"OH SAUTÉED ONIONS," exclaimed Jimmy McOnions.
He tried to live a normal life after the incident but could not bear all the people looking at his onion appearance and calling him Onion Bunion. He couldn’t understand this as his feet were fine and he had no bunions to speak of. Mainly as he couldn’t find any shoes to fit him as his feet were onion shaped. He locked himself in his garage to try and reverse the damage, but all he did was grow to hate all those who made his life miserable. Revenge was his only master now.
Mr. Wobbles the cat had long been dealt with. He was thrown in The Machine that merges two things together with a meringue and was not called Catamaran. No, he renamed him Bob, clearly missing a trick on that one, as he still wasn’t any good at naming things. He did manage to name himself Onionman, but only after an argument with an irritating onion.
"What does the O stand for on your evil suit?" asked an irritating onion.
"It stands for ONION MAN you irritating fool!"
"Shouldn’t that be OM? Or perhaps you should just be called Onion," said the onion, clearly dicing with his onions.
"No. Does Superman have SM on his lovely red and blue suit?"
"No, but Superman is all one word," replied the onion with no fear.
"Okay, okay, the O stands for Onionman. Happy now?"
"Yes," replied the cheeky onion.
But he was cheeky no longer, as Onionman sliced him thinly and made a Cheese and Onion quiche. The recipe read;
Take one cheeky little onion and slice him thinly.
Add some eggs and other stuff, and bake him in the oven for twenty minutes.
Which is exactly what Onionman did.
Boozashka.
Which was the name of the dish rather than a cheap attempt at making up a catchphrase.
14. Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder meet Onionman for the first time in the chapter with the extremely long title (Part 1)
Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder finally arrived at the only oversized onion on Arlington Road.
"If we took a taxi we would have reached here an hour ago," remarked Captain Chunder.
"Yes, but I think you’ll find the large SUPERHERO MOBILE sticker worked a treat," said Sergeant Smelly.
"It was an evil ONION MOBILE that had a top speed of 30 mph, which does not look good on the motorway. It was not a SUPERHERO MOBILE and nobody was fooled by the large sticker. Where did you get it anyway?" asked Captain Chunder getting annoyed at Sergeant Smelly again.
"I found it in this bag that has Continuation written on it. Is that a Sports company?" continued Sergeant Smelly.
"I believe so, and if anyone saw us they wouldn’t think we were superheroes. They would think we were going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Onion car. Have you ever been to a fancy dress party and seen anyone dressed as an Onion car, Sergeant Smelly. No you haven’t, because Onion cars don’t exist. Not in the wildest of imaginations. Not even in a ridiculous children’s book about evil onions!" continued Captain Chunder.
"I did go to a fancy dress party once. I went with my sister-in-law, Michelle. I tried to say she wasn’t my sister-in-law, but she said it was the law that I was her sister-in-law."
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" said someone at the party.
Sergeant Smelly answered, "I am a Tortoise and this is Michelle."
"But you don’t look like a tortoise," replied the person who was in fancy dress.
"And what are you supposed to be. You are dressed as a cat with a meringue on your head," enquired Sergeant Smelly.
"I’m a Catamaran," replied the cat with the meringue on its head.
"Oh don’t be ridiculous. You think you can get away with pretending to be a type of boat by sticking a meringue on your head. And you don’t get the humour of me being a tortoise with a girl called Michelle on my back," replied Sergeant Smelly.
"Well, my name is built of me being a cat with a meringue on my head. You are just saying you are a tortoise because you have a girl called Michelle on your back, which does not make sense!" replied the Catamaran.
"Okay, I’m a snail, that’s Michelle, or, I’m a snail, that’s me shell. Do you understand it better when I put it that way, you stupid Catamaran?"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…I understand now. That is brilliant," said the Catamaran.
"What is your name by the way?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"I used to be known by the name Mr. Wobbles," replied ex Mr. Wobbles. "But that was when I was merely a cat, rather than a cat merged with a cake. I’m now called Bob," said Bob who was wearing a T-Shirt that said Always be yourself, unless you are going to a fancy dress party. Then always be someone else.
