SQUEEZUM. This letter, sir, will produce the gentleman immediately.
SOTMORE. Here, drawer — let this letter be sent whither it is directed. Come, honest justice, our acquaintance hath an odd beginning, but we may be very good companions soon. Let us sit down, and expect our friend in the manner it becometh us. Remember what you have bargained to do every day of your life, and the obligation shall be dated from this hour. Come, sit thee down, honest publican, old justice merchant. [They sit.] Here’s a health to the propagation of trade, thy trade I mean, to the increase of whores, and false dice. — Thou art a collector of the customs of sin, and he that would sin with impunity must have thy permit. Come, pledge me, old boy; if thou leavest one drop in the glass thou shalt go to gaol yet, by this bottle!
SQUEEZUM. I protest, sir, your hand is too bountiful; you will overcome me with wine
SOTMORE. Well, and I love to see a magistrate drunk; it is a comely sight. When justice is drunk, she cannot take a bribe.
SQUEEZUM. Do you not remember how the Athenians punished drunkenness in a magistrate?
SOTMORE. And do not I know that we have no such Athenian law among us? We punish drunkenness, as well as other sins, only in the lower sort. Drink, like the game, was intended for gentlemen — and no one should get drunk who cannot go home in a coach — Come, madam, it is your glass now.
HILARET. Dear sir! I beg you would not compel me to it.
SOTMORE. By this bottle but I will; I’ll ravish thee to it before the justice’s face. Come, it will be better for you than tea; you will not be obliged to skulk away and take a dram after this. Come, drink the justice’s health, as a token of amity; the justice is a good honest drunken fellow. But let me give you some wholesome advice. [To the Justice.] Leave off fornicating; leave the girls to the boys, and stand to thy bottle; it is a virtue becoming our years; and don’t be too hard on a wild honest young rake. Thou hast committed a couple of the prettiest boys to-day; don’t do so any more. — Be as severe as you please to whores and gamesters, that offer to act without your licence: but if ever you grant a warrant for a friend of mine again, you shall not only drink the wine, but eat the bottle too. Come, here’s your health, in hopes of your amendment; thou shalt pledge thy own health, in a bumper. — Here, boy, bring up a gallon of wine.
SQUEEZUM. Not a drop more.
SOTMORE. A drop! confound the name. Come, empty your glass; the lady is a-dry.
SQUEEZUM. This is worse than a prison.
SOTMORE. You will get out of this with paying less fees. Drink, I say.
SQUEEZUM. Well — since I must.
SOTMORE. Come, we’ll have a song in praise of drinking. — I’ll sing the stanzas, and you shall bear the chorus.
SONG.
I.
Let a set of sober asses
Rail against the joys of drinking,
While water, tea,
And milk agree,
To set cold brains a thinking.
Power and wealth,
Beauty, health,
Wit and mirth in wine are crown’d;
Joys abound,
Pleasure’s found,
Only where the glass goes round.
II.
The ancient sects on happiness
All differed in opinion,
But wiser rules
Of modern schools,
In wine fix her dominion.
Power and wealth, &c.
III.
Wine gives the lover vigour,
It maketh glow the cheeks of beauty,
Makes poets write,
And soldiers fight,
And friendship do its duty.
Power and wealth, &c.
IV.
Wine was the only Helicon,
Whence poets are long-lived so;
‘Twas no other main
Than brisk champagne,
Whence Venus was derived too.
Tower and wealth, &c.
V.
When Heaven in Pandora’s box
All kind of ill had sent us,
In a merry mood,
A bottle of good
Was corked up to content us.
Power and wealth, &c.
VI.
All virtues wine is nurse to,
Of every vice destroyer;
Gives dullards wit,
Makes just the eit,
Truth forces from the lawyer.
Power and wealth, &c.
VII.
Wine sets our joys a flowing,
Our care and sorrow drowning,
Who rails at the bowl
Is a Turk in his soul.
And a Christian ne’er should own him.
Power and wealth, &c.
SCENE VIII.
SQUEEZUM, HILARET, SOTMORE, CONSTANT, STAFF.
CONSTANT. My Hilaret! my dear!
HILARET. My Constant!
SOTMORE. Give you joy, dear Constant, of your liberty.
CONSTANT. Thank you, dear Sotmore, to you I am partly obliged for it: Ramble and I will make you amends: we’ll give you six nights for this.
SOTMORE. Where is he?
CONSTANT. Very safe; be not concerned about him.
HILARET. Well, sir, since our affair is ended, there is the purse you presented me this morning. As I have not performed your expectations one way I’ll give you what I believe you did not expect — your money again. It is unopened, I assure you.
SQUEEZUM. Thou art welcome, however.
SOTMORE. Come, gentlemen, be pleased to take every man his chair and his glass; we will dedicate an hour or two to drinking, I am resolved.
