RAMBLE. Right, Constant! they are my religion, I am the high-priest of the sex.
SOTMORE. Women and religion! Women and the devil: he leaves his votaries in the lurch, and so do they.
CONSTANT. I fancy. Ramble, this friend of ours will turn parson, one day or other —
RAMBLE. If he was not such a sot, I should think it possible.
SOTMORE. Why, faith! I am almost superstitious enough to fancy this a judgment on thee for breaking thy word. — Did I not tell thee, thou wert strolling off to some little dirty whore! and you see the truth of my prophecy.
RAMBLE. Thou art in the right: it was not only a whore, but the most impudent of all whores — a modest whore.
CONSTANT. A modest whore! let her be married to an honest attorney, by all means.
RAMBLE. And sent together to people his majesty’s plantations.
SOTMORE. Modesty, now-a-days, as often covers impudence as it doth ugliness. It is as uncertain a sign of virtue as quality is, or as fine clothes are of quality.
RAMBLE. Yet to do her right: the persuasions of the justice could not prevail with her to perjure herself.
SOTMORE. Conscientious strumpet! she hopes to pick your pocket another time, which it were charity to thee to wish she might: for, if thou escapest this, she certainly will have an opportunity.
RAMBLE. Pray, honest Nol, how didst thou find us out? for a boy would as soon have sent for his schoolmaster when he was caught in an orchard as I for thee on this occasion.
SOTMORE. Find you out! why the town rings of you — there is not a husband or guardian in it but what is ready to get drunk for joy. If the woman be not gold-proof, she will be bribed to swear against you. You are a nuisance, sir! I don’t believe he hath been in town six days, and he hath had above sixteen women.
RAMBLE. And they are a nobler pleasure than so many gallons which thou hast swallowed in that time.
SOTMORE. Sir, I pay my vintner, and therefore do no injury.
RAMBLE. And, sir, I do no injury: and therefore have no reason to pay.
SOTMORE. Hey-day! is taking away a man’s wife or daughter no injury?
RAMBLE. Not when the wife is weary of her husband, and the daughter longs for one.
CONSTANT. Art thou not ashamed, Sotmore, to throw a man’s sins in his face, while he is suffering for them?
SOTMORE. That is the time, sir; besides, you see what an effect it hath on him: you might as well rail at a knight of the post in the pillory.
RAMBLE. Let him alone, the punch will be here immediately, and then he’ll have no leisure to rail.
SOTMORE. IS it not enough to make a man rail, to have parted with a friend happy in the night, and to find him the next morning in so fair a way to — Death and damnation! Show me the whore; I’ll be revenged on her and the whole sex. If thou art hanged for ravishing her, I’ll be hanged for murdering her. Describe the little mischief to me. Is she tall, short, black, brown, fair? In what form hath the devil disguised himself?
RAMBLE. In a very beautiful one, I assure you: she hath the finest shape that ever was beheld, genteel to a miracle; then the brightest eyes that ever glanced on a lover, the prettiest little mouth, and lips as red as a cherry; and for her breasts, not snow, marble, lilies, alabaster, ivory, can come up to their whiteness; but their little, pretty, firm, round form, no art can imitate, no thought conceive — Oh! Sotmore, I could die ten thousand millions of times upon them —
SOTMORE. You are only likely to die once for them.
CONSTANT. All these raptures about a common whore, Ramble?
SOTMORE. Ay, every woman he sees, they are all alike to him, modest or immodest, high or low, from the garret to the cellar, St. James’s to the stews; find him but a woman, and he’ll make an angel of her. — He hath the same taste for women as a child for pictures, or a hungry glutton for an entertainment: every piece is a Venus, and every dish an ortolan.
RAMBLE. To say the truth of her, Sotmore must have allowed her handsome, and I must allow her to have been a damned, confounded, common —
SCENE IX.
CONSTANT, RAMBLE, SOTMORE, HILARET.
RAMBLE. Ha! conjured up, by Jupiter! ‘Well, my little enemy, do the priest and lawyer consent — and will you swear — ha!
HILARET. [Not regarding Ramble, runs to Constant.] My Constant!
RAMBLE. Hey-day! what, are we both in for ravishing the same woman; — I see by her fondness, he hath really ravished her.
CONSTANT. O Hilaret! this kindness of yours sinks me the deeper; can you bear to think on one accused of such a crime as I am?
HILARET. Never to believe it can I bear.
CONSTANT. How shall I repay this goodness! Then by Heavens I am innocent. [They talk apart.
RAMBLE. Hey! the devil! — Is this Constant’s mistress? Here will be fine work, i’faith! — [Aside.
SOTMORE. Is this the lady that did you the favour, sir? [To Ramble.
RAMBLE. This the lady! No — why this is a woman of virtue; though she hath a great resemblance of the other I must confess.
SOTMORE. Then I suppose this is she whom Constant hath toasted this half year — his honourable mistress, with a pox. — Rare company for a man who is in prison for a rape!
