by Bay, Louise
A hard mixture of pain, guilt, loss and love lodged at the bottom of my throat. Had I been trying to avoid a future that was never my destiny? Had I already proven I was not my father?
Had I given up Darcy for nothing?
“Well, it’s too late now. I don’t want to make promises that I don’t know if I can keep. The decision has been made.”
My grandmother flung her car door open. “Then unmake it.”
I scrambled out and around the boot to help her, but she slapped my hands away. “I’m perfectly capable. You’ve never let me down. You’re loyal and honest and hardworking. That’s the man you are. You seem to think that you don’t make promises and commitments all the time. You do to me and in business. Why are you singling Darcy out?”
“I can’t possibly have a wife and family without making mistakes, breaking commitments and letting people down.”
“And as I said, if she loves you and you get it wrong, then she’ll forgive you.”
Could that be true? Could I allow myself to make mistakes in front of Darcy and have her forgive me them?
“Just like,” my grandmother continued, “when she makes mistakes, you will forgive her. Because you love her.” My grandmother turned to look at me. “And don’t you dare deny it.”
The evidence was there. The way I didn’t notice other women when we were together, the fact that even now I couldn’t follow through with another woman, the way I hated the fact that Darcy was so far away.
I loved Darcy Westbury…and I had no idea what to do about it.
“Make it right,” my grandmother whispered. “Don’t let this be the mistake that you regret for the rest of your life.”
She patted me on the chest and headed to the kitchen, leaving me a different man from the one who had left the house just an hour before. She’d questioned my entire personal philosophy. But one thing was clear to me—I couldn’t bear the thought of not loving Darcy Westbury for the rest of my life.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Logan
Determined to “make things right” with Darcy, I was three thousand miles away from Woolton and parked outside Ryder and Scarlett Westbury’s Connecticut home. Darcy was the woman I wanted, and an ocean wasn’t going to keep me away from her.
I couldn’t rule out the possibility that she’d refuse to speak to me and I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I had been callous and unfeeling and, worst of all, in denial about how important our relationship was to me.
I turned off the engine and stepped out of the car, carrying the documents I’d brought with me. The sky was strangely cloudless, and only the breeze kept the heat from being overwhelming. Children’s shrieks and laughs snaked out of the house. I hadn’t seen Darcy with her nieces and nephews, but I imagine they adored her. I knocked on the door and took a deep breath.
The look on Scarlett’s face as she swung open the door started off as welcoming and dissolved into awkward reserve. “Logan. What are you…”
“I was hoping to have a few words with Darcy, if she’s here?”
Scarlett frowned and glanced over her shoulder. “She’s here, but I’m not sure…”
“I understand she doesn’t want to see me, but could you just tell her that I’m here?”
Scarlett nodded and I watched at the doorway as she went to find Darcy.
My heart lifted in my chest as soon as I heard her voice. “I fixed it,” she announced, holding something the air, then froze when Scarlett whispered something.
Darcy glanced over at me and then quickly turned away. It was like a knife to my heart.
Was seeing me so painful? Should I not have come? I’d spent all these years avoiding caring about someone, and I didn’t know what to do now that I did. My grandmother had said I’d inevitably let Darcy down. That was what people did, but that love allowed them to forgive. But perhaps it was too late for Darcy and me. Perhaps I’d hurt her too badly.
I could do nothing but stand and wait, wondering whether or not I should have given Darcy more time. I’d wanted to tell her how I felt as soon as possible, but perhaps I’d been selfish.
After a few more exchanges, Scarlett pulled Darcy into a hug, then let her go to negotiate with one of the children while Darcy headed toward me, her head bowed.
I steadied my breathing. Darcy could close the door in my face or refuse to speak to me, but I wasn’t going to give up without a fight.
The closer she got, the less I could understand how I’d ever let her go. She was beautiful in England or America, in jeans or a cocktail dress, covered in mud or five minutes after waking.
“Hey,” I said as she stood opposite me. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“They have phones in the United States, you know.”
I couldn’t help but smile. She never wasted an opportunity to put me right. “Some things are better explained in person.”
“I don’t need to hear any more explanations.”
I nodded. “I understand. I’m not here to justify what I did, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I owe you the truth.”
“Have you been lying to me?”
“More to myself, I think.” I’d been trying for too long to deny my love for Darcy. “I’d just like a chance to explain.”
“Logan, I’m tired. I’m done. There’s no point in rehashing things.”
“Please, Darcy, just five minutes. And if you don’t like what you hear, I’ll disappear out of your life forever.”
Her shoulders dropped as if in defeat as she stepped aside and invited me in. “Let’s go to the back of the house. We can walk down to the river.”
Just the thought that I would be with her for the next few minutes renewed my determination to win her back. I couldn’t let her go. I had to find a way back to her.
Being so close but unable to feel the heat of her body or soothe her pain was harder than I’d expected, but still easier than not being near her at all.
