Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

“Because you interfere with my pleasures,” cried James, “which I have told you long ago I would not submit to. It is enough for fond couples to have these scenes together. I thought we had been upon a better footing, and had cared too little for each other to become mutual plagues. I thought you had been satisfied with the full liberty of doing what you pleased.”

  “So I am; I defy you to say I have ever given you any uneasiness.”

  “How!” cries he; “have you not just now upbraided me with what you heard at the masquerade?”

  “I own,” said she, “to be insulted by such a creature to my face stung me to the soul. I must have had no spirit to bear the insults of such an animal. Nay, she spoke of you with equal contempt. Whoever she is, I promise you Mr. Booth is her favourite. But, indeed, she is unworthy any one’s regard, for she behaved like an arrant dragoon.”

  “Hang her!” cries the colonel, “I know nothing of her.”

  “Well, but, Mr. James, I am sure you will not send me into the country. Indeed I will not go into the country.”

  “If you was a reasonable woman,” cries James, “perhaps I should not desire it. And on one consideration— “

  “Come, name your consideration,” said she.

  “Let me first experience your discernment,” said he. “Come, Molly, let me try your judgment. Can you guess at any woman of your acquaintance that I like?”

  “Sure,” said she, “it cannot be Mrs. Booth!”

  “And why not Mrs. Booth?” answered he. “Is she not the finest woman in the world?”

  “Very far from it,” replied she, “in my opinion.”

  “Pray what faults,” said he, “can you find in her?”

  “In the first place,” cries Mrs. James, “her eyes are too large; and she hath a look with them that I don’t know how to describe; but I know I don’t like it. Then her eyebrows are too large; therefore, indeed, she doth all in her power to remedy this with her pincers; for if it was not for those her eyebrows would be preposterous. Then her nose, as well proportioned as it is, has a visible scar on one side. Her neck, likewise, is too protuberant for the genteel size, especially as she laces herself; for no woman, in my opinion, can be genteel who is not entirely flat before. And, lastly, she is both too short and too tall. Well, you may laugh, Mr. James, I know what I mean, though I cannot well express it: I mean that she is too tall for a pretty woman and too short for a fine woman. There is such a thing as a kind of insipid medium — a kind of something that is neither one thing nor another. I know not how to express it more clearly; but when I say such a one is a pretty woman, a pretty thing, a pretty creature, you know very well I mean a little woman; and when I say such a one is a very fine woman, a very fine person of a woman, to be sure I must mean a tall woman. Now a woman that is between both is certainly neither the one nor the other.”

  “Well, I own,” said he, “you have explained yourself with great dexterity; but, with all these imperfections, I cannot help liking her.”

  “That you need not tell me, Mr. James,” answered the lady, “for that I knew before you desired me to invite her to your house. And nevertheless, did not I, like an obedient wife, comply with your desires? did I make any objection to the party you proposed for the masquerade, though I knew very well your motive? what can the best of wives do more? to procure you success is not in my power; and, if I may give you my opinion, I believe you will never succeed with her.”

  “Is her virtue so very impregnable?” said he, with a sneer.

  “Her virtue,” answered Mrs. James, “hath the best guard in the world, which is a most violent love for her husband.”

  “All pretence and affectation,” cries the colonel. “It is impossible she should have so little taste, or indeed so little delicacy, as to like such a fellow.”

  “Nay, I do not much like him myself,” said she. “He is not indeed at all such a sort of man as I should like; but I thought he had been generally allowed to be handsome.”

  “He handsome!” cries James. “What, with a nose like the proboscis of an elephant, with the shoulders of a porter, and the legs of a chairman? The fellow hath not in the least the look of a gentleman, and one would rather think he had followed the plough than the camp all his life.”

  “Nay, now I protest,” said she, “I think you do him injustice. He is genteel enough in my opinion. It is true, indeed, he is not quite of the most delicate make; but, whatever he is, I am convinced she thinks him the finest man in the world.”

