“It’s funny, Nolan,” she whispered, moving her hands up and down his forearms. “After everything I was told today, I went back to my office. I was wishing I could just crawl into your arms and be held.” Her lips pursed and she looked away for a moment, trying to find the right words, because the concern burning in his eyes told her so much. She lifted her lashes, holding his narrowed gaze. “I’m not very good at choosing a man to be in my life. Farida and Hadii will confirm that I’m an abysmal failure. I’m torn about you. I want to run to you, but I’m afraid.”
There, the truth was out. She saw his tight mouth relax a little, his caresses continuing along her shoulders, sending soothing sensations throughout her.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Teren,” he began, his voice low. “You’re reeling right now. Anyone would be under these circumstances. I do care about you. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I was hired to protect you, and you were going to be just another PSD I was assigned to guard.” His voice changed; his hands stilled on her shoulders. “But you’re becoming much more than that to me. I didn’t walk in here expecting to be personally interested in you, but I am.” Fear ratcheted up inside him, but he pushed through it, because for the first time Teren was lowering those walls she hid behind so well; and he needed to come clean with her too.
“I never meant for this to happen, Teren, but it has. I realize we’re in a dynamic situation, and protecting you will always be my first order of business. It hurts me to see you suffer. I find myself wanting to do something to help you, to give you a little island of peace in this storm cycle we’re caught up in. I want to be there for you in whatever capacity you define. I won’t make a pass at you. I won’t place you in an uncomfortable situation with me. But because I can’t read your mind, I need to hear it from you first.”
Swallowing, she felt warmth flowing through her, lessening her fears. “I’m not very good at talking intimately to a man, I guess.”
His mouth crooked. “Well, with three big brothers probably hovering around you, keeping you safe from the big, bad world of boys growing up, it’s no wonder.”
She smiled faintly and nodded. “They were very protective of me. Too much so. And yes, they really made my growing up years very different from what most girls might experience without three guard dogs lording over them.”
Nolan saw her wry look, the soft corners of her mouth lifting a little. “Were you able to have a boyfriend? Go to dances?” he teased.
“When I’d go to a dance, which wasn’t often, my brothers were right there, and they threatened any boy who showed the least amount of interest in me. They chased them off.”
“You didn’t really have breathing room to find out about boys then?”
She shook her head. “No. Farida and Hadii told me a long time ago that my socialization skills, as they referred to it, got stunted early.” She gave Nolan an embarrassed look. “They said that because of my background, I wasn’t able to know a good man from a bad one. And they’re right, because my personal relationships from the time I was eighteen and left for college have been exactly like that, Nolan. I don’t trust myself with men anymore. I consistently make bad choices. That’s why I’m so hesitant with you.”
Nolan kept his expression bland. Teren had been guarded by her three brothers and it had made it impossible for her to learn, grow, and make normal mistakes through relationships. “I see. There’s no way for me to overcome that with you, Teren. All I can do is be honest with you, ask you a lot of questions, talk with you, and try to gain your trust.”
“And this is coming at the very worst of times, Nolan.” She lifted her hand, pushing strands away from her brow. “I wasn’t looking for a possible relationship.”
“Neither was I,” he admitted wryly. “But I get it.” He held her unsure stare. He could feel Teren wanting what he was offering her and at least now he knew why she was so hesitant. Her personal life had been an ongoing disaster, thanks to her helicopter brothers and parents smothering her attempts to grow up and mature, following her every move through high school, where kids just naturally grew, made mistakes, and learned from them. Teren hadn’t been given that opportunity. Nolan suspected her parents were probably even more protective than her brothers. They hadn’t gotten that way without parental molding, either.
“I’m drawn to you,” she said quietly. “You do make me feel safe, Nolan. Oh, I know it’s your job and you do it well, but this goes beyond that. From the moment I met you at the airport, I felt…well…this wonderful sensation. It made me feel so secure and safe.” She frowned, searching his eyes. “And it came from you. I know it did. And you didn’t even know me, but from the moment our eyes met, I felt this warm blanket of protection wrap around me. There’s no other way to describe it.”
