Warmth unfolds in my chest. “We will.”
And I can’t wait for what’s ahead.
CHAPTER 22 – LACEY
The past couple of days have been a blur. My ribs are fine. I didn’t break anything. And the bruises are slowly fading away. People still stand on their toes around me. The entire campus heard what happened and their stares are different than what they used to be: less pity, less curious, but they’re still staring.
I check behind me. I don’t think I’ll ever stop checking behind my shoulder. But I do feel less tense. Or I did. Before I stepped foot on the carnival grounds.
There are people everywhere.
Standing. Laughing. Playing.
Everywhere.
I struggle to take a deep breath.
The smell of pulled pork and brisket is mixed with the smell of cotton candy. I’d be hungry if my stomach wasn’t creating new knots impossible to untie. The field is totally transformed with the booths and the Ferris wheel and the games.
I lift my chin and my gaze scans the area, ignoring the ripple of anxiety turning into a hurricane in my veins.
Jasmine waves my way. “Here you are. Hunter asked me to keep an eye out for you.”
“Where is he?” My voice shakes only slightly but I spoke too lightly. She didn’t hear me. I force myself to clear my throat. “Where is he? He said he’d be here. Maybe he left me a voicemail and I didn’t get it. Is he running late?” I want to pinch myself. It’s either I can’t talk or my nerves do all the talking for me, but Jasmine doesn’t seem to find my questions weird.
Her smile is kind as she points in the distance to the right. “He did try to call you but your phone went straight to voicemail. Reception isn’t always great here. He had to replace J.J. at the dunking station. There’s a line to put him in the water.” She chuckles. “Mack called out so J.J. is actually back at the station on duty.” She leans toward me and pats my back gently. “I’ll bring you over there and then you’ll be at the kids’ pumpkin station.”
“Not the corn maze?” I bite the inside of my cheek, not wanting to be relieved too soon.
“Nope. Chief Stan’s oldest daughter and her husband are on duty there.” Jasmine waves at a woman who walks by.
“Hi, I’m Erica. Chief Stan’s daughter.” She smiles and she has the same dimple as her father and her dark brown skin is flawless. “Reporting for duty, Jasmine,” she teases and I giggle.
Yes, there are way too many people for my taste. Yes, the music is loud. Yes, I’m still trying to untie the knots in my stomach. But I can do this.
One step at a time. One moment at a time.
“Your husband is already there,” Jasmine says with laughter in her voice. “I know your dad was probably talking your ear off and asking about his grandkids.”
“You know how he is.” Erica jogs to the maze.
Jasmine and I make our way through the crowd. The fishing stand has a lot customers and the kids’ area is pretty full too. But the biggest line is really in front of the dunking station.
“Come on...you have to try harder. I guess football players can’t aim.”
Dimitri—one of my brother’s friends, who usually goes by Dimi—gets another ball and it hits right on target. Hunter’s seat slips and he drops into the water. He laughs as he climbs back up. His shirt clings to his torso and his shoulders, and my heart thumps in my ears.
“He can’t stop staring either.” Tessa nudges my shoulder. Not far from her Luke and Lila and Erin’s little brother are heading our way with a caramel apple.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I croak and she laughs, winking at me. What are you guys doing here?” I feel more relaxed, more at ease, and breathe a sigh of relief.
Jasmine turns to me. “I need to go check on the sound system for later. You start at the pumpkin station in ten minutes.”
“Nice meeting you,” Tessa says and then she leans a bit closer. We’re about the same height. Her red hair is down, catching the sun, and her smile is warm when she continues, “Luke wanted to come. I know you didn’t ask but he thought it might be nice for your first event if we were all here. Plus, Lila and Erin’s brother were super excited to go to the corn maze and decorate pumpkins.”
My heart swells when my brother gets closer and shifts his feet from one side to another, like when he was little and he was worried he did something wrong. Always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. Always worried about upsetting our stepdad du jour.