"Okay Sergeant Smelly, enough already. I don’t want to hear another word about fancy dress parties. Let's go kick some onion butt, if indeed, these onions have any butts," shouted Captain Chunder as they fell out of the ONION MOBILE awkwardly and ran towards the oversized onion. They searched for an entrance but there was none to be seen. They turned their attention to Onion 321, thinking they had been tricked. They were proved right when they saw him driving off in the ONION MOBILE shouting, "Ha Ha, I tricked you by telling you the wrong location."
Unfortunately Onion 321 forgot that the ONION MOBILE was as slow as a snail with diarrhoea, but not as messy, and Captain Chunder soon caught up with him.
"Alright, alright," shouted Onion 321, "it is the correct location, you just have to say the magic words and the oversized Onion doors will appear and open."
"And what are the magic words?" asked Captain Chunder.
"Embarrassingly, the magic words are OPEN SESAME SEEDS," said the onion sheepishly, which is a difficult thing to do for an onion, I mean how many onions do you know that act like sheep.
"Sergeant Smelly, you say the magic words and I’ll stay with the ridiculously named Onion 321."
Sergeant Smelly raised his arms in the air and exclaimed,
"OPEN THE ONION SESAME DOORS!"
Nothing happened.
Not surprisingly either, as he said the wrong words.
"Try again Sergeant Smelly," said Captain Chunder.
"OPEN THE ONION SESAME DOORS!"
Nothing happened.
Not surprisingly either as Sergeant Smelly repeated the wrong words.
"Try again Sergeant Smelly," said Captain Chunder, "but this time say, OPEN SESAME SEEDS!"
But before Sergeant Smelly could try again, the onion doors appeared and opened due to Captain Chunder repeating the magic words perfectly.
And they met Onionman for the first time. Or they would have, were it not for the surveillance cameras outside his cave that alerted him to any superheroes advancing on his evil not-so-secret lair. They did, however, meet a six foot cardboard cut-out of Onionman which had a ‘Press Me’ button, usually found on toys that grown-ups always pressed one too many times and embarrassed their children in Toy shops. Sergeant Smelly pressed the button to hear a recording of Onionman saying, "FAIL MUCH" rather mockingly. He pressed the button eleven more times, which was one more time than he should have.
"OH ROASTED CARDBOARD CUT-OUT ONIONS!" yelled Sergeant Smelly.
15. Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder meet Onionman for the 1st time in the chapter with the extremely long title (Part 2)
Onionman did not like the look of Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder and he fled the cave using the secret back entrance. He wasn’t completely stupid.
The next part of the plan was to be Prime Minister of Great Britain, and to achieve that, he would have to conquer London. Onionman and his army of onions marched off to the capital.
The current Prime Minister heard the news of Onionman’s evil misery and a thousand soldiers were out in force to destroy Onionman and his evil hench-onions. They marched to within a mile of 10 Downing Street where the army were waiting. Ten helicopters circled overhead, waiting to unleash their bombs, along with ten tanks waiting to blow them up into a million onion pieces. Hundreds of soldiers
lined the streets waiting to destroy the onions.
It was a major catastrophe waiting to happen.
Major Catastrophe stood waiting on Onionman and his onion hordes advancing, hopeful of avoiding a major catastrophe. Waiting until the onions were the right distance away before he gave the order to fire.
"Wait just a little bit longer soldiers. A few seconds more. Wait for it, wait for it.
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…"
But for some strange reason Major Catastrophe didn’t reach 2.
Or even 1.
He wasn’t able to give the order.
Onionman had got too close.
"I can’t take it anymore," bawled Major Catastrophe with the tears streaming down his face. "I can’t handle the pressure of this job, having to order all these men about and having a ridiculous name like Major Catastrophe. Every time there is a major catastrophe I’m always involved somehow. I’m going home to bed to cry."
