Until the End of the World Box Set

by Sarah Lyons Fleming

  I rehearse what I’m going to say for the hundredth time and wipe my palms on my thighs as Adrian steps out. He wears jeans, black work boots and a jacket, which he takes off to reveal an olive green t-shirt. He leans back inside the plane to say something, then waves and turns.

  He looks the same as he always has: the cheekbones, the ever-present dark stubble and the nose that turns his looks from pretty to handsome. I know every inch of him, from his ugly toes that I would tease him about, to the scar on his temple from the chicken pox when he was five. But it’s been so long that he also looks new, like a stranger.

  Maureen moves to him, a rake in her hands, and he touches her shoulder as she speaks. Adrian not only makes you think he wants to hear every word you say, he really does. She gestures toward the shed, and he goes still. I wonder what he’s thinking. I know I should go out there, but I can’t.

  His mouth moves, and at her nod his jacket drops out of his hand onto the dusty ground. He spins and moves toward me. I back into the shed and listen to his boots pound the path. In that awkward moment when he comes in and stops, that’s when I’ll say what I’ve practiced. I’ll get it all out before he can say anything: how sorry I am, how ashamed I am that I hurt him and how I never stopped loving him.

  I take a deep breath as he strides into the shed. His eyes match his shirt, and they’re full of disbelief.

  “Adrian, I’m—” I begin, but he doesn’t stop. His steps never falter as he makes his way over and folds me in his arms. His heart beats as fast and hard as mine.

  “You’re here.” His voice is like a prayer. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  He holds my face up to his. His hands are rough and cracked and smell like gasoline. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything as wonderful as those hands on my face.

  “I’m so sorry. I—” I try to get the words out, but his mouth covers mine in a kiss so raw that I can’t do anything but respond. I can’t even remember what I wanted to say, because I’m lost in the kiss I’ve dared not imagine for two years. He feels the same, tastes the same, and it’s like coming home.

  It’s so much more than I deserve. Why did I think he would hate me? I’m the kind of person who might not forgive so easily. He’s an open book. There’s nothing but joy in this kiss and the way his hands hold me like I can’t possibly be real, like I’m something precious. A sob escapes and he pulls back, although he doesn’t let go.

  “What’s wrong? Is this—?” His hands drop. I want them back on me, even if I don’t deserve them.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I’m so sorry for what I said to you. For what I did. I just want you to forgive me.”

  His brow creases, and his voice is tender. “I already have. A long time ago. I love you.”

  It makes me cry harder, and he wraps me in his arms. We stay like that, with his chin resting on my head, the way we used to.

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about you on your birthday.” His voice rumbles in his chest when he speaks. “Where you were, if you were safe, so I had them fly to the cabin the next day. We’re not supposed to use fuel for that, but I didn’t care, I couldn’t take it anymore. The house—” his voice breaks, “—it was burned to the ground. Lexers were everywhere. I made them fly back and forth, over and over again, trying to see if one of them was you and—” He stops and his body shakes.

  I rub his back. “I’m okay.”

  “I was so sure you were okay. So sure. I knew you could get out of New York. But when I saw the house, I thought I was too late. I hated myself for not coming sooner.”

  He blames himself, when I’m really to blame. I shake my head against his chest. “No. I should’ve contacted you somehow. I was too scared you didn’t want to talk to me, so I didn’t.”

  He loosens his grip and raises my chin with his hand. “I would never want—”

  “Adrian!” A young, fair-haired guy clomps into the shed. “Oh. Sorry, man.” He looks more intrigued than sorry.

  “What’s up, Marcus?” Adrian asks, but he doesn’t move and holds me tighter so I can’t move away.

  “Um, there’s something smoking in the electrical shed. We kind of need you.”

  “Where’s Janine?”

  “She’s at Cob Creek for the night. We heard the plane, and they sent me for you.” Now he really does look apologetic.

  Adrian sighs. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few.”

  “Sure,” Marcus says, looking at me curiously before he leaves.