She kept her gaze fixed firmly on the horizon as we headed down to the garden. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. It was as if I hadn’t had water for weeks and was being given a chance to drink. I wanted to take in as much as I could.
“It’s good to see you,” I said.
“Why are you here, Logan?”
“To explain. To apologize.” I didn’t know where to start. “I’ve thought of nothing but you since our last conversation, and I’ve had a number of realizations that I need to share. I hope it will go some way to explaining my stupidity, my selfishness and my complete lack of understanding of myself and how I felt about you.”
Darcy paused. “I don’t need any kind of explanation from you—I accept your decision and I’m trying to move on.”
I closed my eyes to block out the thought that she might be over me. “But that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t want you to move on. I’m in love with you and I want us to be together.”
She stayed silent, her face full of confusion.
“I’m so sorry, Darcy. I was scared of the feelings I had, of the feelings you had for me. So, like a coward, I ran, I retreated. I went back to what I knew best.” I took a long, deep breath. “My grandmother helped me see what I’d done.”
“You talked to her about us?” Darcy glanced up, and it took everything I had not to sweep the escaped lock of hair back behind her ear.
“Yes. She’s the wisest woman I know and she set me straight. She made me understand how loving you wasn’t something to run from.”
Sadness flickered across Darcy’s face and she turned away from me, hiding her pain. But I deserved to see it. After all, I’d caused it. She crossed her arms and jutted her chin up, trying to regain her composure.
“I’ve always been so determined not to be my father that I’ve shut myself off from a lot of things. From you. I’ve been so focused on not making promises I can’t keep and avoiding destroying everything around me that I haven’t realized the damage I’ve done. What my father did affected me so fundamentally, I didn’t
fully understand. He scarred me forever and the easiest way to ensure I never inflicted the hurt he did, never let anyone down, was to make sure I loved as few people as possible and that no one loved me.”
“Let’s walk,” Darcy said, hugging herself tightly as we made our way toward the river.
“I never expected what happened between us—it crept up on me. You burst into my life and from the moment I met you, I knew you were different, special. I just didn’t realize what a profound effect you’d have on me. I wasn’t prepared. I’d been living in a safe, cloistered world, trying to avoid anything that would suggest I was in any way related to my father. I was so focused on my past I completely missed my future when she arrived. And so I ran. From you, from how I felt about you, from the fear of disappointing you. Is this making any sense?”
“I guess. And I’m sorry for you, Logan. I knew your father’s actions still haunted you, and I understand that you didn’t want to repeat his mistakes.”
My heart swelled. Beautiful, understanding, incredible Darcy. Of course she’d find it in her heart to see my point of view. It was more than I deserved. Encouraged, I reached for her, stroking my fingers over her cheek, but she stepped back and my hand fell away. She understood, maybe even forgave me, but she also bore the scars that I’d given her. And for that I only had myself to blame. “I’m so sorry.”
“I believe you.”
“Darcy,” I whispered. “I want you. I want you to come back to me. I want you forever.”
She pushed her hands into the pockets of her skirt and shook her head. It was as if a hand had slipped inside my chest and was squeezing my heart tighter and tighter. I couldn’t have lost her. Please God, I needed to be able to make this right. I couldn’t have found the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with only to have messed things up.
“I know this must be a shock. And I know you must hate me right now—”
“I don’t hate you, but that doesn’t mean what happened is okay. What you said makes sense, but it doesn’t take away the pain. You have your ghosts, and I have mine. You left me when things got too much for you. I’ve had too much of that in my life, and I can’t risk that happening again. I have to protect myself, Logan.”
Of course she’d be cautious. It wasn’t that I expected anything different. She wouldn’t be my Darcy if she just capitulated. She was no pushover. “I understand. But do you think that in time you would be able to forgive me?”
“They say time heals all wounds and I’m sure that includes this one. But I can’t go back. Being left by you. It brought back so much. It was too painful. It’s still too painful.”
“Just tell me what I can do. I’ll give up Manor House Club. I’ll get rid of the helicopter. How can I prove to you I’m serious?” I’d almost forgotten the folder I was carrying. “And this. I wanted to give you something.” I offered her the buff-colored file.
“I don’t need things from you, Logan.”
“Then what? Anything. Tell me and I will give you anything within my power.”
“All I wanted was for you to love me. And I understand why you can’t. But you have to let me get on with my life.”
“But I do. I love you so much it hurts to be away from you.”
“Until the next time you struggle, push me away and leave. What happens if I actually got pregnant? I want to be with someone who will share my joy in that moment, not tell me he’s in too deep and abandon me and our children.”
I didn’t know how to prove something in the future. How could I explain that I was on a one-way street and I could never not love her now?
I was out of ammo. “I’ll always love you, Darcy. I’ve never been so certain about anything.”
She worried her bottom lip, but didn’t look up.
“I mean it, I love you. And just a few weeks ago you told me you loved me. Isn't that worth fighting for?”