And he went home to bed and cried for hours, not caring what happened to Prime Minister Gordon Frownes. The soldiers put their weapons down, hugged each other and discussed how they hated shooting things. Especially onions. And they too went off to bed to cry.
Onionman’s plan of despair and woe was working a treat and they advanced to fifty metres from 10 Downing Street. He laughed an evil Onion laugh, "UN YAN YAN YAN YAN!"
All the onions joined in, "Un yan yan yan yan!", but they had to say it using small letters to boost Onionman’s ego, which it did.
"FIRST, I WILL RULE GREAT BRITAIN AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD. UN YAN YAN YAN YAN!" he laughed evilly again.
"NOT SO FAT," shouted Sergeant Smelly.
"WHAT?" replied Onionman.
An onion whispered something in Onionman’s ear.
"I MEAN…PARDON!"
Captain Chunder whispered something in Sergeant Smelly’s ear.
"I MEAN…NOT SO FAST!"
And Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder finally met Onionman for the first time as suggested in the title of the last two chapters.
"UN YAN YAN YAN YAN!" laughed Onionman evilly again. "You really don’t think you puny little nobodies can defeat ME, the great Onionman. You aren’t even real superheroes. You had to use one of my ONION MOBILES, as you don’t have a SUPERHERO MOBILE. How tragically sad, however you did look tragically hip in my ONION MOBILE."
All the onions laughed along with Onionman.
"Quickly Sergeant Smelly. Turn around," whispered Captain Chunder.
Sergeant Smelly was poised to let a rocket ripper fly from his bottom when four onions appeared from nowhere and ran around him. They stuck sticky tape all around his bottom so he could not produce any monster farts that would set them on fire. Another four onions grabbed Captain Chunder and took away his knife, so he couldn’t chop them and make garlic and onion bread out of them.
Two onions took control of a helicopter and airlifted Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder with a giant amusement arcade claw. The Onions made several frustrating attempts before they successfully managed to lift them into the air. Onionman was free to continue with his world domination.
16. Prime Minister Onionman
Onionman was unchallenged when he entered the Prime Minister’s office, as Prime Minister Gordon Frownes went home to cry about how bad the economy was.
"Why did the banks have to ruin everything when I was Prime Minister? Couldn’t Onionman have waited until the next Prime Minister came along? It’s not fair," whined Gordon Frownes.
He pronounced himself Prime Minister Onionman and set up a camera crew to film his first evil villain message to Great Britain.
"Good evening lesser beings. I am your new leader. I am Prime Minister Onionman and you will bow down to me when you see me and say Hail Prime Minister Onionman, oh great one. I have created some new rules which can be found at the website www.prime-minister-onionman.com."
The new rules were as follows;
1.Recipes involving onions will be banned. Anyone caught using onions will have their hands replaced with bananas so they won’t be able to cook ever again. (Unless they cook barbecued Bananas, in which case they won’t have anything for hands and will only be able to do this once.)
2.People caught mocking anyone who is of onion shape will have their tongues replaced with liquorice strings, so they won’t be able to speak properly and will always have a horrible liquorice taste in their mouth.
Onion 485 whispered in Prime Minister Onionman’s ear.
"Oh, and if anyone likes liquorice, it will be replaced with something else equally disgusting, not that there is anything as disgusting as liquorice," continued Prime Minister Onionman.
"What about ear wax?" said Onion 496.
"Excellent Onion 496. Their tongues shall be replaced with a tongue made of ear wax. Eugh! I'm shuddering at the mere thought of that one Onion 496. Well done."
3.All onions will be allowed into any cinemas free of charge and will be given food and drinks free.
4.Err…that’s it.
"I may make up more rules shortly but you all will obey these rules immediately."
And the short speech was broadcast all over the country and the people of Britain were extremely miserable. Mainly because of the Onion Flu, as it was now getting called, but partly due to the fact they wouldn’t be able to eat onions any more.
17. Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder at the evil not-so-secret lair
The claw from the helicopter dropped Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder into the back of the ONION MOBILE and they were transported back to the evil not-so-secret lair. The onions tied the superheroes to chairs and tied the chairs back to back and locked them in a small room known as The Room that holds the prisoners. Remember, of course, Onionman was dreadful at naming things.
One onion sentry kept watch over the prisoners, but a plan was brewing in Captain Chunder's head.
"Sergeant Smelly, I have a plan!" whispered Captain Chunder.
"What is it?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"A plan? It is a proposed course of action. I think you should talk to the guard and bore him senseless, which will send him to sleep," replied Captain Chunder.
"Okay, I’ll…hang on a minute. That’s not nice. Are you suggesting I’m boring?" said Sergeant Smelly taking the huff.
"No, I’m merely…okay, yes. Yes I am. Now get to work Smelly you boring fart."
"Okay, but it won’t work. If anything it will make him more alert, as I am so interesting," replied Sergeant Smelly.
Three minutes later the guard was sound asleep.
"Well done Sergeant Smelly. I told you it would work," said Captain Chunder praising his boring work. Sergeant Smelly was happy the guard was asleep but disappointed he was seen as boring. So boring, he could send an onion to sleep in three minutes flat. An idea popped into his head.
"You do realise I’m not actually boring, but sending that onion to sleep is one of my superpowers," said Sergeant Smelly hoping to convince Captain Chunder he wasn’t boring.
"Whatever Smelly. I'll add boredom to your list of superpowers. Now we need your other superpower to get us out of these chairs. I need you to do one of your special fire-farts and burn the ropes around my arms so we can escape!"
"But I don’t think I have any fart juice left. It’s been a while since I last ate an onion tart," said Sergeant Smelly.
"Worry ye not Sergeant Smelly for I have a spare onion tart in my pocket. Reach around to my pocket and verily feast on its onion delights," said Captain Chunder medievally as if speaking medievally was funny and superheroic.
"Excellent," replied Sergeant Smelly. "Just one thing though. Why are you speaking with a medieval accent?"
"You mean you don’t find me speaking medievally funny? But that’s what superheroes do when they have a cunning plan. Shut up and eat the tart Sergeant Smelly."
Sergeant Smelly struggled to get the tart out of Captain Chunder’s pocket but he was never going to give up when there was food involved
. Especially an onion tart. He took the tart in his hands and threw it up in the air and swallowed it whole in one foul swoop. The noise of Sergeant Smelly chomping down on the onion tart alerted the onion sentry.
"Quickly Sergeant Smelly. Hurry up and let one go. The guard is waking up."
"I’m trying. It just won’t work. Oh wait, hang on a minute. Ahh…here it comes."
The onion sentry was on his feet by this time, looking a bit groggy.
"What are you two up to? I hope you aren’t trying to escape."
But he was too late. Sergeant Smelly let go a silent but deadly fart and the onion sentry fainted from the deathly smell.
"Well done Smelly. Now quickly…"
But before he could finish his sentence, Sergeant Smelly produced a fire-fart from his butt and set Captain Chunder's chair on fire. And they escaped the evil secret lair with superheroic ease and slightly burnt clothes.
"Right, let’s return to Prime Minister Onionman’s office and give him what he deserves."
"Shouldn’t we go back to the café and feed me some farting food before we attempt to defeat the nefarious Prime Minister Onionman," replied Sergeant Smelly.
"Usually I would say no. But that may well be a good idea. We may need some more of your superpowered stinkers before the day is out."
And off they went back to the café. Sergeant Smelly was a happy man.
18. Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder meet Onionman for the 2nd time in another chapter with an extremely long title
Prime Minister Onionman continued spreading despair and woe throughout Great Britain with his evil onion antics. Onion troops marched from city to city making everyone cry and be depressed. Apart from the people who were already depressed. It had the opposite effect on them. It was negatively positive for them and they were now singing and dancing in the streets. Some of them even joined Prime Minister Onionman and his band of evil onions, as they did not want to go back to how it was before.
Sergeant Smelly And Captain Chunder Save The Day Page 4