  I smile at Adrian. I can’t believe I’m standing here in his arms.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  I’m better than okay. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him softly while I cup the back of his neck. He gives me that gentle look, the one Nelly called soft a million years ago.

  “I love you,” I say. “I really do.”

  “Good.” We laugh, because that’s what we used to say, and it’s nice to be back there.

  A girl with a buzzed head pokes her head in and winces like she got the job no one wanted. “Hey, A. Sorry, but there’s really a lot of smoke.”

  Adrian nods. “Coming right now. I’ll meet you there.”

  I give him a gentle nudge. “Duty calls. Go put that fire out. We’re all in one of the big tents in the back.”

  He looks at me incredulously and grabs my hand. “No way. Come and put out the fire with me. And who’s we?”

  He pulls me out the door, and we walk up the path as I tell him.

  119

  Adrian drags me around the entire afternoon, not that there’s any real dragging involved. When he pees I have to stop myself from following, and I pace outside the bathroom until he returns. Our permanently-linked hands get curious glances when he introduces me while attending to a million tasks. I must look like a maniac; I can’t stop smiling.

  He takes me to the unfinished cabins and pulls me through a doorway. The walls are filled with insulation, and it’s fitted with a wood stove made out of a metal barrel. Everything else in the world has fallen apart, but this place is growing.

  “How did you do all this?” I ask in wonder. “It’s incredible.”

  “No it’s not.” He shakes his head and sits on a low shelf built onto a finished wall. “While everyone else was trying to get to safety, I was already safe. It was just a matter of recognizing what was happening and doing something.”

  “No, it is incredible, because instead of closing the farm, you opened it up. You welcomed people. You’ve inspired them to do all of this.” I point out the glassless window.

  He shrugs and looks down. He thinks that anyone would do what he’s done. He doesn’t realize how rare he is. I think of how this works to my benefit because I’ve never been sure that I deserve someone so intrinsically good. Maybe no one’s good enough for him.

  “I love you,” I say.

  He keeps his head lowered, but I see his dimple and know he’s smiling. He draws me to him and loops his pinky through the ring on my neck.

  He runs it along the chain. “You still have it. Why are you wearing it around your neck?”

  I’m embarrassed by my superstition. “I felt weird putting it on. Like I shouldn’t wear it until I knew.”

  He glances at me. “Do you want to wear it now?” I know his question is about more than putting on the ring.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He removes the ring and slides it on my left ring finger.

  “It still fits,” he says, and kisses my hand. “Just like us.”

  I can’t find my voice to reply, so I bring his hand to my mouth and brush my lips over his fingers, one by one. When I look up, his eyes are hooded and so hungry that my breath catches. He stands and lifts me onto the shelf. I pull him to me and taste his lips, his tongue, his neck. He twists a handful of hair behind my head.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs into my mouth.

  Everywhere his body touches mine is warm and liquid, like we’re melting into each other. His hand runs under the waistband of m
y jeans, and I arch into him. The skin under his shirt is so warm, so smooth. There’s no way I can stop, I think, right before the cabin wall behind me begins to shake with the pounding of hammers. I jump in surprise and knock Adrian’s head with mine.

  I rub my forehead and grin. “Ow! Sorry.”

  Adrian looks so silly with one eye squinted closed that I break into laughter. He holds a hand to his head and smiles.

  “Isn’t there any privacy in this place?” I shout, still grinning.

  He takes my hand. We fall through the door into the late afternoon light, and he waves at the people who hammer siding onto the cabin.

  “Not much. But being one of the owners has its perks. I have my own room in the farmhouse. I’d been thinking of giving it to a couple, but…”

  I squeeze his hand. I want to be in his room with him, but now that I’m cooling off I feel shy and can’t say it. This is not uncharted territory with Adrian, but I feel like a virgin on her wedding night. A bell clangs somewhere.

  “It’s dinnertime,” he says. “Maybe we’ll find Nelly and Penny, finally.” We went by the tent earlier, but they were off exploring.

  Nelly spots us as we walk in and pulls Penny’s sleeve. He rushes through the crowd and, upon seeing our intertwined hands, gives me his wholesome grin that manages to convey something naughty. He and Adrian hug and pound each other on the back.