I wrap my arms around him. “Thanks for being here,” I whisper in his ear. He hugs me back.
“Anytime. Anywhere. Always,” he replies, and my throat burns. I feel the tears coming but I’m holding them back. That’s what I told him before I helped them escape.
Lila jumps around us. “I saw pumpkins! And Hunter is here!”
I feel him before she even says it. I feel him approaching. “Dimitri really got me. After him, two more managed to put me in the water.” There’s laughter in his voice and warmth pools in my stomach. He shakes his head and droplets of water run down my back and I shiver. I turn around to face him and lick my lips. My mouth is dry. There’s some water on his jaw and I’m tempted to run my finger over it. He has a towel around his wet clothes, which doesn’t do much to cover the way his shirt still clings to his muscles. Hello firefighter, there’s a fire inside of me! I giggle at my own thoughts. Hunter raises an eyebrow and my heart skips a beat. “Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud.”
Hunter’s lips turn into that full grin that makes my heart skip another beat. “You didn’t, but now I really want to know what you thought you said.”
Erin and her brother join our little group. She leans in toward Dimi and kisses his cheek. He takes her hand in his and brings her hand to his lips. Luke and Tessa are laughing with Lila. We’re surrounded by couples. And I notice every little move they make, every little detail.
They make it look so easy. But how do you cross the line? Do you jump over it or does it happen naturally?
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything. Aren’t you going to get a cold?” And I sound like what I imagine my grandmother sounded like. “I mean, you need to change, right?”
Hunter doesn’t stop looking at me. His hand is cold from the water as he gently touches my neck. “You always get red there when you’re nervous.”
“I’m not nervous. It’s just...how do you know?” I whisper and in this moment, there’s only me and him. No one else. “How do you trust someone else like that? How do you move on? How can you be sure?”
Hunter sucks in a breath as if he’s surprised I’m opening up like this. He’s not the only one. “I’m not sure you can’t ever know but...”
“Okay Hunter, you need to get ready. The pumpkin station is opening in five minutes,” Chief Stan calls out and I step back.
But Hunter’s hand finds mine. Our fingers interlace for only a few seconds. And for those few seconds, it’s like my heart forgets to be scared.
CHAPTER 23 – HUNTER
How did I not know kids could be so overwhelming? Cute but man, they’re everywhere. I haven’t been able to really be alone with Lacey again since we held hands for what was only probably a few seconds. And I can’t think about the way she’s been looking at me—like she wants me. Really wants me. I glance at her.
She’s laughing with Lila and three other little kids who are learning how to empty a pumpkin. Her laughter is carefree and full of joy. It’s loud and happy. Her brown hair moves with the wind. She’s wearing cowboy boots over her jeans and a simple shirt that says Boooook Club with a ghost underneath.
A little girl with curls and dark brown skin pulls on my now dry shirt. “How do you make sure the pumpkin doesn’t catch fire? I don’t want to hurt it!”
I crouch down to be at her level and then just sit on the floor next to her. She’d been looking at different smaller pumpkins. Her mother’s looking at us from the table by the entrance of the carving pumpkin station, holding another
child who seems to have fallen asleep despite the noise. I wave at her and she smiles my way—a tired but happy smile.
“Well, first you don’t have to use a candle inside the pumpkin. But if you do, you need to make sure the pumpkin is away from things that can burn easily.”
“Like what?”
As I explain to her the safety measures she can take, she nods along. Her mom approaches, still holding a little boy in her arms. “Your father’s over there.” She points at the cotton candy stand.
“I’m Nola.” The little girl shakes my hand. “Thanks for explaining. I’m going to tell Daddy I’m going to be a firefighter when I grow up.”
She rushes away with her mom following her, still holding the small pumpkin in her arms.
“You’re patient.” Lacey’s hands are full of pumpkins’ guts. There’s a twinkle in her eye as she approaches me.
