then sliding my panties down and off under my skirt.
When he stands, he cups my face in his large hands, his eyes piercing my own. “Are you sure? This isn’t how I ever pictured this moment.”
“You pictured it?” I barely breathe. I didn’t know that, he had always seemed so hellbent on never crossing this line with me.
He nods, sadly. “Not like this. I’m not…” His voice is pure gravel and ache as his eyes lower. “I’m not me
anymore, Shaw. I’m mad at the fucking world and I never knew how to fuck gentle before, but now…” I know what he’s trying to tell me and I place my hand over his bare chest, feeling his thumping heart.
“It’s okay. I just want to feel you in any way.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Shaw.”
“At least that pain will make sense, Carter.” I hold back tears. “This pain inside of me right now? None of it makes sense.”
His lips crash against mine and he lifts me, his hands on my bare ass as my back hits the wall and he kisses me like the world is ending.
He carries me into my bedroom and pushes the door closed, but he doesn’t put me down on the bed. Instead, his lips find my neck followed by his teeth and then he sucks hard over my pulse.
Like he’s reminding himself that I’m alive. And it makes me feel alive.
He pushes his pants down and I feel his cock, hard and ready for me at my entrance. He doesn’t seem to overthink and I’m grateful as he pushes inside me.
It burns as he stretches me, but the pain feels good. Like there’s a purpose and my nails dig into his bare shoulders pulling a groan from deep inside him.
“Fuck, Shaw. You feel so fucking good.”
I can’t seem to form words so I find the same spot on his neck that he found on mine and mimic his action. When he thrusts forward all the way, leaving him fully seated inside me, I clench around him, my fingernails digging deeper and I sink my teeth into his shoulder.
“Yes,” he gasps. “Hurt me back.”
I notice he’s stilled, and I know I don’t want that. I edge my hips forward, wincing at the pain, but wanting him to move. He takes the hint and pulls back, pushing back into me with more force. I grip his shoulders and suck, nip, and bite his skin, dragging my nails over his back as he thrusts in and out of me, my back slamming against the wall.
I always thought our first time would be tender, probably frustratingly so, but this is better. He removes one hand, holding me up with the other, his hand moving between us to stroke my clit.
I feel the sensation throughout my entire body and my pussy clenches tightly around him, making him moan against my ear, pressing deeper.
“I’m sorry, Shaw.” I have no idea what he’s apologizing for and I can’t form a thought to ask as his fingers, mixed with the sensation of his cock stretching me and hitting so deep inside I swear I’m seeing stars, send me over the edge.
I come around his cock throwing him into his own orgasm, his release bursting inside of me. The mixture of our arousal dripping down my thighs as his body pins me to the wall. He continues to murmur, “I’m sorry,” against my ear, and when he pulls out of me, I feel the emptiness from before.
Because nothing can fix what we’re both feeling.
Shaw kisses down my chest and I close my eyes, trying to let go. Trying not to let the blinding rage I’ve felt since the day Dane died win, but it always does.
We buried him a month ago and I feel the exact same as I did that day.
Even when Shaw lets me bury myself deep inside her, all I see is red and a dark future.
Because I hate everything.
I still can’t believe I took her virginity like that. Up against a fucking wall, still dressed for Dane’s funeral. It was messed up and I knew it, but I didn’t stop it. What she had said made too much damn sense in that moment even if I knew it wouldn’t make us really feel any better. I wanted to believe it could.
I let my fingers on both hands slide through her silky hair and lift her gaze to meet mine. “We just fucked this morning.”
Her bottom lip pokes out and she looks slightly hurt. “That was hours ago.”
She’s fucking insatiable since that first time. I know what she’s doing. Trying to feel anything else. Bury all the bad with a little good, but I know it isn’t going to work.
Dane took us with him when the fucker left. And it’s not fair to be mad at him. I mean, fuck, he was murdered, but I am. I’m so incredibly angry.
It swallows me whole.
“Shaw.” I look down at her, so lost and empty and I fucking hate it. I never thought I would see that look in her eyes. “We don’t have to do this.”
She knows I won’t talk though. I don’t want to talk about Dane. Or anything.
She unfastens my jeans, lowers the zipper and pushes them and my boxer briefs down, freeing my cock as the answer.
I’m hard for her. I always am, but it’s just my body. My mind and hell, even my heart, aren’t here. It all feels mechanical and wrong.
Everything feels wrong.
I can’t keep using her like this, but I can’t push her away fully either. I know she needs me, and Dane would kick my ass if I didn’t at the very least offer some small comfort to her right now.
