COMMONS. I own you are not fit company for a lord; — but no matter, several lords keep such company; and since I stoop to you —
1 WHORE. You stoop to us, scrub!
2 WHORE. You a lord! You are some attorney’s clerk, or haberdasher’s ‘prentice.
1 WHORE. Do you sit behind a desk, or stand behind a counter?
2 WHORE. We’re not for such as you, — we’d have you to know, fellow.
COMMONS. But I am for such as you — and that I’ll make you know with a vengeance — whores, strumpets!
WHORES. Murder, murder, robbery, murder!
COMMONS. I’ll scour you with a pox.
[Beats them off, and returns.
1 FIDDLER. I wish we were well rid of this chap, I -wash we get any thing by him.
1 FIDDLER. I wish we get off with a whole skin and a whole fiddle.
COMMONS. I have paid you off, however.
1 FIDDLER. I wish your honour would pay us off too; for we are obliged to play to some country-danees.
COMMONS. Are not you impudent dogs to ask any thing for such music? — I’ll not give you a souse: you are a couple of wretched scrapers, and play ten degrees worse than the university waits. If you had your merit, you would have your fiddles broke about your heads.
1 FIDDLER. Sir you don’t talk like a gentleman.
COMMONS. Don’t I, sir? Why then I’ll act like a gentleman. [Draws.] This is the way a man of honour pays debts, you dogs; I’ll let out your own guts to make fiddle-strings of. A couple of cowardly dogs; run away from one. Blood! I have routed the whole army. Hannibal could have done no more. What pity it is such a brave fellow as I am should be made a parson of!
[Linkboy crosses.
Here, you son of a whore, come here. Are you the sun, or the moon, or one of the seven stars?
LINKBOY. Does your honour want a light, sir?
COMMONS. Want a light, sir, ay, sir? Do you take me for a Dissenter, you rascal? Do you think I carry my light within, sirrah? I travel by an outward light. So lead on, you dog, and light me into darkness.
A soph, he is immortal,
And never can decay;
For how should he return to dust
Who daily wets his clay?
SCENE III.
Rakel and Mrs. Softly.
MRS. SOFTLY. Forget that letter; it was the effect of a sudden short-lived anger which arose from a lasting love; jealousy is surely the strongest proof of that passion.
RAKEL. It is a proof I always wish to be without, if all my mistresses were as forward to believe my sincerity.
MRS. SOFTLY. All your mistresses — Bravo.
RAKEL. I speak of you, madam, in the plural number, as we do of kings, from my reverence: for if I have another mistress upon earth, may I be —
MRS. SOFTLY. Married to her — which would be curse enough on both. But do not think, captain, that, should I once discover my rival, it would give me any uneasiness; the suspicion of the falsehood raised my anger, but the knowledge of it would only move my contempt. Be assured I have not love enough to make me uneasy, if I knew you were false; so hang jealousy, I will believe you true.
RAKEL. By all the transports we have felt together, by; all the eager raptures which this very night hath witnessed to my passion — [Softly hems without.,
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh! heaven! My husband is upon the stairs, —
RAKEL. A judgment fallen upon me before I had forsworn myself — Have you no closet? no chimney?
MRS. SOFTLY. None, nor any way but this out of the room; he must see you — Say nothing, but bow and observe me.
SCENE IV.
MR. SOFTLY, MRS. SOFTLY, RAKEL.
MR. SOFTLY. Sure never was man so put to it to get rid of a troublesome companion. Heyday, what’s here?
MRS. SOFTLY. Sir, I assure you, I am infinitely obliged to you, and so is my husband: I am sorry he is not at home to return you thanks.
[She courtesies all this time to him, who bows to her.
MR. SOFTLY. What’s the matter, child? what hath the gentleman done for me?
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh! my dear, I am glad you are come — The gentleman hath done a great deal for me, he hath if guarded me home from the play. Indeed, my dear, I am infinitely obliged to the gentleman.
MR. SOFTLY. Ay, we are both infinitely obliged to him. Sir, I am your humble servant: I give you a great many thanks, sir, for the civility you have conferred on my wife. I assure you, sir, you never did a favour to any who will acknowledge it more.
RAKEL. The devil take me if ever I did; I have been as civil to several wives; but thou art the first husband that ever thanked me for it. [Aside.
MR. SOFTLY. Sir, if you will partake of a small collation we have within, we shall think ourselves much honoured in your company.
RAKEL. Sir, the honour would be on my side; but I am unhappily engaged to sup with the duke of Fleet Street.
MR. SOFTLY. I hope, sir, you will shortly give us some other opportunity to thank you.
MRS. SOFTLY. Pray, sir, do not let it be long.
MR. SOFTLY. Sir, my doors will be always open to you.
RAKEL. All these acknowledgments for so small a gallantry make me ashamed: I was only fortunate in the occasion of doing what no young gentleman could have refused. However, sir, I shall take the first opportunity to kiss your hands, and am your most obedient humble servant. — Not a step, sir.
MR. SOFTLY. Sir, your most humble servant.
SCENE V.
MR. SOFTLY, MRS. SOFTLY.
