I almost want to tell her that we can forget about it. I kind of wish I could put a bubble around her to make sure she’s safe.
She frowns as if she could read my thoughts and didn’t appreciate them one bit.
There’s fury in her eyes. Like she finally had enough. “I already told you like five times I was okay. I’m not going to break. Yes, I seem to suck at this college thing and it blows. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t prepared for that. I really thought I’d manage.” She takes a deep breath. She looks away for a second but then looks up at me again. There’s still fury there, but there’s something else. An emotion I recognize because I’ve felt it before. I felt it and I didn’t know what to do with it. A mix of guilt and fear. Sometimes it’s hard to explain and sometimes it’s too fucking painful.
I raise my hands up in surrender but it seems that me asking that same question over and over again has set something off in her, a fire that I wouldn’t know how to stop. A fire I’m not sure I want to stop, because seeing her like that—not only standing up for herself but also letting those emotions out—does something to me. And it’s not only my body that’s reacting to her passion, it’s a place inside my chest that fills with so much respect and tenderness that I want to listen to her, wrap my arms around her, and also push her against the wall and let my hands roam all over her body.
“You know what else sucks?” Her voice is calmer but has that slicing edge that would cut deep. “I didn’t realize it. I didn’t even realize that someone was manipulating my social media, my email. How stupid can I be?”
I open my mouth but she pokes my chest with her finger. “Don’t you dare tell me that it could happen to anyone. I’m pretty sure if I had a so-called normal life before, I’d have noticed if something was wrong with my social media and email. And you know what else?” She doesn’t wait for an answer. “If I had really wanted to find Noah, I should have been able to. I should have known.”
Her voice is laced with sadness and self-incrimination. I run my hand through my hair. The girl in front of me has so much strength inside of her and I’m not sure she realizes it. How do I make her understand? How do I make her see that she could power an entire country with her strength?
I step closer to her but then a couple of girls enter the hallway chatting about their class, chatting about an internship one of them wants to apply to. Lacey’s eyes follow them and there’s longing there. Her damn longing to belong. She doesn’t see that the way she’s forging herself is as valid as any other way.
We’re so close now and when her lips part to exhale, I’m mesmerized by them. But I don’t want to make her feel like she has to do anything.
Her hand finds my chest again, but this time she simply lays her hand there, spreading warmth throughout my entire body. She leans her head back. “Don’t you see?”
“What?” My voice is rougher. She might be on the edge of despair but I feel on the edge of falling into a precipice and instead of being scared shitless, I just want to jump into it.
“I don’t know anything. I thought I would figure everything out. And he was right. My stepfather was right,” she whispers and I rest my forehead against hers. The hand she has resting on my chest slowly trails down and then back up before she pulls me even closer. Our bodies are flushed against one another. “But I’m not going to break. I thought I would. So many times. And maybe I did. And I’m just...I don’t know.”
“You thought he might be dead. You thought you might be responsible for his death. Why would you have known? How could you have known?” I try to make her understand. None of this is her fault. She’s been trying so hard to deal with the cards she’s been dealt in such a fucking gracious way.
She moves her head slightly and she’s almost tucked against me. “Still. There are times I have no idea what I’m doing.” She pauses and I could lose myself in the way her eyes search for mine, as if she feels the same connection I feel. “I thought if I found Noah...” Her voice trails off. “I thought if he was okay...”
She leans back and shakes her head slightly as if she’s scolding herself for believing whatever she’s about to tell me. “I believed that seeing him safe and happy would resolve everything. Just like I believed that going to college was going to show the world, or rather show me, that my stepfather was wrong. But you know what? It doesn’t seem to work that way. His words still haunt me and even if I’m relieved to see Noah, to know he’s fine, to know he doesn’t hate me, I still wonder about the others. It doesn’t bring Charlotte and Mellie back to life. It doesn’t erase all those years.” She looks exhausted.
Someone clears their throat. “Your brother’s been calling you, Lace.” Elena stands by the door with a concerned expression on her face.
Lacey has a humorless laugh. “Probably left my phone on silent. I really should just give up on the whole “let’s have a phone” thing. I was so excited when we went to the store to get one with my uncle. The whole world at my fingertips. Apparently the world is coming in uninvited and I still can’t keep track of what I’m supposed to do.” Her voice is bitter again, but she forces one of those Lacey smiles. Those ones tug at my heart. It’s the kind of smile that wants to say “I’m fine, everything is fine—nothing to see here.” And I crave to see her real smile.
“I’ll see you later, okay?” I’m also going to text her but it’s probably not the thing to tell her right now.
“Okay.”
I bend to kiss her on the cheek and she shifts slightly. My lips almost touch hers and I notice the way she looks at me is full of need, and her smile has turned into the one that makes me want to take a cold shower.
She turns to Elena, who bombards her with questions about what happened. I wait until the door to their room closes before heading outside to call her uncle. I need to tell him I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not telling him anything without Lacey knowing. He told me that I needed to be there for her, but that it was important I kept a certain emotional distance. His words.