  “I cannot believe it,” answered he peevishly; “but will you invite her to dinner here to-morrow?”

  “With all my heart, and as often as you please,” answered she. “But I have some favours to ask of you. First, I must hear no more of going out of town till I please.”

  “Very well,” cries he.

  “In the next place,” said she, “I must have two hundred guineas within these two or three days.”

  “Well, I agree to that too,” answered he.

  “And when I do go out of town, I go to Tunbridge — I insist upon that; and from Tunbridge I go to Bath — positively to Bath. And I promise you faithfully I will do all in my power to carry Mrs. Booth with me.”

  “On that condition,” answered he, “I promise you you shall go wherever you please. And, to shew you, I will even prevent your wishes by my generosity; as soon as I receive the five thousand pounds which I am going to take up on one of my estates, you shall have two hundred more.”

  She thanked him with a low curtesie; and he was in such good humour that he offered to kiss her. To this kiss she coldly turned her cheek, and then, flirting her fan, said, “Mr. James, there is one thing I forgot to mention to you — I think you intended to get a commission in some regiment abroad for this young man. Now if you would take my advice, I know this will not oblige his wife; and, besides, I am positive she resolves to go with him. But, if you can provide for him in some regiment at home, I know she will dearly love you for it, and when he is ordered to quarters she will be left behind; and Yorkshire or Scotland, I think, is as good a distance as either of the Indies.”

  “Well, I will do what I can,” answered James; “but I cannot ask anything yet; for I got two places of a hundred a year each for two of my footmen, within this fortnight.”

  At this instant a violent knock at the door signified the arrival of their company, upon which both husband and wife put on their best looks to receive their guests; and, from their behaviour to each other during the rest of the day, a stranger might have concluded he had been in company with the fondest couple in the universe.

  CHAPTER II.

  Matters political.

  Before we return to Booth we will relate a scene in which Dr Harrison was concerned.

  This good man, whilst in the country, happened to be in the neighbourhood of a nobleman of his acquaintance, and whom he knew to have very considerable interest with the ministers at that time.

  The doctor, who was very well known to this nobleman, took this opportunity of paying him a visit in order to recommend poor Booth to his favour. Nor did he much doubt of his success, the favour he was to ask being a very small one, and to which he thought the service of Booth gave him so just a title.

  The doctor’s name soon gained him an admission to the presence of this great man, who, indeed, received him with much courtesy and politeness; not so much, perhaps, from any particular regard to the sacred function, nor from any respect to the doctor’s personal merit, as from some considerations which the reader will perhaps guess anon. After many ceremonials, and some previous discourse on different subjects, the doctor opened the business, and told the great man that he was come to him to solicit a favour for a young gentleman who had been an officer in the army and was now on half-pay. “All the favour I ask, my lord,” said he, “is, that this gentleman may be again admitted ad eundem. I am convinced your lordship will do me the justice to think I would not ask for a worthless person; but, indeed, the young man I mean hath very extraordinary mer
it. He was at the siege of Gibraltar, in which he behaved with distinguished bravery, and was dangerously wounded at two several times in the service of his country. I will add that he is at present in great necessity, and hath a wife and several children, for whom he hath no other means of providing; and, if it will recommend him farther to your lordship’s favour, his wife, I believe, is one of the best and worthiest of all her sex.”

  “As to that, my dear doctor,” cries the nobleman, “I shall make no doubt. Indeed any service I shall do the gentleman will be upon your account. As to necessity, it is the plea of so many that it is impossible to serve them all. And with regard to the personal merit of these inferior officers, I believe I need not tell you that it is very little regarded. But if you recommend him, let the person be what he will, I am convinced it will be done; for I know it is in your power at present to ask for a greater matter than this.”

  “I depend entirely upon your lordship,” answered the doctor.