  Penny squeezes Adrian’s face in her hands and smooches him on the lips. “I never thought I’d see this beautiful face again!”

  Adrian laughs and spins her around. We’re attracting all kinds of attention, but most people are smiling. Some look wistful. I think of how Maureen said we’ve all lost someone, and I feel a tiny bit guilty that we’ve been found.

  120

  The dining room is almost empty. A few people play cards or talk, but most have gone to their quarters for the night. We’ve pushed ourselves back from the table and sit in lantern light. Bits made a friend named Jasmine, and they sat under the table giggling until Jasmine’s bedtime. Now she’s on my lap, limp with sleep. We were up at dawn today, and she’s exhausted.

  Nelly’s taken on the job of telling Adrian our story: Brooklyn, Jersey, the Washingtons and the campground, Neil’s gang and even Zeke, who Adrian knows. Zeke did get to Whitefield like we thought.

  When he tells the story of Peter, his voice lowers, and he makes sure Bits is still asleep. Somehow he manages to include Peter without mentioning that we dated. I don’t plan on keeping it a secret, but it’s something I need to tell Adrian in private.

  “He must have been a great guy,” Adrian says. He notices Ana’s wet cheeks and hands her a napkin with a sad smile. “I wish I could thank him.”

  He touches my knee, and his eyes go to Bits. It must be a shock to have me arrive with a seven year-old who belongs to me, to all of us, but she’s already won him over. I saw him sneak her a precious pack of gum when he thought no one was looking.

  When Nelly and Ana tell him about my insistence that we find medicine for Nelly, I stare at the floorboards. They’ve painted me as some avenging angel, and Nelly mimics my throwing things around.

  I roll my eyes. “You were barely conscious. I wasn’t that bad,” I say to Adrian, although he looks impressed.

  “Yes, she was,” Nelly says with a wink. He leans back and yawns.

  John rubs his eyes. “I’m ready to hit the sack. It’s been a long day.”

  He scoops Bits up and cradles her like a baby, and the rest of us rise.

  Adrian takes hold of my hand. “Ready?”

  I nod. We walk into the dark and say goodnight. It feels strange to be sleeping apart from the people I’ve spent every day and night with for months.

  “Hold on,” I say to Adrian, and run to catch up with them.

  “I wanted to say goodnight again,” I say. “I’ll miss you guys.”

  I plant a kiss on a sleeping Bits. I hug them, saving Nelly for last. “I’m used to sleeping with you,” I whisper in his ear. “I’ll miss you.”

  His laugh cuts through the night, and I can just make out his smirk in the dim solar lights that mark the path. “Darlin’, if you miss me? You’re doing it wrong.”

  121

  The interior of the house is lovely, with big windows and old-fashioned moldings. The stairs creak as we make our way up. Adrian points out the bathroom and opens a door at the end of the hall. “This is me,” he says.

  Huge windows line two of the walls. It must have a beautiful view during the day. He flips a switch, and an electric light comes on. I walk to it in awe.

  “Wow, a real, honest-to-goodness light,” I say. It seems so bright. I’ve gotten used to the dim circles of light lanterns throw off.

  “Another perk. We’ll have them in the restaurant soon, running off the solar.”

  There’s a queen-sized bed and a desk covered with organized piles of papers. A bookcase full of books. A wardrobe holds what I know are neatly-hung clothes behind its wooden doors. Adrian’s the neat one, while I’m the slob. A painting between the windows catches my eye, and I move closer.

  It’s one I made for him, of the spot where we first kissed. I painted it how it looked just after. It all runs together, the way it would if your eyes were a little unfocused. The colors are brighter. The yellows and reds of autumn leaves and the gray of the rock mix with the foamy silver of the water.

  “You hung it up,” I say, surprised he didn’t pack it at the bottom of a box somewhere. I think of the bin that only existed because of Eric, and it makes me feel terrible.

  “Of course I did.” He comes behind me and puts his arms around my waist. I lean into him and close my eyes.