MR. SOFTLY. I protest one of the civilest gentlemen I ever saw.
MRS. SOFTLY. Most infinitely well-bred.
MR. SOFTLY. I have been making a visit to my neighbour Wisdom, where whom should I meet with but that unlucky rogue, my nephew Commons, who hath taken me to the tavern, and, I protest, almost flustered me.
MRS. SOFTLY. He was here just as you went out, and as rude as ever: but I gave him a sufficient rebuff: I fancy he’ll scarce venture here again. And indeed, my dear, he is so very scandalous, I wish you would not suffer him.
MR. SOFTLY. He will be settled in the country soon, and so we shall be rid of him quite. But, my dear, I have some news to tell you: my sister, Wisdom, hath received just such another letter as yours, threatening to murder her in her chair the first time she goes abroad, unless she lays twenty guineas under a stone. Indeed, she shows abundance of prudence on this occasion, by keeping at home: she doth not go abroad and frighten her poor husband, as you do.
MRS. SOFTLY. My sister Wisdom received such a letter! I am heartily glad you have told me of it; for I owe her a visit, and on this occasion it would be unpardonable to neglect a moment. — Who’s there — Order my chair this instant, and do you and the other footman take to your arms.
MR. SOFTLY. Why, you would not visit her at this time o’ night?
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh! my dear! it is time enough; it is not yet ten. Oh! I would not for the world, when she will be sure too that I know it. My dear, your servant: I’ll make but a short visit, and be back again before you can be set to supper.
MR. SOFTLY. Was ever so unfortunate a wretch as I am! All my contrivances to keep her at home do but send her abroad the more. But I have a virtuous wife however; and truly virtuous women are so rare in this age, one cannot pay too dear for them — Oh! a virtuous wife is a most prodigious blessing.
SCENE VI
MR. WISDOM’S House.
RAKEL, MRS. WISDOM.
RAKEL. To rally again the same night, after such a rebuff, is, I think, madam, a sign of uncommon bravery.
MRS. WISDOM. What is it in me to lead you to that rally, captain, when I must share the chief part of the danger too?
RAKEL. Why indeed, madam, to send me word of this second retreat of your husband was a kindness I know but! one way how to thank you for: and I will thank thee so heartily, my dear, dear, lovely angel.
BETTY. [Entering.] Oh! madam! here’s Mrs. Softly just coming up.
RAKEL. Mrs. Softly!
&nb
sp; MRS. WISDOM. How came she to be let in? Were not my orders, Not at home?
BETTY. She said she knew you were at home, and would see you. — She will be here this instant.
RAKEL. [Offers to go into the closet.] The door is locked.
MRS. WISDOM. And my husband hath the key. — It signifies not much if she sees you.
RAKEL. Oh! madam, I am tender of your reputation — This table will hide me. [Gets under it.
SCENE VII.
MRS. WISDOM, MRS. SOFTLY.
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh! my dear, I am exceedingly concerned to hear of your misfortune; I ran away the very minute Mr. Softly brought me the news.
MRS. WISDOM. I am very much obliged to you, my dear.
MRS. SOFTLY. But I hope you are not frightened, my dear?
MRS. WISDOM. It is impossible to avoid a little surprise on such an occasion.
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh yes! a little surprise at first; but when one hath sufficient guards about one there can be no danger. Have you not heard that I received just such another letter about three days ago?
MRS. WISDOM. And venture abroad so late?
MRS. SOFTLY. Ha, ha, ha! Have I not a vast deal of courage?
MRS. WISDOM. Indeed, I think so. I am sure I have not slept one wink these three nights.
MRS. SOFTLY. I have not slept much — for I was up two of them at a ball.
MRS. WISDOM. Why you venture abroad as fearless as if no such thing had happened.
MRS. SOFTLY. It is only the expense of a footman or two the more; no one would stay at home for that, you know. Sure you don’t intend to confine yourself any longer on this account. I would not stay at home three days, if I had received as many letters as go by the post in that time.
MRS. WISDOM. You have more courage than I: the apprehension of the danger with me would quite extinguish the pleasure.
MRS. SOFTLY. Oh! you cowardly creature, there is no pleasure without danger: but, I thank heaven, my thoughts are always so full of the former that I leave no room for any meditation on the latter.
SCENE VIII.
MR. WISDOM, MRS. WISDOM, MRS. SOFTLY, CONSTABLE,
SERVANTS.
JOHN. I’ll take my oath I saw him go in.
MRS. WISDOM. Bless me, my dear, what’s the matter?
MR. WISDOM. Don’t be frightened, child; this fellow hath seen the rogue that was here to-day get into the house again. Mr. Constable, that is the closet door: you have the key; therefore do you enter first, and we’ll all follow you.
JOHN. Ay, ay let me alone; do you but lay hands on him and I’ll knock his brains out.
MRS. SOFTLY. Lud, sister, how you tremble! Take example by me and don’t be frightened — Here, John, Thomas, bring up your blunderbusses.
MRS. WISDOM. Support me, or I faint.
SCENE IX.
RISQUE discovered.
CONSTABLE. You may as well submit, sir, for we are too strong for you.
