by Ryan Michler
Sure, you used to run a six-minute mile, but can you do it today?
Unfortunately, too many men wrap up their identity in winning instead of mastery. Insisting on the win at all costs is extremely damaging. If the win becomes more important to you than the experience and learning opportunity, you’ll do and say anything to come out ahead. Taken to an unhealthy level, you’ll jeopardize your integrity, conscience, and sovereignty just to be crowned the victor.
Don’t get me wrong, winning is critical. It’s the reason we keep score. It’s the reason you’re in business. It’s the reason you have a scale in your bathroom. At a healthy level, competition can drive a man to push harder than he ever has and to ensure he’s practicing for the day it counts. In other words, competition can drive a man to do the work to become a master. But taken to the extreme, he may get so wrapped up in the desire to win, he forgets the work he did to get himself there.
This is why we see athletes who score a touchdown and, instead of celebrating with the men who helped them score, run away from them and bask in all the glory they didn’t earn on their own.
A Sovereign Man doesn’t have the desire to celebrate needlessly. He keeps his cool; he keeps his composure. He’s been here before and he knows he’ll be here again. So, rather than make himself look like a fool, he runs to his team, congratulates them for their success, then goes to work reviewing the game film so he can duplicate the results and do it even better next time.
THE MINDSET—I LEARN FROM MY VICTORIES AND FAILURES AND CONTINUE TO GROW
If a man can’t learn from all he experiences, he will never grow. Unfortunately, I’ve seen too many men allow both victory and defeat to get the better of them.
Victory can easily get to a man’s head if he has no ambition to become a master. Whether he’s born with some natural gift and ability or he’s worked his ass off to get to where he is, winning may become the ultimate prize, and, therefore, it becomes enough.
Mastery, however, is a tier above winning. While a man may be able to win, a master never settles for it. He knows he can always get better regardless of the ultimate score. When a man who wins decides it’s enough for him, he robs himself of potential growth and cuts off any path of learning something new and being exposed to new opportunities. In a way, he allows his success to cripple him because he believes he’s already the best; therefore, there is nothing else to be learned or done.
Winning is not enough to a master. You may be able to outperform another, but do you have the capacity to get better than you once were?
I’ve seen failure cripple a man, too. Many men frame failure as an ultimate defeat. We have been led to believe that failure should be avoided at all costs. The only way to completely avoid failure is never to try. So men sit on the sideline, they take it easy, they do just enough to get the job done, and they never strive for more.
Many men are so afraid of failure that they never give themselves the chance to succeed. Most men know this and yet they still have a difficult time overcoming the fear of loss and rejection. The master, however, recognizes failure for what it actually is—not the end, but the beginning of something new.
You got rejected. What will you do differently next time?
You were passed over for the promotion. How will you exert yourself moving forward?
Your business crashed and burned. What did you learn?
Your diet didn’t stick. How can you change it?
You went through a divorce. What inadequacies can you shore up?
Failure isn’t losing. It’s feedback. You found out what didn’t work so you can take that real-world feedback and improve your odds next time. People often ask what about my past do I regret or what would I do differently. While I can understand they’re looking to learn a lesson of their own before they make their own mistakes, I can’t answer that question. All my mistakes and failures have been valuable lessons on my own journey to become a master. Without the mistakes, I would not be the man I am today.
We all have lessons to learn. You’re going to learn them at some point. You might as well mess up, learn them quickly, and give yourself permission to do things differently next time. And, trust me, there will be a next time.
Winners plateau. Losers quit. Masters never stop.
THE SKILL SET
Do Less, Master More. In a world that demands more and more of us, I would argue that less actually can be more. We’ve all heard the adage, “Jack of all trades, master of none.” It’s true. The more you do, the less effective you become.
It is tempting to do more than you’re capable of doing well. Not only do we receive the notoriety and praise of being a man who will always do what is expected of him, but it feels good to do it all. As a high-achieving man, you want to do more. It’s a test. It’s a challenge. It’s a thrill. It’s exciting. But it doesn’t last. Attempting to do it all is betting on a house of cards. It looks great, but it will eventually come crashing down. When it does, the fallout can be devastating.
I’ve seen men burn out, freak out, and check out because they can’t handle the mental, physical, and emotional toll of doing it all for a sustained period of time. No one can. If you think you’re the exception to that rule, it may be your ego talking (go back and read Chapter 13).
Learn to let go of the things that don’t matter so you can remain hyper-focused on the things that do. Take inventory of your life right now. What are you doing that you shouldn’t be? What are you doing that is costing you too much time and money? What are you doing that you don’t even enjoy? Once you know what those things are, nix them from your life, or, if they have to get done, delegate them to someone who can do them much more efficiently than you can.
A few things you ought to consider eliminating or delegating are: taxes, yard work, vehicle maintenance, payroll, investment research, unnecessary meetings, e-mails, phone calls, running errands, cleaning your house, home repairs, etc.