  “Indeed, my worthy friend,” replied the lord, “I will not take a merit to myself which will so little belong to me. You are to depend on yourself. It falls out very luckily too at this time, when you have it in your power so greatly to oblige us.”

  “What, my lord, is in my power?” cries the doctor.

  “You certainly know,” answered his lordship, “how hard Colonel Trompington is run at your town in the election of a mayor; they tell me it will be a very near thing unless you join us. But we know it is in your power to do the business, and turn the scale. I heard your name mentioned the other day on that account, and I know you may have anything in reason if you will give us your interest.”

  “Sure, my lord,” cries the doctor, “you are not in earnest in asking my interest for the colonel?”

  “Indeed I am,” answered the peer; “why should you doubt it?”

  “For many reasons,” answered the doctor. “First, I am an old friend and acquaintance of Mr. Fairfield, as your lordship, I believe, very well knows. The little interest, therefore, that I have, you may be assured, will go in his favour. Indeed, I do not concern myself deeply in these affairs, for I do not think it becomes my cloth so to do. But, as far as I think it decent to interest myself, it will certainly be on the side of Mr. Fairfield. Indeed, I should do so if I was acquainted with both the gentlemen only by reputation; the one being a neighbouring gentleman of a very large estate, a very sober and sensible man, of known probity and attachment to the true interest of his country; the other is a mere stranger, a boy, a soldier of fortune, and, as far as I can discern from the little conversation I have had with him, of a very shallow capacity, and no education.”

  “No education, my dear friend!” cries the nobleman. “Why, he hath been educated in half the courts of Europe.”

  “Perhaps so, my lord,” answered the doctor; “but I shall always be so great a pedant as to call a man of no learning a man of no education. And, from my own knowledge, I can aver that I am persuaded there is scarce a foot-soldier in the army who is more illiterate than the colonel.”

  “Why, as to Latin and Greek, you know,” replied the lord, “they are not much required in the army.”

  “It may be so,” said the doctor. “Then let such persons keep to their own profession. It is a very low civil capacity indeed for which an illiterate man can be qualified. And, to speak a plain truth, if your lordship is a friend to the colonel, you would do well to advise him to decline an attempt in which I am certain he hath no probability of success.”

  “Well, sir,” said the lord, “if you are resolved against us, I must deal as freely with you, and tell you plainly I cannot serve you in your affair. Nay, it will be the best thing I can do to hold my tongue; for, if I should mention his name with your recommendation after what you have said, he would perhaps never get provided for as long as he lives.”

  “Is his own merit, then, my lord, no recommendation?” cries the doctor.

  “My dear, dear sir,” cries the other, “what is the merit of a subaltern officer?”

  “Surely, my lord,” cries the doctor, “it is the merit which should recommend him to the post of a subaltern officer. And it is a merit which will hereafter qualify him to serve his country in a higher capacity. And I do assure of this young man, that he hath not only a good heart but a good head too. And I have been told by those who are judges that he is, for his age, an excellent officer.”

  “Very probably!” cries my lord. “And there are abundance with the same merit and the same qualifications who want a morsel of bread for themselves and their families.”

  “It is an infamous scandal on the nation,” cries the doctor; “and I am heartily sorry it can be said even with a colour of truth.”

  “How can it be otherwise?” says the peer. “Do you think it is possible to provide for all men of merit?”

  “Yes, surely do I,” said the doctor; “and very easily too.”

  “How, pray?” cries the lord. “Upon my word, I shall be glad to know.”

  “Only by not providing for those who have none. The men of merit in any capacity are not, I am afraid, so extremely numerous that we need starve any of them, unless we wickedly suffer a set of worthless fellows to eat their bread.”

  “This is all mere Utopia,” cries his lordship; “the chimerical system of Plato’s commonwealth, with which we amused ourselves at the university; politics which are inconsistent with the state of human affairs.”

