by Mandy Harbin
“You should frame that,” Viola said from behind her, drawing her out of her thoughts. Shelby looked over her shoulder at the woman. Her eyes were still haunted, her skin pale, her body thinner than it had been before she’d learned the truth about her husband. Things Shelby didn’t point out. She knew Viola was aware, but she also knew her friend would bounce back. She was going through a different type of mourning—the death of her marriage—and when she reached that stage of grief where she learned to accept what was happening in her life, she’d grab it by the balls again and steer it in the direction she wanted. That was how Viola was.
Shelby looked at the get-well card she’d gotten while in the hospital. It had come with the roses Mason had sent her.
She still had those, too, couldn’t bring herself to throw them out. They were over a month old, dead and brittle, a metaphor of their relationship. Still he’d given them to her. The card attached had simply stated, “Get well soon. Love, Mason.” She’d traced over the L-word so many times the card was browning in that spot. It was a common salutation among people who were close. She knew better than to read anything into it. But logic didn’t always dictate one’s actions.
“Maybe I will,” she said, tossing it onto the kitchen table. The flowers were in her room, hiding like she’d been doing.
Viola sat at the chair across from her. “I found an apartment.”
Shelby sighed. “You know there’s no rush. I might not show it very well, but I like the company.”
She nodded. “I know, but it’s time. The divorce papers were filed two weeks ago, and he’s already filed his response, not contesting anything. He’s agreed to refinance the house in his name and use the equity to pay off our bills.”
“Are you sure you want to give up your house?”
“Yeah. Too many memories. I need a fresh start. Besides, the apartment doesn’t allow pets, which will keep me from adopting a bunch of cats. I’ve been finding them too adorable lately, and if I kept the house, it’d be filled with them.”
Shelby chuckled. “I wouldn’t let you turn into a cat lady. I’d make you draw the line at two.”
“A true friend.” Viola’s smile was short-lived, but it was a start.
She hadn’t told Viola she liked her being here. She didn’t want her to feel obligated to hang around longer than she wanted, but Shelby did like the company. After everything that happened, she felt confused, lost, and having someone around helped her from drowning in her sorrow. Okay, she’d been dog paddling in it for weeks, but she’d stayed afloat because Viola had been here.
“You know. You’re my best friend,” Shelby told her. Viola’s eyes twinkled as she smiled again.
“Is that because your brother doesn’t count?” she asked with a smile, and Shelby noticed a subject-change when she saw it. “That hunk of a man can come visit you anytime he wants.”
Axle had stayed with her the first few nights she was out of the hospital, but he’d gotten called in on assignment. If Viola hadn’t been here to watch her, she was sure he’d defied orders to stay by her side.
“He’s too bossy to count.” Shelby shrugged and got back to what she’d been trying to say. “If you get this apartment you’re looking at, I want to hang out more. I think I’m going to demand it, actually,” she teased.
Viola snorted. “I might be able to accommodate you.”
“No might about it, girl. If I have to lure you out under the pretense of adopting kittens, I will.”
“Oh, that’s evil.” They both chuckled. “Does that mean you’re not moving to Mayflower and starting a new life there?”
Shelby chewed her lip. The idea held more appeal than she wanted to admit. Her phone buzzing saved her from having to answer, though. “Ah, it’s my brother.” She’d already had a missed call from him earlier.
Viola smirked and got up.
“Hello?”
“It’s about time you picked up.”
“Hey, I tried calling you yesterday.” She rolled her eyes and leaned back. “And I’m allowed to shower without taking my phone into the bathroom. How was your mission?”
He grunted. “I can’t talk about that. What’s the deal with Showalter?”
“I’m doing okay, by the way,” she grumbled, since he hadn’t started off by asking something related to her injury.
“Shelby, answer the question. What’s going on with Showalter?”
“Um, what do you mean?” she hedged.
“Don’t play coy with me. When I was there, the man lorded over you like a hired bodyguard, and you were too drugged up for me to get the story.”
She hadn’t seen Mason since the day she’d been shot. Viola later told her that he’d stayed at the hospital that first week, often sitting by her side when she’d been heavily medicated and sleeping, but once he was convinced she’d make a full recovery, he’d left. He hadn’t tried contacting her either, and she knew better than to reach out to him.
“I’m still on medication.” It was the truth, but she wasn’t on an IV drip anymore. “And you expect me to believe you haven’t already dug into him?”
“Your FBI team didn’t tell me dick. Hid behind red tape.”
“And of course you didn’t try other avenues.”
He sighed. “I spoke to Hunter Anderson, former mafia and current member of a mercenary group the feds had you infiltrate before putting you undercover at a sex club. Jesus Christ, Shelby.”
She winced. “The mercenaries worked for the government. They’re good guys—”
“Oh, I bet. It’s why they hide behind a car shop.”
She wasn’t surprised he got the information from one of the guys from the garage, although why it was Hunter, she didn’t know. She figured Bear would’ve been the one to update him. Not that it mattered. “Axle, I’m not going to dog those men. They’re great guys. Hearts of gold. And loyal to a fault. That’s more than I can say about everyone on my other team.” Because she was part of the Bang Shift now. Maybe not on their payroll, but the bond was there.