Nodding, he felt her confusion. “I don’t think you realize just how beautiful you are, Teren. When I saw you standing in that airport in your white tob, you looked like a flower among hundreds of men rushing back and forth. You have no idea how fresh, how pretty and desirable, you were to me.”
“Was that why I had that feeling then, Nolan? That warmth wrapping around me?”
“I guess so. I mean, I didn’t consciously know it happened, Teren. But from the moment I laid eyes on you, I felt this incredible connection with you.”
“Does it always happen to you?”
Shaking his head, he muttered, “No, it’s never happened before. Not like this.”
“I like it. It helps me feel better, Nolan. Honestly, I feel like someone just threw me over a cliff and I’m in free fall.” Her voice broke. “I’m not very tough in some ways. In others, I am. I’m super-sensitive about everything. I don’t take emotional blows very well. And you walking into my life right now feels like an oasis in a desert with a dust storm approaching. You make me feel safe, whether you know it or not.”
“That’s all good,” Nolan rasped, forcing himself to keep his hands where they were. He felt his heart opening wide to Teren, felt the need to do so much more for her, but she had to define those boundaries for him. “Look, you have another decision to make here. A security contractor isn’t supposed to get personal with the person he’s guarding. And I have. You need to know you can ask for me to be replaced. I can call Wyatt and ask for another contractor to guard you. If I make you feel threatened or uncomfortable in any way—you will have to replace me.”
“No! You do just the opposite for me, Nolan. I don’t want another bodyguard—ever.”
“Tell me what makes you feel comfortable around me, then. How can I help you, Teren? And be specific.” Her eyes widened, the black pupils enlarging. Groaning inwardly as her lips parted, all Nolan wanted to do was pick her up in his arms, carry her to his duplex, and love her. But that was sexual, not necessarily the emotions Teren needed. He doubted she felt any sexual hunger, given what she’d been told a while ago. She was in shock—she wasn’t in heat.
“I like the idea of having dinner with you,” she began hesitantly. “And keeping the door open between our duplexes. I like you touching me like this. I’m starving for that connection from you, because when you touch me, it makes me feel better, more stable. My world has blown up on me, Nolan. I’m just a civilian. I’m not military or trained in that way. I’m committed to this place, heart and soul. I don’t dream of anything else, because I’m fulfilling my dream every day here at Kitra. I love what I do and I know I make a difference.”
“You are a very necessary part of why Kitra is so successful, Teren,” he agreed. Nolan was relieved that she wasn’t leaning into him, that their hips weren’t fused with one another.
She was gun-shy and with good reason, now that he understood some of her past. Still, Nolan knew they felt a mutual intimacy, which was a good start. If he told Teren his dreams of them together, it would probably shock the hell out of her, and she’d already had her fair share of shocks today. He didn’t need to add to them. Instead, Nolan would keep how he felt about Teren his secret. They had this mess with
Uzan to get past first. Everything between them was tentative. Nothing was written in stone.
Teren was right: she was in free fall. All he could do was fall with her. Nolan couldn’t stop Uzan from stalking her. All he could do was be there to protect her if the soldier made an attempt to take her life or kidnap her.
“We’ve met at a very awkward time, Nolan.”
“Yeah, that’s occurred to me more than once.”
She smiled a little, moving her fingers up and down the sleeve of his light cotton safari jacket. “Farida and Hadii think you’re a good man. That you’re right for me.”
He cocked his head, surprised. “What do you think? That’s more important to me, Teren.”
“I feel drawn to you but I keep resisting it because of my less-than-glorious past.”
“Have you ever been drawn to a man like this before?”