And it’s already too late for that.
CHAPTER 12 – LACEY
“I know it’s probably not what you want to hear,” Elena leans against our closed door with the same look she has when she figures out some chemical reaction that might save the world someday. Or destroy it. But most probably save it. That’s what she tells me.
“What?” I sound tired. So tired. I want to forget this all happened.
Either Elena senses my mood or she’s simply very good at distracting me, because she points at the door and winks. “What I just witnessed outside was scorching firefighter hotness.” She giggles and plops herself on her bed, pulling me next to her. “The way you look at each other is...hot. I mean I could use other words but hot really works.” She lifts a shoulder. “He’s looking at you like he wants to offer you the world, but he’s conflicted because you’re his world. So how does he offer you...to you?” Her giggles turn into a full-blown Elena laugh. And I can’t help but smile. The tension I’ve felt throughout the day slowly slips out and if I wasn’t laughing with her, I’d be crying. And I don’t want to end up in a puddle of tears right now, because I’m not sure I could pull myself back together before my brother arrives.
I sigh. “He’s going to be helping me with my Shakespeare class.”
“You guys are movie material. The firefighter who saves your life, becomes your tutor, and then will either rock your world in bed or...”
“Or?” I still feel the smile on my lips as I raise an eyebrow.
“Well, he could be a serial killer. I took that movie class freshman year and I’m telling you, he’s either the hero or the villain. No in-between.”
“And in that scenario I’m always the one needing help.” I shake my head, fighting with the annoyance rippling through me.
“You’re kidding me, right?” Elena’s eyes widen like she can’t believe what I’m saying. “You are the heroine of your story and you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met! Accepting help do
esn’t make you weak, and you’re saving him too. He’s got issues. We all do.”
“It doesn’t feel that way most of the time.”
“Let me tell you. When I found out you were going to be my roommate this semester, I was almost speechless. Well, it lasted two minutes and then I had a lot of words...but...”
“You looked upset when we first met.”
“No, I have what we call a PRBF.”
“What?”
“A Permanent Resting Bitch Face.” She laughs again before schooling her face back into her signature frown.
“Do I have one too?” My fingers touch my cheeks.
“You have a Sometimes Resting Bitch Face. Like when someone asks you if you’re doing okay...” She gestures to my side of the room. “I know it wasn’t easy moving on campus and it wasn’t easy for me either. When Skylar decided to move out, it sucked. And I’m sorry if you felt like you were intruding, but honestly, I was kind of in awe and also pissed at the situation, and it took me a bit to reconcile the image I’ve read all about and...”
“Me.” My tone is hollow.
“You. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got issues too. Like staying up all night on those forums, not listening when people are telling you how much they care, not knowing how to let loose sometimes, being on guard a lot. And...the books on your bed do tend to spill over everywhere.” She points to the pile of books that is on her side. “But I lucked out this year with you as my roommate because you’re funny and sweet and kind and you don’t mind me rattling on about protons and silica. And I’ve told you before that you accept me for who I am; not everybody does.”
My throat tightens at her words. Maybe I need to give myself more credit. Some see me as a success story even though I feel like a failure most of the time.
“Thank you,” I croak. “For everything. I know I wasn’t always the easiest roommate at the beginning and I’m awkward. I sometimes don’t know what to say and so I say too much or too little. Or at least I think I do.”
“I honestly don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel that way from time to time, or hasn’t felt that way.” She pauses. “Even me. Do you have any idea how awkward it gets when I start talking about chemical reactions at certain parties?” She shakes her head. “But anyways. Talking about chemical reactions, you and Hunter definitely have chemistry. It’s physical. Like your dopamine and his are getting out of control. And I think it’s also emotional. You connect.”
I hesitate for a split second. “I do really like him. But I’m a mess. And I don’t want him to just feel pity for me or feel obligated to anything. He’s got that hero complex.”
“You mean because of that girl who died at his frat party freshman year?”
“I think so. And his dad. He feels like he could have done something.”
“I call bullshit, but I get it. I still can’t believe no one found out who she was. Someone has to be missing her.”
“At the hospital, Hunter mentioned that maybe she was considered a runaway in another state but not in danger, so maybe her DNA is not in the system.”
There’s a knock at the door. “Lacey?” I wince at the worry in my brother’s tone.
Elena squeezes my shoulder. “You’d have the same tone if it was the other way around.”
“Thanks again for staying with me and everything.”
“Are you kidding me? I really wanted to find a reason to get out of this class today. I kind of wish your brother couldn’t make it here.”
She opens the door as she speaks and Luke gives her this smile that reminds me so much of our mom. It always takes my breath away. He’s had a hard time with it. “I could have driven a bit slower. You should have just told me you needed me to arrive late.”
Elena grabs her bag and narrows her eyes slightly at Luke. “No speeding.”
“Definitely not,” Luke replies. His friend Dimitri was in a car accident a few years ago. They weren’t close then, but they are now and he knows the dangers of speeding and of drinking and driving. I know though that he probably went slightly over the speed limit coming here.