“I’m sorry about your friend, Darrell, but if he wasn’t already dead, he would be.”
“I know. But you would’ve had to have gotten in line to take him out.”
“That’s cute you think so.”
She scoffed, but she also knew he’d have done whatever necessary to keep her safe.
“He’s not just an informant,” Axle said, no longer talking about Darrell, and not really asking.
“No,” she answered anyway. “But it’s a mess, and I’m not ready to go into it all.”
“Did he hurt you?” Axle asked in that deadly calm voice of his.
“It’s the other way around. I’m still coming to terms with everything, and that includes what I did to Mason.”
“Mason,” he muttered.
“Yeah, Mason. In fact, he’s the reason I called you last night.”
“Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?”
Instead of answering him, she said, “He has a brother. Name’s Caleb Showalter. When I was, er, working on the case, he said his brother was dead, but our records indicated he’s a POW. Now, we didn’t talk about families back then, and I haven’t talked to him since I was shot. He could’ve just said that so he didn’t have to go into the long explanation. It could be nothing, but I’d like for you to see what you can find out.”
“You’re with the FBI, Shel. You have more clearance than I do.”
“That’s not true. You’re much more important in the military than I am to the government. Besides, the military protects its own. If it’s nothing, you’d be able to find that out much easier than I could. If there’s a cover up or something, I don’t know, more to this…you’d be able to figure that out, too.”
“Why?”
“Because I owe him.”
“You don’t owe him shit. You had a job to do.”
“If I wanted to hear the same thing I’ve heard a hundred times already, I would’ve called my boss, not
my brother.”
“Do you think it’ll make a difference? Whatever happened between you two, do you think it’ll change anything?”
“No, and I wouldn’t want it to.” She sighed. “If his brother is still alive, I want him to know, but that doesn’t mean I’d go running to tell him. I don’t care how he learns the truth, just that he knows it. It’s the least I can do.” She took a deep breath to continue, but gasped at the pain.
“Damn it, Shelby.” She wasn’t sure if he was talking about her request or the sound she’d just made.
“Just look into it. That’s all I’m asking.” The doorbell rang then. “I gotta go.”
“I’ll get it,” Viola called out. “Go back to guilt-tripping your brother while secretly mooning over your card.”
She was going to kill her.
“What did she say?” he asked.
“Nothing. Love you, bub.”
“Love you, too, sis.”
Shelby hung up and yelled, “It better not be a kitty delivery. The pet deposit here is outrageous.”
She heard Viola’s giggle, and her heart felt lighter. Partly for Viola, since it seemed her friend may be testing that stage of acceptance already. The other part was probably because of her brother and his willingness to help with Mason. Axle hadn’t said he’d do it, but she knew her brother.
Soft voices filtered into the kitchen, so Shelby got up, put her glass in the sink, and headed to the living room to see who was here.
She didn’t make it past the doorway.
“Mason,” she breathed. His gaze left Viola’s to find hers.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Hi, Shelby.”
“I…” What was he doing here?
“I was just telling Viola to stop trying to find excuses as to why she should pay me back.” He looked at Viola again. “It’s not happening.”
“Oh. You came to talk to her.” Shelby’s already pounding heart seized.
He cocked his head to the side. “No, I came to talk to you. This one here is just using the opportunity to convince me again.”
“It’s not right,” Viola said, fisting her hands.
“No, it’s not,” Mason agreed. “It’s not right what Dave put you through, and I have no intention of making you pay for his mistakes.” He licked his lips and looked at Shelby again. “Can we talk?”
Viola sighed. “I was just going to the grocery store.” She grabbed her purse and car keys and reached for the door.
Shelby couldn’t resist one more barb. “Stay away from the cat food.”
Viola laughed as she left.
“Do I want to know what that’s about?” Mason asked with a crooked smile.
“Just doing my part to keep her from turning into the stereotypical spinster cat lady.
“Ahh.” He nodded.
They stood there, looking at each other, the silence thickening.
Shelby cleared her throat. “Sorry. Would you like something to drink?” She motioned for the couch, feeling like a completely inept hostess, and an emotional hot mess.
“No, but thank you,” he said, sitting on the couch. She still stood in the doorway of the kitchen, knees locked, unsure of what to do. He patted on the spot beside him, making the decision for her. “Come here, Shelby.” The authority in his voice had her moving before he delivered the command to go to him.
Now seated beside him, she couldn’t stop herself from mentally cataloging all his features again, the flecks of gold in his brown eyes, the sexy wave of his hair at his forehead, the intoxicating cologne he sometimes wore. She should ask him the brand, so she could buy a case of the stuff. It would help her remember him when he was gone.
He took her sweaty hand into his, his thumb caressing her skin. “How are you healing?”
She swallowed and wondered how to best answer that.
The truth. She doubted she’d see him very often, if at all, but she’d decided he’d always get the truth from her now.
