LORD BICHLY. There, dear Jack Bellamant is the happiest man in the world, by possessing a wife whom a thousand times that sum would have no effect on.
MR. BELLAMANT. I look upon myself equally happy, my lord, in having no such friend as would tempt her.
LORD RICHLY. That thou hast not, I dare swear. But I thank you for putting me in mind of it. I must engage her in my author’s cause, for I know her judgment has a great sway.
MR. BELLAMANT. AS our stay will be so short in town, she can do you no service; besides, I have heard her detest partiality in those affairs; you would never persuade her to give a vote contrary to her opinion.
LORD RICHLY. Detest partiality! ha, ha, ha! — I have heard a lady declare for doing justice to a play, and condemn it the very next minute — though I knew she had neither seen nor read it. Those things are entirely guided by favour.
MR. GAYWIT. Nay, I see no reason to fix the scandal on the ladies: party and prejudice have the same dominion over us. Ask a man’s character of one of his party, and you shall hear he is one of the worthiest, honestest fellows in Christendom; ask it of one of the opposite party, and you shall find him as worthless, good-for-nothing a dog as ever was hanged.
MR. BELLAMANT. So that a man must labour very hard to get a general good reputation, or a general bad one.
LORD RICHLY. Well, since you allow so much, you will give me leave to tempt Mrs. Bellamant.
MR. BELLAMANT. With all my heart, my lord.
MR. GAYWIT. Thou art a well-bred husband, indeed, to give another leave to tempt your wife.
MR. BELLAMANT. I should have been a very ill-bred one to have denied it. Who’s there?
Enter SERVANT.
LORD RICHLY. If I had said more, he had granted it, rather than have lost my favour. Poverty makes as many cuckold’s as it does thieves. [Aside.
MR. BELLAMANT. Wait on my Lord Richly to your mistress’s apartment — I am your most obedient servant.
SCENE VI.
MR. GAYWIT, MR. BELLAMANT.
MR. GAYWIT. I find you are resolved to make your wife share your misfortunes. It would have been civil to have given her the choice of not being at home.
MR. BELLAMANT. I wanted to be alone with you — besides, women have a liberty of sending away an impertinent visitant, which we have not.
MR. GAYWIT. Ay, and a way of entertaining visitants too which we have not; and he is a visitant not easily sent away, I assure you. I have known him receive very vigorous rebuffs without retreating.
MR. BELLAMANT. You talk as if you suspected his making love to my wife.
MR. GAYWIT. He does so to every woman he sees; neither the strictest friendship professed to her husband, nor the best reputation on her own side, can preserve any woman he likes from his attacks: for he is arrived at a happy way of regarding all the rest of mankind as his tenants, and thinks, because he possesses more than they, he is entitled to whatever they possess.
MR. BELLAMANT. Insolent vanity! I wonder the spirit of mankind has not long since crushed the tyranny of such lordly wolves; yet, believe me, Gaywit, there generally goes a great deal of affectation to compose this voluptuous man. He oftener injures women in their fame, than in their persons. This affectation of variety discovers a sickly appetite; and many mistresses, like many dishes, are often sent away untasted.
MR. GAYWIT. A very innocent affectation, truly, to destroy a lady’s fame.
MR. BELLAMANT. Why, ay, for we are come to an age, wherein a woman may live very comfortably without it; as long as the husband is content with his infamy, the wife escapes hers.
MR. GAYWIT. And I am mistaken, if many husbands in this town do not live very comfortably by being content with their infamy, nay, by being promoters of it. It is a modern trade, unknown to our ancestors, a modern bubble, which seems to be in a rising condition at present.
MR. BELLAMANT. It is a stock-jobbing age, every thing has its price; marriage is traffic throughout; as most of us bargain to be husbands, so some of us bargain to be cuckolds; and he would be as much laughed at, who preferred his love to his interest, at this end of the town, as he who preferred his honesty to his interest at the other.
MR. GAYWIT. You, Bellamant, have had boldness enough in contradiction to this general opinion, to choose a woman from her sense and virtues. I wish it were in my power to follow your example — but —
MR. BELLAMANT. But the opinion of the world, dear boy.
MR. GAYWIT. No, my good forefathers have chosen a wife for me. I am obliged by the settlement of Lord Richly’s estate to marry Lady Charlotte.
MR. BELLAMANT. How!
MR. GAYWIT. The estate will descend to me so encumbered, I assure you.
MR. BELLAMANT. I thought it had not been in Lord Richly’s power to cut off the entail.
MR. GAYWIT. Not if I marry Lady Charlotte.
MR. BELLAMANT. I think you are happy in being engaged to no more disagreeable woman.
MR. GAYWIT. Lady Charlotte is, indeed, pretty; but were she every thing a lover could wish, or even imagine — there is a woman, my friend —
MR. BELLAMANT. Nay, if you are in love with another, I pity you.
