by Nicole Dykes
I shake my head emphatically having almost forgotten about that. “Oh, I can’t go. I didn’t even think you would want me to.”
“Why wouldn’t I want you to get an education? I paid for it for that reason.”
I look down at my bare feet sheepishly and then back at his broken up face. “But that was before…”
“You think I would ever punish you for my own stupidity? Never.”
“I um…” I have no idea what to say. I thought me breaking his nose would surely mean he wouldn’t be paying for my education.
“Shaw, don’t punish yourself for something I did. It’s paid for. You have to go.”
I can’t deny the attraction I feel to him and that he seems truly sorry. “I’ll think about that.”
He smiles and his eyes flick to my bottom lip and then back up to my eyes. “If you need anything, and I mean anything at all, call me. I don’t care when it is. Please.”
I nod stupidly and he gives me a small smile, waving before he walks back out to his car, driving away.
That was not at all what I expected.
I walk into the diner and quickly skim, looking for Shaw. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was here. I can’t bring myself to look over at the booth I used to sit with Dane, and smile when I see Shaw serving an older couple their meal.
She looks happy.
Probably happier than she should be considering I slept with her and then ditched her, but I wasn’t lying when I said I needed to check on Dane’s little brothers. Of course, I could have woken her up before I left. I didn’t have to leave as early as I did.
I was fighting some strong guilt when I woke up with her naked body next to mine and I didn’t want her to see it.
She’s laughing at something the older couple says and then walks over to me with a bright smile on her face. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you before you start school.”
She looks down at her tennis shoes and then slowly up at me, part of her hair falling out of her ponytail and covering her eyes before she tucks it behind her ear. “I don’t know if I’m going.”
My brows furrow and I look her in the eyes. “What do you mean?”
Her small shoulders shrug. “I mean I don’t know. I told you Aiden and I broke up. It wouldn’t be right.”
Honestly, I’m surprised that stuck. I thought she would go back to him after whatever stupid fight they had, or he would come and beg for forgiveness. “It’s paid for though, right?”
“By him.”
I study her face, hating that she looks conflicted and that I haven’t been around. “Because he wanted to.”
It kills me that someone else can do all the things for her that I would love to, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her to have them.
“It just isn’t right.”
“It isn’t right letting it go to waste. You’ve always wanted this.”
She sees someone waving her over and turns to go help them, but I’m on her heels. I’m not letting this go.
The woman has three loud kids at the table and looks frazzled as she rattles off an order for Shaw. One of the kids throws his crayon they give kids here to color on a paper menu and I catch it smiling at the kid.
Shaw is helping the overwhelmed mom order and I kneel down to look at the small kid with a pretty decent arm for only being two or three. “Hey. You want this back?”
He nods his little head, little blond curls everywhere. “Yeah. Yeah.”
I hand it to him and point to the paper with tons of scribbles. “I like what you did there.”
He grins and starts to scribble more, when I look up Shaw and the kid’s mom are staring at me, making me shift uncomfortably. Shaw seems to shake off whatever she was thinking and tells the mom she’ll be right back and I follow her.
“Carter, I’m working.”
“You looked happy to see me at first.”
She goes behind the counter filling up drinks. “I am happy to see you, but I can’t believe you think I should take his money.”
“I think you were dating the guy for a while. He cared about you and paid for it. I think you deserve to go to college. You deserve everything, Shaw.” She looks at me over the counter, the drinks sitting there. “Unless there’s something you aren’t telling me?”
She sounded sad the other night, desperate for a connection. “No. There’s nothing.”
I place my hand over hers that’s resting on the counter. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there the next morning… I um…”
She takes her hand away and holds it up. “Don’t. Please don’t say that it shouldn’t have happened or that you regret it. It would kill me.”
My eyes widen. “Never. I don’t regret it, Shaw. I just don’t want you to feel used.”
She smirks at that. “I used you.” I roll my eyes and she laughs saying, “I did. And I knew exactly what it was. I didn’t expect you to be there the next morning.”
For some reason that doesn’t sit right with me. She doesn’t expect me to stick around.
“I should have been there.”
She takes a deep breath and grabs the cups like the expert she is. “No. You shouldn’t have. Carter, I know what it was. I knew what I was asking for and I’m okay with it. You and me…” She looks out the window and then her eyes drag back to mine. “It’s not our time.”
What the hell does that mean?
“Shaw…”
She gives me a wink that drives me insane before she brings the drinks to the table, engaging in more small talk before coming back to me.
I know her well enough to know she isn’t going to spell it out for me so I move on. “You going to school then?”
Now it’s her turn to roll her eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll start fighting. They pay women anywhere near what they pay you brutes?”
I actually laugh at that. “They don’t employ women fighters.”
Thank God, because I have no doubt her crazy ass would be in the ring.
“That’s sexist as fuck.”