As soon as we’re by ourselves, Luke pulls me into a tight hug. “I can’t believe this is happening.” He releases me after a few minutes. But his eyes are still trained on my face, as if he’s making sure I’m still here.
“You can’t do this all alone. We’re not at that compound anymore.” His voice is full of disgust. “You save me and Lila. But even back then, I should have made sure you were able to come with us.”
“It wasn’t possible at the time and you know it. We’re here now.” With Luke, I find my big sister voice again. I need to reassure him, even though he looks like he wants to reassure me. “If it’s anyone from the cult, the police will find who it is quickly. They also believe it could be Charlotte’s dad. They haven’t been able to locate him. Have you heard anything about him recently?”
“I haven’t.”
“How is school? How is Tessa?”
“Don’t change topics.” He rubs his neck but the way he does it is different than Hunter. Hunter almost loosens what I imagine to be tight muscles when he does it. That and his other tell when he’s anxious or stressed is running his hand through his hair. Luke’s is rubbing his neck twice. It's either that or going to hit a punching bag, but it’s not like he can go to the gym right this second.
“I’m not. There’s nothing else to say about this. Noah is alive. My social media account got hacked. It’s not Eve based on what the police could tell. They’re investigating and I have a direct line to the detective and they’re going to have more rounds on campus. You and Hunter seem to make sure I’m never alone. I’m not reckless. I’m not going to do anything that will put me in danger.”
Luke sighs loudly and it reminds me of when he was our little sister Lila’s age and he really wanted to go outside while there was a storm raging.
“You can’t keep me in a safe. I’ve been stuck inside my own head for so long and I’m trying. I really am trying to adapt but I can’t do that if you’re always worried about me.”
“Because if I worry about you, you’ll be even more worried about me,” he finishes. That’s something he said so many times. Especially at the hospital. He was still beating himself up for everything that’s happened. And he was so scared for me. So scared for Tessa.
“You didn’t answer. How is Tess? How is her foundation? Has she found more donors? I know she said she really wanted it to become national since so many groups are not just in one state, and she could help victims and their families that way.”
He raises an eyebrow and for a second, I smile. Because that move, it’s not your traditional eyebrow raise; it’s one we all seem to have, including Lila, who’s not even nine yet.
“You’re changing the topic again.” He flexes his hand, probably not even realizing he’s doing it, and the slight annoyance I felt for having my little brother trying to tell me how to live is replaced by a wave of tenderness. When my stepdad told me that Luke and Lila had died, at first I didn’t believe him. But then as weeks turned into months and no one came to help me, to get me out, I thought that maybe they didn’t make it.
And I blamed myself for that too.
The therapist I’d seen right after everything had told me that I needed to give myself the same compassion I would give a stranger.
“But yes, Tessa is doing very well. She’s super busy. A family has donated a lot of money and she’s planning a fundraiser for next year.”
“That’s good. How is school?” I lean back against the wall as he sits on the chair in front of my small desk.
“School is...okay. I’m doing better. I’m studying and catching up.” His stomach grumbles and I laugh. He’s always hungry. Our uncle told me last time he’s considering a Costco membership just to feed Luke.
“I have some flex money I haven’t used yet and we do have that burrito place you love. I already ate, but I’ll go with you and you can tell me all about what’s been happ
ening in Gavert City.”
“Fine. You got me with food. But please be careful, okay? If you even think you see one finger of Charlotte’s dad, you’ll call the police?”
“Of course I will.”
And I will. Even though I struggle knowing that Noah is alive, realizing that maybe Charlotte’s dad is responsible for all those letters and the hacking of my phone makes the end more palpable. I know what he looks like. I’m going to be careful. If it’s him and they find him, maybe then I’ll be able to move forward.
It gives me a sliver of hope that the end of the nightmares is close.
CHAPTER 13 – HUNTER
I’m almost out of the building when I run into Branson and Rafael.
“Dude, is everything okay? The entire campus is talking about what happened.” Rafael’s voice carries through the hallway and people turn our way. When they see me, their eyes widen a bit more. Of course. What other mess did I create in their minds?
A girl Rafael dated last year waves at him.
He tips his head but doesn’t engage like he normally would.
Branson gets his card out and nods toward their suite, which is just a few steps away. “If you don’t want everyone to know every single detail of what happened since the cops showed up, you might want to bring that conversation inside.”
I check my phone. “I don’t have time. I have to make a call and then talk to Professor Geppert. Did I miss anything important in our business class?” I ask Branson. We take some of the same business courses. He’s in international business like I had been, and some of our classes intersect.
“Not anything super important. I’ll send you my notes.” Branson stops in front of their door. “You need anything else?”
I shake my head. “Nah, I’m good. I’ll see you guys later.”
I stride outside and head toward Lot 2, where I parked. I can’t talk to Lacey’s uncle in the quad. With my luck, she’d pass by right at the same time.
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