“According to the doctors, I’m healing at the normal rate. I can take deep breaths without sharp pains now, but I still ache. They won’t release me back to work until I’ve completely healed.” She shrugged and looked away, emotions coming to the surface, feelings she’d kept from everybody since the shooting. “If I decide to go back,” she whispered. She hadn’t even told Viola her thoughts about quitting.
Mason touched her chin and guided her gaze back to his. “What do you mean?” he asked softly.
“I—” She blew out a calming breath to get a stranglehold on her emotions. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him. “I’m not sure I want to be an agent anymore.” It had been on the tip of her tongue to tell Viola that earlier when she’d asked about Mayflower.
“Why?”
Even though she was facing him, she couldn’t look into his eyes. She focused on the ceiling instead. “I don’t know about anything anymore. I trusted Darrell with my life and he—” She blinked several times, forcing the tears back. When she felt somewhat in control, she looked at Mason again. “I feel lost. I don’t know any other way to explain it.”
It wasn’t just what Darrell had done to her. It was how the bureau used her—putting her into an impossible situation on one hand, and lying to her on the other. She also felt lost when it came to Mason, though she didn’t want to go into those details.
“That’s understandable. I think that’s a normal reaction when someone you care about breaks your trust.”
Her eyes shut, blocking out his pain, but a single tear escaped anyway. He swiped it away.
“I’m so sorry,” she breathed. “I didn’t…I mean…”
“Look at me.” When she did, he put his hand back on her cheek and caressed her face. “I’m sorry, too. I confronted you out of anger, used the trust you had in me to exact punishment. That was uncalled for.”
“Please don’t take any blame for that. You were angry.”
“I was fucking furious.” He narrowed his eyes.
“As you should be,” she whispered. He had every right to feel the way he did. She did not begrudge him that.
“I was, but I’m not now.” She gaped at him. How could that be? Maybe he was at his own stage of acceptance like Viola was discovering. Shelby wasn’t there yet. Her life was a mess, and she didn’t have anyone to blame but herself…and depending on who she asked, she had no blame to harbor. She had a job to do, like her brother had just told her and like Rick had said several times, reminding her of the professional she was. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things the last month, and what I keep coming back to is the fact I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’ve taken the time I needed to accept what has happened.”
She stared at him, dumbfounded.
“There are still some things I need to work out, but I’d like your help answering the questions that have been plaguing me.”
“You can ask me anything you want.” She knew she should show more discretion, but she didn’t care.
“Have you ever been topped before?”
She blinked a few times, processing his question. This wasn’t the direction she’d anticipated this conversation going. Slowly shaking her head, she said, “No. You were my first.”
“Did you like it?”
“Yes.” When she’d parsed out all the reasons why she’d been set on this path and all of the emotion that evolved, looking only at what she experienced sexually, she knew at the core it had been a freeing experience.
He seemed to mull that over. “Is it something you want to continue?”
With him? The thought slammed into her. This was a scenario she hadn’t allowed herself to even think about. Was he specifically asking about the two of them or was this more of a hypothetical question? She couldn’t be sure. She settled on the truth again without staking any claims. “I’ve thought a lot about it.”
He smiled. “Avoiding the question, pet?”
Her heart skittered at the endearment. “No, Sir.
It’s one of the many things I’ve felt lost about.”
“I see. Well, you were…are…a lovely submissive. As much as I’ve tried putting you out of my mind, I just can’t. I find myself not wanting to try anymore. Where does that leave us?” he asked softly.
“I don’t know.” That response felt so inadequate.
“I guess what I need to know is if things were real for you. You know they were for me, Shelby. But I also know you were assigned to act a certain way. Was it all just a job for you? If I was, you can tell me. I think I’m ready to hear that answer.”
She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t just a job for me,” she murmured.
The breath he let out was long. “Okay then. When you’re ready, I’d like to start over.”
“What does that mean?” she asked slowly. Was he offering to redo her scenes, letting her explore the lifestyle without the cloak of her job? Or was he suggesting they try a real relationship? She would not assume anything.
“It means,” he said softly. “That I love you.”
She gasped as the tears she’d been fighting since he’d arrived rushed out. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her back, carefully avoiding her healing wound. “I don’t expect you to love me back. Not yet. Who knows, maybe too much as happened between us. All I’m saying is I want to try, see if we can make it work, starting with a new foundation.”
Shelby pulled away. “I-I—”
“Shhh.” He placed a finger over her lips. “Don’t say anything. Take some time to think about it.” He pulled away and fished in his pocket, retrieving a key. He placed it in her hand and closed her fingers around it. “I’m taking an extended vacation. I’ve decided I needed more relaxation and less time working in my life. I’ll be back in a few weeks, but if you decide you need to get some fresh air, you can join me at any time. No pressure.”
She was too shocked to say anything.
He chuckled. “I could always blackmail Viola into making you come to the island. I have a feeling she’d be willing to do anything I asked to square away the debt she believes she owes.” His smile ended on a sigh, humor leaving. “But I don’t want any more trickery around us. No matter how tempting the idea is to me.”