You may be fully capable of handling these things on your own, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Stop being so-so at everything and get exceptional at a few things.
Permission to Experiment. At some point, you’re going to need to give yourself permission to mess up. But rather than looking at it as messing up, let’s reframe it as experimentation.
No one wants to mess up. Think back to when you were a child. You got in trouble for messing up. You still do. When you mess up at work, your boss fires you. When you mess up at home, your wife gives you the cold shoulder. When you mess up while driving, you get a ticket.
On the other hand, everyone likes to experiment. When I was a kid, I would climb up on my roof and throw off G.I. Joes with napkins tied to them to see if they would parachute. Even now, I like to experiment: books, toys, firearms, exercise equipment, workouts, food, etc.
Please understand me, some experiments will get you killed. Don’t do them. (I can’t believe I even have to say this, but I’m sure someone will do something stupid and say, “Well, Ryan said to experiment.”)
As long as it’s legal, moral, ethical, and won’t get you killed, get after it. Reframing the idea of trying new things as an experiment gives you the permission to do something you may not normally do. Not only that, but the process of experimentation allows you to try a different approach with things that have always been done a certain way. It’s these differences in the way people approach work, family life, cancer research, expertise, nutrition, etc., that completely revolutionize the way things are done. What is now common knowledge was, at one point, just a theory put to the test.
Experimenting in your life also helps you overcome flat-lining or plateauing on your quest to improve. When you approach your life the way a scientist approaches his research, you allow yourself room to test variables to look for efficiencies in the way you live and operate.
If you let fear dictate what you will and won’t do, you’ll never grow. If you look at success as the final destination, you’ll cut yourself short of what you could have other
wise done. But if you give yourself permission to develop through testing your theories, you will become a master.
CHAPTER 19
COURAGE
“A man without courage is to me the most despicable thing under the sun, a travesty on the whole scheme of creation.”
-Jack London
Everything we’ve talked about up to this point, all of it, really doesn’t mean a damn thing if you have an inability to learn and develop the last virtue I want to address with you on your way to sovereignty: courage.
All you’ve ever read and all you’ve ever listened to and all you’ve ever consumed is completely wasted if you can’t actually take that information and do the work required to produce the result you’re after.
I’ve never met a single man who didn’t have some vision for the future and some idea of a new reality he wanted to create for himself. But I’ve met plenty of men who lacked the intestinal fortitude to act on those ideas. What a sad truth. How much better would your life be if you had the balls to do what you know you should be doing? How much better off would your family be? How much stronger would the community in which you live be? How much more profitable would your business be?
You can’t answer those questions unless (and this is a big unless) you’re willing to see if what you’ve thought so much about will play out the way you think it will. There’s absolutely no way to know unless you do it.
But this is where we get hung up. It seems to me that many of us are less concerned with acting courageously than we are with not looking foolish. In a sad way, most of us are playing the game of life not to lose.
Prior to army basic training, I received advice from some of the men in the section I would be working with after basic. Among their advice to survive was, “Don’t stand out.” I was directed by them to get lost in the crowd. Don’t draw attention to myself. Don’t fall behind. Don’t get out ahead. I didn’t know any better, so I went with it. And it worked.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize how horrible this advice actually is. What may have worked for a period of four months certainly isn’t any way to live a life worth living. Unfortunately, we see this all the time. You don’t share your idea in the board meeting because, “What if the boss doesn’t like it?” You don’t ask the girl out because, “What if she rejects me?” We don’t ask for feedback because, “What if someone criticizes me?”
Hell, I battled this as I wrote the book. I asked myself if I should even write it, knowing that some will reject what I have to say. The reality is that they will. The safe bet would be not to write the book and therefore spare myself the criticism I’m bound to face. But I’m not playing not to lose; I’m playing to win.
How do you play? Do you dive in headfirst or do you fall back when an opportunity presents itself?
After all, if you don’t share your ideas, no one will laugh at them. If you don’t ask her out, she can’t reject you. If you don’t ask for feedback, you won’t be criticized. You’ll be safe. But you’ll be trapped.
LEGACY
Understanding that we’re here on this spinning rock for a very short time should fill you with a sense of urgency. If it doesn’t, I’m not sure what else can be said. You and I are working against a clock. Unlike in a sporting event, however, we don’t know when that time will be up. That being the case, it’s critical that we make the most of every single minute we do have. Too often we don’t. We delay. We coast. We procrastinate.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many men ask me how to overcome procrastination. I know it’s a real challenge, but it’s only a challenge because you believe you have more time than you potentially do. If, for example, you have seventy-two hours to complete a critical assignment, it will take you seventy-two hours to complete. If, however, you have the same assignment due in twenty-four hours, you’ll find a way to get it done in twenty-four hours. Same assignment. Same requirements. But it will take you significantly less time. How can this be? In the second scenario, you don’t have time to plan, strategize, work out all the angles and potential pitfalls. You only have time to get to work. And work is what gets the job done. This is known as Parkinson’s Law: works expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.