Shaking her head, Teren said, “No. Not ever. It’s new to be powerfully attracted to a man.” And then she searched his eyes, which were a deeper blue, seeing the yearning for her in them. “You’re different from the rest of them. And I know you were sent here to do a job. It really wasn’t about us on a personal basis. This is all so crazy.”
“Then,” he offered, releasing her, urging her to walk beside him, “let’s take this an hour, a day, at a time. Whatever is there, if it’s real, Teren, it will naturally unfold between us. And right now, your life is on the line, so my first priority is keeping you safe, not courting you, as much as I’d like to.”
She met his very male look, saw the truth in his eyes. “I can’t see beyond what’s happening right now,” she admitted. “But it’s lovely to have you here and I’m actually beginning to trust you.”
Those were the words he needed to hear more than any other. Smiling, he walked at her side, their hands sometimes brushing against one another. “And that’s the most important thing we can share between us right now, Teren. If you trust me, it can mean the difference between you living and dying. I don’t mean to put it so dramatically, but it’s the cold, hard truth. If I tell you to run a certain way or drop to the ground, you need to trust me and instantly do what I ask.”
“I will,” she whispered. They walked from beneath the shade, back into the late afternoon sunlight still stretching across the grasslands that surrounded Kitra. “I’d be too frightened not to.”
“You will be. It’s a natural reaction. But you need to move beyond that fear and listen to what I’m telling you to do. If you can do that”—Nolan gazed down into those incredible dove-gray eyes of hers, now filled with less anxiety—“then you’ll live.”
“I still feel like I’m in some weird other dimension, Nolan.”
“I know you do.”
“And sometimes I wonder if you’re real.”
He grinned a little. “Oh, I’m very real, all right.”
“I’m glad Wyatt assigned you to protect me. I don’t want you replaced. Promise me you’ll stay?”
“I’ll stay,” he growled, giving her a heated look, wanting her to realize that she was a helluva lot more to him than just his PSD. Teren seemed at peace now, walking close to him. Nolan knew that as good as Ayman and his well-trained soldiers were, Kitra was not impregnable. The right terrorist with the right experience and training could easily come over the red wall that enclosed Kitra. He would become a stealthy hyena loose among unsuspecting prey.
The air was alive with the smell of spices and food cooking. He heard children shrieking with laughter now and then. All the families of Kitra were preparing dinner. Nolan knew from being in Sudan that food wasn’t a guaranteed thing for any tribe or village. The women survivors who lived here with their children must have thought that Kitra was a dream come true. To have enough food to fill a belly daily in this country was not normal. And in western Sudan, where he’d operated most of the time, Nolan had seen starvation daily. It was gut-wrenching, but at least the Delos charities were doing something to ease this terrible situation. It was a drop in the bucket, he realized, because thousands died yearly from lack of food. This was a harsh third-world country that took no prisoners, and starving people were always desperate to survive. That was why he would always be fully alert, even within the walls of Kitra. Starvation made companions of people like Uzan who prowled among them with money to assure them that they wouldn’t die.
And more than anything, Nolan wanted this woman to survive this plot and coming attack. He knew the odds weren’t good and they were stacked against Teren. He knew it because he’d performed too many PSDs over the years as a Delta Force operator. There was no way he was going to tell Teren any of the possible outcomes. He’d just started gaining her trust. That was a huge step forward for them to be a good, working team. And maybe his ability to reach out personally, man to woman, had fused that bridge between them. Nolan wouldn’t allow himself to dream of a future with Teren. He was too much of a pragmatist in this dark world he worked within. She just had to survive this. And so did he. Then a life with Teren would look a lot more possible than it did today.
CHAPTER 11
Nolan unlocked the door to Teren’s duplex and she dutifully stepped back, as he’d trained her to do. She knew the drill now: move off to one side and let him clear the duplex for her. Nolan did just that, pulling the Glock from beneath his jacket and silently moving inside.
