There was no denying it any longer – Carrie loved Alex with her whole heart. She’d been fooling herself when she admitted a fondness for him. It was more than that, yet she’d been fighting it to protect her heart. Seeing him, getting to know him again… she yearned for the closeness between them, yet it was still so distant.
Maybe they needed more than a touch of their hands and shared memories to unlock the feelings between them? If she kissed him, would it be like the fairytales and he would suddenly ‘awaken’ magically… bringing back their love for each other? What if she kissed him and nothing happened or he pulled away from her – how would she handle that?
Tonight would be a simple meal together. She was entirely too hot inside the dugout in the evenings and her body was aching something fierce. She was miserable mentally, physically, and emotionally, to say the least, and ready for something to give.
When Alex arrived, he looked to be lost in thought and distracted. He brought some goods from the mercantile and was busy unloading them between the house and the dugout when he suddenly stopped.
“You should take the house. You’ll be more comfortable when the baby comes,” he offered politely.
“That’s not necessary.”
“I know it’s not, but I would think you’d like to be in a real home.”
“A home is what you make it.”
“You are right – and you should make it your home.”
“You don’t understand, do you?”
“I guess I don’t.”
Carrie saw his defensive stance and recognized it. He’d crossed his arms against his chest and his feet immediately spread as if he was preparing to hold his ground. She didn’t want to put him on the defensive; he would just shut her out like that. She wanted him to listen- to truly hear her- and understand.
“I want a home… our home… with you. I’ve been very candid about it and upfront regarding it, but each time I reach out to you- you pull away. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to give you space… but I need you in my life.”
“What if I am a bad father?”
“What if I’m a horrible mother?”
“I don’t think that could ever be the case,” he immediately brushed off her concerns, unfolding his arms. It was a signal that the conversation was over in his mind. This both shocked and amazed her. Didn’t he understand or care? This was their child she was bringing into the world – someone had to be the perfect parent for him/her when they made their entrance into the world.
“See the house before you make a decision,” he offered politely, holding out his hand. “If this was supposed to be ours, let’s look through it together and tell me if there needs to be any changes.”
At least he was being reasonable and making a good point. Perhaps he didn’t want to know that she was scared about being a good mother, because he understood that one of them had to raise the child- if not both of them. For each effort he made towards her, there were two steps backwards, and she was tired of preparing for it mentally and emotionally.
Carrie put her hand in his after a moment and allowed herself to be pulled towards the home. He helped her up the porch and muttered quickly that he would need to add a railing so she didn’t fall. She barely heard him as she stepped into the house for the first time and was overwhelmed with emotion. This was supposed to be their home together… and it was, yet it wasn’t. That knowledge was heartbreaking.
The house he’d built was beautiful in its simplicity. A large open kitchen with a sink basin and pump stood grandly along a wall. A tiny potbelly stove was in the corner and she was surprised to see it. That was something she’d yearned for, perhaps a bit larger to heat the house, but still… it amazed her that he’d bought just what she’d wanted. A simple table and chairs were in the middle of the room. This is where they should have meals as a family and her children would do their studies for class.
“Oh! Before I forget, Carrie – you had a letter in town today,” he quickly said, digging in his shirt pocket for the small envelope. Carrie took it and breathed a sigh of relief. This meant Kate was coming to her aid. Opening it, she hung her head as she read the words she had dreaded.
Dearest Carrie,
I know this is not what you want to hear and I will explain more later but I cannot be there for a few months. I am coming and cannot wait to see you both, but circumstances prevent me from leaving right now. Please forgive me – this breaks my heart. I will hurry as fast as I can.
Love always,
Kate
“She isn’t coming,” Carrie whispered forlornly. Was everything to be a struggle in her life? Was everything simply going to go wrong? She’d prayed for Alex’s safety and here he was… but he wasn’t. She’d reached out to her sister for aid in her child’s arrival since they’d been close as girls – and she wasn’t coming. Carrie regretted not writing to her mother. She’d claimed that they would visit soon once she was settled, but her health was frail and she didn’t want to make demands of her. Kate had been her ace in the hole – and now she had nothing.
“What are you planning on naming the baby?” Alex asked quietly.
“Are you funning me? My sister won’t be here for my baby’s arrival and neither will my husband… and you want to know what I am naming my child?”
“It’s my child too – right?”
“That depends – do you want to be a part of our lives?”
“Of course, I want to be here for you…”
“For both of us!”
“Carrie…”
“Don’t! Don’t say a word right now,” she seethed, putting her hand up in irritation to quiet him. “I’m not feeling so good and I don’t think we should talk about it while I’m in this frame of mind. I need some rest and want to go home.”
“You can stay here if you like.”
“With my husband?”
“I can sleep in another room.”
“Never mind. This was all just a tremendous mistake on my part.”