I laugh in agreement and she smiles, brushing her hand over my eye that’s starting to heal from the other night. “Although maybe us women should just let you guys stick to getting repeatedly bashed in the head.”
I smirk and shrug, “Not like we use our brains anyway.”
She shakes her head. “I might go.”
My heart squeezes and I’m not sure if I’m happy or jealous of the fucker that paid for it, but I’m still really glad to hear it. “Good. Then you can have your gift.”
She raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Shut up.” I grab the envelope out of my back pocket and hand her the card I spent way too long picking out.
She tears open the envelope and reads the card, scanning it over for way too long and then holds up the Starbucks gift card.
“There’s another thing, but it’s out in my car.”
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“You have a break?”
She nods and follows me out to the car where I hand her the sweatshirt for the college she’s attending. She holds it up to her body with a great big smile on her face.
I’m oddly nervous as I grab the back of my neck, feeling like I owe her an explanation since she isn’t talking. Which is weird for Shaw. “I have no idea how college goes, but I noticed they had a Starbucks on campus and then one really close. So I don’t know. I thought maybe if you were studying or something… you could go there.”
Be a normal college kid.
Her eyes are full of tears and I feel like I fucked up. And I can’t seem to stop talking. “And the sweatshirt…some chick helped me pick it out. She said it’s super soft or some shit. I don’t know. You can take it back, I have the receipt.”
Her arms lock around my neck and her lips press a kiss to my throat. “I love it. All of it. The card, the coffee, the sweatshirt. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to.” I hold on
to her, not wanting to let her go. Thinking of what Dane would have done for her the day before she started college and I’m sure this doesn’t come even close, but she seems happy.
She pulls back, her hands on my shoulders and tears in her eyes. “This is very sweet. Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.”
She shakes her head and brushes a tear away. “It’s everything, Carter.”
“Just… go to school. Do what you were meant to.”
She looks down at the sweatshirt and smiles. “Okay. I will. For a semester anyway.”
I will find a way for her to go for as long as she wants or needs to, but I don’t tell her that. And I still don’t think that Aiden guy is out of the picture anyway.
“It’s a start.”
She smiles at that, nodding her head and hugging me again. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
We talk for a bit and then she has to get back to work. I have a fight tonight, which she knows about, but I promise to call and have her tell me all about her first day of college.
And I really can’t wait to hear about it.
It’s been three weeks since I started school and every day it’s like I’m waiting for something to happen. Something to ruin this because I’ve never felt more in my element.
I love going to the large lecture classes, and I love sitting in the small classes and participating in the discussions. I even like doing the homework.
It hasn’t been a problem fitting in school with forty hours a week at the diner and I feel like I’m thriving.
Aiden has given me space and the only exception was a full bouquet of lilies delivered to my mom’s house on my first day of school. It was nice and I sent him a thank you text. Carter called me that evening and I filled him in on all things college.
His gift was so thoughtful and even now as I sit in Starbucks, sipping my coffee and reading my required reading from my Sociology textbook, it makes me smile. He has no idea how much it meant to me, and in fact looked at me like I was insane.
I go back and forth from wondering what Dane would think about me going to school and trying not to think about him because it hurts too bad. But not thinking about him makes me feel guilty and causes just as much pain.
I look at my phone and know I need leave to catch the bus downtown so I can walk the three blocks to work so I’m not late. I look around at all the college students, carefree and hanging out in their groups.
All so causal with only one job: being a student.
Still, I’m so grateful for the opportunity I have just to be here. I grab my books and coffee, walking to the bus stop. I have a full course load and two papers due this week, but I feel calm.
I use the bus ride to finish my reading and take notes for the paper I plan to write after my shift tonight. Climbing off the bus, I find a trashcan and toss my coffee cup before walking toward the diner with a light, happy feeling I haven’t felt in a long time.
When I reach the diner, I greet my boss with a smile and quickly change into my uniform before starting my shift. I’m happy to see my mom, but wish she didn’t look so tired and pale.
She wraps her arms around me. “Well hello, baby girl. How was college?”
“So much fun, mom. I had a great day.” I’m beaming and it makes her smile as she releases me.
“That’s wonderful.”
Her skin is white and her eyes look sunken in, and I can’t help the worry deep in my gut. “Are you okay? How long have you been here?”
She waves me off, collecting dishes. She was at home when I left this morning and I thought she only had the afternoon shift, but she looks worn out. “Shelly had an appointment, so I came in around ten this morning. I shouldn’t have skipped lunch.”
She seems short of breath and something just seems off. “Maybe you should take a break.”
Again she tries to wave me off, but before I can argue she collapses to the floor.
“Mom!” I kneel down and shout for someone to call an ambulance. I pick her head up, but her eyes are closed. “Mom? Please.” I lean down, putting my ear to her mouth and can hear her shallow breaths, but she’s unconscious.
“Shaw, they’re on their way.” I hear my boss say the words, but I feel like I’m floating above everyone else. My hands are clammy and I just keep thinking that I cannot lose her too.