  “I didn’t want to give up on you.” His arms tighten. “I came down to New York last spring to see you. I wanted to know if you’d changed your mind. I thought if you had you might not want to…”

  “Admit it? Apologize?” I say. I want to kick myself.

  “Kind of. I thought maybe you’d punish yourself by thinking I wouldn’t want you anyway.”

  I nod. He knows me so well.

  “But when I came, it was a Friday, and I saw you getting into someone’s car. Some guy’s car. He kissed you on the top of your head, and you smiled. I thought you might be happy again, and I didn’t want to mess that up.”

  Nelly said Adrian stopped emailing him about a year ago. It must have been then.

  “That’s not true.” He tenses and his voice is tight. “I was angry at you. For moving on when I didn’t want to, and I didn’t think you would either, not really. So I decided to believe what you told me. I hoped that you and the dark-haired guy with the nice car were happy, when I wasn’t fuming.”

  The dark-haired guy with the nice car. “That was Peter.” I’m not aware I’ve said it aloud until his arms retract and he moves away. But I want him to know. I don’t want to lie. I don’t even want to omit.

  “That was Peter? The Peter who—?” he asks.

  His face is completely blank except for his eyes, which are burning. I know what he must think of me at this moment. That since I lost my new boyfriend I came to find my old one, who just happens to be somewhere safe. Adrian may be trusting, but he’s only human, and I haven’t shown myself to be trustworthy.

  I turn to face him. “We dated for a while. But it was over before we left New York.”

  He won’t look at me. His expression is similar to the night I last saw him and, once again, it’s my fault. The day feels like it’s collapsed in on itself.

  “It’s true,” I plead. “He and Ana were sort of together. We were just really good friends.”

  I reach for his hand, but his arms are folded tight, and he doesn’t release them.

  “Adrian, I’ve never—” I was going to say that I’ve never lied to him, but that’s not true. I used to never lie to him, but then I did, and it was a huge one. “I’ve only ever lied to you once.”

  “Oh yeah?” His voice is flat. “And when was that, Cassie?”

&nb
sp; I hate the way he says my name, like it’s a curse. I want him to look at me. I pull his arm, and he turns reluctantly. I don’t know how to make him believe me, so I just tell him the truth.

  “It was when I said I didn’t love you.”

  I pray that it shows in my face as I wait for him to tell me to go. But it must because the hardness leaves his eyes, and he crushes me to him. We kiss, and this time there’s no one to interrupt.

  My stomach swoops down to my feet, just like it did that first time. The colors of my painting swirl behind my eyelids. His body quivers when I pull off his shirt. My clothes dissolve under his rough hands. We make our way to the bed, and my last conscious thought is to wonder how in a million years I could have ever willingly given this up.

  And Nelly was right: I don’t miss him at all.

  I wake at dawn and creep to the bathroom. My eyes shine, and my lips are swollen from Adrian’s scruff. When I get back to the room, he’s still asleep, one arm thrown above his head. I crawl under the covers and rest my head on his chest.

  “I love you,” I whisper, not wanting to wake him.

  His arm strokes my back. “Say that again,” he says, his voice sleepy.

  “I love you.”

  “Again.”

  I hear the smile in his voice and raise my head. He looks at me with luminous eyes, and his mouth is curved.

  “I love you,” I say.

  “One more time.”

  I sit up. The view out the windows is just what I thought it would be. I trace the curve of his cheek with my finger. “I love you. Until the end of the world.”

  His smile widens. “And after?”

  I turn to the windows and think of what lies beyond the relative safety of that beautiful ring of mountains. Then I turn back and smile at him even as something cold climbs up my spine. “And definitely after.”

  Epilogue

  I’m in the kitchen, blanching and peeling tomatoes for canning. It’s a huge crop, and if we want to have enough to last the winter, we’ll be working for the next week straight. The autumn air has the chill of winter in it, but it’s not unwelcome this year. We hope that the cold will freeze the infected and give us the opportunity to finish them off. And we hope the ones we miss will end up like frozen meat, their muscles useless in the spring thaw.