“Maybe you love me in your way, but it’s just not enough. What happens the next time you get spooked? What happens when you catch a glimpse of the life you had before me, or another woman catches your eye?”
“It won’t happen. I love you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t live with the uncertainty. I can’t worry that you’re going to turn around and leave me.”
“Then I’ll just have to prove to you that I’m going nowhere. I can’t give up, Darcy. There’s no one else for me. I want to marry you. Have kids with you. Write in the sky above Woolton Hall how much I love you.”
“Please stop.” She scrubbed her face with her hands. “I’ve been independent my entire life. And I’d come to expect things of you. And when you left, I’d never felt so vulnerable. So alone. That feeling brought back every bad memory I ever had. And I can’t live worrying that I’ll feel that again. Please, Logan. You need to go.”
“Just one more thing,” I said, holding out the file I was holding. “This is for you.”
“I told you that I don’t want things from you.”
“I know, but I want you to have this. Whatever happens between you and me, you should have it.”
Reluctantly she took the file and opened it, flicking through the papers inside. “I don’t understand. What is this?”
“I’ve transferred some of Badsley’s land to you. Not to Woolton, but to you.”
She kept turning the page, back and forward. “But why?”
“It’s just a piece of land from the edge of the estate. From your favorite spot in Woolton where we first met, down to the river where you used to play with Ryder.”
She turned away from me. “I can’t take this,” she said over her shoulder.
I stepped closer to her. She didn’t want me to see her upset, and the last thing I wanted to do was to make her cry, but she deserved this. “You’re not taking anything. I’m giving this to you willingly. Now you can be assured that whatever happens, those special places will be preserved. I’m not asking for anything in return. I just want you to understand that I care about you, and whether or not you love me, I will do anything to make you happy.”
Because I was an impatient, selfish man, I wanted to have won her over, to have changed her mind. But her silence told me I’d done neither. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have come today. I just wanted you to know how I felt.”
“No. I’m pleased you did. I’m sorry, I just wish I could forget—”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the idiot. I’m the one who fucked this up. This is all me.” Ending things with Darcy had been the worst decision I’d ever made. And I hated myself for it. “But I will put things right. I will prove to you that I won’t get spooked again. I can’t just give up on you. On us.”
“Logan…” Darcy exhaled a shaky breath.
“I should go.” I just needed one touch to keep me going. I kissed the top of her head. “I love you. Please don’t be sad. I’m going to make this right.” And I walked away from the only woman I’d ever loved. But I wasn’t giving up on her.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Darcy
How had I let myself be talked into speed dating? I just wanted to be left alone at Woolton Hall, to bury myself in the estate and all its comings and goings. To get back to life before Logan.
Aurora…she’d had other ideas, which is why I’d just explained for the fourth time this evening where Woolton Village was to a complete stranger.
True to his word, Logan hadn’t given up. I’d heard from him every day. First in Connecticut. And then he must have known I’d come home about ten days ago, because each day since, I’d received a card or flowers or handwritten notes about his day and how he missed me. I also hadn’t heard the helicopter since I’d come back from Connecticut.
I was still trying to move on, but I wasn’t sure speed dating was my thing.
In front of me, the man in the white pleather jumpsuit shifted uncomfortably. “Sorry, it just gets a little uncomfortable. I don’t think I used enough baby powder. But you’re the hottest thing in this room.�
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I tried to keep the smile on my face steady. “Thank you.” The bell rang. Hallelujah.
“Just to let you know, you’re going down on my sheet as ‘hell-yeah’,” he said with a wink.
“Good to meet you, Elvis.” He wasn’t going on my sheet at all. The next guy couldn’t be worse, surely.
“I’m Andrew.” A tall blond man stood in front of me, holding out his hand. Given he was wearing trousers and a shirt rather than fancy dress, it was a better start. “How old are you?” Okay, so maybe he’d skipped charm school. “I’m into older women.”
“May I ask you the same question, Andrew?” I wasn’t about to admit to this guy I was older than him, even if I was.
“Twenty-two. I reckon you’re twenty-nine or thirty. Too bad—I’m into women in their forties. Not looking to get married. Fantastic in bed. Winners all around.”
At least we were matched in that his age was an issue for me, too—I wasn’t into twenty-two-year-olds. “Well, I hope you find her.” I was officially out. I’d given this evening a chance, but if I stayed a moment longer I’d likely never want to see Aurora again. I caught her eye across the room and stifled a giggle at her yawn. I headed over to save her.
“What were you thinking?” I asked as we stumbled outside, desperate to leave before the next bell sounded. “You said tonight would be fun.”
“I know. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“These are not desperate times.” I’d returned from Connecticut ten days ago and I’d barely left Woolton Hall. It was my safe space, and I knew as long as I stayed there, I’d survive. I might never be happy, but I would pull some kind of life together for myself.
A life without Logan.
I thought about him constantly. I replayed the conversation in Connecticut that we’d had on a loop. Even now, I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing.
“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?” Aurora asked.
I was always thinking about him. “That was a disaster.”