“You wouldn’t.”
She swings her arms my way and then laughs at my face. “Of course not. I’m pretty sure you’re out of clean clothes.” She drops the guts in the big trashcan behind us. “I can’t believe we’ve already been here for two hours.”
“Are your brother and his friends staying for the dance?”
“Nope. Erin has to bring her brother back home. Dimi and she are going to the movies. Lila’s parents are picking her up here in a few minutes and then Luke and Tessa are both working tonight.”
“Are you staying for the dance?” Technically, she could go home. And yes we talked about the dance when I started tutoring her, but we’re in a different place now. Our volunteering stops in less than thirty minutes. I figured she’d be staying but I don’t want to assume. I want every single decision to be hers. Not mine. No pressure. Just hers.
She glances down and her neck shows that spot of redness she has when she’s flustered. Maybe not because of nervousness. Maybe because she—like me—wants this. Then, she looks up and her gaze grabs mine. If I wasn’t hot before, I’d be now. “I’ll stay.”
THE MUSIC IS LOUD. And while some families have gone home, more people have arrived to enjoy the rides, the band, and the barbecue.
Lacey’s gaze keeps on darting to the exits. She shifts from her right leg to her left. We just ate some pretty amazing brisket, discussing the day, but now she’s closed up.
“How about we go for a walk?” The weather is warmer tonight than it’s been the past few days. “There’s a trail behind the barn and you can see the canyon in the distance.”
She gives another look to the crowd and then her chin dips as if she’s disappointed in herself. “Let’s go.”
Once outside, she takes a deep breath. More people get into the barn—and she marches further out of the way of the entrance.
“I really wanted to enjoy tonight.” She glances up. But I know there’s no answer in the stars or the sky. How many times did I try to find one after the party, after Dad died, after everything? “It’s like something still holds me back. I’m not sure how to break from it. Charlotte’s dad is in jail. The guy who tried to trick you is gone...but still, I can’t totally relax.”
“Before...” I pause, thinking about my next words. “Before your family joined, did you like crowds?”
She frowns and tilts her head. “I haven’t thought about it that way. When we were in the compound, I didn’t mind because it didn’t feel like they were strangers. After all, we were one big happy family.” She kicks a bit of dirt with her foot. “I’ve never liked having too many people around me. One day, we were in Austin and there was a demonstration and I remember feeling like I was suffocating. I was five maybe.”
“Maybe you’ve never liked crowds...”
Her smile is tentative. “True but before I never thought about checking for exits, or been afraid to be trapped anywhere.” My hand finds hers and I squeeze it reassuringly but then she’s the one interlacing her fingers with mine. “As my therapist says, it’s one step at a time. I can still enjoy this moment even if I’m disappointed I still struggle. One doesn’t prevent the other.” She tilts her head. “Where do you want to go?”
“There’s a path that goes behind the barn to the sides of the fields. It leads to a small pond.”
“Have you ever been?” she asks after glancing at me. And my gut tells me she wants to know if I’ve been there with other girls.
“I sometimes go during a break at work. It’s peaceful.”
“Okay.” And then her smile turns into a teasing smile, the kind of smiles I want to feel under my lips. The kind that is full of possible promises. “You know if you’d have been there with someone else, it’d be okay. I know you’ve had a life.” She blushes. “Mine has been a bit different...”
We stroll behind the barn, past the fence, and take the path to the pond. The moonlight lights the way pretty clearly. Her hand is still in mine and I feel as tall as my giant shadow.
“What did you think when you first got on the compound?” My voice is low. She doesn’t stiffen but I still add, “If you don’t want to talk about it, I get it.”