He would be so much better at this. Making her feel like the world hasn’t ended, because for me, it has.
Her mouth feels good as she takes my cock deep into the back of her throat, making a gagging noise that makes my cock jerk. “Come here, Shaw.” I barely get the words out and she obeys, dragging her naked body up over mine.
I kiss her lips, hoping it can thaw this shell around me, but I’m numb. Not even her lips can seem to break through.
She starts to ride me and it feels good even if my mind is somewhere else. I grasp her hips with my hands, sliding her over my dick. “You’re so fucking perfect.”
I mean it. Her tits bounce with each movement, full and perky with dusty rose colored nipples. Her ass is firm and now in both hands. She tilts her head back, her long hair spilling over her shoulders. Her perfect face twisting in ecstasy every time I hit her deep inside and her pussy grips me tightly.
I should be in heaven right now, but it still feels like hell.
I get in the passenger side of my mom’s car and she starts it, both of us in our horrible diner uniforms and white tennis shoes. It’s mid-April and raining out, but I need to do something before work.
“Mom? Can we make a quick stop?”
She turns to me, concern written on her face. “What is it?”
“I need to go see Dane.” The pain inside hasn’t even begun to reside and I nearly choke on a sob.
She just puts the car in Reverse and backs out of the drive and drives us to the cemetery.
“I’ll be right back,” I tell her and hop out, grabbing the single purple rose from the backseat. When I find Dane’s headstone, I don’t worry about the light rain falling down over me and kneel, placing the flower on the grave with the others.
My knee sinks into the moist ground and I fight tears. God, I miss him. Every single moment of the day.
I take a deep breath, the words in my throat actually causing physical pain. “I miss you. I wish you were here. I’m sorry I couldn’t afford the whole fabulous bouquet all at once, but I’ll get there.” I kiss my hand and place it on the cold headstone saying, “I love you.”
I close my eyes and will myself to stand up off the ground. I turn my back on his grave and walk back to the car, climbing in and clicking my seatbelt into place.
My mom starts to drive toward the diner. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
I know she doesn’t know what to say to me or Carter. I know she feels the great loss too. “I just want him back.”
“I know. I do too. I would give anything to take this pain away from you. Anything.”
I look out the window at the gray sky. At least the outside is fitting for how I feel inside. I’ve learned I kind of hate the sunny days lately.
“Carter is different, mom.” I hate admitting it out loud, but he is. So different. He was always the strong silent type, but now it’s like he’s void of emotion. Eerily so. And I know it’s because he’s in pain, but he doesn’t show it.
He won’t talk about it and I’m not sure I could either if he wanted to. So I just use his body to try to get lost for brief moments, but even then… the way he won’t look at me. He just feels so damn distant, like I can’t reach him even when our
bodies are connected.
“Everyone handles grief differently, sweet girl.” My mom looks so sad as I turn to look at her. “Carter was never one to really be open with his feelings in the first place. I can’t imagine he knows what to do now. All you can do is be there for him.”
“How?” My voice is weak when I look up at my mother, begging for her advice. For any insight into how I can be there for him because it only feels like I’ve made him more distant. Like he can’t stand to look into my eyes because they remind him of Dane.
“Any way you can. He might need space, but not so much that he’s alone. It’s all very delicate, Shaw, and everyone is so different. He’ll come back to you.”
I shake my head sadly, looking out the window again. “I don’t think so mom. I think I’ve lost them both forever.”
That pulls a soft laugh from her as she pulls into the parking spot at the diner she always parks at. “Remember your prom last year?”
I turn my head slowly back to look at her, my eyebrow quirked upward. “Yes…”
I went with Carter and Dane, but I have no idea what brought that up.
She grabs my hand in hers stating, “They were so nervous.”
“What?” I look at her confused because those two were never nervous. Not about anything and definitely not about time with me.
“They were.” She smiles. “They wanted it to be absolutely perfect for you, Shaw. They wanted to spoil you. So they came to me and asked what kind of corsage they should get you.”
“I didn’t know that.”
She laughs. “They didn’t want you to know, but I told them to go for the purple roses. Since purple has always been your favorite color.”
I think about the rose I just put on Dane’s grave. The ones I have weekly since his funeral. All because of the flowers they brought me on prom night.
“They cared that much?”
She pulls me into her arms holding me tight. “Those boys loved you from the first day they met you. And each other. And Carter will come back to you, but it might be extremely rough until that moment, sweetheart.”