Teren felt an immediate shift within Nolan: he was now a focused predator on the hunt. It was quite a change from his usual approach to her, as a soft-spoken, gentle protector. In fact, his ability to handle her moods was something she’d never experienced from a man before.
Since Teren had come to Kitra, Ayman, Ameer, and Abit had treated her like a beloved adopted daughter, and for the first time in her life, Teren had been lavished with love and kindness from men. The difference between her own father and her Sudanese friends had been life-changing and eye-opening for Teren. Whether they knew it or not, they had helped her to heal too. She was no longer fearful of men because of their love, respect, and kindness toward her.
But she’d had no American friend to discuss her discoveries with until now. Nolan encouraged her to share with him, because he cared. He listened with real interest to whatever she said, unlike her family, who tended to dismiss her observations, questions, and chatter.
“It’s all clear in here,” Nolan now told her. “Come on in.”
Teren nodded and shut the door behind her, locking it and appreciating the cool air, thanks to her air conditioner. She saw that her kitchen table had been set earlier by Nolan and she smiled gratefully. “You’ve been busy.”
Nolan kept the Glock in his hand as he moved toward his duplex. “A little. I’ll be right back.”
A new sense of peace descended on Teren as she went to her bedroom and changed into a pair of comfortable blue terry-cloth shorts and a sleeveless white cotton tank top. She removed her tortoiseshell comb, her hair tumbled down, and she brushed it until it had a soft, burnished look in her dresser mirror. Nolan had asked her to keep the curtains closed over the locked windows in every room, and she missed the light but understood his reasoning. Threading strong, clean strands between her fingers, she glanced at herself in the mirror. No longer was she as pale-looking as when she got today’s difficult news and the shadows had dissolved from beneath her eyes. There was a hue of pink across her cheeks, and she knew it was because of Nolan’s concern and caring toward her.
Sighing, Teren frowned, slipping on her sandals. It wouldn’t last. Even if this crisis was settled, Nolan would have to leave her for another assignment somewhere else in the world. And then she’d be without him in her life. She tried not to consider that scenario. The question was: how could she withhold her feelings for him? Teren didn’t think it was possible. Every day the longing for this man grew within her, taking root in her wounded, wary heart, healing her pain from the past. Nolan had given her hope—unlike the men she’d known before. He was one of a kind.
Pensive, Teren walked out into her kitchen and
saw Nolan enter her home. Like her, he’d changed, wearing a pair of jeans and a muscle shirt that showed off his impressive upper body. She tried not to stare at him, but maybe she’d become a female cheetah in heat, just as her women friends had described would happen when she met the ‘right’ man.
Her body felt a power surge whenever he was close to her. Teren was amazed that one human being could sexually influence another so profoundly.
Nolan walked over to the stove, where he had placed a small pot with a lid on it. “I made us a small salad,” he told her, pointing toward the refrigerator. “And I got lucky. Nafeesa was in the middle of making chicken broth for a Sudanese soup and I persuaded her to make you some chicken noodle soup. I figured that was pretty light and might sit well in your stomach.” He took the lid off and the steam rose, spicy and fragrant.
“That sounds perfect, Nolan. Thank you. I’ll have to thank Nafeesa tomorrow morning. I’m sure American chicken soup wasn’t something she was used to making.” She opened the refrigerator and saw two small salad bowls wrapped in plastic. She appreciated that Nolan had sealed the greens to keep them fresh. The man didn’t miss a thing.
Nolan chuckled a little, stirring the soup with a wooden spoon. “I told her and she gathered all the ingredients and then made it for you.”
“Did she taste the final product? How did she like it?”
“Yeah, she did. She’d never thought about putting egg noodles into a soup before and really liked the idea. I think she might make a huge pot of it for lunch someday soon for everyone to try.”
“We’re Americanizing them, Nolan,” Teren said, smiling, as she took the plastic wrap off the salads and set them on the table.
Sanctuary: Delos Series, Book 9 Page 13