“No, it’s fine. When Mom met Abram, I knew he was trouble. The way he always got mad, but also the way he talked about the Book. And how he’d been gathering people who wanted to be saved. I was barely a teenager, I tried to talk to Mom but it didn’t work.” She inhales deeply and leans a bit onto me as we continue walking. “Maybe if I had done research then. Maybe if I could have reached out to someone for help. A few months back I read an article in Psychology Today about dangerous cult leaders and they described Abram to a tee.” She pauses and raises a finger. “Demands blind unquestioned obedience? Check. Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an enemy? Check.” She glances down. “And those are just two of the many traits out of the list they printed. And he has all of them. He used to have sex with a different woman almost every week.”
She must feel me stiffen because she adds, “Not with me. He threatened...” Her voice cracks but doesn’t break. “He threatened, but never tried. In my mind I tell myself it’s because he knew that my mom wouldn’t let that happen. But he did humiliate every single one of us. He exploited our weaknesses and rewarded people when he felt they were behaving the proper way. He was charismatic, probably still is, and lifted you up with the Book of Love before destroying you with it, but then it was already too late. You had already done too much. You were already too far gone to go back.”
She clears her throat. And I don’t say anything, I let her talk. “The compound looked different than the trailer park we lived in—at first it looked better. We could run, we could play, and there were other kids there. But after a day, he told us the rules. Some people really adapted and followed him. He didn’t show them how much he was hurting us. Not at first.” She shivers as if lost in her memories and I wish I could take the pain away from her. “The branding was excruciating, but knowing Mom was putting us through it without blinking, it was a different kind of pain.” She clears her throat again. “Have you ever wondered if you matter? If your life matters? With Mom, I felt like she always struggled between her man of the moment and us. That she needed someone else to matter but that her kids weren’t enough.”
“When it came out my dad schemed all of those people out of their retirement money, I got mad. I asked him why he did it.” I rub the back of my neck with my left hand. “I told you at the hospital and I still haven’t made sense of it. At first he said he did it for us. That he wanted to make sure we had the life we deserved. I called bullshit on him. We had plenty of money before. He wanted more. Always more. But I think I got to realize that for him it’s not that he didn’t care what it would mean for us if he got caught. Or what it would mean for the people he screwed. He never thought he would fail. I don’t think it even registered he could fail.” It’s my turn to clear my throat. We walk in silence for a few moments. The music from the party is faint. The cotton candy and barbecue smells still waft in the air but it’s mixed with fall and hay. “I know I can fail. I’m always so worried ab
out failing. Part of me wants to prove I’m different. How noble is that to become a firefighter just to prove I can be better?” I can’t believe I voiced those thoughts. She doesn’t answer at first and my hand clams up.
“You’re still going out there saving people. And I don’t think it’s the only reason.” She doesn’t sound like she’s judging me.
“You think it’s about Jane Doe?” My voice is rougher. “I couldn’t save her. No matter how much I tried.”
Her fingers caress my palm, soothing me and lighting another fire inside of me, one that’s not made of fear and despair but of hunger and desire. “I think it’s about you being a hero at heart. You want to help people. You want to save people. You’re a good man, Hunter Harrington.” The pond lies on our side and the stars reflect on the water, but she has my entire attention. Her words soothe the wound I didn’t know was still festering in my heart.
My hand reaches up to her face. She doesn’t flinch, but instead leans into my palm. “You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to kiss you again since our date. How much I want to kiss you right now.”
Her eyes widen slightly but then her lips turn into the same teasing smile as earlier. She takes both of my hands in hers and pulls me forward. She gets on her toes and her lips brush mine. Lightly.
My left hand brings her closer to me, lying on the small of her back. Her vanilla scent is everywhere.
We stare at each other but don’t speak.
I hesitate for a second. And she tucks her fingers under my shirt. My skin burns at her touch. When our lips meet again, I grunt. She flattens her hands on my chest and I tease her, nibbling on her lower lip. She slightly opens her mouth and our tongues find one another like they’ve been wondering what has taken us so long. She melts into me and I hold her tight. My hands roam down her back, cup her ass, bringing her even closer. Not close enough.
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