The ambulance arrives and I ride with her to the hospital, my heart in my throat the entire time. When we get there, my mom is whisked away and I can’t get anyone to tell me a damn thing.
I feel alone and hopeless, dragging my phone out of my uniform pocket, I dial Carter. He doesn’t answer and I call again, leaving a voicemail at the tone as instructed when he doesn’t answer again. “Carter… it’s me.” I try not to sob. “My mom…she collapsed at the diner. We’re at the hospital. Please come. I need you.” I tell him which hospital and that I’m scared before hanging up. Then I go to the nurses’ station trying for an update again.
They are kind but have no information and I sit in the chair again, looking at my phone. Begging for it to ring.
It’s only six in the evening, so I doubt he’s in a fight, but maybe preparing for one. Or maybe he’s started working for them in other ways.
The dark thought makes me sick and I try him again.
No answer.
I’m scared and alone. Lost. I dial Aiden, who picks up on the second ring. “Shaw? Are you okay?”
A sob catches in my throat. “My mom collapsed. We’re at the hospital and no one will tell me anything.”
“Oh, Shaw, I’m so sorry. Which hospital?”
I tell him, choking back tears.
“I’ll be right there. It will be okay.”
I hang up, tears streaming down my face thinking about the way her body crinkled to the ground and how helpless I was.
It’s not long before Aiden rushes through the sliding doors of the hospital, walking straight to me and enveloping me in his strong arms. He feels warm and smells good as I cling to him. He pulls back enough to look at my face. “Did they tell you anything yet?”
I shake my head from side to side answering, “No. Nothing. No one will talk to me.”
He tugs me closer and I have to admit, I feel safe in his arms. “I know the chief of medicine here. I’ll see if I can find him.”
I look up at him, tears sliding down my face and dressed in my uniform, I look like a hot mess. But he looks down into my eyes adoringly, giving my body a tight squeeze before leading me to a chair.
“I’ll be right back.”
I nod my head slowly and take a seat as he takes off down the hall like he knows exactly where he’s going. Aiden definitely has a confident sense of purpose in his stride.
Not many minutes pass before he comes back with an older man in a white coat, who approaches me with a kind smile. “Shaw?”
I nod my head as I stand and they reach me. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Doctor Cavanaugh, Chief of Medicine here. I’m sorry to hear about your mother.”
I sniff and wipe at my eyes. “Is she okay?”
His face is grim and I feel like I might vomit. “We are still running tests and working to get her stable, but it seems your mother has advanced stage COPD. We don’t know for certain yet, but it appears to be stage four.”
My legs give out and I’m glad the chair is right behind me to catch me. “What? She’s forty-two.”
Again his appearance resembles the grim reaper and it’s terrifying. “It’s unusual for it to be this advanced at this age, but not completely unheard of. Unfortunately, I would say it’s been left untreated for quite some time.”
I shake my head, closing my eyes as tears stream down my face and the words stick in my throat. I knew I should have made her get checked out and I didn’t. I look up at both men, “Can you help her?”
He and Aiden share a look and then Aiden takes a seat next to me. “She’s going to get the best care possible.”
I turn to him, knowin
g exactly what that means and shake my head. “I cannot ask you to pay for her medical bills.”
And I can’t afford shit.
“You didn’t ask.” He turns to Dr. Cavanaugh. “I will be taking care of the bill.”
The doctor nods, not arguing. “There are some things we can do and we will get the specialist here on it, but you have to know that COPD doesn’t have a cure. We can only prolong the inevitable.”
The inevitable.
Death.
I sob and Aiden pulls me into his arms, letting me cry. I hear his voice as he addresses the doctor. Saying things about the next steps and billing, but my mind is on the fact that I’m going to lose my mom.
The doctor leaves and Aiden gathers my face in his hands pulling my gaze to his. “It’s going to be okay, Shaw.” He seems certain. “We will find her the best treatment. I’ll hire her a nurse.”
I shake my head. “You can’t do that. We aren’t even….” I swallow the word together, but he knows.
“I like your mom and I care about you. I messed everything up between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care.”
“I can’t ask this of you.”
“You aren’t.” His thumb sweeps across my cheek, spreading through the wetness of my tears. “I want to do this. I will do this. Hell, you and your mom can move in with me. I’ll hire a nurse.”
I shake my head vehemently now. “No. I can’t do that. I won’t…”
He stops me. “Okay. You stay put, but I’m here. I’m going to help.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t turn him away, I need his help. Desperately. And he seems to want to give it to me. No strings attached for whatever reason.
I can’t let her die.
I’m surprised when I hear the doors open and I leap up when I see it’s Carter. He pulls me into his arms and I weep, so thankful he’s here. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know. It’s bad, Carter.” I sob into his chest. I feel him stiffen and I hear Aiden behind me.
I look up and see the glare on Carter’s face. “What is he doing here?”