MR. GAYWIT. Didst thou know how I love, you would pity me; but didst thou know whom, couldst thou look upon her with eyes like mine, couldst thou behold beauty, wit, sense, good-nature, contending which should adorn her most?
MR. BELLAMANT. Poor Gaywit! thou art gone indeed.
MR. GAYWIT. But, I suppose, the ladies have by this discharged their visitant. Now if you please, we will attend them.
MR. BELLAMANT. You will excuse me, if I leave you with them; which I will not do, unless you promise I shall find you at my return.
MR. GAYWIT. I intend to dedicate the day to your family; so dispose of me as you please.
SCENE VII
MRS. MODERN’S House.
LORD RICHLY, MRS. MODERN.
MRS. MODERN. I think I ought to blame your unkindness — I have not seen you so long.
LORD RICHLY. Do you think a week so long?
MRS. MODERN. Once you would have thought so.
LORD RICHLY. Why, truly, hours in the spring of love are something shorter than they are in the winter.
MRS. MODERN. Barbarous man! do you insult me, after what I have done for you?
LORD RICHLY. I fancy those favours have been reciprocal.
MRS. MODERN. Have I not given you up my virtue?
LORD RICHLY. And have I not paid for your virtue, madam? I am sure I am 1,500l out of pocket, which, in my way of counting, is fourteen more than any woman’s virtue is worth; in short, our amour is at an end, for I am in pursuit of another mistress.
MRS. MODERN. Why do you come to torment me with her?
LORD RICHLY. Why, I would have you act like other prudent women in a lower station; when you can please no longer with your own person, e’en do it with other people’s.
MRS. MODERN. Monster! insupportable!
LORD RICHLY. You may rave, madam, but if you will not do me a favour, there are wiser people enow will — I fixed on you out of a particular regard to you; for I think when a man is to lay out his money, he is always to do it with his friends.
MRS. MODERN. I’ll bear it no longer. ). Lord Richly. Nor I. ) [Going.
MRS. MODERN. Stay, my lord, can you be so cruel?
LORD RICHLY. Pshaw! — [Going.
MRS. MODERN. Oh! stay! stay! — you know my necessities.
LORD RICHLY. And, I think, I propose a very good cure for them.
MRS. MODERN. Lend me a hundred guineas.
LORD RICHLY. I will do more.
MRS. MODERN. Generous creature!
LORD RICHLY. I’ll give you — twenty.
MRS. MODERN. Do you jest with my necessity?
LORD RICHLY. Lookye, madam, if you will do a goodnatured thing for me, I will oblige you in return, as I promised you before, and I think that very good payment.
MRS. MODERN. Pray, my lord, use me with decency at least.
; LORD RICHLY. Why should we use more decency to an old acquaintance than you ladies do to a new lover, and have more reason for so doing? You often belie your hearts, when you use us ill — In using you so we follow the dictates of our natures.
Enter a SERVANT, who delivers a letter to MRS. MODERN.
MRS. MODERN. Ha! it is Bellamant’s hand — and the note that I desired — This is lucky indeed.
SCENE VIII.
LORD RICHLY, MR. GAYWIT, EMILIA, LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT, CAPTAIN BELLAMANT, MRS. MODERN.
LORD RICHLY. SO! here’s an end of my business for the present, I find.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh, dear Modern! I am heartily glad to see you are alive; for you must know, I thought it impossible for any one to be alive, and not to be at the rehearsal of the new opera.
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. How can you be surprised at one of no taste, Lady Charlotte?
MRS. MODERN. I suppose it was very full?
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh! everybody was there; all the world.
MR. GAYWIT. How can that be, Lady Charlotte, when so considerable a part as Mrs. Modern was wanting?
MRS. MODERN. Civil creature! when will you say such a thing?
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. When I am as dull, madam.
LORD RICHLY. Very true! no one makes a compliment but those that want wit for satire.
MR. GAYWIT. Eight, my lord. It is as great a sign of want of wit to say a good-natured thing, as want of sense to do one.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh! I would not say a goodnatured thing for the world. Captain Bellamant, did you ever hear me say a good-natured thing in your life?
MR. GAYWIT. But I am afraid, Lady Charlotte, though wit be a sign of ill-nature, ill-nature is not always a sign of wit.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. I’ll give you leave to say any thing, after what I have said this morning — Oh! dear Modern, I wish you had seen Emilia’s dressing-box! such japanning — he! he! he! — she hath varnished over a windmill ten several times before she discovered she had placed the wrong side upwards.
MRS. MODERN. I have had just such another misfortune. I have laid out thirty pounds on a chest, and now I dislike it of all things.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh! my dear, I do not like one thing in twenty that I do myself.
EMILIA. You are the only person that dislikes, I dare say, Lady Charlotte.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh, you flattering creature! I wish you could bring my papa to your opinion. He says I throw away more money in work than in play.
MRS. MODERN. But you have not heard half my misfortune; for when I sent my chest to be sold, what do you think I was offered for my thirty pounds’ worth of work?
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. I don’t know, fifty guineas, perhaps.