SQUEEZUM. First we will sacrifice to justice. Mr. Constable, do your duty.
STAFF. Come in there.
SCENE IX.
SQUEEZUM, HILARET, SOTMORE, CONSTANT, STAFF, ASSISTANTS.
The Assistants seize Constant. Hilaret, and Sotmore.
SQUEEZUM. Seize those people in the king’s name — I accuse that woman and that man of conspiring to swear a rape against me.
STAFF. It is in vain to contend, gentlemen.
HILARET. Oh, the villain!
SQUEEZUM. [To Sotmore.] The next letter you extort, sir, be sure to examine the contents.
SOTMORE. Thou rascal! will not even wine make thee honest?
SQUEEZUM. Observe, gentlemen, how abusive he is; but I’ll make an example of you all: I’ll prosecute you to the utmost severity of the law. — Mr. Constable, convey the prisoners to your house, whence you shall have orders to bring them before a justice.
SOTMORE. And art thou really in earnest?
SQUEEZUM. You shall find I am, sir, to your cost.
SOTMORE. Then I have found one man with whom I would not drink a glass of wine.
STAFF. Come, gentlemen, you know the way to my house. — I am particularly glad to see your honour [to Sotmore], and will accommodate you in the best manner I can.
CONSTANT. I am too well acquainted with misfortune to repine at any; but how shall I bear yours, my Hilaret?
HILARET. The less you seem to bear, the more you will lighten mine.
SOTMORE. I must give the justice one wish. May Heaven rain small-beer upon thee, and may it corrupt thy body, till it is as putrefied as thy mind.
HILARET. One blessing only may Heaven leave thy life. May it take all things from thee — but thy wife!
ACT V.
SCENE I.
POLITICOS House.
POLITIC. [Solus.] Sure, never child inherited less of a father’s disposition than mine; her mother certainly played me foul in the begetting her: I, who have been my whole life noted for sobriety, could never have given being to so wild a creature. I begin to recollect having seen a tall halfpay officer at my house formerly: nor do I think the girl unlike him. I am sure she hath ever been wild enough to have had any officer in the kingdom for her father. Nature hath been kind to the male of all creatures but man: the bull, the horse, the dog, are not encumbered even with their own offspring: that care fa
lls only to the females: but man, when once a gabbling priest hath chattered a few mischievous words over him, is bound to have and to hold from that day forward all the brats his wife is pleased to bestow on him. Yet I must own the girl hath been ever dutiful to me, till she became acquainted with this cursed fellow in a red coat. Why should red have such charms in the eyes of a woman? The Roman senate kept their armies abroad to prevent their sharing in their lands at home: we should do the same to prevent their sharing in our wives. A tall lusty fellow shall make more work for a midwife in one winter at home, than he can for a surgeon in ten summers abroad.
SCENE II.
POLITIC, FAITHFUL.
POLITIC. Well, any news of my daughter yet?
FAITHFUL. No, sir; but there is some news from the secretary’s office; a mail is arrived from Holland, and you will have the contents of it in one of the evening papers.
POLITIC. Very well! I must be patient. I think we have three mails together now; I am not satisfied at all with the affairs in the north: the northern winds have not blown us any good lately; the clouds are a little darker in the east too than I could wish them.
SCENE III.
POLITIC, DABBLE.
POLITIC. Mr. Dabble, good morrow.
DABBLE. Are the mails come in?
POLITIC. Just arrived.
DABBLE. I have not slept one wink for reflecting on what you told me last night; perhaps this Dutch mail may give some insight into those affairs. But what says the Lying Post?
POLITIC. I have had no time to read it yet, I wish you would. I have only read the London Journal, the Country Journal, the Weekly Journal, Applebee’s Journal, the British Journal, the British Gazetteer, the Morning Post, the CoffeeHouse Morning Post, the Daily Post, the Daily Post Boy, the Daily Journal, the Daily Courant, the Gazette, the Evening Post, the Whitehall Evening Post, the London Evening Post, and the St. James’s Evening Post. So, if you please, begin the Lying Post.
DABBLE. [Reads.] “Moscow, January the 5th. We learn from Constantinople, that affairs continue still in the same doubtful way: it is not yet known what course our court will take. The Empress having been slightly indisposed, the other day, took the air in her own coach, and returned so well recovered, that she ate a very hearty supper.”
POLITIC. Hum! — There is no mention of the supper in any other papers.
DABBLE. “Berlin, January the 20th. We hear daily murmurs here concerning certain measures taken by a certain northern potentate; but cannot certainly learn either who that potentate is, or what are the measures which he hath taken — meantime, we are well assured, that time will bring them all to light.”
POLITIC. Pray read that last over again.
DABBLE. “Meantime, we are well assured, that time will bring them all to light.”
POLITIC. Hum! hum!
DABBLE. “Marseilles, January the 18th. The affairs in regard to Italy continue still in the same uncertain condition.”