HILARET. And was you in that scuffle which parted me and my maid in Leicester Fields?
CONSTANT. It was there this unfortunate accident happened, while I was going to the place of our appointment.
HILARET. It had like to have occasioned another to me, which, that I escaped, I am to thank this gentleman.
RAMBLE. Oh, madam! your most obedient, humble servant. Was it you, dear madam?
CONSTANT. Ha! is it possible my friend can have so far indebted me! — This is a favour I can never return.
RAMBLE. You over-rate it, upon my soul you do; I am sufficiently repaid by this embrace.
CONSTANT. I can never repay thee. — Wouldst thou have given me worlds, it could not have equalled the least favour conferred on this lady.
RAMBLE. I should have conferred some favours on her indeed, if she would have accepted them. [Aside.
HILARET. I am glad it is to Mr. Constant’s friend I am obliged.
SOTMORE. Yes, you are damnably obliged to him for his character of you. [Aside.
CONSTANT. My dear Hilaret, shall I beg to hear it all? I can have no pleasure equal to finding new obligations to this gentleman.
HILARET. Since you desire it —
RAMBLE. I fancy, madam, your fright at that time may have occasioned your forgetting some circumstance; therefore, since Captain Constant desires it, I will tell him the story. — I had just parted from this gentleman, when I heard a young lady’s voice crying out for help; (I think the word Rape was mentioned, but that I cannot perfectly remember;) upon this, making directly to the place where the noise proceeded, I found this lady in the arms of a very rude fellow —
HILARET. The most impudent fellow, sure, that ever was born!
RAMBLE. A very impudent fellow, and yet a very cowardly one; for the moment I came up he quitted his hold, and was gone out of sight in the twinkling of an eye.
CONSTANT. My dear Ramble, what hast thou done for me!
RAMBLE. No obligation, dear Constant! I would have done the same for any man breathing. But to proceed: The watch came up, who would not be satisfied with what she then said, but conveyed us both to the Round House, whence we were carried in the morning before Justice Squeezum, and by him, notwithstanding this lady’s protestations, your humble servant was committed to that place where he now finds himself with this good company.
CONSTANT. Oh my friend! — May Heaven send me an opportunity of serving thee in the same manner!
RAMBLE. May that be the only prayer which it denies to Constant!
SCENE X.
CONSTANT, RAMBLE, SOTMORE, HILARET, STAFF.
STAFF. The punch is ready, gentlemen, you may walk down; the liberty of my house is at your service.
SOTMORE. And that is liberty enough, while thou
hast punch here. If thy house were a sea of punch, I would not prefer any house in town to it.
STAFF. Your honour shall not want that.
SOTMORE. And I shall want nothing more.
STAFF. Captain, a word with you. [To Ramble.] There’s Madam Squeezum below desires to speak with you alone.
RAMBLE. Bring her up. — Sotmore, you must excuse me a few moments, Constant and this lady will entertain you.
SOTMORE. Let the moments be very few. I’ll lay five gallons to one, this fellow hath another whore in his eye.
SCENE XI.
RAMBLE, MRS. SQUEEZUM.
RAMBLE. So; my affair with my friend’s mistress is happily over. — That I should not know a modest woman! But there is so great an affectation of modesty in some women of the town, and so great an affectation of impudence in some women of fashion, that it is not impossible to mistake. Now for Mrs. Justice, her business with me is not exceeding difficult to guess.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You will think I have a vast deal of charity, captain, who am not only the solicitress of your liberty at home to my husband, but can carry my good nature so far as to visit you in your confinement. I cannot say but I have a generous pity for any one whom I imagine to be accused wrongfully.
RAMBLE. I am obliged to you indeed, madam, for that supposal.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You are the cause of it. Wherefore do you imagine I ventured myself alone with you this morning?
RAMBLE. From your great humanity, madam.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Alas, sir! it was to try whether you were really the man you were reported to be; and I am certain I found you as inoffensive, quiet, civil, well-bred a gentleman, as any virtuous woman could have wished. Your behaviour was so modest that I could never imagine it possible you should have been guilty of a rape. No overgrown alderman of sixty, or taper beau of six and twenty, could have been more innocent company.
RAMBLE. Whu! — [Aside.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Your then carriage hath wrought so great an effect upon me, that I have ventured to trust myself here with you; nay, I could trust myself any where with so modest a gentleman.
RAMBLE. I’ll take care, madam, never to forfeit your good opinion of me; you may trust yourself with me any where; I’ll never behave in any other manner than becomes the best bred man alive with the best bred lady. I swear by this soft hand, these lips, and all the millions of charms that dwell in this dear body.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. What do you mean?
RAMBLE. I know not what I mean; tongue can’t express nor thought conceive — we can only feel the exquisite pleasures love has in store.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Nay, I protest and vow.
RAMBLE. Protestations are as vain as struggling. This closet hath a bed in it that would not disgrace a palace.