MRS. MODERN. Twenty shillings, as I live. Lady Charlotte Gaywit. Oh! intolerable! Oh! insufferable!
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. But are we to have no hazard this morning?
MRS. MODERN. With all my heart — Lord Richly, what say you?
LORD RICHLY. My vote always goes with the majority, madam.
MRS. MODERN. Come, then, the shrine is within, and you that will offer at it, follow me.
SCENE IX.
MR. GAYWIT, EMILIA.
EMILIA. Mr. Gaywit, are you no gamester?
MR. GAYWIT. No, madam; when I play, ‘tis the utmost stretch of my complaisance.
EMILIA. I am glad I can find one who is as great an enemy to play as myself; for, I assure you, we are both of the same opinion.
MR. GAYWIT. I wish we were so in every thing.
EMILIA. Sir!
MR. GAYWIT. I say, madam, I wish all of my opinions were as well seconded; and yet, methinks, I would not have your thoughts the same with mine.
EMILIA. Why so, pray?
MR. GAYWIT. Because you must have then many an unhappy hour, which that you may ever avoid will be still my heartiest prayer.
EMILIA. I am obliged to you, sir.
MR. GAYWIT. Indeed you are not. It is a self-interested wish: for, believe me, to see the least affliction attend you would give this breast the greatest agony it is capable of feeling.
EMILIA. Nay, this is so extravagant a flight, I know not what to call it.
MR. GAYWIT. Nor I call it a just admiration of the highest worth, call it the tenderest friendship if you please; though much I fear it merits the sweetest, softest name that can be given to any of our passions. If there be a passion pure without alloy, as tender and soft, as violent and strong, you cannot sure miscall it by that name.
EMILIA. You grow now too philosophical for me to understand you: besides, you would, I am sure, be best understood ironically; for who can believe any thing of Mr. Gaywit, when he hath asserted that he is unhappy?
MR. GAYWIT. Nay, I will leave my ease to your own determination when you know it. Suppose me obliged to marry the woman I don’t like, debarred for ever from her I love, I dote on, the delight of my eyes, the joy of my heart. Suppose me obliged to forsake her, and marry —— another.
EMILIA. But I cannot suppose you obliged to that.
MR. GAYWIT. Were it not an impertinent trouble, I could convince you.
EMILIA. I know not why I may not be excused a little concern for one who hath expressed so much for me.
MR. GAYWIT. Then, madam, the settlement of my whole fortune obliges me to marry Lady Charlotte Gaywit.
EMILIA. HOW! — but suppose the refusal were on Lady Charlotte’s side?
MR. GAYWIT. That is my only hope.
EMILIA. And I can assure you your hope is not illgrounded.
MR. GAYWIT. I know she hath expressed some dislike to me; but she is a woman of that sort, that it is as difficult to be certain of her dislike, as her affection; and whom the prospect of grandeur would easily make obedient to her father’s commands.
EMILIA. Well, if you are sincere, I pity you heartily.
MR. GAYWIT. And if you are sincere, I never knew happiness till this dear moment.
SCENE X.
MR. GAYWIT, EMILIA, LORD RICHLY, MRS. MODERN, LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT, CAPTAIN BELLAMANT.
MRS. MODERN. Victoria! Victoria!
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. Stript, by Jupiter!
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Eleven mains together; Modern, you are a devil.
EMILIA. What’s the matter, Lady Charlotte?
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh, my dear, you never saw the like — Modern has held in nine thousand mains in one hand, and won all the world.
MR. GAYWIT. She has always great luck at Hazard.
LORD RICHLY. Surprising to-day, upon my word.
MRS. MODERN. Surprising to me; for it is the first success I have had this month; and I am sure my Quadrille makes every one a sufficient amends for my Hazard.
LORD RICHLY. You are one of those, whose winning nobody ever heard of, or whose losing no one ever saw.
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. But you forgot the auction, Lady Charlotte.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. What have I to do at an auction, that am ruined and undone?
MR. GAYWIT. AS much as many that are undone; bid out of whim, in order to raise the price, and ruin others. Or if the hammer should fall upon you, before you expect it, take a sudden dislike to the goods, or dispute your own words, and leave them upon the hands of the seller.
MRS. MODERN. How polite is that now! Gaywit will grow shortly as well-bred as Madcap.
CAPTAIN BELLAMANT. We shall have him there too, and he is the life of an auction.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. Oh! the most agreeable creature in the world — he has more wit than anybody, he has made me laugh five hundred hours together. Emilia, we will just call there, and then I’ll set you down at home.
EMILIA. Let us but just call, then.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. That caution is admirable from you, when you know I never stay above six minutes anywhere. Well, you never will reform.
LORD RICHLY. I desire, Charlotte, you would be at home by four.
LADY CHARLOTTE GAYWIT. I shall very easily, my lord; for I have not above
fourteen or fifteen places to call at. Come, dear creature, let us go, for I have more business than half the world upon my hands, and I must positively call at the auction.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 282