POLITIC. Hum!
DABBLE. “The talk of a large embarkation still runs high.”
POLITIC. Hum!
DABBLE. “The Spaniards continue still encamped near Barcelona.”
POLITIC. Hum! — [Shakes his head.
DABBLE. “And every thing seems tending to a rupture — meantime we expect the return of a courier from Vienna, who ‘tis generally expected will bring the news of a general pacification.”
POLITIC. All is well again!
DABBLE. I like this, and some other papers, who disappoint you with good news. Where the beginning of a paragraph threatens you with war, the latter part of it ensures you peace.
POLITIC. Please to read on —
DABBLE. “However, notwithstanding these assurances, ‘tis doubted by most people, whether the said courier will not rather bring a confirmation of the war; but this is all guesswork, and, till such time as we see an actual hostility committed, we must leave our readers in the same uncertain state we found them.”
POLITIC. Hum! there is no certainty to be come at, I find; it may be either peace or war.
DABBLE. Though were I to lay a wager, I should choose war; for, if you observe, we are twice assured of that, whereas we have only one affirmation on the side of peace — but stay, perhaps the next paragraph, which is dated from Fontainbleau, may decide the question. “Fontainbleau, January the 23rd. Yesterday his Majesty went a hunting, to-day he hears an opera, and to-morrow he hears mass.”
POLITIC. I don’t like that; hearing mass is seldom the forerunner of good news.
DABBLE. “It is observable that Cardinal Fleury— “
POLITIC. Ay, now for it.
DABBLE. “It is observable that Cardinal Fleury hath, for several days last past, been in close conference with the minister of a certain state, which causes various speculations; but as we do not know what was the matter in debate, we cannot say what may be the consequence thereof. Meantime we cannot help observing that it hath occasioned some people to put on very serene looks, who had worn cloudy ones for some time before: some imagine, on comparing this with the news from Marseilles, that a war will be unavoidable — others, who are more peaceably inclined, are as strenuous advocates on the other side. We must refer the whole to the determination of Time, that great judge in worldly affairs, who never fails with his two-edged scythe to mow down the weeds which shadow over the secret counsels of state, and lay them open to the naked eye of the discerning politician.”
POLITIC. Shall I beg to hear that over again?
SCENE IV.
POLITIC, DABBLE, FAITHFUL.
DABBLE. [Reads.] “We must refer the whole to the determination,” &c. [Dabble continues reading.
FAITHFUL. Oh, sir, Cloris hath brought the strangest news of my young mistress.
POLITIC. Don’t interrupt us — blockhead.
FAITHFUL. If you lose a moment, she may be lost for ever.
POLITIC. Sirrah! peace.
FAITHFUL. Sir, my young mistress, Miss Hilaret, will be undone, ruined, hanged, if you do not assist her; she’s taken up for rape. — Oh! my poor young lady! the sweetest, besttempered lady sure that ever was born. Oh! that ever I should see the day! And can you sit here, sir, reading a parcel of damned, confounded, lying nonsense, and not go to your daughter’s assistance?
POLITIC. Sure the fellow is possessed.
FAITHFUL. Sir, your daughter is possessed — possessed by constables — she is taken up for a rape.
POLITIC. My daughter taken up for a rape!
FAITHFUL. Yes, sir; for ravishing a justice of peace.
POLITIC. Sure some accident has touched the fellow’s brain.
FAITHFUL. Ay, sir, and it would touch yours too, if you had a grain of humanity in you — Oh! that I should live to see my poor young lady in such a misfortune!
POLITIC. A woman taken up for a rape — it is impossible.
FAITHFUL. They may swear it though for all that — I know her to be as modest a good young lady as any in the kingdom; but what will not a set of rogues swear. Sir, I lived with Squeezum before I lived with you; and know him to be as great a villain as any in the kingdom. Do, good sir, come with me to Justice Worthy’s, if you do not find your daughter there, turn me away for a vagabond.
DABBLE. I do remember, neighbour Politic, to have seen in some newspaper a story not very different from this.
POLITIC. Nay, if you have seen it in a newspaper, it may probably have some truth in it; so, neighbour Dabble, you will excuse me; I will meet you within an hour at the coffeehouse, and there we will confer farther.
SCENE V
WORTHY’S House.
WORTHY, ISABELLA.
WORTHY. Sure modesty is quite banished from the age we live in. There was a time when virtue carried something of a divine awe with it, which no one durst attack; but now the insolence of our youth is such, no woman dare walk the streets, but those who do it for bread.
ISABELLA. And yet our laws, brother Worthy, are as rigorous as those of other countries, and as well executed.
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WORTHY. That I wish they were; but golden sands too often clog the wheels of justice, and obstruct her course: the very riches, which were the greatest evidence of his villainy, have too often declared the guilty innocent; and gold hath been found to cut a halter surer than the sharpest steel.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 264