SOTMORE. [At the door.] Why, Ramble! Jack Ramble! art thou not ashamed to leave thy friends thus for some little dirty strumpet? If thou dost not come immediately, we’ll break open the door, and drown her in punch.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. [Softly.] I am undone! —
RAMBLE. Fear nothing. Go to your bowl, I’ll come this instant.
SOTMORE. I’ll not wag without you.
RAMBLE. Then I’ll come down, break your bowl, and spill all your liquor..
SOTMORE. Bring thy whore along with thee! there’s one there already, she’ll be glad of her company: if you don’t come in an instant, I will be back again.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. What shall I do?
RAMBLE. My angel! love shall instruct thee.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Let me go — some other time — I will not run any venture here.
RAMBLE. I will not part with you.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You shall hear from me in half an hour. You shall have your liberty, and I’ll appoint you where to meet me.
RAMBLE. Shall I depend on you?
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You may — Adieu. Don’t follow me: I can slip out a back way.
RAMBLE. Farewell, my angel!
SCENE XII.
RAMBLE. [Solus.] Confound this drunken rascal! this is not the first time he hath spoiled an intrigue for me. But hold, as I am to have my liberty beforehand, I don’t think this half-hour’s delay at all unlucky. That consideration may sufficiently compensate the staying of my stomach. This adventure of mine begins to put on a tolerable aspect. An intrigue with a rich justice’s wife is not to be slighted by a young fellow of a desperate fortune. I do not doubt but in a very short time, when I am taken up for the next rape, to bribe the justice with his own money. — Lend a man your gold, he may forget the debt; venture your life for him, he may forget the obligation: but once engage his wife, and you secure his friendship. There is no friend in all extremity so sure as your cuckold — and the surest hold you can take of a man, as of a bull, is by his horns.
SCENE XIII.
RAMBLE, CONSTANT, SOTMORE, HILARET.
SOTMORE. Ha! what’s become of thy wench? If thou hadst none, thy absence was the more inexcusable.
CONSTANT. O Ramble! this our better genius hath invented the most notable plot! — Such a net is laid for the justice! it will at once entangle him, and disentangle us.
MR. Hogshead here is to play his part too.
RAMBLE. I am sorry we cannot do without him; for, should there be any claret in the way, he’d disappoint the whole affair for one bottle.
SOTMORE. Not for the best Burgundy in France. This lady hath won my heart by one bumper. By all the pleasures of drinking, madam, I like you more than your whole sex put together. There is no honesty in man or woman that will not drink. Honesty is tried in wine, as gold is in the fire. Madam, you have made a conquest of me. I’ll drink your health as long as I can stand, and that’s as long as a reasonable woman can require.
HILARET. I am exceed indy proud of my conquest over a man of Mr. Sotmore’s good sense.
CONSTANT. Upon my word you may, you are the first woman I believe he ever was civil to.
SOTMORE. It was because they none of them had your merit: a parcel of tea-drinking sluts. If I had a daughter that drank tea, I would turn her out of doors. The reason that men are honester than women is, their liquors are stronger. If the sex were bred up to brandy and tobacco, if they all liked drinking as well as you seem to do, madam, I should turn a lover.
RAMBLE. Why, Constant, such another compliment would make thee jealous.
HILARET. Upon my word he hath reason already!
SOTMORE. Madam, I like you; and if a bottle of Burgundy were on one side, and you on the other, I do not know which I should choose.
CONSTANT. Thou wouldst choose the bottle I am sure.
RAMBLE. But I long to hear this conspiracy.
SOTMORE. Then it must be below. I strictly forbid any secrets to be told but at the council-table. The rose is ever understood over the drinking room, and a glass is the surest turnkey to the lips.
CONSTANT. That’s contrary to the opinion of philosophers.
SOTMORE. Of the sober ones it may; but all your wise philosophers were a set of the most drunken dogs alive. I never knew a sober fellow but was an ass — and your ass is the soberest of all animals. Your sober philosophers and their works have been buried long ago. I remember a saying of that great philosopher and poet, Horace, who wrote in Falernian instead of ink:
NO verses last — can long escape the night,
Which the dull scribbling water-drinkers write.
[Exeunt
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
SQUEEZUM’S house.
SQUEEZUM, QUILL.
SQUEEZUM. You delivered my letter?
QUILL. Yes, an’t please your worship, I left it at the coffee-house, where she directed me.
SQUEEZUM. Very well. Quill!
QUILL. Sir.
SQUEEZUM. I think I may trust thee with any secret — and what I am now going to tell will show thee what a confidence I put in thee. In short, Quill, I suspect my wife —
QUILL. Of what, sir?
SQUEEZUM. I am afraid that I am not the only person free with her, and
that I am free of the corporation of cuckolds.
QUILL. Then your worship is free of all the corporations in England.
SQUEEZUM. Now thou knowest that there are very wholesome laws against cuckoldom; the advantage of a man’s horns is, that he may shove his wife out of doors with them.
QUILL. And that is no inconsiderable advantage.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 262