JOHN. Confess, sirrah, confess. How many are there of you?
MR. WISDOM. Search his pockets, Mr. Constable.
MRS. WISDOM. What do I see! — [Aside.
MRS. SOFTLY. Captain Eakel’s man! — [Aside.
MR. WISDOM. It is sufficient! the goods are found upon him. Sirrah! confess your accomplices this moment; you have no other way to save your life than by becoming evidence against your gang.
JOHN. Learn to betray your friends, sirrah! if you would rob like a gentleman and not be hanged for it.
MR. WISDOM. And so, sir, I suppose it was you that writ the threatening letter to my wife. Why don’t you speak? You may as well confess; for you will be hanged whether you confess or no.
CONSTABLE. Would it not be your wisest way to impeach your companions; so you may not only save your life, but get rewarded for your roguery?
MR. WISDOM. Is the rascal dumb? We’ll find ways to make him speak, I warrant you.
SCENE X.
To them, COMMONS, drunk and singing.
COMMONS. Hey! uncle, what a pox do you keep open house at this time of night? Oons, I thought you used to sneak to bed at soberer hours.
MR. WISDOM. How often must I forbid you my house?
COMMONS. Sir, you may forbid me as often as you please; when your door is open I shall never be able to pass by.
MR. WISDOM. You shall find a very warm reception.
COMMONS. As warm as you please, for it is damned cold without. But come, where’s your liquor? You do not entertain all this company without wine, I hope. Why, what a pox are all these? — the militia!
MR. WISDOM. Sir, if you do not go out of my doors this instant, you shall be forced out.
COMMONS. Damn your doors, sir, and your tables too; I’ll turn your house out of doors, sir — [Overturns the table, and discovers Rakel.
SCENE XI.
MR. WISDOM, MRS. WISDOM, MRS. SOFTLY, RAKEL,
RISQUE, CONSTABLE, SERVANTS.
JOHN. More rogues! more rogues!
CONSTABLE. I have him secure enough!
MR. WISDOM. This second visit, sir, is exceeding kind. I suppose, sir, this is the honest gentleman that conveys away the goods; we have stopped the goods, and shall convey you both to a proper habitation.
RAKEL. Damnation! — [Aside.
MRS. WISDOM. Ruined beyond retrieval. [Aside.
MRS. SOFTLY. May I believe my eyes! — [Aside..
MR. WISDOM. [To Risque.] You will have but a short c time to consider on’t; so it were good for you to resolve on being an evidence, and save your own neck at the expense of his.
RISQUE. Well, sir, if I must peach, I must, I think.
MR. WISDOM. [To Rakel.] Do you know this gentleman, sir?
RAKEL. [Aside.] Confusion! what shall I do?
CONSTABLE. How the rogues stare at one another!! What, did you never see one another before?
RISQUE. POX take him, I wish I had never seen him; Pm sure I am like to pay dear enough for his acquaintance.
MU. WISDOM. You have no other way to prevent it than by swearing against him.
RISQUE. Ay, ay, sir, I’ll swear against him; he brought me to this shame, so let me look to it: I never took these courses till I became acquainted with that highwayman there, who hath robbed on all the roads of England.
RAKEL. Ha!
CONSTABLE. And will you swear that this fellow wrote the letter to my master, to threaten to murder my lady whenever she went abroad?
RISQUE. Ay, that I will; I saw him write it with my own eyes.
MR. WISDOM. — You saw him write it?
RISQUE. Yes, an’t please your honour.
MR. WISDOM. I find this fellow will do our business without any other evidence. [Aside.
MRS. SOFTLY. Can this be possible? — [Aside.
MR. WISDOM. And so, if my wife had ventured abroad, you had put your design into execution?
RISQUE. She would have been murdered the very first time, an’t please your honour.
MR. WISDOM. See there now — Did I not advise you like a friend? — In short, I know not when it will be safe for you to stir without your own doors.
MRS. WISDOM. And was I to have fallen by the hands of this gentleman?
RISQUE. Yes, madam; he was to have murdered your ladyship, and I was to have robbed you.
RAKEL. Dog! villain!
RISQUE. Don’t give ill language, Tom; I have often told you what your rogueries would come to. I told you, you would never leave off thieving but at the gallows.
RAKEL. Villain, be assured I will be revenged on thee!
RISQUE. I desire of your worship that we may not be put together; I do not care for such company.
MR. WISDOM. Mr. Constable, convey them to the Roundhouse; let them be kept separately, and in the morning you shall hear from me.
RAKEL. [To Wisdom.] Sir, shall I beg to speak one word with you?
MR. WISDOM. You are sure he has no arms about him,
MR. Constable?
CONSTABLE. No, sir, he hath no arms about him, nor any thing else.
RAKEL. This prosecution will end in nothing but your own shame [Apart to WISDOM]; so you had best set me at liberty. Be assured that I am not the person you take me for; my character will make it evident that my design was neither to rob nor murder you; my crime, sir, will appear to be such as (Heaven be praised) our laws do not hang a man for. — As for that fellow there, he is my servant; but how, or with what design he came here, I cannot tell.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 268