Knowing that we often work slower than we’re capable of reduces our need for courage—that is, to act in spite of fear and potential failure. When we have more time, we lie, we make excuses, we rationalize, and we stall. By shortening the time allotted, we strip away our natural tendency to drag our feet and give ourselves permission to focus on only the most important tasks—the ones that will actually produce the meaningful results we’re after for ourselves and those under our care.
When I recognize that what I do with my time here matters to me and to those who look to me, I reduce my ability to sabotage myself. There’s a great scene in the movie Gladiator where Maximus attempts to rally his troops before a battle. He says, “Brothers, what we do in life echoes in eternity.”
Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the fact remains, what you do with your limited time here matters. It’s your legacy. What will your legacy be? Will it be one of mediocre results driven by a man who was too afraid to do something great? Or will it be one of victory led by a man who was afraid but displayed courage in the face of that fear and showed up fully for himself, his family, and his community?
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
One of the most potentially destructive thoughts we have is “What if?” What if this goes wrong? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if someone mocks me? What if I fail? What if I lose my money? What if I lose credibility? What if I lose my friends?
The fact is, we’re wired to stay alive, so we’re in constant search of the factors that pose a threat to our well-being. But with the advancement of technology, medication, and civility, there are very few things that actually place anything, including our lives, in any real danger. Still, we cannot seem to overcome the plaguing thought of loss to ourselves, our tribe, or our livelihood.
Fortunately, there’s a very simple solution to the “What-If Game.” Find out. It really is that simple. Most of us live in ignorance about the things that scare us. We conjure up fanciful stories of death and destruction should we display any level of courage to take a new path and put ourselves out into the world. But they’re just that—fanciful stories. They’re not real. Seneca says, “We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”
I know this is true of me. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve started something new I’ve been afraid of only to realize it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d played it out to be in my mind. Until you’re capable of acting, even to the smallest degree, you will remain trapped in a false reality you’ve created for yourself. Don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to find out how it really is? Don’t you want to unplug from the “matrix?” Unfortunately, many men would rather live in delusion and produce less than they’re capable of than face the scary reality that they’ve limited themselves to less than what’s possible.
But here’s the deal. Just because you take a peek—and that’s all I’m asking you to do right now—at what’s behind the curtain, doesn’t mean you can’t drop the curtain again. I have a feeling you won’t, because what you’ll find isn’t nearly as scary as what you made it out to be in your mind.
Ignorance is only bliss until you realize you’re not happy and you can’t quite figure out why. I know why you’re not happy. Because you’re behaving like a boy.
Boys believe in dragons, but they also believe in their capability of slaying them. Somewhere along the way, however, they lose the belief that they can face the dragon and win. Rather than risk the damage to their ego, they place the dragon on a pedestal on which he doesn’t belong. “It’s too big,” the boy says. “It’s too scary; it’s too dangerous.” Bullshit. The boy doesn’t even know what’s there anymore because he doesn’t have the guts to look at the imaginar
y monster he’s created.
I challenge you—maybe for the first time in years or in decades or in your life—to take a look. It’s not as scary as you imagine it to be.
THE MINDSET—I EMBRACE MY FEAR
We all face fear. Regardless of how hard you may try and how much planning you do, you’ll never remove it completely from your life. But the fear is part of what makes you stronger. If you didn’t have fear, there wouldn’t be anything for you to overcome. See, courage isn’t about not being scared. It’s about being scared and doing it anyway.
The ability to act in spite of fear is a big part of what makes you a man. Fear is not a barrier to what you want most; it’s an indicator that you’re about to be pushed outside your comfort zone. Being pushed outside your comfort zone could potentially pose a very real and serious threat to your well-being, or it could simply mean you’re about to be tested, which, in turn, will make you stronger. In other words, fear is our brain’s way of telling us we’re about to do something incredibly brave or something incredibly stupid. I think we all inherently know what that line is.
If fear is no longer viewed as a real and tangible factor but rather something to be listened to and understood, we should not shun fear but embrace it. We should thank the fear for telling us what we need to know and for guiding us to something we should engage in. Frankly put, we should embrace it. It’s there to help.
This is one of the reasons my favorite superhero is Batman. He could have let his fear of bats cripple him and keep him from doing what his heart was calling him to do. But he didn’t. He decided instead to embrace the thing he feared most and harness its power to produce an effective outcome. But the bat is just an analogy. It’s an analogy for your own primal fears. What is it that you fear most? Rejection? Failure? Ridicule?
If that’s the case and you choose to run and hide, you will always be exposed by the fear you’re hiding from. You will always feel inadequate. You will always play it safe. You will always attempt to fit in by changing who you are and who you’re meant to be.