Carrie stepped out of the house blindly, without looking at anything else in the building. She got to the edge of the porch and stepped down carefully. Her ankle gave way underneath her and she fell directly onto her side, jarring her, and stealing her breath. Gasping for air, she heard Alex’s exclamation and felt him kneeling beside her. Slowly she got to her feet and tried to walk on her own, but her throbbing ankle wouldn’t allow it.
“Let me take you inside and look at your ankle.”
“No. I want to go home.”
“Carrie – this is your home. Our home.”
“No, it’s not. Maybe someday… but right now my home is over there. Now you can either help me or move out of my way.”
Alex put his arm around her waist and helped her limp back to the dugout. Once inside, she moved inelegantly towards the small bed at the back of the room. He immediately knelt down beside her and swung her legs up onto the bed, wadding a quilt up under her ankle as he pulled off her shoe.
Carrie didn’t even blink an eye at her husband seeing her ankle, but it was almost comical to see Alex’s cheeks redden with a blush. He didn’t remember their times together so this was all brand new to him. Her ankle was already swelling and looking mottled in the shadows. It would be awful to walk on for several days, forcing her to take some much-needed time to rest.
“Let me put a cool cloth on it to hopefully slow down the swelling. Do you want me to fetch the doctor to take a look at it?”
“No. It’s just a bad sprain and I will be fine in no time.”
“Carrie, you fell…,” Alex reminded her gingerly, concern lacing his voice. “Do you think the doctor needs to check on it?”
“It? You mean my child?” she growled in irritation at the way he pointed at her stomach. He looked keenly uncomfortable and she’d thought it was at the show of skin, but now she realized it was because he was seeing just how large her stomach was protruding as her skirt lay against her body.
“Our child.”
> “My child,” she repeated firmly. “Until you decide what you want in your life- this is my child to have and nurture.”
“Carrie – that’s not fair. This is new to me and you aren’t giving me a chance…”
“Please leave so I can rest.”
Carrie turned her head away from him, facing the wall. She was beyond tired and frustrated, ready to give up on everything. If this was a test, she was failing miserably. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks into her hair and she would not let Alex see her cry. He’d broken her heart enough over the last month or two. It was time to move past him and begin the healing process. If he couldn’t open up or accept her yet, maybe it was time to start learning how to live on her own again.
“Are you sure I can’t get the doctor for you?”
“I’m positive.”
“Goodnight, Carrie. Please let me know if you need anything.”
Biting her tongue, she avoided several scathing retorts that were ready to fly out at him. How in the world would she be able to let him know if she needed anything? Run right over across the field between the two houses with her hurt ankle? If he wouldn’t make a move towards them being a couple, then she was done taking step after step, just hoping that he would be there with her. No, she would be fine by herself and just needed some rest.
When the door close behind Alex, it was as if it was being slammed in her face. She jumped at the sound and a whimper escaped her. The feeling of loneliness, loss, and rejection were burning throughout her body.
She ached physically everywhere and simply wanted an end to her pain. Her ankle throbbed, her hips ached, and her lower back was simply killing her. There was no getting comfortable until she laid on her side and brought her knees up towards her body… but then her ankle wasn’t propped up anymore, causing it to throb again mercilessly.
It was going to be a very long night.
8
Carrie awoke moaning as her whole body contracted in pain. She was covered in sweat and rolling waves washed over her back causing her to arch against the sensation. A rush of fluid ran from her body. She thought for a moment that she’d soiled herself, until she realized that the baby was coming. As fast as the pain washed over her, it was gone moments later, leaving her gasping for air.
It was too early!
By her calculations she had at least another few weeks and prayed everything was okay with her child. Maybe she should have had Alex get the doctor? What if her stubbornness caused her child to be stillborn? She felt another undulation roll through her body causing her to pant as she lay there waiting for it to pass.
Frozen with fear, she didn’t know what to do. She wished she’d asked her mother more questions… or any woman with children. She knew that she would have to push at some point. When the baby finally arrived, they would need to tie off the cord… but until then, what did she need to do? She lay there taking stock of herself, trying to assess how bad off she was or if this was just the beginning of it all. Her mother told her to prepare for hours of toiling work… but this felt more like torture, not work.
Her body rested again as the pain faded and her muscles relaxed. She could do this, if this was the worst of it. Carrie had a high tolerance for pain and could wait out the contractions each time. She said a prayer and remained prone, trying to rest. The minutes ticked by and she felt contraction after contraction wash through her.
Were there a certain number of contractions before you had the baby? Should she be counting them? When did you know to push? So many questions rolled through her mind and she wished Kate or anyone else was here.
Alex!
No! She wouldn’t go to him. If he wouldn’t take her as she was… he certainly wasn’t going to swoop in and rescue her. She could simply handle this herself. Other women brought babies into the world for thousands of years – she could too.