  “Sure, my lord,” cries the doctor, “we have read of states where such doctrines have been put in practice. What is your lordship’s opinion of Rome in the earlier ages of the commonwealth, of Sparta, and even of Athens itself in some periods of its history?”

  “Indeed, doctor,” cries the lord, “all these notions are obsolete and long since exploded. To apply maxims of government drawn from the Greek and Roman histories to this nation is absurd and impossible. But, if you will have Roman examples, fetch them from those times of the republic that were most like our own. Do you not know, doctor, that this is as corrupt a nation as ever existed under the sun? And would you think of governing such a people by the strict principles of honesty and morality?”

  “If it be so corrupt,” said the doctor, “I think it is high time to amend it: or else it is easy to foresee that Roman and British liberty will have the same fate; for corruption in the body politic as naturally tends to dissolution as in the natural body.”

  “I thank you for your simile,” cries my lord; “for, in the natural body, I believe, you will allow there is the season of youth, the season of manhood, and the season of old age; and that, when the last of these arrives, it will be an impossible attempt by all the means of art to restore the body again to its youth, or to the vigour of its middle age. The same periods happen to every great kingdom. In its youth it rises by arts and arms to power and prosperity. This it enjoys and flourishes with a while; and then it may be said to be in the vigour of its age, enriched at home with all the emoluments and blessings of peace, and formidable abroad with all the terrors of war. At length this very prosperity introduces corruption, and then comes on its old age. Virtue and learning, art and industry, decay by degrees. The people sink into sloth and luxury and prostitution. It is enervated at home — becomes contemptible abroad; and such indeed is its misery and wretchedness, that it resembles a man in the last decrepit stage of life, who looks with unconcern at his approaching dissolution.”

  “This is a melancholy picture indeed,” cries the doctor; “and, if the latter part of it can be applied to our case, I see nothing but religion, which would have prevented this decrepit state of the constitution, should prevent a man of spirit from hanging himself out of the way of so wretched a contemplation.”

  “Why so?” said the peer; “why hang myself, doctor? Would it not be wiser, think you, to make the best of your time, and the most you can, in such a nation?”

  “And is religion, then, to be really laid out of the question?” cries the doctor.

  “If I am to
speak my own opinion, sir,” answered the peer, “you know I shall answer in the negative. But you are too well acquainted with the world to be told that the conduct of politicians is not formed upon the principles of religion.”

  “I am very sorry for it,” cries the doctor; “but I will talk to them then of honour and honesty; this is a language which I hope they will at least pretend to understand. Now to deny a man the preferment which he merits, and to give it to another man who doth not merit it, is a manifest act of injustice, and is consequently inconsistent with both honour and honesty. Nor is it only an act of injustice to the man himself, but to the public, for whose good principally all public offices are, or ought to be, instituted. Now this good can never be completed nor obtained but by employing all persons according to their capacities. Wherever true merit is liable to be superseded by favour and partiality, and men are intrusted with offices without any regard to capacity or integrity, the affairs of that state will always be in a deplorable situation. Such, as Livy tells us, was the state of Capua a little before its final destruction, and the consequence your lordship well knows. But, my lord, there is another mischief which attends this kind of injustice, and that is, it hath a manifest tendency to destroy all virtue and all ability among the people, by taking away all that encouragement and incentive which should promote emulation and raise men to aim at excelling in any art, science, or profession. Nor can anything, my lord, contribute more to render a nation contemptible among its neighbours; for what opinion can other countries have of the councils, or what terror can they conceive of the arms, of such a people? and it was chiefly owing to the avoiding this error that Oliver Cromwell carried the reputation of England higher than it ever was at any other time. I will add only one argument more, and that is founded on the most narrow and selfish system of politics; and this is, that such a conduct is sure to create universal discontent and grumbling at home; for nothing can bring men to rest satisfied, when they see others preferred to them, but an opinion that they deserved that elevation; for, as one of the greatest men this country ever produced observes,