Time trickled by slowly and she was getting so tired. Her body ached and she was horribly thirsty. She struggled to get up in-between contractions and the moment there was pressure on her ankle, she screamed at the sharp pain that lanced up her leg. She collapsed onto the dirt floor of the dugout in agony. Pulling herself upwards using the table, she managed to get to her feet carefully only to have a contraction bring her back down. She was on her hands and knees panting with her swollen belly hanging from her.
She made it over to the pitcher and poured herself some water, gulping it down, immediately feeling the coolness rush into her body. Reaching up to the basin of soapy water she kept nearby to wash dishes, she grabbed a rag and hurriedly wiped her face and neck down with the cool water as she sat on the dirt floor. Another round of pain was coming and she felt her back bunching up again as her stomach got rock hard.
“UUUHHGGGGHHH,” she moaned desperately through clenched teeth and felt another rush of fluid from her body. There was no mistaking it anymore, she wanted someone with her – anyone. She was frightened and her body was going through a tough time that was completely out of her control.
“ALEX!” she screamed and whimpered helplessly as she realized that he would never hear her inside the dugout. Getting to her knees, she slowly made it to the door and just outside when another contraction hit her.
“ALEX! ALEX!”
The sun was turning the horizon an orange color just over the mountains making them look like they were on fire. It was beautiful and humbling. She was part of a bigger picture, going through the motions to ensure that life would continue on. Her beautiful baby was coming and regardless of what she wanted or thought – her child would be here soon enough. There was no more time to worry if she was going to be a good mother… she would be one shortly. Maybe there was never enough time to prepare, never enough time to learn… perhaps you only learned by doing.
Crawling forward towards the house, she stopped four more times – each more frustrating than the last. Her body was bearing down harder and harder. The pain was getting more and more intense. This was not something she could manage any longer, this was something she was just going to have to endure regardless of the pain.
“ALEX! ALEXANDER MADISON!”
She almost fainted in relief as she saw the door to the house open and he emerged. She saw him rush to her side as she collapsed in the grass and dirt. Looking up at him, she saw the concern in his eyes and knew she looked awful.
“Please help me… please,” she begged, feeling so lost and so alone. If he pushed her away again – she didn’t know what she would do.
“Hang on, Carrie. I’ve got you.”
Alex picked up her swollen body like it was nothing. Any other time she might have cooed with delight at his show of brute strength, but right now it was simply a relief. He would take care of her. She was putting her faith and trust in him and he’d accepted the challenge in her hour of need. She wrapped her arms around his neck and lay her head on his chest, feeling tears of need streaking down her face. She needed this – needed him.
“When did it start?” he asked her as he placed her down softly on a mattress in the bedroom. She didn’t move her eyes from his face. She didn’t care where she was – just that Alex was here and there was genuine caring and emotion in his eyes.
“I woke up to the pain. I think it’s been going on for about three or four hours now. Ohhhh no, it’s starting again.” Carrie felt Alex grab her hand and she squeezed it with all of her might as she pinched her eyes closed. Her body felt like it was twisting itself inside out and getting stronger with each contraction. As it began to fade away, she let out her breath and looked up to see his endearing smile.
“You did good.”
“How do you know?”
“Cause you look like you are handling this well.”
“It’s a good thing you are so good looking,” she muttered, annoyed. “That was about the stupides- OHHH!” she screamed and clenched his hand again as another contraction rolled over her body with force. As it began to subside, she was once again panting.
“I need water, please.�
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“Of course.”
“Hurry back, I think it’s starting again.”
Carrie was mid-contraction when Alex returned. He was at her side and holding her head in between contractions, trying to get water into her. Carrie was sweating so hard and her body was in such pain that she began to cry.
“What if something is wrong, Alex?”
“Nothing is wrong sweetheart. I promise.”
“Am I going to die?” she asked fearfully. The last few months had been so wonderful and so very terrible; was this to be the ultimate finale between them? She was scared and the only person she had to turn to… was the man who wasn’t sure if he was ready to be a part of her life. What if she died and he wouldn’t take care of the child?
“No, its worst when the baby is getting ready to get here.”
“Don’t leave me alone and if something happens – you’ve got to love our child. Promise me.”
“Nothing will happen to you – and I swear it.”
Wave after wave racked through her body and she suddenly felt a horrible burning pressure between her legs. Gritting her teeth, holding her breath and bearing down with all her might… she pushed and pushed as hard as she could, praying that she was close to giving birth. The pain subsided and she felt a wave of disappointment as she collapsed back onto the bedding.
“You are doing beautiful.”
“This is all your fault.”
“I’m sure it is,” he chuckled and she frowned deeply.
“It is – and loving you or not- I don’t think you are ever going to touch me again if this is what childbirth feels like.”
Carrie saw him smile happily as another wave hit her. She wanted to rip the smile from his face, but instead her body took over as it tried to expel the baby from her womb. She collapsed once again in defeat.
Blessings of Love (The Belles of Wyoming Book 7) Page 5